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Author Archive for Jaki Sabourin

The fast-track to commitment

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· November 2, 2020 
· No Comments

Pandemic-Proof your Dating Life! width=

One of the most frustrating things about dating is when you end up wasting time. It happens a lot when we are younger because we just don’t spot the red flags early on. We don’t have the important discussions upfront. Or maybe we let things slide that aren’t as easy to ignore when we get older.

But even a seasoned dater may not know exactly how to fast-track commitment, so I wanted to give you some of my favorite tips to keep you from wasting your time and really get to where you want to be in a relationship. 

1. Be clear about what you’re looking for from the beginning. 

I don’t want you to feel awkward about doing this because it’s really an important step. When you’re honest upfront, it gives him the chance to be honest, too. And frankly, it can keep both of you from wasting time. 

When you initially talk on the phone, let him know what you’re looking for when you’re dating. Say, “I’m excited about starting a family someday” or “” I’m excited to find someone to spend my life with.” Then ask, “What about you?” Most men will be honest here and let you know what they want from dating. If your answers aren’t the same, then you know right off the bat that you aren’t a match. Be polite and wish him luck.

2. Believe what you hear.  

If he says he’s looking for casual dating, then don’t try to convert him. There is a very slim chance that he will decide he wants more from you, and you don’t want to waste your time. You want what you want. So don’t settle. You’ll just be disappointed in the end. 

3. Observe his actions.  

When you’re dating, sometimes fear of commitment or other hang-ups will show up when you get closer to someone. Make sure his actions match the words. You deserve someone who follows through, and you want someone you can depend on. If he’s making plans for several months down the road—“We should go to that concert together this summer”—then see what he does to follow through on that idea. 

4. Consider a reasonable time frame for moving forward, and stick with it.  

So many women ask me what is an acceptable amount of time to go from dating to being exclusive to getting engaged to getting married. It’s whatever you feel comfortable with. As you age, you may tighten the time frame because you’ll spot the red flags faster. And yes, it’s OK to get married in 6 months, especially if everything is clicking. 

Follow your gut. It’s called “women’s intuition” for a reason. It’s strong. It’s aligned with your truth. And it will never mislead you! 

Love, 

Jaki

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Categories : All About You, Dating, Relationships
Tags : communication, confidence, connection, dating, Men, relationships

6 Answers to your dating questions

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· October 5, 2020 
· 3 Comments

Today’s video is a little different! I’ve been asking you to post comments on the videos, ask questions or suggest topics but what I didn’t do is make a video answering your questions. That’s what today’s video is about! Click Below to watch the video now:

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Categories : All About You, Dating, Relationships

My Anniversary Joy plus photos!   

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 20, 2020 
· No Comments

Pandemic-Proof your Dating Life! width=

Oh my. I have so much to share with you about my anniversary date with Michael! 

It began with dessert first! I made our favorite a “Lilikoi Cake” a.k.a., passionfruit, which we served at our wedding. Then we headed out to a wildly romantic dinner at a new restaurant called Del Friscos, on the San Diego Harbor. As we dined, we reminisced about our honeymoon to Lake Louise, and our other trips to far-flung places like Greece, Italy, New York, and Montana. I was struck by the realization that our relationship has just been so easy. We get along so well. Michael continues to go out of his way to make me happy. I couldn’t stop gazing at my handsome husband across the table.  

 You may wonder, how did I get so lucky?

Luck had nothing to do with it!   

I was brave and jumped into internet dating even though it made me nervous. And once Michael and I started seeing more of each other, I took the right steps all along the way by speaking my truth, practicing the tools I teach, staying grounded in who I am and not turning myself inside out during our courtship. I still don’t! 

It’s not luck, it’s work, to be the happiest couple I know and lead a wonderful life. It’s the work of listening to each other, being kind, allowing each other space, communication – but none of this is a chore. When you’re with your soulmate, you know that even the tough stuff is for the greater good of your relationship, and that is a priceless feeling. 

I’m telling you all this in the hope that it will inspire you to take that leap, that step that can ultimately lead you to your own Michael. 

 

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Categories : All About You, Dating, Relationships
Tags : communication, confidence, connection, dating, Men, relationships

It’s our 6th wedding anniversary!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 18, 2020 
· No Comments

Pandemic-Proof your Dating Life! width=Tonight, I am coming to you from “boudoir!”  I am putting on some makeup and anticipating a romantic dinner out with my husband, and my thoughts started to wander. 

I began to think about how my life has changed for the better over the years…and how different things could have been if I hadn’t been brave enough to vanquish my fears of meeting men online! 

I remembered the butterflies in my stomach as I approached Eddie V.’s, knowing that Michael was waiting inside. We had had such an electric first conversation the night before that I was nervous that we couldn’t sustain it. The minute I saw him sitting in the restaurant window, my anxiety overtook me, and I almost turned and ran…but I didn’t. Instead, I took a deep breath, put a smile on my face, and walked to the table. And THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!!! 

I was overjoyed to find that the man I “knew” virtually was even better live and in person. He was a perfect gentleman and we had a wonderful time! A little–known fact about me is that when I’m nervous, or when my intuition is speaking to me my lower lip twitches a LOT. That night my lip was going crazy, and I knew why. I had a good feeling about Michael, and my intuition was confirming how I felt. My lip was going so crazy, in fact, that I was afraid that Michael could see it! That date ended with a promise for another, which led to another…and, well, you know how this story ends…and here we are happier than ever and ready to celebrate our anniversary.

Celebrating is important. It’s a time to pause and reflect on what has been with appreciation and gratitude. I reflect in wonder at the last 8 years with Michael. Being with him has changed my life. He’s been my rock, steadfast and dependable, and because of this I’ve been able to blossom in ways that I hadn’t experienced before – and you are benefiting from that!  

Michael is totally supportive of me and my dedication to helping women and that means the world to me! My appreciation and respect for him deepens each day as our love for each other grows.   

 And it’s all because we both took a chance at finding love on the internet. It DOES work!  

 

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Categories : All About You, Dating, Relationships
Tags : communication, confidence, connection, dating, Men, relationships

Why you’re getting Ghosted

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 17, 2020 
· 1 Comment

You finally meet someone, and there’s attraction, you’re drawn to him on many levels but then he disappears!  He stops communicating with you, and you’re beating your head against the wall wondering “why is this happening?”  

Why isn’t the guy I like interested in me? Why am I getting GHOSTED?? 

Click below to watch the video now:

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Categories : All About You, Dating, Relationships
EAA 18 | Things That Drive Men Away

3 Things That Drive Men Away

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· October 8, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 18 | Things That Drive Men Away

 

Nothing could get us out from being single if we continually drive men away. You may not be aware of it, but certain things would certainly keep them from being in a relationship with you. Jaki shares the three things that drive men away while providing you some great insights on how to keep them. Learn about what it means to have more space in a relationship without losing that connection, all the while keeping each other on the same page.
Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

Watch the episode here:

3 Things That Drive Men Away

Not Giving Him Enough Space

I want to talk to you about the three things that drive men away because we don’t want to drive men away. The first one is not giving men enough space. I know this is hard because you meet a guy, or you’re dating the guy or even talking to a guy. You feel things are going well, or you hope they will until you want to talk to him. You want to see him. You want to be in touch with him, but he’s starting to feel there’s too much clinging going on, so he’s starting to pull back, and then you can feel that. That’s because you’re not giving him enough space. The thing is relationships give you more space. You need to trust that when you get into a relationship, you are going to have all the space you need. A man needs to feel that he’s not going to lose his freedom if he gets into a relationship with you. That’s one of the things that will drive a man away if you’re dating him because he feels he’s going to lose his freedom.
The great thing about getting into a relationship; if you do this right, a man will feel he has more freedom because he doesn’t have to worry about dating anymore. He’s found you. He’s in love with you. He’s taking care of you. He can sit back, and that part of his life is resolved. He has more time to focus on all the things that he loves, you, his friends, his work, and all the things that are important to him. If you try to take some of that space away by expecting him to put all of his attention on you, you’re definitely going to drive him away. Remember that we all need our interests. We all need to have our friends. We need to develop and continue to develop those relationships because that’s what makes our relationship healthy.


You need to trust that when you get into a relationship, you are going to have all the space you need. Click To Tweet

If you’re feeling clingy, needy, jealous, or resentful of that time that he takes with his friend, you need to look at where that’s coming from. Maybe you’re feeling a little insecure. Perhaps you’ve been hurt in the past, or somebody cheated on you. You’re trying to control the situation in an attempt for you to feel safe, but what you’re doing is pushing him away. You want to take a good look at what you’re doing that might be preventing a man from his privacy. Never check his phone. Don’t read his messages. Don’t dig for information about him. If you feel that there’s something that warrants a conversation, that’s what you need to have. You need to have a conversation with him if you have any suspicions, and you can say something like, “I need help understanding. Will you please help me to understand this?” Ask him to help you understand it, so it doesn’t come across that you’re accusing him of anything.

I give my husband a lot of space. One of the things that we discussed while we were in that commitment phase is that he had all the freedom he needed. I encouraged him to do things and continue to do things with his friends. When he did, I’m like, “Have fun. I’ll see you when you get home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” That comes from confidence. When you have a lot of self-confidence and high self-worth, you can extend all the freedom you want to your guy because you’re going to notice if anything shifts in your relationship. You’re going to be aware of it. You’re going to trust that you have the tools and the capacity to take care of yourself, to heal yourself, to take care of your own heart if anything does happen. You have to extend trust to your partner, to the man you’re dating. That’s going to keep him coming back for more. The fact that you’re not clingy in a relationship is going to create curiosity on his part and go, “I wonder what she’s doing.” Make sure you have your friends, your interests, and you’re regularly scheduling those things even if you don’t want to. It’s essential to keep that tension on. Keep him wondering about you instead of you always wondering about what he’s doing with his friends.

EAA 18 | Things That Drive Men Away

Things That Drive Men Away: Always make an effort to help him to understand you.

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

The Power Struggle

Let’s move onto the second thing that drives men away. This one is a big one for powerful women. The power struggle, that’s what will drive men away. If you have any power struggle with your man. One of the things is paying. That’s a power struggle. I support you not paying for dates. You don’t pay for anything for the least the first several weeks, if not month in the relationship, because you want to see what he’s willing to do for you. That’s going to give you the answers that you need to know if he’s a potential life partner for you. A power struggle could be that you are offering to pay or saying things, and you may not even realize you’re saying things like, “I got it. I’m good. Thanks, but I’ll take care of it.” You might even start noticing if you’re saying those things, even in the store. If you’re reaching up to get something and a man tries to help you, and you’re like, “I got it.” That is a part of this power struggle, and that tells me that you don’t know how to receive. That’s what a power struggle is. You’re not in your feminine energy, and you don’t know how to receive what a man’s offering.

Also, challenging him. Maybe he said something, and you get into a discussion, and you challenge what he’s saying. Men are not threatened by women who have money, who have a better car or even higher education. What will drive men away is if you have a power struggle with them about topics, about their point of view. A man wants to feel like he’s winning with you. If you want a man in your life, you want to keep this in mind. It’s not that you’re dimming your light or stuffing down how you feel, but it’s you recognizing that a man’s a man and they need to feel like a man. If you want a man in your life, these are the principles of having a relationship with a man. Save those great debates for your girlfriends, for your coworkers, and remember that a power struggle with a man is an energy drain. He’s going to choose a woman that’s easier to get along with, that’s more in her feminine energy. Look at where your energy is sourcing. If you’re sourcing from the masculine, you need to do some exercises. You need to do some breathing to get yourself centered, to get yourself into the receiving mode.

The fact that you're not clingy in a relationship is going to create curiosity on his part. Click To Tweet

Don’t offer to give a man anything, especially gifts. Here’s another little tip I’m going to give you. Gift giving, never give a man a gift that is equal to the one that he gives you. Say a man took you on a trip. If you wanted to give him something because you’re dating him, you could give him a book. That’s what I recommend. Don’t offer to take him on a trip or don’t buy him an expensive dinner. If he buys you a fancy dinner and you’ve been dating him, then you can pick up the breakfast tab or cook him breakfast or get him something small so that he doesn’t feel upstaged by you. A man is uncomfortable with receiving expensive gifts. He doesn’t need you to buy expensive gifts or gifts at all. He wants to do that for you. He wants to be the one that’s giving, and you’re receiving. Anytime you give a man a gift, make sure it’s proportionate. One quarter to his four quarters, a small token of your appreciation. What a man wants from you is verbal appreciation. Say thank you and mean it. Tell them how much you appreciate him. That goes far. It goes much further than anything you could ever give him. These men thrive on the appreciation and gratitude that you will show him because then it makes everything that he does for you worthwhile.

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

Not Saying What You Mean

The third in my three things that drive men away, and this is a big one, is not saying what you mean. We sometimes think that men can read our minds. We sit there, and we use our body language to communicate, but men don’t pick up on the cues and the body language that women use. They’re looking for a concrete answer. If you don’t communicate what it is you want or if you disagree with something like he’s going out with his friend, and you’re like, “Go ahead,” but on the inside, you’re steaming because you want him to be with you. He’s going to pick up on that energy, and he’s going to resent the fact that you will not say what you mean. You have to learn to communicate. Everything that I’m sharing on these things that drive men away is about communication. If you don’t have straight, candid communication, you can’t solve issues that will threaten a relationship from even starting. It all begins with your ability to communicate and learn how to articulate what it is you want to a man.

Always make an effort to help him to understand you. I still like to say things like, “Help me understand why I feel the way I do?” Men will respond well to that. What you’re saying is, “I’m feeling something. I’m feeling a little out of sorts. Will you help me figure out where it might be coming from?” A man will respond well to that because you’re asking for his help. For one, you’re not accusing him of anything. You’re not defensive. You’re asking for his help to help you understand why you’re feeling a certain way. A man will soften, and he’ll look at you, and he will try to help you figure that out. Make sure that you are excellent and transparent in your communications with men. That’s the thing that’s going to drive them away if you’re not.

Stop wasting your precious time so that you can understand men, understand yourself. Click To Tweet

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

Important Links:

  • Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!
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Categories : Episodes
Tags : communication, Drive Men Away, Power, relationships, Space

How To Take Back Your Power When He’s Pulling Away

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· October 1, 2019 
· 16 Comments

EAA 4 | Taking Your Power Back

 

We tend to get attached very quickly, especially if we like a guy. That’s the worst thing you can do in dating is to get attached. Women have this neurotic need for men to respond to us, to reach out to us, to constantly reassure us that they’re into us and that they like us. That tends to push men away in the process. Jaki shares some tips on how to take your power back when you feel him pulling away.
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Watch the episode here:

 

 

How To Take Back Your Power When He’s Pulling Away

I want to talk to you about how to take your power back when he’s pulling away. This is so hard to do because we tend to get attached very quickly, especially if we like a guy. That’s the worst thing you can do in dating is to get attached. You need to know how to take your power back when you feel him pulling away. We want to examine why we do this to begin with. We have to start to look at why we have this neurotic need for men to respond to us, to reach out to us, to constantly reassure us that they’re into us, that they like us. The thing with this is that it pushes men away in that process when we have this unconscious neurotic need for their approval and their attention. Don’t get me wrong, it feels good to have a man into you, chasing you and wanting you. Until you have that feeling, until you know that he’s chasing you, going after you and wanting you, then you need to remain detached because otherwise, we get a little crazy. What happens is we become powerless in that process because we give up our power. We’re pretty much putting all of our power or all of our self-worth or self-esteem into whether or not they’re getting back to us or they’re pursuing us. When they start to pull away, you need to do nothing.

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

Doing nothing is something. Believe me, it is. It takes a lot of mastery to do nothing. When a man starts to pull away, what I do is I let him and see how far he’ll go. In that process of whatever he’s doing, if he’s feeling fear or if he’s not sure about you, whatever is going on, the worst thing you can do is start to go towards him. It seems like that’s what you should do. You want to reach out and touch base, make up some excuse why you should get in touch with him so that you can reestablish that connection. You’re trying to reestablish that connection. In the process of doing that, you end up chasing him. You give your power away and you start to feel powerless. He’s got the upper hand. What happens is your emotion starts to come into play. You’re not in the driver’s seat anymore. Your emotions are in the driver’s seat. It makes you feel worthless. You want to show up more confidently. It comes down to detaching from the relationship, unless it’s a committed occlusive relationship and you’re dating. You need to keep dating other men. You need to keep fostering relationships with your girlfriend. You need to continue to go out and do things for yourself. To train yourself away from constantly looking at your phone and trying to establish some connection with him.

Don't make it easy for them. Men like to work for it. Click To Tweet

Have you ever done this? Have you ever been sitting there and you’re like, “I’m not even going to bother. I’m done with this.” You put your phone down and you go out and then you come back and boom, there it is. There’s a text from him or he called you. It’s uncanny because it’s energy. If he pulls away and you move towards him, he’s going to sense it and back up even more. You need to inspire him to reach back out to you by doing nothing for one. Also when you’re with him, you’re wanting to notice things about him that makes him feel special. When my husband does things for me, I make a big deal out of it because I want him to keep doing those things. You don’t want to make it easy for them. You want them to work for it. Men do like to work for it. Do things on dates, especially when you first start dating. You want to make sure that you are allowing him to lead. You’re leaning back and you’re inviting him into your beautiful, wonderful space where he can do for you. When he does things for you like pull out your chair or notice something about you or get the car door or pick up the tab, that’s when you gush. That’s when you say, “Thank you so much. You’re such a gentleman.” Men love to hear that. It’s how you make him feel that’s going to want to bring him back.

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

When he senses that you are overly into him or you already like him and you’re showing him. If you say I love you before he does, or if you’re asking him out or asking him questions that might indicate to him that you’re a little jealous or you don’t trust him or anything like that, it’s definitely going to push him away. He’s going to feel like he’s losing his freedom with you already. You haven’t even gotten started. You have to remember that he’s the one who is the doer and you’re the receiver. As long as you stay in that receiving end, you’ll be fine. Believe me, there’s a lot of information that you need to know about when he isn’t reaching out to you or it could mean several things. One, it could mean that he’s interested in somebody else and he’s dating other women, which is likely because you’re dating also. You have to remember that he’s dating other women.

Two, when he pulls away and he doesn’t come back around, that’s the information you need to see. You need to know whether he’s into you or not. That’s why if you reach out to him before he comes back around, you will never have that information because you’re the one who instigated that. You’re the one who you got that ball rolling again and he’ll respond to you. He’s like, “It’s nice to hear from you, Linda.” He’ll be like, “That’s nice.” He didn’t initiate it. It’s going to feel like you’re pursuing him. He’s fizzling. It’s going to make him less interested in you. It’s the dynamics that are between men and women. You have to get on board with the way men and women interact with each other. Not caring about whether he likes you or not, not caring whether anybody likes you or not, that’s what it comes down to. Stop being so concerned if he likes you or not. You’re out there to win it. You’re out there to meet an amazing man, to get into a relationship. Until that man shows you that he’s interested in you and that he wants to make plans with you and be with you, you need to not show so much concern and not take anything personal. You got to stay neutral because it’s in that space that he senses and that’s what creates the tension. That’s what keeps the tension on is your lack of concern.

EAA 4 | Taking Your Power Back

Taking Your Power Back: Dating can be challenging and it can be hard, but it is so worth it because there’s love at the end of it.

 

It’s not that you don’t care about him or dating or being in a relationship. It’s that you don’t care about whether or not he gets back to you because until he proves and he’s worked for it, then you don’t want to be with him anyway. That’s going to show you a lot about what he’s going to be like in a relationship with you. He’s not going to pursue it. He’s going to get lazy. He’s going to not step up and that’s going to drive you crazy. I know it’s hard to do this and it’s easier said than done. I can sit here and tell you all day to not text him and not call him and not care. The truth is that dating can be challenging. It can be hard. It is so worth it because there’s love at the end of it. You master this skillset and that’s what it is, this is a skillset. Practice by going out to a bar and flirt with reckless abandon and don’t care if they like you or not. Don’t care if the man is not interested in you. Wink at him. Wave at him and say hi. Who cares? “Who cares” is such a powerful word in dating. You’ve got to use the, “Who cares?” There’s so much freedom in it. He sees it. You’re not attached to an outcome. When you do that, he’s going to come back around. He’s going to be more interested in trying to win you over. It feels so much better when you’re in that, “Who cares if you like me?” mode versus, “I hope you like me.” Do you see how that energy feels different?

Men can feel that. That’s why it’s so important that you practice this. I recommend that you go out and go to a busy bar and not to pick up a man or anything like that. Go and be flirtatious, fun, smile and laugh and banter with the waiters and the wait staff and the people that are there, men or women. Don’t worry about it. Stop worrying about how you look and how you’re coming across to people. Stop caring about what everybody thinks about you. Only care what you think about you because when you care about what you think about you, others can sense it. Men can sense that vibe. It’s very attractive. It’s very confident. It’s like, “I love me, I accept me, and here I am.” Men love that. You see women out there and then you’re like, “What does she have that I don’t have?” They had these amazing men because they have that. They know the key to keep a man interested in them is developing their own interests, having their own lives, and not placing their emotional wholeness in a man’s hands. He cannot be everything all that to you.

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

My husband isn’t. I’m there for me. He knows that. It keeps the tension on after seven years. We have a healthy, a lot of tension relationship. He can’t wait to come home at night to see me. It’s because I don’t place my happiness in his hand. He knows that. A lot of times I’m like, “Go ahead. I don’t care because I have my own life to live and it’s a great life because I created it.” If you don’t feel happy about your life, then you can change that because you’re the creator of your life. You can change your life. It’s one step at a time.

When he starts to pull away, do nothing. Doing nothing is actually something, and it takes a lot of mastery to do. Click To Tweet

What do you think lawyers do when they get their law degree? Do they stop practicing? No, they open a law practice. You have to keep practicing this skillset until you become a master at it. That’s why I have mastery in the level. All they do is talk about it. I also live and I embody it. Just fake it until you make it, ladies. Go out tonight, get off your couch, get out of your house and go down. Take a walk through town or drive to a local place. Men love to congregate after work in steakhouses or restaurants. When they get off work, men go and meet up. Go right after work, make it on your way home. You make this stop or find Meetup groups. You’ve got to get out there and be more social so you can practice your social skills so you can feel confident when you meet a guy that you really like. You don’t attach to an outcome and go into this whole leaning towards him and he starts to back up.

I hope this helped you. Take your power back and don’t worry about if he’s pulling away. Do nothing. That was the whole point of this talk. There’s nothing you can do. You have to hold space. If he comes back, great. If he doesn’t, then you know that he wasn’t that into you and you can move on to the next man that doesn’t pull away because they don’t all pull away. I promise you, not all men do that. The man that’s into you will not pull away. He will come towards you and keep pursuing you until he scoops you up, not that you want. We want a man that has confidence, he knows what he wants and he’s ready to move forward. There are men out there. My clients get into relationships every day. It can happen to you. You need the support, the container, the structure, and needs some accountability so that you can start making this a part of your embodying what I teach. Thank you for being here. Stop worrying about what anybody thinks about you and do it. Take more risks and have fun. Dating can be fun if you change your point of view and wrap your mindset around what I’m sharing with you.

 

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : dating, doing nothing, relationships, take your power back, what to do when he's pulling away
EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 24, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

 

Nothing makes a relationship better than to be able to connect with the person you are with on a deeper and intimate level. To those who are not as fortunate to come by with this connection, we may find ourselves going around attracting emotionally unavailable men. Go past this and start attracting those that are truly available emotionally as Jaki leads you to find that intimacy within yourself first. As the saying goes, we attract what we are. Deep dive within and self-examine as you reclaim self-love and eventually attract the right person.

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Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

I want to talk to you about how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men because it’s a big topic. A lot of women complain that there are no emotionally available men. I want to have a candid discussion about it. I love talking about emotional availability because it is like heaven on Earth when you meet with a man and you can connect with him on a deeper intimate level. Let’s start out with defining what is intimacy? What is real intimacy? Intimacy is into me I see. It is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. What I mean by that is no matter what you’ve done or what you say or what you did in the past or you’re doing now, you’re not afraid to self-examine. You’re not afraid to ask those deep questions of yourself so that you get the answers. You can become more intimate with yourself and stop listening to your mind’s rationalizations about situations that happened.

Intimacy is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. Click To Tweet

It’s you being completely emotionally honest and open with yourself about what’s going on without rationalizing. You can only be emotionally intimate with a man to the degree that you are emotionally intimate with your own self because you can’t give away what you don’t have inside. If you haven’t done that deep inner work to go in and explore the blocks you have or the painful experiences you’ve had and heal them, you’re not meeting a man from that authentic place. You’re meeting him from the place of those painful experiences because those painful experiences act as blocks and barriers. They are protecting you from experiencing any more pain, but they’re also keeping you from being intimate because they act as a barrier. That’s why it’s important to self-examine and self-inquire. Ask yourself a lot of questions, “What am I feeling? What is this anchored to? Why am I feeling this way,” so you can understand yourself. When you are intimate with yourself and you can understand yourself, then that’s when you have the ability to be in a relationship with an emotionally available man.

If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable men, then it’s a sign. Don’t take this the wrong way please because you know I love you. It’s a sign that you are not being emotionally available on some level. Here’s the good part about this. You’re getting instant feedback from the men that you’re dating because dating provides a mirror. It’s like looking in the mirror. However, he’s acting is a response to how you’re acting. Likes attract likes. We attract men into our lives to help us grow, to help us see how we’re showing up. That’s why this is so exciting. It’s such a beautiful work. Look at dating as an opportunity to grow yourself and through that process, you will attract an emotionally available man. I want to mention what happens when a man withdraws his emotional intimacy. You’re dating a man and he doesn’t call you back and you’ve been seeing him for a couple of weeks or a month or longer. He doesn’t get back to you or he doesn’t answer your questions when you ask him or he avoids topics.

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Those are all signs of emotional unavailability and that he’s distancing himself. He’s demonstrating to you that he’s emotionally not available. I don’t know why that is, but I can speculate. How I can speculate is I would look at his past. It’s important when you get involved with a man, especially if you want a long-term relationship with him, that you discover what experiences he’s had in his history that has caused him pain. Those are going to be clues into why he withdraws because he might be triggered. Men go through painful experiences like we do and they hide it. They hide it from not only you but they hide it from themselves. They may not even be aware that they’re doing that. That’s why it’s so important for you to do the inner work on yourself and become more emotionally intimate with yourself. You have the capacity to signal your man when he drifts, when he withdraws emotionally. You can signal him in a way that he can respond to you without feeling defensive or withdrawing even further.

How do you do that? Very carefully, for one. You use responsible communication. That’s how you do it. Responsible communication is a communication technique that is based on sharing from a place, coming from love, but also with the utmost respect and conscious listening and also being able to share how you feel and being heard by both parties. I recommend you set an appointment. If something occurs and you want to create more intimacy, you need to reach out and set an appointment. It sounds something like this, “On Friday, you said something to me that I didn’t quite understand,” and you would always mention what it was because you don’t want your man to worry about what it is you want to talk to him about it. Because anytime you tell them and you want to talk, his red flag goes up and he starts to retreat. You want to put him at ease right away by explaining to him what it is you want to share with him.

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Emotionally Unavailable Men: The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate to how much you’re willing to share with how you feel.

 

You say, “When we were out Friday night, you said something about the trip. I was wondering if we can talk about that more on Sunday.” You’re not putting him on the spot right now. You’re giving him a heads-up notice that you want to have a deeper discussion about a comment he made and what the comment is and the topic is and when you want to talk about it. Then he’ll say, “That will be fine.” At least he’s set up so that he can think about what he said and he’s prepared to talk to you so he doesn’t feel sabotaged. He doesn’t feel attacked. He doesn’t feel taken off guard. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt. You’re also showing respect by not dumping that on him like, “I want to talk to you,” and maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe you’re in the car going to someplace. If you start that conversation, it’s going to result in an argument. That’s why you want to use responsible communication, to create more intimacy, to create more emotional availability.

You can do this together, you can build this relationship together. Even if you start off with a little emotional unavailability, you can build it together, but you need to know the signs. If he withdraws, it’s a sign that something’s going on and you can signal him by asking him for an appointment to talk about it so that he can share what’s going on with him. When he does that, you want to be careful not to interrupt him, not to take it personal, and not to make any assumptions. You need to let him talk until he’s done talking. I always recommend repeating back what he shared with you until he feels that he was heard. When you do that, you’re going to develop so much intimacy that he’s going to be reluctant to withdraw again. You’ve made it safe for him to stay in the relationship and share how he feels because you are going to become defensive or accusatory. You’re not going to interrupt him. You’re going to make it safe for him to share. That’s how you create intimacy fast.

Take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

What you don’t want to do is withdraw or retaliate using childish ego-based defensive reaction, like not talking to him for a couple of days. That’s called a violation of emotional distance. That’s very harmful. When somebody withdraws their affection or their attention from you, for the level of intimacy you share. If you’re in a relationship, it’s very painful. It’s like giving somebody the cold shoulder. It’s dysfunctional, it’s immature and it has to stop. You cannot do that in a relationship if you want it to last. You need to respect each other’s boundaries by asking for those appointments when you feel that he’s withdrawing. Another way to tell if a man’s emotionally unavailable is if he’s reluctant to share on a deeper level about anything at all. If he wants to keep things on the surface. If he avoids talking about things that are important to you, then that would be a sign that he’s choosing not to be emotionally available or he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available.

If he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available, you can go first by making yourself more available. I’ll tell you how to do that right now. The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate by how much you’re willing to share with how you feel, about your feelings. If you want to experience more emotional intimacy with the man, you need to be more emotionally honest and intimate with him. That means sharing things that are scary for you to share like your fears around whatever is coming up for you. Your fears about moving in together. Your fears around the future or maybe some insecurities you’re feeling. It’s highly functional to share intimate details about how you’re feeling so that he can see that vulnerable side of you and so that you can bond and get closer.

It's healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you're in a relationship. Click To Tweet

Another piece of that is if you don’t share those things, he’s going to see you like a cold fish. He’s going to see you as not having any warmth and not having any depth. Men are looking for warmth. They are looking for depth. Don’t look at that as a weakness. That’s a strength. Being vulnerable has so much strength in it. Make sure that you don’t hesitate to share those vulnerable feelings because it will endear him to you. The more you want emotional intimacy, the more truth you must be willing to share. Which is why it’s very emotionally mature to agree to disagree because you’re not going to agree on everything. You don’t want to hold back because you don’t agree with him. You certainly don’t want to argue about it, but you can say things like, “That’s an interesting perspective. I don’t have that same perspective at all. I think very differently about that, but I respect where you’re coming from.” You’re agreeing to disagree with him. You don’t have to agree with everything he says, but you don’t want to suppress your true feelings and be a doormat and turn yourself into a pretzel and be so agreeable that you don’t even have an opinion. It’s how you do it, how you say things and how you express yourself is the most important part that I want you to hear.

Using a soft tone when you’re saying that or even a playful fun tone like, “I don’t know about that. I am not buying into that. I think that’s more your way of thinking but not mine. I respect your opinion but this is the way I feel.” You say that not needing them to approve of you and not needing them to accept your opinion, but definitely needing them to hear you out. If you use the right tone in the right way, they will hear you out and they will respect you for it. It’s healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you’re in a relationship because you’re not these two halves coming together to make a whole. That’s a dysfunctional relationship paradigm. What you are is two holes coming together, standing side by side like the infinity symbol. That’s what we’re going for. Two holes side by side, not overlapping, not being codependent, not meshing with each other, but having a lot of emotional intimacy right next to each other. I want to close with this. It takes a lot of courage to be emotionally intimate and you have plenty of courage. You have to use enough of it and it takes practice. Practice leads to mastery in any area of your life. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out because the worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to learn something and you’re going to grow and expand because of it.

Thank you for tuning in. If you like the content, please like, share and subscribe to my channel. Share it with your friends so that they can get in on the information as well and you can create a tribe of emotionally available women and practice that intimacy with them.

Be sure to take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

Jaki

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Tags : connection, Emotionally Unavailable Men, intimacy, relationship, self-love
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