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Archive for Episodes

EAA 18 | Things That Drive Men Away

3 Things That Drive Men Away

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· October 8, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 18 | Things That Drive Men Away

 

Nothing could get us out from being single if we continually drive men away. You may not be aware of it, but certain things would certainly keep them from being in a relationship with you. Jaki shares the three things that drive men away while providing you some great insights on how to keep them. Learn about what it means to have more space in a relationship without losing that connection, all the while keeping each other on the same page.
Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

Watch the episode here:

3 Things That Drive Men Away

Not Giving Him Enough Space

I want to talk to you about the three things that drive men away because we don’t want to drive men away. The first one is not giving men enough space. I know this is hard because you meet a guy, or you’re dating the guy or even talking to a guy. You feel things are going well, or you hope they will until you want to talk to him. You want to see him. You want to be in touch with him, but he’s starting to feel there’s too much clinging going on, so he’s starting to pull back, and then you can feel that. That’s because you’re not giving him enough space. The thing is relationships give you more space. You need to trust that when you get into a relationship, you are going to have all the space you need. A man needs to feel that he’s not going to lose his freedom if he gets into a relationship with you. That’s one of the things that will drive a man away if you’re dating him because he feels he’s going to lose his freedom.
The great thing about getting into a relationship; if you do this right, a man will feel he has more freedom because he doesn’t have to worry about dating anymore. He’s found you. He’s in love with you. He’s taking care of you. He can sit back, and that part of his life is resolved. He has more time to focus on all the things that he loves, you, his friends, his work, and all the things that are important to him. If you try to take some of that space away by expecting him to put all of his attention on you, you’re definitely going to drive him away. Remember that we all need our interests. We all need to have our friends. We need to develop and continue to develop those relationships because that’s what makes our relationship healthy.


You need to trust that when you get into a relationship, you are going to have all the space you need. Click To Tweet

If you’re feeling clingy, needy, jealous, or resentful of that time that he takes with his friend, you need to look at where that’s coming from. Maybe you’re feeling a little insecure. Perhaps you’ve been hurt in the past, or somebody cheated on you. You’re trying to control the situation in an attempt for you to feel safe, but what you’re doing is pushing him away. You want to take a good look at what you’re doing that might be preventing a man from his privacy. Never check his phone. Don’t read his messages. Don’t dig for information about him. If you feel that there’s something that warrants a conversation, that’s what you need to have. You need to have a conversation with him if you have any suspicions, and you can say something like, “I need help understanding. Will you please help me to understand this?” Ask him to help you understand it, so it doesn’t come across that you’re accusing him of anything.

I give my husband a lot of space. One of the things that we discussed while we were in that commitment phase is that he had all the freedom he needed. I encouraged him to do things and continue to do things with his friends. When he did, I’m like, “Have fun. I’ll see you when you get home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” That comes from confidence. When you have a lot of self-confidence and high self-worth, you can extend all the freedom you want to your guy because you’re going to notice if anything shifts in your relationship. You’re going to be aware of it. You’re going to trust that you have the tools and the capacity to take care of yourself, to heal yourself, to take care of your own heart if anything does happen. You have to extend trust to your partner, to the man you’re dating. That’s going to keep him coming back for more. The fact that you’re not clingy in a relationship is going to create curiosity on his part and go, “I wonder what she’s doing.” Make sure you have your friends, your interests, and you’re regularly scheduling those things even if you don’t want to. It’s essential to keep that tension on. Keep him wondering about you instead of you always wondering about what he’s doing with his friends.

EAA 18 | Things That Drive Men Away

Things That Drive Men Away: Always make an effort to help him to understand you.

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The Power Struggle

Let’s move onto the second thing that drives men away. This one is a big one for powerful women. The power struggle, that’s what will drive men away. If you have any power struggle with your man. One of the things is paying. That’s a power struggle. I support you not paying for dates. You don’t pay for anything for the least the first several weeks, if not month in the relationship, because you want to see what he’s willing to do for you. That’s going to give you the answers that you need to know if he’s a potential life partner for you. A power struggle could be that you are offering to pay or saying things, and you may not even realize you’re saying things like, “I got it. I’m good. Thanks, but I’ll take care of it.” You might even start noticing if you’re saying those things, even in the store. If you’re reaching up to get something and a man tries to help you, and you’re like, “I got it.” That is a part of this power struggle, and that tells me that you don’t know how to receive. That’s what a power struggle is. You’re not in your feminine energy, and you don’t know how to receive what a man’s offering.

Also, challenging him. Maybe he said something, and you get into a discussion, and you challenge what he’s saying. Men are not threatened by women who have money, who have a better car or even higher education. What will drive men away is if you have a power struggle with them about topics, about their point of view. A man wants to feel like he’s winning with you. If you want a man in your life, you want to keep this in mind. It’s not that you’re dimming your light or stuffing down how you feel, but it’s you recognizing that a man’s a man and they need to feel like a man. If you want a man in your life, these are the principles of having a relationship with a man. Save those great debates for your girlfriends, for your coworkers, and remember that a power struggle with a man is an energy drain. He’s going to choose a woman that’s easier to get along with, that’s more in her feminine energy. Look at where your energy is sourcing. If you’re sourcing from the masculine, you need to do some exercises. You need to do some breathing to get yourself centered, to get yourself into the receiving mode.

The fact that you're not clingy in a relationship is going to create curiosity on his part. Click To Tweet

Don’t offer to give a man anything, especially gifts. Here’s another little tip I’m going to give you. Gift giving, never give a man a gift that is equal to the one that he gives you. Say a man took you on a trip. If you wanted to give him something because you’re dating him, you could give him a book. That’s what I recommend. Don’t offer to take him on a trip or don’t buy him an expensive dinner. If he buys you a fancy dinner and you’ve been dating him, then you can pick up the breakfast tab or cook him breakfast or get him something small so that he doesn’t feel upstaged by you. A man is uncomfortable with receiving expensive gifts. He doesn’t need you to buy expensive gifts or gifts at all. He wants to do that for you. He wants to be the one that’s giving, and you’re receiving. Anytime you give a man a gift, make sure it’s proportionate. One quarter to his four quarters, a small token of your appreciation. What a man wants from you is verbal appreciation. Say thank you and mean it. Tell them how much you appreciate him. That goes far. It goes much further than anything you could ever give him. These men thrive on the appreciation and gratitude that you will show him because then it makes everything that he does for you worthwhile.

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Not Saying What You Mean

The third in my three things that drive men away, and this is a big one, is not saying what you mean. We sometimes think that men can read our minds. We sit there, and we use our body language to communicate, but men don’t pick up on the cues and the body language that women use. They’re looking for a concrete answer. If you don’t communicate what it is you want or if you disagree with something like he’s going out with his friend, and you’re like, “Go ahead,” but on the inside, you’re steaming because you want him to be with you. He’s going to pick up on that energy, and he’s going to resent the fact that you will not say what you mean. You have to learn to communicate. Everything that I’m sharing on these things that drive men away is about communication. If you don’t have straight, candid communication, you can’t solve issues that will threaten a relationship from even starting. It all begins with your ability to communicate and learn how to articulate what it is you want to a man.

Always make an effort to help him to understand you. I still like to say things like, “Help me understand why I feel the way I do?” Men will respond well to that. What you’re saying is, “I’m feeling something. I’m feeling a little out of sorts. Will you help me figure out where it might be coming from?” A man will respond well to that because you’re asking for his help. For one, you’re not accusing him of anything. You’re not defensive. You’re asking for his help to help you understand why you’re feeling a certain way. A man will soften, and he’ll look at you, and he will try to help you figure that out. Make sure that you are excellent and transparent in your communications with men. That’s the thing that’s going to drive them away if you’re not.

Stop wasting your precious time so that you can understand men, understand yourself. Click To Tweet

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : communication, Drive Men Away, Power, relationships, Space

How To Take Back Your Power When He’s Pulling Away

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· October 1, 2019 
· 16 Comments

EAA 4 | Taking Your Power Back

 

We tend to get attached very quickly, especially if we like a guy. That’s the worst thing you can do in dating is to get attached. Women have this neurotic need for men to respond to us, to reach out to us, to constantly reassure us that they’re into us and that they like us. That tends to push men away in the process. Jaki shares some tips on how to take your power back when you feel him pulling away.
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Watch the episode here:

 

 

How To Take Back Your Power When He’s Pulling Away

I want to talk to you about how to take your power back when he’s pulling away. This is so hard to do because we tend to get attached very quickly, especially if we like a guy. That’s the worst thing you can do in dating is to get attached. You need to know how to take your power back when you feel him pulling away. We want to examine why we do this to begin with. We have to start to look at why we have this neurotic need for men to respond to us, to reach out to us, to constantly reassure us that they’re into us, that they like us. The thing with this is that it pushes men away in that process when we have this unconscious neurotic need for their approval and their attention. Don’t get me wrong, it feels good to have a man into you, chasing you and wanting you. Until you have that feeling, until you know that he’s chasing you, going after you and wanting you, then you need to remain detached because otherwise, we get a little crazy. What happens is we become powerless in that process because we give up our power. We’re pretty much putting all of our power or all of our self-worth or self-esteem into whether or not they’re getting back to us or they’re pursuing us. When they start to pull away, you need to do nothing.

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Doing nothing is something. Believe me, it is. It takes a lot of mastery to do nothing. When a man starts to pull away, what I do is I let him and see how far he’ll go. In that process of whatever he’s doing, if he’s feeling fear or if he’s not sure about you, whatever is going on, the worst thing you can do is start to go towards him. It seems like that’s what you should do. You want to reach out and touch base, make up some excuse why you should get in touch with him so that you can reestablish that connection. You’re trying to reestablish that connection. In the process of doing that, you end up chasing him. You give your power away and you start to feel powerless. He’s got the upper hand. What happens is your emotion starts to come into play. You’re not in the driver’s seat anymore. Your emotions are in the driver’s seat. It makes you feel worthless. You want to show up more confidently. It comes down to detaching from the relationship, unless it’s a committed occlusive relationship and you’re dating. You need to keep dating other men. You need to keep fostering relationships with your girlfriend. You need to continue to go out and do things for yourself. To train yourself away from constantly looking at your phone and trying to establish some connection with him.

Don't make it easy for them. Men like to work for it. Click To Tweet

Have you ever done this? Have you ever been sitting there and you’re like, “I’m not even going to bother. I’m done with this.” You put your phone down and you go out and then you come back and boom, there it is. There’s a text from him or he called you. It’s uncanny because it’s energy. If he pulls away and you move towards him, he’s going to sense it and back up even more. You need to inspire him to reach back out to you by doing nothing for one. Also when you’re with him, you’re wanting to notice things about him that makes him feel special. When my husband does things for me, I make a big deal out of it because I want him to keep doing those things. You don’t want to make it easy for them. You want them to work for it. Men do like to work for it. Do things on dates, especially when you first start dating. You want to make sure that you are allowing him to lead. You’re leaning back and you’re inviting him into your beautiful, wonderful space where he can do for you. When he does things for you like pull out your chair or notice something about you or get the car door or pick up the tab, that’s when you gush. That’s when you say, “Thank you so much. You’re such a gentleman.” Men love to hear that. It’s how you make him feel that’s going to want to bring him back.

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When he senses that you are overly into him or you already like him and you’re showing him. If you say I love you before he does, or if you’re asking him out or asking him questions that might indicate to him that you’re a little jealous or you don’t trust him or anything like that, it’s definitely going to push him away. He’s going to feel like he’s losing his freedom with you already. You haven’t even gotten started. You have to remember that he’s the one who is the doer and you’re the receiver. As long as you stay in that receiving end, you’ll be fine. Believe me, there’s a lot of information that you need to know about when he isn’t reaching out to you or it could mean several things. One, it could mean that he’s interested in somebody else and he’s dating other women, which is likely because you’re dating also. You have to remember that he’s dating other women.

Two, when he pulls away and he doesn’t come back around, that’s the information you need to see. You need to know whether he’s into you or not. That’s why if you reach out to him before he comes back around, you will never have that information because you’re the one who instigated that. You’re the one who you got that ball rolling again and he’ll respond to you. He’s like, “It’s nice to hear from you, Linda.” He’ll be like, “That’s nice.” He didn’t initiate it. It’s going to feel like you’re pursuing him. He’s fizzling. It’s going to make him less interested in you. It’s the dynamics that are between men and women. You have to get on board with the way men and women interact with each other. Not caring about whether he likes you or not, not caring whether anybody likes you or not, that’s what it comes down to. Stop being so concerned if he likes you or not. You’re out there to win it. You’re out there to meet an amazing man, to get into a relationship. Until that man shows you that he’s interested in you and that he wants to make plans with you and be with you, you need to not show so much concern and not take anything personal. You got to stay neutral because it’s in that space that he senses and that’s what creates the tension. That’s what keeps the tension on is your lack of concern.

EAA 4 | Taking Your Power Back

Taking Your Power Back: Dating can be challenging and it can be hard, but it is so worth it because there’s love at the end of it.

 

It’s not that you don’t care about him or dating or being in a relationship. It’s that you don’t care about whether or not he gets back to you because until he proves and he’s worked for it, then you don’t want to be with him anyway. That’s going to show you a lot about what he’s going to be like in a relationship with you. He’s not going to pursue it. He’s going to get lazy. He’s going to not step up and that’s going to drive you crazy. I know it’s hard to do this and it’s easier said than done. I can sit here and tell you all day to not text him and not call him and not care. The truth is that dating can be challenging. It can be hard. It is so worth it because there’s love at the end of it. You master this skillset and that’s what it is, this is a skillset. Practice by going out to a bar and flirt with reckless abandon and don’t care if they like you or not. Don’t care if the man is not interested in you. Wink at him. Wave at him and say hi. Who cares? “Who cares” is such a powerful word in dating. You’ve got to use the, “Who cares?” There’s so much freedom in it. He sees it. You’re not attached to an outcome. When you do that, he’s going to come back around. He’s going to be more interested in trying to win you over. It feels so much better when you’re in that, “Who cares if you like me?” mode versus, “I hope you like me.” Do you see how that energy feels different?

Men can feel that. That’s why it’s so important that you practice this. I recommend that you go out and go to a busy bar and not to pick up a man or anything like that. Go and be flirtatious, fun, smile and laugh and banter with the waiters and the wait staff and the people that are there, men or women. Don’t worry about it. Stop worrying about how you look and how you’re coming across to people. Stop caring about what everybody thinks about you. Only care what you think about you because when you care about what you think about you, others can sense it. Men can sense that vibe. It’s very attractive. It’s very confident. It’s like, “I love me, I accept me, and here I am.” Men love that. You see women out there and then you’re like, “What does she have that I don’t have?” They had these amazing men because they have that. They know the key to keep a man interested in them is developing their own interests, having their own lives, and not placing their emotional wholeness in a man’s hands. He cannot be everything all that to you.

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

My husband isn’t. I’m there for me. He knows that. It keeps the tension on after seven years. We have a healthy, a lot of tension relationship. He can’t wait to come home at night to see me. It’s because I don’t place my happiness in his hand. He knows that. A lot of times I’m like, “Go ahead. I don’t care because I have my own life to live and it’s a great life because I created it.” If you don’t feel happy about your life, then you can change that because you’re the creator of your life. You can change your life. It’s one step at a time.

When he starts to pull away, do nothing. Doing nothing is actually something, and it takes a lot of mastery to do. Click To Tweet

What do you think lawyers do when they get their law degree? Do they stop practicing? No, they open a law practice. You have to keep practicing this skillset until you become a master at it. That’s why I have mastery in the level. All they do is talk about it. I also live and I embody it. Just fake it until you make it, ladies. Go out tonight, get off your couch, get out of your house and go down. Take a walk through town or drive to a local place. Men love to congregate after work in steakhouses or restaurants. When they get off work, men go and meet up. Go right after work, make it on your way home. You make this stop or find Meetup groups. You’ve got to get out there and be more social so you can practice your social skills so you can feel confident when you meet a guy that you really like. You don’t attach to an outcome and go into this whole leaning towards him and he starts to back up.

I hope this helped you. Take your power back and don’t worry about if he’s pulling away. Do nothing. That was the whole point of this talk. There’s nothing you can do. You have to hold space. If he comes back, great. If he doesn’t, then you know that he wasn’t that into you and you can move on to the next man that doesn’t pull away because they don’t all pull away. I promise you, not all men do that. The man that’s into you will not pull away. He will come towards you and keep pursuing you until he scoops you up, not that you want. We want a man that has confidence, he knows what he wants and he’s ready to move forward. There are men out there. My clients get into relationships every day. It can happen to you. You need the support, the container, the structure, and needs some accountability so that you can start making this a part of your embodying what I teach. Thank you for being here. Stop worrying about what anybody thinks about you and do it. Take more risks and have fun. Dating can be fun if you change your point of view and wrap your mindset around what I’m sharing with you.

 

Click here to take the soulmate assessment and find out what vibe you’re sending out!

16 Comments
Categories : Episodes
Tags : dating, doing nothing, relationships, take your power back, what to do when he's pulling away
EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 24, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

 

Nothing makes a relationship better than to be able to connect with the person you are with on a deeper and intimate level. To those who are not as fortunate to come by with this connection, we may find ourselves going around attracting emotionally unavailable men. Go past this and start attracting those that are truly available emotionally as Jaki leads you to find that intimacy within yourself first. As the saying goes, we attract what we are. Deep dive within and self-examine as you reclaim self-love and eventually attract the right person.

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

I want to talk to you about how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men because it’s a big topic. A lot of women complain that there are no emotionally available men. I want to have a candid discussion about it. I love talking about emotional availability because it is like heaven on Earth when you meet with a man and you can connect with him on a deeper intimate level. Let’s start out with defining what is intimacy? What is real intimacy? Intimacy is into me I see. It is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. What I mean by that is no matter what you’ve done or what you say or what you did in the past or you’re doing now, you’re not afraid to self-examine. You’re not afraid to ask those deep questions of yourself so that you get the answers. You can become more intimate with yourself and stop listening to your mind’s rationalizations about situations that happened.

Intimacy is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. Click To Tweet

It’s you being completely emotionally honest and open with yourself about what’s going on without rationalizing. You can only be emotionally intimate with a man to the degree that you are emotionally intimate with your own self because you can’t give away what you don’t have inside. If you haven’t done that deep inner work to go in and explore the blocks you have or the painful experiences you’ve had and heal them, you’re not meeting a man from that authentic place. You’re meeting him from the place of those painful experiences because those painful experiences act as blocks and barriers. They are protecting you from experiencing any more pain, but they’re also keeping you from being intimate because they act as a barrier. That’s why it’s important to self-examine and self-inquire. Ask yourself a lot of questions, “What am I feeling? What is this anchored to? Why am I feeling this way,” so you can understand yourself. When you are intimate with yourself and you can understand yourself, then that’s when you have the ability to be in a relationship with an emotionally available man.

If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable men, then it’s a sign. Don’t take this the wrong way please because you know I love you. It’s a sign that you are not being emotionally available on some level. Here’s the good part about this. You’re getting instant feedback from the men that you’re dating because dating provides a mirror. It’s like looking in the mirror. However, he’s acting is a response to how you’re acting. Likes attract likes. We attract men into our lives to help us grow, to help us see how we’re showing up. That’s why this is so exciting. It’s such a beautiful work. Look at dating as an opportunity to grow yourself and through that process, you will attract an emotionally available man. I want to mention what happens when a man withdraws his emotional intimacy. You’re dating a man and he doesn’t call you back and you’ve been seeing him for a couple of weeks or a month or longer. He doesn’t get back to you or he doesn’t answer your questions when you ask him or he avoids topics.

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Those are all signs of emotional unavailability and that he’s distancing himself. He’s demonstrating to you that he’s emotionally not available. I don’t know why that is, but I can speculate. How I can speculate is I would look at his past. It’s important when you get involved with a man, especially if you want a long-term relationship with him, that you discover what experiences he’s had in his history that has caused him pain. Those are going to be clues into why he withdraws because he might be triggered. Men go through painful experiences like we do and they hide it. They hide it from not only you but they hide it from themselves. They may not even be aware that they’re doing that. That’s why it’s so important for you to do the inner work on yourself and become more emotionally intimate with yourself. You have the capacity to signal your man when he drifts, when he withdraws emotionally. You can signal him in a way that he can respond to you without feeling defensive or withdrawing even further.

How do you do that? Very carefully, for one. You use responsible communication. That’s how you do it. Responsible communication is a communication technique that is based on sharing from a place, coming from love, but also with the utmost respect and conscious listening and also being able to share how you feel and being heard by both parties. I recommend you set an appointment. If something occurs and you want to create more intimacy, you need to reach out and set an appointment. It sounds something like this, “On Friday, you said something to me that I didn’t quite understand,” and you would always mention what it was because you don’t want your man to worry about what it is you want to talk to him about it. Because anytime you tell them and you want to talk, his red flag goes up and he starts to retreat. You want to put him at ease right away by explaining to him what it is you want to share with him.

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Emotionally Unavailable Men: The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate to how much you’re willing to share with how you feel.

 

You say, “When we were out Friday night, you said something about the trip. I was wondering if we can talk about that more on Sunday.” You’re not putting him on the spot right now. You’re giving him a heads-up notice that you want to have a deeper discussion about a comment he made and what the comment is and the topic is and when you want to talk about it. Then he’ll say, “That will be fine.” At least he’s set up so that he can think about what he said and he’s prepared to talk to you so he doesn’t feel sabotaged. He doesn’t feel attacked. He doesn’t feel taken off guard. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt. You’re also showing respect by not dumping that on him like, “I want to talk to you,” and maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe you’re in the car going to someplace. If you start that conversation, it’s going to result in an argument. That’s why you want to use responsible communication, to create more intimacy, to create more emotional availability.

You can do this together, you can build this relationship together. Even if you start off with a little emotional unavailability, you can build it together, but you need to know the signs. If he withdraws, it’s a sign that something’s going on and you can signal him by asking him for an appointment to talk about it so that he can share what’s going on with him. When he does that, you want to be careful not to interrupt him, not to take it personal, and not to make any assumptions. You need to let him talk until he’s done talking. I always recommend repeating back what he shared with you until he feels that he was heard. When you do that, you’re going to develop so much intimacy that he’s going to be reluctant to withdraw again. You’ve made it safe for him to stay in the relationship and share how he feels because you are going to become defensive or accusatory. You’re not going to interrupt him. You’re going to make it safe for him to share. That’s how you create intimacy fast.

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What you don’t want to do is withdraw or retaliate using childish ego-based defensive reaction, like not talking to him for a couple of days. That’s called a violation of emotional distance. That’s very harmful. When somebody withdraws their affection or their attention from you, for the level of intimacy you share. If you’re in a relationship, it’s very painful. It’s like giving somebody the cold shoulder. It’s dysfunctional, it’s immature and it has to stop. You cannot do that in a relationship if you want it to last. You need to respect each other’s boundaries by asking for those appointments when you feel that he’s withdrawing. Another way to tell if a man’s emotionally unavailable is if he’s reluctant to share on a deeper level about anything at all. If he wants to keep things on the surface. If he avoids talking about things that are important to you, then that would be a sign that he’s choosing not to be emotionally available or he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available.

If he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available, you can go first by making yourself more available. I’ll tell you how to do that right now. The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate by how much you’re willing to share with how you feel, about your feelings. If you want to experience more emotional intimacy with the man, you need to be more emotionally honest and intimate with him. That means sharing things that are scary for you to share like your fears around whatever is coming up for you. Your fears about moving in together. Your fears around the future or maybe some insecurities you’re feeling. It’s highly functional to share intimate details about how you’re feeling so that he can see that vulnerable side of you and so that you can bond and get closer.

It's healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you're in a relationship. Click To Tweet

Another piece of that is if you don’t share those things, he’s going to see you like a cold fish. He’s going to see you as not having any warmth and not having any depth. Men are looking for warmth. They are looking for depth. Don’t look at that as a weakness. That’s a strength. Being vulnerable has so much strength in it. Make sure that you don’t hesitate to share those vulnerable feelings because it will endear him to you. The more you want emotional intimacy, the more truth you must be willing to share. Which is why it’s very emotionally mature to agree to disagree because you’re not going to agree on everything. You don’t want to hold back because you don’t agree with him. You certainly don’t want to argue about it, but you can say things like, “That’s an interesting perspective. I don’t have that same perspective at all. I think very differently about that, but I respect where you’re coming from.” You’re agreeing to disagree with him. You don’t have to agree with everything he says, but you don’t want to suppress your true feelings and be a doormat and turn yourself into a pretzel and be so agreeable that you don’t even have an opinion. It’s how you do it, how you say things and how you express yourself is the most important part that I want you to hear.

Using a soft tone when you’re saying that or even a playful fun tone like, “I don’t know about that. I am not buying into that. I think that’s more your way of thinking but not mine. I respect your opinion but this is the way I feel.” You say that not needing them to approve of you and not needing them to accept your opinion, but definitely needing them to hear you out. If you use the right tone in the right way, they will hear you out and they will respect you for it. It’s healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you’re in a relationship because you’re not these two halves coming together to make a whole. That’s a dysfunctional relationship paradigm. What you are is two holes coming together, standing side by side like the infinity symbol. That’s what we’re going for. Two holes side by side, not overlapping, not being codependent, not meshing with each other, but having a lot of emotional intimacy right next to each other. I want to close with this. It takes a lot of courage to be emotionally intimate and you have plenty of courage. You have to use enough of it and it takes practice. Practice leads to mastery in any area of your life. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out because the worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to learn something and you’re going to grow and expand because of it.

Thank you for tuning in. If you like the content, please like, share and subscribe to my channel. Share it with your friends so that they can get in on the information as well and you can create a tribe of emotionally available women and practice that intimacy with them.

Be sure to take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

Jaki

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : connection, Emotionally Unavailable Men, intimacy, relationship, self-love
EAA 22 | Hot And Cold

He’s HOT/COLD

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 17, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 22 | Hot And Cold

 

One day he comes on strong and totally into you. The next day, he becomes cold and confusing. How do you keep on playing this game when dating or in a relationship, or maybe, how do you stop the game? Sometimes, this kind of set-up only leads us at the losing end. We start to question ourselves in the process when the problem tends to not be our fault. Jaki hands us the key to understanding what is happening so we can free ourselves from the cycle of control and fear.

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Watch the episode here:

 

He’s HOT/COLD

I wanted to talk about when a guy comes on strong, he’s into you and then he goes cold and it causes a lot of confusion. I know you may have experienced this and it certainly is a game that gets played when you’re dating and in relationships and it’s dysfunctional. Let’s just go over what it is. One minute, things are going along. You’ve got this band here, you’re going back and forth and you feel something’s happening and you start enjoying the attention that you’re receiving from a man. The next thing you know, he pulls back and he withdraws into his cave and you’re left wondering, “What did I do?” You start to question yourself and think that you did something wrong. You start to go into thinking about what you said and what you did. This behavior is extreme when a man withdraws like that and it’s about power play whether you call it push and pull and hot or cold, it’s all the same. What it does is it leaves you feeling frustrated and confused.

Control

The key is to understand what’s happening so that if you feel caught into this cycle because it’s a pattern in a cycle, all about control and fear, then you can quickly recognize it for what it is. There are a couple of things you can do. You can use the skills and tools that I teach in my program to become more intimate about what’s happening and invite a conversation. That person that’s doing this, the man that’s doing this, is incapable or interested in having this conversation because he’s using this behavior as a way to control you. Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously, what happens is it creates a longing and it creates a pursuit. As soon as he pulls away, it activates this feeling like, “I have to have him.” What you want to do is reach out and pursue. That’s usually what you do. You go, “I’m just going to send him a quick little text and see what he’s up to.” You might make up some excuse like, “He’s just busy at work.” Some of these rational lies that we tell ourselves to try to justify this emotional unavailability.

If you're in this tug of war with the man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Click To Tweet

You might say that he’s sorting out his last relationship or he’s busy at work. He’s got a big project or his kids need him right now. Those are all rational lies that your mind tells you in order to prevent you from seeing what’s going on because your mind is trying to protect you from any painful experiences. In a way, what happens is your mind is protecting you but it’s keeping out some valuable information. I know you’re going to remember this and it’s going to help you in the future. There’s that saying, “Flee and they follow, follow and they flee.” This is what happens. There is this push and pull that happens. What happens is when you start to get close to somebody and things are going well and there are some mutual affection and some attention, you enjoy that and it feels good and you want more of that. It starts to make you long for some relationship stability. You do want that. You start to move in that direction.

What happens is when a man pulls away, it creates an automatic response in you to chase him because you want to get back into this feeling. You want to be the object of his affection and his attention that felt good. This phase is like a corral. It’s the hot phase and it’s designed to get you in the gate that leads to the corral where later you’ll be harnessed. I read that on the internet. It’s created to get the hook in your mouth and you win. That’s the hot phase. The cold phase is designed to make you long for more attention so that you’ll pursue. Both of the phases are dysfunctional. When you get into this phase with a man, you may not realize it but what you’ve done by pursuing a man is you’ve submitted to a man’s emotional and psychological need to control you. A lot of that comes from needing to control to feel safe. I’m not necessarily saying it’s bad, it’s just definitely something you need to be aware of so that you can cope with it. It’s a dance and it has a cycle. It’s like this push and pull.

Comfort And Discomfort; Power And Intimacy

He’ll pull away, you’ll pursue him and then he’ll back up. You’ll back up and then he’ll come towards you and it goes on and on until you become aware of the pattern. There is a difference between when a relationship has a little hiccup, when you’re first seeing each other and you like each other and you’re starting to feel vulnerable. Those are normal healthy feelings. It’s natural to feel for a man to maybe withdraw and maybe consider his position and consider his feelings. When that happens and you have a certain level of intimacy, then you want to invite a conversation and ask that man to talk to you about the pulling away. You want to create more intimacy in that moment and not more distance because if there’s distance then it’s just a game. When you’re in a relationship and a man is emotionally invested in you, then he’s going to want to have that conversation with you even though it’s an awkward conversation.

What happens is you’ll go from a phase of comfort and then you’ll get closer and then you go through a phase of discomfort because your zone is growing. You’re out of your comfort zone. You’ll go from comfort to discomfort back to comfort again, only your zone has grown and that’s called a paradigm shift. If you go from comfort to discomfort and you don’t go back to that zone again, then that means that the relationship is not going to develop. A man that’s playing that hot and cold game has burst of hot but it doesn’t result in any forward momentum. That’s the problem. It’s a game. It’s hot and cold and that’s exciting for them because they have this control over you, but the root cause of this behavior is it’s a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable and it’s love. He is trying to gain control over the uncontrollable which is love.

A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love. He’s going to dip his toe into that pool and he’s going to toy around with it, but he’s never going to commit to it because he’s too afraid of getting hurt. He has trust issues. He has fear of intimacy and you can’t continue to pursue him because you just push them further away. It makes us feel that a man has all the power, but the real power is in the intimacy. Real power is in intimacy and your ability to maintain contact in an intimate way. That’s where the real power comes. If you have that inner strength and confidence, you don’t have any fear of being open and honest with him when he pulls away because you know and you recognize that this is an opportunity to get closer. If he doesn’t take that opportunity, that’s a sure sign that he’s playing the game. He’s exerting that control so that he cannot get hurt, not get his feet wet, not jumping into the pool with you and go swimming into the deep end.

He’s going to play it safe and that’s dysfunctional especially if you’re looking for a relationship and a life partner. Just having an awareness about this game is going to help you because when it happens to you, you’re going to recognize it for what it is. That’s how you turn the table in your favor is by recognizing it. I talked to one of my clients and she reached out to me and I wanted to give her some support. She’s working in my program and she said that she’s dating a man. They’ve got close and she talked to him about what she was looking for and what she wants in long-term. She wants to get married and have children. He said that he didn’t think he would be ready for that and she said, “That’s what I want. Now that you know, you can reach out to me or not but I’m not going to pursue you.” He said, “Okay, fair enough.” A couple of days went by and he called her and she’s at dinner, so she answers the phone. She has a quick chat with him. He just called to say hi and that’s when she called me and she’s like, “What should I do?” She goes, “I think I’m going to send him a text tomorrow morning.” I’m like, “No, this is exactly what’s going on. He’s doing this hot and cold behavior.”

EAA 22 | Hot And Cold

Hot And Cold: A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love.

 

He waits three days, he calls her and then it initiates that yearning and that longing to be the center of his attention again where she’s giving up her own ability to nurture and take care of her emotional needs. She’s looking for another person, some external source for that so she gets back into the game. The system kicks in again and there goes the pattern. She’s going to send him a text and now they’re back in this dance. Another two weeks will go by and that’s what happens. You lose time and that’s why you want to be aware of this and make sure that you don’t get stuck in it. If you are, know that this awareness of reading to this blog, if it’s resonating with you, this is your first step in changing and shifting that pattern and stepping into something more functional for yourself.

Once you recognize the pattern, you gain freedom from it. If you are in this pattern, know that all you have to do is stop contacting him and wait long enough for him to come back around if he’s going to and you’ll have your answer or you can simply set an appointment to talk to him. That’s what I think is the most functional. Say, “Do you have a few minutes tomorrow night? I’d love to sit down and talk to you a little bit about what’s going on.” If he makes that appointment, then you have something. You have someone that’s not afraid to be intimate and real because that’s what it’s all about. This person doesn’t want to be real. He just wants to play a game. It’s important that you ask these questions and that’s why it’s important and I encourage all of you to ask as many questions as you can before you get emotionally invested. It’s so much easier from that place to be curious about somebody and why they do what they do.

Playing Tug-Of-War

I’m going to be offering tons of support answering these questions and creating a lot of training about all these different scenarios in my program, my Engaged at Any Age year-long program that I am sending out emails and creating training and create this invitation so that we can work together. I’m very passionate about helping all of you become more intimate in your relationship so that you can have that deep, juicy, soulful relationship that all of you are reaching out to me and telling me you want. It’s going to require a little work. You’re going to have to shift out of your comfort zone and step out of that fearful place that you’re at and take some emotional risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the game.

If you’re in this tug of war with a man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Cut your losses. Your time is better spent with someone who’s more functional. If you ask for that conversation and you get a reaction of anger or defensiveness or they’re giving you a guilt trip saying, “I’m working a lot.” This is revealing a lot to you so you want to ask those questions and take note of their response. If he doesn’t respond to you or shuts down, there’s information in that that you need to look at. Make sure you go ahead and ask the question. Have the courage to ask the question. If you don’t get a response, then that’s your answer. That person doesn’t have the skill set to have the type of relationship that you want because you just use a lot of emotional courage to ask these questions in the first place. You’re making yourself vulnerable to him so that you can go deeper. If he doesn’t respond to that, then that lets you know something that you need to know about that man.

Extended Travel Experiences

Anybody that’s straightforward and honest is somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. Anybody that is playing games in lieu of the ability to be real is not somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. I have some questions here, “He stopped calling. I was reaching out and still being open. I offered to talk but he’s avoided it repeatedly. I want a man who wants me and is clear that he wants me. He’s the one who brought all the commitment talks at day one that’s why I opened it up in the beginning?” There’s nothing you can do and there’s nothing you should do because he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in going deeper. He’s in fear. He got triggered and he’s afraid. That’s what you know for sure.

What is he going to do with that fear? He’s either going to remain out of contact with you or he’s going to step forward. You need to know that information about him. That’s telling you a lot about how he’s going to be in a relationship with you. As painful as it is when someone does this, it lets you know the level of intimacy that they’re capable of at the moment. I would say you got close with him but your timing’s off. Don’t get discouraged. Look at this as like, “I attracted somebody and we got close. I’m one step closer because I made myself vulnerable and I know how to do that.” I want you to continue to practice that level of vulnerability because when you do that, there’s strength in it. Because you’re being honest and you’re speaking your truth of what you want. The universe will rise up and meet you with the match to that vibration. That’s why you don’t want to pull back and shut your heart down. You will have to let this one go so the next one can come in. That’s what I want you to do.

Here’s the question that I want to answer. A gal wants to know, she has photos of extended travel experiences in India, Iceland, Italy, walking through Portugal, a month-long stay in the Netherlands. Is that too much?” I would say yes. That’s too much to put on your profile because you could trigger the scammers. It would trigger a scammer so I wouldn’t put all of that. One or two pictures of travel. You want to create enough intrigue for them to reach out to you but not give them the whole story. If you’re oversharing in your profile, it could intimidate men or invite those scammers to pursue you and you don’t want that. That’s an overshare. That information is what you want to leave your date. Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama and you don’t want that.

Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It's not a man's job to make you feel better. Click To Tweet

The other question that she had, someone writes on your photos and they comment on them and she responds back with a pleasant manner and then that’s it. Here’s the problem with that, when somebody makes a comment on your pictures, on your profile, that’s an awesome opportunity for you to ask a question back. I had this I woman I talked to and she said that there was a man with a picture of his dogs. She commented on his dogs and I said, “What did you say?” She said, “I love that breed. That’s one of my favorite breed of dogs.” I’m like, “That’s it?” She didn’t ask a question that begs for an answer. I’m like, “You missed an opportunity.” Make sure you’re asking questions. If he makes a comment on your profile like, “Nice dress or great legs or whatever.” You can say, “That dress brings back a lot of great memories. I was up in San Francisco when I bought it. Have you been to the city?” or something like that. Lead it into a conversation so that he has to respond to you and answer your question. Use those comments on your pictures to create more banter that will hopefully lead to a date. It’s always questions. Ask a lot of questions and that’s how you’ll get answers and connection.

Reaching Out To A Man

The next question is, “Is it okay to reach out to a man on a dating site?” “Absolutely.” That’s what it’s all about. You’ve got to get good at this banter. When you’re reaching out to a man on a dating site, it’s not a date it’s like flirting with a man on a networking event. You’re just saying, “How are you? What’s Your Business? What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” You strike up conversations with strangers. You’re not getting courted until they ask you out but you can tee it up. You can let them know that you’re interested by engaging them on instant messaging and by sending an email. You send an email and it’s just a little note. It’s a question and a comment. You look at their profile and comment. Maybe they’re leaning up against a cool car. It seems that men love to put pictures of them leaning up against a cool car. You can say something about the car and then ask him a question. Ask him a question like, “How fast does that car can go?” Ask questions and be playful about it.

These questions need to be lighthearted and fun and almost teasing a little bit. A little mischievous. A little good banter goes a long way because it’s already awkward enough. You are flirting with a perfect stranger but what you’ll do is intrigue them enough to reach out and continue the conversation. I recommend doing this on instant message. It’s a good way to practice if you’re feeling sensitive, shy, and nervous about doing that. A good place to practice is instant messaging on your dating sites. What you do is you’ll just practice sending little notes to men that are online at the same time you are. With the intention of going back and forth a little bit and then saying, “I’ve got to run. Nice talking to you.” Get off the call, get off the instant messenger and then leave it up to them to contact you. They looked at your profile, they know how to get ahold of you. I would do this three or four times when you’re online, but the key is to only do it with men that are online at the same time that you’re online.

EAA 22 | Hot And Cold

Hot And Cold: Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama you would not want.

 

Power In Triggers

You don’t want to send emails to people that aren’t online. I recommend you do that as well but this is a strategy to help you get out of your comfort zone to create engagement and to have fun with it and you’re not looking for them to ask you out. You’re saying, “I’ve got to run. Great connecting.” Give him a little wink and then that’s it. It’s up to them to pursue you but you’ve set it up. I recommend this because it will help you to desensitize yourself about this whole dating process. I know it triggers a lot of fear and a lot of fear of rejection. That’s what it triggers and bring it on. Let those triggers come up because there’s power in those triggers. There’s information in those triggers. Your emotional triggers tell you something about you that you need to look at. You want to ask yourself this question, “What do my emotional triggers tell me about me?” If you’re triggered, then it’s something that’s going on inside of you. Usually, it’s a fear of rejection. Don’t reject yourself in the process. When you feel that, you want to look and ask yourself, “What is going on with me? What is my emotional trigger trying to tell me about me?” Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”

Follow it to its source. Get to the bottom of it. Get to the root cause of what makes you feel that way because it can be very disempowering. If you don’t take action to feel better, then it’s on you. That is your responsibility. Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It’s not a man’s job to make you feel better, it’s yours. What Michael and I have is I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me and that’s a highly functional way to look at dating. Your emotional needs are just that. They’re your emotional needs so when you feel those needs come up, make sure you meet them and don’t abandon yourself in the dating process and then have the audacity to blame men for your emotional instability. The dating process is a fabulous way to do a lot of deep emotional work because it brings up a lot of things that you need to clear up anyway. You’re becoming a highly functional and emotionally mature woman and you’re getting a man at the same time. I say that that’s fantastic and it’s going to take as long as it takes.

Practice Receiving

The sooner you start working through these emotional triggers and understanding the game of hot and cold, the better you’re going to be in a relationship and the more space you can hold for that relationship. Let me answer this one last question. “I let a guy open the door for me this week. I felt proud because you popped into my mind while your voice was always saying, practice receiving and let men do things for you.” Yes, receive, “I receive. I receive. I receive.” That’s the mantra. Let a man come to you. You can drop the hanky, do that online flirting, but make sure that you are allowing what you’re asking for to come in by not pursuing men because they will pursue. They love a good chase. Give him one. Give them a run for their money and they’ll love that. The more you do that, the more fun it is for everybody and the more potential for a relationship. Because men love a challenge and they want to win you. When you don’t stay in receiving mode, they can lose interest.

It feels good to have a man step into his power. They want to step into their power and if we don’t hold that space, then we disempower them by acting on opening our doors and getting things that they can get for us. You want to keep that balance in the feminine-masculine energy moving along beautifully by staying in your receiving mode. I’m going to leave you with the mantra, “I receive,” because you’re worth it and you deserve it. You deserve to have everything you want. There is nothing that you should or shouldn’t want. You should expect to get what you want. That’s what I want you to hear. Expect to get what you want but you have to ask for it. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for being here. Please send me your questions so that I can make more training videos for you. Lots of love.

 

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : connection, Control, dating, Hot And Cold, intimacy, relationship
EAA 23 | Limiting Beliefs

Stop Limiting Beliefs That Sabotage You In Love!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 10, 2019 
· 2 Comments

EAA 23 | Limiting Beliefs

 

Limiting beliefs are anything that limits you from doing what you want out of your life. They limit you from living your best life. You can change the things that you’re aware of; it’s the unconscious limiting beliefs, the things you’re not aware of, that are almost always causing the problems. Jaki shares how you can become more aware of the limiting beliefs that are sabotaging you so that you can free yourself from them and can create something different. It’s so powerful when you understand how your belief system works and what you can do to make some small tweaks to it so you can have the life that you want.

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Watch the episode here:

 

Stop Limiting Beliefs That Sabotage You In Love!

I wanted to talk about how to stop limiting beliefs that sabotage you and your love life. I’m excited talking about beliefs, especially limiting beliefs because it’s so powerful when you understand how your belief systems work and what you can do to make some small tweaks to your beliefs so you can have the life that you want. What are limiting beliefs? They are anything that limits you from doing what you want out of your life. They limit you from living your best life. It’s more common that it’s the unconscious limiting beliefs that caused problems. The things you’re aware of, you can change. It’s the things that you are not aware of. Becoming more aware of your unconscious limiting negative beliefs that are sabotaging you, so that you can free yourself from them and you can create something different. Your beliefs create your experiences, not the other way around. Whatever you’re experiencing right now in your life, and don’t take this the wrong way, it’s because of a belief system that’s running that maybe you’re aware of or not aware of. It’s causing you to have the experience that you maybe not so happy with.

You want to take a look at your life and note that the thoughts that you had yesterday and even now are the experiences that you are seeing right now that are showing up in your life. Because our thoughts are like seeds. When we think something over and over again, it’s like we’re creating an event that we want to happen. Just like if you want to manifest your man, what I always recommend that you do is you start to think thoughts that are congruent with what you want to create. You’re thinking about what you want. You’re visualizing your wedding, you’re visualizing your man, what you’ll do together, what you’ll cook together, where you’ll travel together. You’re just spending a lot of time visualizing that and that’s great. Essentially you’re planting seeds in your mind or thought that will someday come to fruition. They’re going to sprout up later down the road. That’s why I always say, “Watch your thoughts and guard them carefully because you’re creating your future with your present thinking.” What happens is a lot of times we start to think about what we don’t want and those are the most prevalent thoughts. Psychologists have now proven that we think 40,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day by the time we reached 50 and 80% to 90% of those thoughts are negative.

You can see how you take two steps forward and then maybe one step back and maybe even a giant step back. As much as you are thinking of your positive affirmations, thinking about your ideal man list, visualizing what you want. If unconsciously and subconsciously there is a belief system that’s running and says, “I never get what I want,” or “There are no good men out there,” or all these other beliefs that I’m going to go over each one that I hear a lot from women. Those 40,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day, it’s very hard to stop creating those thoughts. You can say 1,000 affirmation now, but that’s not going to overcome the 40,000 to 50,000 negative thoughts that your mind is unconsciously thinking. Learning a process to become more aware of what your mind is sub-vocalizing. When I say sub-vocalizing, I mean what your mind is thinking when you’re not conscious. When you go unconscious, your mind is running a storyline about what he said and about what she said or past painful experience and that’s common.

It’s easy to get stuck in our stories about the past. When you’re driving, have you ever driven somewhere and you get there and you’re like, “How did I get here? I don’t even remember driving.” Who was driving the car? That’s part of your brain that’s driving the car down and it allows you to drift into some thinking and more than likely you’re drifting into something that happened. You’re regurgitating something that happened. You’re going over it in your mind thinking about it and without realizing it, you may be unconsciously recreating what you’re thinking about. That’s why we want to get clear on what your mind is doing and to be able to hear when your mindset is vocalizing those negative thinking. You need to become aware.

How you can do that quickly? It’s off the topic, but I want to give you a little tool. You can tell what you’re thinking about, especially if it’s negative by how you feel in your body. If you’re driving along and you notice all of a sudden, you’re clenching your stomach and your shoulders are getting tense, more than likely, just quickly say, “What was I thinking about?” You probably were thinking about something that is not pleasant to you. The indicator will show up in your body because your body is going to communicate to you when you’re not feeling good. When you’re thinking something that’s not good for you or not positive, then it’s going to show up in your body as a message or warning sign that you’re out of balance. Pay attention to how your body feels because that’s how your intuition communicates with you, through the language of feelings. Sending you messages to try to get your attention. Queasy tummy, that tight chest, or maybe a sore throat, those are all messages from your intuition saying, “Something is trying to access you,” so that you can become conscious in that moment. Then start to address in more consciously what it is you were thinking about. I’ll do another talk on that more, the language of feelings and of your intuitive heart.

I Don’t Think It Can Happen

Right now, I want to stick to the topic which is beliefs. Let’s talk about the beliefs that are the most common that I hear a lot of the ladies saying. The number one belief is, “I don’t think it can happen.” It’s easy to believe that especially when you don’t have any evidence. You haven’t had success in dating or you haven’t had a relationship in a long time or maybe you’ve never been married. It will be a very easy belief for you to buy into. It’s easy to believe, but it’s also lazy. I want to direct your attention to when I say lazy, it’s because there are things you can do to bolster your belief and to even address that belief. If you don’t take action, then it’s being lazy, just an excuse. It’s an excuse that your mind creates to keep you from feeling the pain that you’re still alone. Your mind does a good job at protecting you and it puts a wall up to protect you like, “Don’t believe it’s going to happen,” so you can stop trying. That’s great. It protects you, but it also keeps out the information you need to move forward. If you don’t believe it can happen for you, then that’s the time for you to look at who you’re surrounding yourself by, who you’re talking to.

It might be a good time for you to look at your inner circle and replace those people. Sometimes when we listen to people and they give us advice and it’s well-meaning, but maybe it’s based on their experience. Maybe you have a single girlfriend that you hang out with and she isn’t having any luck, so you start to believe what she’s saying. Together, you buy into each other’s story and it doesn’t support you to move out of that discouraging place you’re in. Looking at the people that you’re spending time with who are supporting these negative beliefs and finding some new friends and new people to surround yourself with that are going to influence you in a better way to make sure that your goals and ideals are in alignment. That will help you with that belief that don’t believe it can happen for you.

Here’s the thing, whatever you believe, you’re right. If you don’t believe it can happen for you, then you’re right. If you do believe it can happen for you, then you’re right also. I would always choose the better feeling belief. The better feeling belief is clear, that I believe that it can happen for me. That felt so much better then I don’t think it can happen for me. Take some more steps to make sure that you’re doing the things that you need to be doing to make it happen for you. The other belief is there are no good ones left. There are no good men out there or all men are bad. This is another excuse that the mind uses to rationalize. It’s a rational lie that our mind uses to keep us safe and stuck. We always want to ask questions. We have to ask more questions of ourselves. “Where does that belief come from?” The belief that there are no good ones out there or all men are bad, I would look at that belief and what I hear in that is pain. I hear that there is some pain that you haven’t resolved.

Stay detached from an outcome, stay present, and go with the flow. Click To Tweet

If you’re resonating with this belief or you’ve bought into the belief that there are no good ones out there or that all men are bad, I would look at what painful experience have you been through that you haven’t healed from? When I hear that, that’s a protection mechanism. Your mind is protecting you from experiencing any more pain, but it tells me that you have some unresolved pain that you need to heal and release. As long as you have that belief, there are no good men out there or all men are bad, you’re going to be attracting likes. The Law of Attraction, like attracts like. With that belief, you’re going to be getting men that maybe are disrespectful, that don’t treat you right. It confirms your belief because the Law of Attraction is law. It’s the universal law of life, so you’re right. Getting underneath your belief and following them to their source. Following your beliefs to their source and trying to figure out where you picked up that belief, to begin with. Looking at these painful experiences you’ve been through and healing those at the core level will free you from that disempowering belief that there are no good men and there are no good men left and all men are bad. I’m definitely wanting to heal that part of you.

I’ll End Up Alone

This next belief is, “I believe I’ll end up alone.” This is a big belief that a lot of women share. A lot of women are concerned about spending the rest of their life alone and ending up alone. I feel for those of you who are stuck in this limiting belief because it feels real when you’ve been alone for a long time. One positive aspect about this belief is that it is such a big motivator to move you forward. If you have this belief that I’m going to end up alone, then you can use that fear as a catalyst for change because that’s a pretty powerful belief and you don’t want to end up alone. Let that push you as a catalyst to be able to make some changes in your action so that you don’t end up alone. Here’s the thing, it’s safe to say that we all need to be prepared to be alone. That’s probably not what you wanted to hear. What I mean by that is we have to make peace with ourselves and our lives. I know we talk about this a lot about loving yourself, loving your life, loving the single life until you meet your man. There’s a lot of validity in that.

There’s a lot of power in that because you have to make peace that you might be alone. When you make peace with being alone, you actually meet someone. The sooner you make peace with that, the more likely you are to meet with someone. When you’re focused on, “I’m alone,” you’re focusing on what you don’t want. When you believe that, “I believe I’ll end up alone,” it’s a powerful belief and it’s going to create a magnet. It’s going to draw experiences that confirm that you are going to be alone. What would match that experiences are that relationships don’t work out for you. You’re not making a deeper connection with a man, nothing lasts. Those are the consequences of having that belief. There are consequences for not evaluating what your unconscious negative beliefs are. As long as you don’t evaluate them, get underneath where they came from, and stop creating those beliefs, they’ll continue to wreak havoc in your life and perpetuate the same thing that you’ve been experiencing. I know that you want to step off that dating treadmill.

It starts with the belief. The belief creates your action steps. When you look at a belief, the stronger your belief is that you’re going to meet a man, the bigger your action steps and the bigger the result. If you have a very little or weak belief or no belief at all that you’ll meet a man, your action steps are going to be very small and you’ll have no results. It does all start with beliefs. Spending time surfacing, getting clear on what unconscious beliefs you’re resonating and start to chip away at those and start to dismantle those beliefs is going to serve you so powerfully and much faster than anything else you can do. This is very deep work and I recommend it because the dating process is so exciting because it gives you the opportunity to see these beliefs for what they are limiting. For example, you go out on a date and you’ll have an experience. Through that experience, it gives you the opportunity to see a part of yourself that you can’t see on your own.

EAA 23 | Limiting Beliefs

Limiting Beliefs: If you don’t believe it can happen for you, then it’s time to look at who you’re surrounding yourself with and who you’re talking to.

 

I’m Not Good Enough

Relationships provide mirrors. Somebody shows up, causes an interaction and then you want to look at your behavior. Your behavior can tell you about your beliefs. Your behavior stems from your beliefs. If some of your behavior isn’t what you would like it to be, you want to look and see what belief is causing that. Sometimes we’ll have a belief that I’m not good enough and we might go out on a date and then conduct ourselves. Some of our behavior will sabotage ourselves on the date like maybe getting there late or saying things that you mean or agreeing to do things that you really want to do. Those all might be feeding into that belief that, “I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough,” because you’re probably thinking this guy is not going to call me back anyway or you don’t feel a connection. Sometimes when we like a man, it can happen. You meet a guy and you’re like, “He’s great,” and you start to sabotage yourself because you’re thinking, “He’s too good for me. I’m not good enough. He’s not going to like me when he gets to know who I am,” because you don’t have a positive view of yourself.

Whether you like somebody or don’t connect with them, that belief of, “I’m not good enough” can be a very powerful belief that can sabotage you to keep you safe. It wants to keep you from experiencing any more pain. That’s what your mind is designed to do, to keep you safe at all costs. Another false belief is I’ve heard some clients of mine say they had a false belief about what love is. They were disillusioned. They thought love was one thing, but it turns out to be that it’s something else. That’s an interesting conversation. I’ll give a little stab at it. I would say that we do start off when we’re younger having more of magical thinking about relationships and it comes from our culture. Look at all of the Disney movies that lead us to believe that our prince charming is going to come up riding on a white horse. I certainly bought into that myself and hope that that would happen. I was very disappointed to see that it doesn’t happen that way. That’s too much pressure for men and they’re not going to ride up on their horse and save us.

In fact, men don’t want to save us. They want to meet us as an equal and a partner in life. When we mature, we start to recognize that it’s a healthier approach to look at relationships as that we’re not two holes that become one. We’re in fact two holes that need to stay side by side, like two circles, the infinity symbol, not overlapping each other, supporting each other, but not becoming the shade under somebody else’s tree or not being the shade for your partner. I have a saying that I say to Michael. We say, “I’ll take care of me for you if you take care of you for me.” It works really well. I’m not responsible for meeting his emotional needs. He’s not responsible for meeting my emotional needs. I’m responsible for meeting all of my emotional needs. When I respond to myself with ability, so that’s that word responsibility. When I respond to me with ability, then I can address whatever is coming up in me. Then when I am with him, I’m coming from a place of wholeness, a place of calm, a place of security because the truth is security doesn’t lie in external sources. We’re learning that as we mature more and more, we become wiser women, that security is an internal thing. The way I feel secure and safe and sane in my life is for me meeting my emotional needs as they surface.

As soon as the need surfaces, I’m there to meet it. I’m not abandoning myself in that process. Sometimes we expect our partner to be able to read our mind and know that we have a need, but if we don’t express and share that with them and invite them to help us to examine what could be going on, then we can’t expect them to be able to meet that need. A lot of women get disillusioned because I hear it, “He doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t listen to me.” A part of that could be you. You could be the problem because you’re not aware that these are your needs. You need to learn to meet them on your own or at least bring them to your partner in a way that out of curiosity help me to understand when this happened and things like that. As we mature going back to the false belief about what love is, we bring to the table an ability to become more whole in the relationship. Now, the relationship isn’t necessarily to make you happy. It’s to help you grow. That’s what relationships are designed for and it’s very exciting to me.

Make sure that your vision is congruent with what you want. Click To Tweet

Here’s the wonderful thing. When you grow, you become happy. You’re there in the relationship for your personal growth and that personal growth makes you very happy. You don’t come into a relationship so the other person can make you happy. You come into it accepting, knowing, believing, and understanding that you are the cause for your happiness, not somebody else. When you take responsibility for your own happiness, you take a lot of pressure off the men that you’re dating and the relationship that you’re in. Your partner can thrive in that relationship. You can thrive in that relationship. You’re supporting each other, but you’re not shading each other and becoming codependent. Having these unrealistic expectations on each other for your unconditional acceptance, your unconditional love, your boundary protection, and your nurturing. Those are things that you want to be doing for yourself and you’re going to be feeling a lot better when you do that.

I’m Too Old

The next thing I wanted to talk about is the two old belief. You hear this a lot with women of all ages. Women that maybe don’t get married in their 40s might have this belief, “I’m too old,” and women all the way up into their 80s. I love talking about this and that’s why I have my program Engaged in Any Age because I know that we all want love in our life. It’s a fundamental thing about being a human and we are loved. That’s our nature. We always are going to want love in our lives and men feel the same way. Why I know this to be true in terms of that you can find love at any age and every stage in life is because my grandmother lived to be 99 years old. That woman had a line of men out the door and I loved her for that. She was married to my grandfather for 30 years and she had another relationship. Her second husband died. He had a heart attack after they were married for a month. Then she married again for another 30 years. Then she had boyfriends. I asked her, “What’s your secret with all these men?” She said, “I never think of the past and I live in the moment.” Those were pretty profound words for my grandmother who lived to be 99.

She learned a thing or two in her life. I can see why the men found her interesting and intoxicating is because she had the most positive outlook on life. Even though she had lost everyone in her family and all the men that she was dating, she was outliving them. She remained with that upbeat attitude until the day that she left the planet. Her physical body left the planet a couple of years ago and I admired her so much. I know it can happen no matter how old you are because I watched my grandmother do it. I’m a firm believer in that. Take it from her. It can happen to you at every age. You have to take the steps in order to make your dreams come true. What happens when you get older, we all start taking less risks. We get afraid. We’ve been hurt and we start to duck down. We start to keep our head down. We don’t want to get hurt, but there’s no evolution in that. We have so much access to amazing dating sites and activities. There are tons of single people dating activities that you can find in your community. More and more we’re seeing this is totally mainstream to meet people online. That’s how I met my husband is through Match. It’s becoming the norm to meet somebody online more and more. I know that, “I’m too old,” just flies right out the window. Don’t even buy into that.

Dating Is Scary

The other belief that can keep you stuck is, “Dating is scary,” and that’s true. Dating can be scary but here’s the thing, if you buy into that belief, then it’s going to keep you stuck. When I hear that, it’s because you haven’t become a skilled dater. Dating can be a wonderful opportunity and it certainly is a place where you can do a lot of self-discovery. That’s exactly what I recommend using it for. You have these wonderful thousands of men that are willing to take you out. Maybe not thousands to take you out, but there are thousands of men online that are taking women out. You look at this not as duty dating, because I don’t believe in duty dating. I do believe in deliberate dating. Deliberate dating is when you take deliberate steps to set your intention to go on a series of first, second, and third dates for the sole purpose to become a better dater, to become a better listener, to become more present in your actions with men, to not take things personally, to detach from outcomes.

EAA 23 | Limiting Beliefs

Limiting Beliefs: Believing that you’re not good enough can be a very powerful belief that can sabotage you to keep you safe. It wants to keep you from experiencing any more pain.

 

These are all pieces that you can cultivate when you’re in this dating cycle. Until you master the ability to become socially skilled, that’s what dating is. It’s having a high skill set. You become socially skilled by dating. It’s like getting a degree in dating or in social skills. I highly recommend dating. Maybe you started out with dating as your intention is to not meet the one. Your intention at first is to get better at dating, to become a better conversationalist, to become more present, to stop taking things personally and look at your approval issue. Approval issues get triggered so easily in the dating process because we have this massive fear of rejection. If you think about that, fear of rejection is fear of somebody not approving of you. If somebody rejects you, what they’re saying is not, “No.” It’s just, “Not right now,” or maybe “No” is reverse on, “Keep moving on until you find somebody.” When I hear a no from a man that I was dating, I’d be like, “Thank you for saving me a lot of time and thank you for being honest with me.” I don’t have to wonder if it’s not a fit, if it’s not a match, then I move on.

If you’re taking things so personal, like you’re so devastated, that tells me that you attached to an outcome. One of the things that can happen is that you started doodling your name and his on paper. You start fantasizing about a relationship with someone that you don’t know enough about to start that process. If you stay detached from an outcome and you just stay present and go with the flow. Allow things to unfold and not make any attachments to what’s going on until that man has proved to you through his actions that his actions match his words, then you can start to form those attachments. Until that happens, you see a consistent amount of actions that matched the words, then I wouldn’t make any attachment. I wouldn’t make any assumption. I would assume that more has to be disclosed, more has to be discovered. You’re still in the discovery stage, so stay out of attaching to outcomes.

Also, back to the approval, approval issues are big. That fear of rejection is huge because, at the core, we want people to approve of us. We want people to like us. Even if we don’t like the guy and we’re like, I’m not into him, but he rejects you, it really triggers you. Even if you don’t like him, you at least want him to like you. The approval issue is a big one that starts when we’re children. The truth is that we want our parents to approve of us. In fact, we need them to survive. It’s a survival mechanism and it’s very dysfunctional. Until we examine and look at these approval issues and do more work around to release this unconscious dysfunctional need for craving approval from external sources, we’re always going to feel that little twinge of rejection.

If you look to yourself as the only person that needs to approve of your choices and things you do, you will find a lot more peace in dating and your relationships in life. You will suffer less disappointments when you’re not holding that other person as an object of your happiness. When you look for someone to approve of you, you’re objectifying them, turning them into an object, because you’re not seeing them as a person anymore. You’re seeing them as a source that will feed this need you have to be approved of, and as soon as they approve of you, then you feel better and then you’re back in balance. You constantly need that person, not for who they are, but to gain some need that you have, to fulfill some need they can only truly be fulfilled internally from you. That’s why we want to look at this big fear of rejection.

Do the workaround. Examine your belief systems. Question your thinking. Click To Tweet

To wrap it all up of what I’ve shared, let’s go back to our belief systems. I went over to several limiting beliefs that are common with women. Maybe you resonated with a few of them. I wanted to talk a little bit about your belief systems and I want to give you a tool that you can use right away. It’s going to help you to start to create a belief that will cause you to have the experience of having your soul mate. This is what I call the fourth level belief. A fourth level belief is a belief that you create with your conscious mind so that you can have the experience that that belief will bring. That’s why it’s exciting. You can say whatever you want in your life and then start to work towards having that.

I Now Have A Man Who Loves Me And Adores Me

I’m going to give you the belief now. The belief and the intention that you set is going to be something that as if it’s already happened. You’re going to a set of belief as if it’s already happened so that you can have the experience of that belief.  The belief that I’m going to give you is, “I now have a man who loves and adores me.” You start saying that belief over and over again, “I now have a man who loves and adores me.” If you want to add something to it like, “We live happily in the seaside community in San Diego with our two beautiful dogs in our beautiful home.” You’re talking into that belief as if it’s already happened. You can start to program your mind because beliefs are just programs or programs that had been running and a lot of them are outdated. By adding in this support of belief with your conscious mind, you’re creating a belief system about something that you want to experience. Once you plant that seed or create that affirmation, I would write it down and post it where you can see it. Post it on a little yellow sticky and put it on your computer or on your mirror in the bathroom.

You can write it in lipstick on your mirror in the bathroom and put it where you can see it so you’re constantly checking in with, “I now have a man who loves and adores me.” That feels good to say that. Then you start taking action steps that push you forward to having that experience that you want to create. I did this when I was attracting Michael and I do this whenever I’m wanting to experience something new. How you can add to that is to start to create experiences that support having your man in your life. If you now have a man who loves and adores you, you might be looking at your engagement ring or your wedding ring going, “That’s so beautiful. I love that.” I would recommend going engagement ring shopping. Go to a jewelry store and try on rings. I want you to feel what it feels like to have that ring on because when you can feel what that feels like, it’s so much easier to visualize it. It starts to bolster your belief. Your mind can’t tell the difference between the real and the imagined.

That’s why having all these little experiences that will continue to cultivate this belief system are going to be helpful. The feeling of having a ring on, trying it on, looking at it or even buying yourself a beautiful ring and starting to wear it around the house or wear it on your dates, wear it on your other hand. You can start to feel what that would feel like to have that ring and be married to your man. Trying on wedding dresses is another thing. Going to places that you want to share with your beloved. Little things like these help you to create that vision so you can tap into the power of your visualization. It’s like sucking on a lemon. If you would think about sucking on a lemon, your mouth starts to salivate a little. Your mind can’t tell the difference between the real and the imagined. That’s why fantasies or visualizations do help.

EAA 23 | Limiting Beliefs

Limiting Beliefs: If you’re taking things so personal, that means you’re attached to an outcome.

 

Just make sure that your vision is congruent with what you want. Take me up on this challenge to go and try on some engagement rings and wedding dresses. Sign up for the Knot. That is a service online. It’s called the Knot.com where you can sign up and register as a bride. They are getting emails about organizing weddings and all of these things. Start to read about it and make yourself more knowledgeable. That’s going to continue to support the experience that you want to have which is your man, “I now have a man who loves and adores me.” The other part of this talk that I wanted to leave you with is that a lot of the beliefs that are resonating more strongly, we pick up as children. Especially the beliefs like, “I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I have to be perfect. I have to control to feel safe. I have to distance myself. I don’t have a voice.” These are all unconscious beliefs that we pick up as a child when we don’t have the physical strength or the critical thinking skills to understand what’s happening to us.

I was raised in a large family. My mother was a single parent and so we were challenged economically. My mother had a lot of fearful thinking. She passed that onto me. I grew up with a lot of beliefs around I’m not good enough. I didn’t feel good enough. I had to share with my sister’s clothes. I had this belief resonating when I grew up that I never examined. I didn’t have the tool to examine. I didn’t even know it was resonating. I was living out the consequences of having that belief. It’s only after I got divorced that I started to take a look at what was causing the divorce, what caused the dysfunction. I started to recognize the pattern of my thinking and where it came from. I encourage all of you to do the workaround examining these belief systems. Question your thinking. A lot of this is just incorrect thinking. There is nothing wrong with any of you. You’re all amazing women.

You’re going to find love but you have some incorrect thinking. It’s your job on this journey to start to question your thinking. If you get in there and you start to notice this belief, it’s absolutely not true. You are good enough. You are worthy. You’re deserving as anybody else. It’s your birthright to have love because you are loved. Starting to look at where does that belief come from and follow it to its source. You’re going to follow it all the way back to a time when you were probably a small child and you didn’t have something. Maybe somebody wasn’t there for you and it hurt you and you’re still carrying this belief to this day. Starting to do that deeper inner work is going to speed up the process of you finding your soul mate. It’s these unconscious things that keep tripping you up.

On the surface, you might be doing everything that is right. You might be dating, you’re putting yourself out there, but you’re still not connecting with men. I would say that there is some belief that’s resonating that you need to stop creating. I call that discreating and dismeaning to stop creating. You need to stop creating those unconscious beliefs. Going back to the dating platform, it’s a perfect place to begin that process. You go on dates, you hit a couple of roadblocks, you go home, less about what he did, more about what came up for you. Follow that to its source and figure out where that source is from and you get back out there and see if you can continue to adjust the way you’re showing up your behavior. You start to question your belief systems because they’re the reason you’re experiencing this disconnect.

If this is work that you’re resonating with, and the message that I’m sharing with you, I would be honored to work with you. Help you work through these limiting beliefs while you’re going through the dating process or work on your inner journey into yourself before you get into the dating platform. There are two ways that you can go about it. It’s such an honor for me to work with the most amazing and empowered women that maybe everything else in life has gone well for them. They’re successful in their careers but they’re not connecting in their love life. Those are the women that I love to work with. If that resonates with you, private message me on Facebook so that we can be in touch and jump on the phone for a quick chat to see if we’re a fit to work together. Ladies, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate those of you who showed up. I hope this was helpful and I’ll talk to you again and we’ll connect. If you have any topics you’d like me to teach around, please let me know through an email and I’ll set that. Also, if there are any experiences that you have that you want to share with me, that you need some insights, I also cover those insights as well. I’m sending you all lots and lots of love.

Important Links:

  • Match
  • Knot.com
  • Facebook – Jaki Sabourin
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Categories : Episodes
Tags : belief system, dating, limiting beliefs, relationships, unconscious beliefs, vision
EAA 15 | First Move

Make HIM Make the First Move

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· July 30, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 15 | First Move

 

A study shows that 92% of men want women to make a signal and let them know that they’re interested in them. Sometimes, doing that takes guts; it’s just not easy to do. At the same time, you would not want to pass up the chance, especially if you have someone you are really interested in. Muster up your courage and take charge of what you want. Jaki wants you to take note of six tips that will help you make him make the first move.

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Watch the episode here:

Make HIM Make the First Move

I want to give you six tips on how to make him make the first move because I want you to signify interest in someone and I know that takes guts. There’s so much reward to be had in it if you can do it. Beyond the obvious is in getting into a potential relationship, you could walk away having learned something about yourself. When you take more risk in life, the bigger the risk, the bigger the game and you don’t have anything to lose and men are up for this. A study showed that 92% of men what women to signal them or approach them and let them know that they’re interested in them. I want you to take note of these six tips that are going to help you to make him make the first move.

The first tip is to be confident and use that five-second smile. I know this is hard for a lot of you ladies, but it works. I want you to know that it’s not desperate. It’s only desperate if you feel desperate. Focus on the part of you that is confident and knowing that what you want is what you’re going to get. You have to go after what you want. That five-second smile gives him an opportunity to recognize and realize you’re interested in being approached by him. I know it’s challenging, but you have to sit there and notice a man that you’re interested in and when you see him, just give him that smile and sit there and do that. I know it’s uncomfortable while you’re doing it, but you hold that smile and he will either do one of several things.

The bigger the risk, the bigger the game. Click To Tweet

He will either approach you because you gave him the signal. You are letting him know that you’re approachable with that beautiful smile. It’s confident and it lets him know you’re interested in him or he won’t approach you, which means maybe he’s in a relationship. He’s occupied or he’s not interested. It doesn’t matter. You got a lot of information in those five seconds and that’s what you need to stop wasting your precious time. That’s why this is such a valuable tool. Be confident and give that five-second smile and practice it in the mirror. Practice is the key to creation. It’s a key to getting anything you want and it’s the key to getting out of your comfort zone. Make sure you use it. Tip number one is being confident and smile.

Tip number two is I want you to be slightly touchy-feely. What I mean by this is whether you’re trying to get his phone number at the bar or he’s getting yours, you can give him a strong signal and get him to ask you out by touching him. What I suggest is touching his forearm, putting your hand on his hand or on his shoulder. You reach over and you’re saying, “It’s nice to meet you.” Making that physical contact is a subtle form of letting him know that you’re interested in him asking you out. You want to give him these obvious signs to help him to ask you out. Men are just as nervous as you are. As long as you hold back, they’re feeling you’re not interested. Sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone and take these tips and start to apply them so that you can cut down on the time that you’re single. That’s the whole reason why you’re reading this, to begin with. You’re tired of being single. I want you to like, share and comment on my videos if you’re finding value in them so that other people can find me, because I know I’m helping a lot of women. I want to help everybody get engaged at any age.

I’m going to share with you tip number three, ask for what you want. I know that it’s hard to ask for what you want and it sounds easier said than done. You can simply ask for what you want and you won’t believe how well this goes over. It can sound something like this. Maybe you’re out with your friends and you’re all decided to move on to a new location. All you have to do is say, “We’re going over to the Hard Rock, why don’t you join us?” or “We’re going over to the Hard Rock, why don’t you come?” or, “We’re going over to the Hard Rock, you should join us. You should come.” It’s casual. “You should join us. It’s going to be great. We’ll see you there. We’re heading over there now,” and then you delete. If he shows up, he’s interested. If he doesn’t, it’s no big deal. It’s like you’re reaching out as a friend and checking in to see if he’s interested or not. It sends the right message and that’s the important thing.

You want to send these signals and these messages using these tips, so he gets the signal to ask you out so that you don’t have to be that one that’s pursuing. When you do this, you’re going to expect him to run with the ball and set up the date. You’re not going to set the date up. Let’s say for example, if he does come over because you say, “We’re heading over to the Hard Rock. You should come,” and he comes over there. It’s going to be up to him to ask you out and to pursue it. Maybe you’re listening to music at someplace and there’s a party or something and he’s like, “I love this band. It’s one of my favorite bands.” If you heard that they were coming to San Diego, you can say, “They’re coming to San Diego. We should go sometime.” Just like that. It’s casual, like it fell out of your mouth. You’re not pursuing him. You’re excited. You’re following something that he’s passionate about and you’re making a suggestion. You’re not hitting on him or asking him out. You’re saying, “We should go.” It’s like a figure a speech and then he, at that point, needs to take the hint, pick up the hanky and ask you out. If he doesn’t, that’s okay. You took a risk and you’ve got information from it.

That’s why it’s important to take these risks. Don’t be afraid to feel like you’re getting rejected. It’s a redirection and you have to put yourself out there. As I said, 92% of men want to be approached by women or are okay with being approached by women and encourage it. They’re nervous too and they want a clear signal from you that it’s safe to approach you and it’s safe to ask you out. You’re going to say yes. This is setting it up to help them ask you out. You are helping them by following these tips. Here’s tip number four. This one works and I love this. Let him help you with something. This could be something like if you’re at a bar and he offers to pull out your chair. Say, “Thank you.” Don’t say, “No, I got it,” because that’s an automatic response for a lot of women. They’re like, “No, I got this,” but you’re like, “You don’t get it. You want him to get it.” You’re like, “Thank you so much.” Maybe you’re coming up to the bar and not everything’s in a bar. It could be a Starbucks or anything and you’re standing in line and your hands are full. You could turn to the guy next to you and say, “Would you mind holding this for me for a minute?” He’s going to hold it.

EAA 15 | First Move

First Move: Don’t be afraid to feel like you’re getting rejected. It’s just a redirection towards something better.

 

Give them your briefcase, ask him to hold it. Ask him to hold a shopping bag. Ask him, “Excuse me, can you hand me that please? I can’t reach that,” or, “Would you do this for me?” or, “Would you mind getting the bartender’s attention?” Ask for help. Men respond well to this because they do. They want to help you and you’re giving him an opportunity to do so. That means that he is already setting up to be in that position of being there for you. You’re teeing that up. You could also do something like asking him to look up something on your phone. Maybe you guys are talking and all of a sudden you’re going to leave to the next place. You’re there with your friends or wherever you are. It could be a party. It could be a friend’s. It could be a Starbucks. He has his phone and you don’t have yours. You could say, “Excuse me, would you mind looking something up for me? I’m getting ready to head down to this restaurant, Catania, and I’ve never been there. Do you know where it is or could you give me directions or look at those up on your phone for me?” Then smile. He’s going to look it up on his phone for you and he’s going to talk to you.

You’re going to strike up a conversation and that’s segueing into him possibly asking you out. You’re teeing it up. You’re letting him know you’re interested and you’re open and that’s a big thing. Tip number five and this one’s fun, linger around. Hang out. I did this myself. I’m going to share with you a story that I used the linger tip and it works. Use your time wisely, especially if you see someone that you’re interested in. You want to be subtle about it, but he will notice that you’re lingering and he will take that as a signal if he’s interested in you. The best approach to that is your proximity to him. You want to make sure you’re standing near him or if there’s a group of people you at least are positioning yourself so that you’re closer to him than the other people there so that he gets the sense, the vibe, the feeling that you’re interested in him. That’s the point of it. You linger near him.

My story is I went to a coffee shop. I rode there on my bike. I parked my bike and I was lingering right there at the entrance of the coffee shop. It was outdoor seating and I had gone in and got a cup of coffee and came back. I was lingering because there’s no place to sit. I was hanging out. I had my coffee. I was not on my phone. I was drinking my coffee, listening to the conversation, looking around, smiling to myself and acting happy. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. I was happy, but it was definitely awkward and I was nervous. I was playing the role of being happy at that moment. In other words, I was projecting happiness outwards. I was smiling and admiring the birds. There were birds in the tree and I was listening to that. I was appreciating life and putting the vibe out there that I was approachable.

There was a guy sitting at a table and he called over to me and said, “Excuse me, would you like to join me?” I’m like, “That would be great.” I sat down and we end up having a conversation, which led to a date. He asked me out, but I did linger. The lingering helps. If you’re in a club, you’re in a bar, you’re in a restaurant or you’re in the lobby or someplace, linger. Stand outside of the elevator and linger with him. Talk to him for a moment. Give him an opportunity to put it together that you were interested in him. That’s why you need to linger. I’m going to give you a final tip. Here’s the way that you can get him alone. Getting him alone is going to send the signal to him that you’re interested in him and have him ask you out. Maybe you are in a room together with a bunch of people. First of all, what you can do is you can draw him away to the side and you can say, “Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” He’ll step aside or away from the group while you engage him in something. You could ask him something about the area. You can ask something that’s relevant to the conversation.

Stop buying into society's restrictions about who should ask who out. Click To Tweet

You can ask them something about a friend, “I know my friend’s birthday’s coming up and I want to surprise them. Do you have any ideas about a gift?” Make sure you have an idea of what you’re going to ask him when you draw him away. You could simply say, “Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?” Then he turns away from the group. At that point, you’re making a more intimate connection with him. You’re creating a little bond, which is a great place to go. From that point, he is in a position to definitely ask you out because you made this little connection. You’re on this friendship level, which could easily dovetail into a relationship. I wanted to say that a lot of these tips will help you materialize an opportunity to go on a date. You have to put yourself out there. You have to learn these tips because they will help when you’re out in real life. That’s where it’s all happening. You’re out there and you’re not all online dating. You’re out in real life. When you get out there, you clam up and you freeze up or you run away and you don’t know what to do.

I know that these tips will help you if you follow them and practice them. I also want you to know is to stop buying into society’s restrictions about who should ask who out. I know that I talk a lot about masculine and feminine energy. When we look at where we are now in our society and what the studies are showing is that men are completely okay with being approached, my husband included. I talked to him about it. Before we got married, he was approached by women. He said he was relieved because it let him know at least they were interested and if he approached them, he wasn’t going to get shut down. These six tips are a more subtle form of tips. You’re not outright asking them out, but you’re giving them strong, clear signals that you’re interested in continuing a deeper discussion or a date or something that might lead to a relationship.

 

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : Asking Out, Attraction, First Move, Interest, relationships
EAA 13 | Dating

I Met My Husband On Match.com

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· July 23, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 13 | Dating

 

As the world becomes even more connected, thanks to technology, we get to meet people from a variety of ways – be that on the street, inside a restaurant, and even online. Jaki invites her husband, Michael, as they talk about meeting for the first time and knowing that something clicked for them. Sharing their beautiful encounter, they recall finding about each other on Match and the anxiety of first dates. Jaki also gets Michael’s perspective on how men think about meeting a woman for the first time and what stands out for them. They then talk about the multiple sides of dating, from paying the bill to showing who you are.
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Watch the episode here:

I Met My Husband On Match.com

We’re taking a deep dive into loving the single life, mastering dating, and attracting the one. I am featuring my soul mate husband, Michael Sabourin. Michael, thanks for being here and welcome.

Hello to everyone that is going to take the time to read this. It’s my pleasure to offer insights into my experiences and hopefully, you’ll be able to find your soul mate as well.

Thank you so much for being here, ladies. I was excited to introduce Michael to you because I know a lot of women ask me about Michael and my experience in meeting him. They want to hear from him about his online dating experience because we met on Match and we’ve been together for a few years. This is the man who said to me when I met him, “I’m never getting married again.” Michael, will you give the ladies a little history and your background? Share with them a little bit about you.

I graduated from college with a degree in business. For many years, I have been working in the business environment in a few different industries. I’ve been working as a developer and a home builder. I have also been married previously and I have two wonderful children who are 24 and 27 years old. I’m proud of both of them.

The ladies that are in my community, I surveyed them. I asked them what they wanted me to ask you and the first couple of questions came up. They wanted to hear from you on how did you know that I was the one? What made you fall in love with me? What was the difference between me and the other women that you dated? If you can talk a little bit about that, that’d be great.

That has a lot of different doors to open. The first time I saw your profile on Match, I remember it vividly. I was sitting at home on a Friday evening. I work late. I was scrolling through Match and I saw your photo and I thought, “What a beautiful woman.” I read your profile and I thought, “She has an even more beautiful heart,” and that drew me to you immediately. I sent an email on Friday night and on Saturday, you responded back to me. I responded back and said, “I would like to have a phone conversation if you’re up for it.” You replied back, “Yes.” I was with my son Saturday and Sunday, I remember well because it was Father’s Day on Sunday and I said, “I would be unavailable for the day.”

After my son and I had spent the day experiencing all the wonderful things we love to do together, that I would be more than happy to get on a phone call. We got on a phone call that night and it was a wonderful conversation. I remember thinking that, “We share a lot of the same values.” That was important to me. We arranged to meet the next night. We met at one of our favorite restaurants in La Jolla. I can remember watching you walk down the sidewalk into the restaurant and what a wonderful feeling I had when you walked in that door.

For me, I remember walking down that sidewalk and wanting to run the other way. I was nervous. First dates are nerve-wracking. This was another first date experience. I had this fear come up in me. If you’ve been on many first dates or maybe it’s your first one, you haven’t been dating in a while. It’s scary to go on a first date. The impulse to run or to get out of there, to not show yourself, be vulnerable and be authentic, it’s intense. I overcame it. I kept going and I’m glad I did. I’m glad I didn’t run. I walked into that restaurant and looked Michael right in the eye, smiling at him. He was such a gentleman the entire evening. He stood up when I approached and helped pulled my chair out for me. We proceeded to have a nice evening together. I’m glad I showed up for that date and here we are.

I remember that evening well. I could sense that nervousness about you. My thought was, “I need to do whatever I can do to make her feel relaxed and comfortable.” I was myself. I was calm. I used my normal personality, wit, and humor. It wasn’t long until we were both very relaxed and in a conversation and a dialogue. From that moment on, I had this nervous energy about me but it was a positive, nervous energy. It was excitement. It was a rejuvenated sense about being with somebody that I thought I could get along with and form a relationship with.

You got all of that from a first date. Do you feel that men can tell? They get a sense for a woman on the first date and can make some assumptions about whether or not they see a future with her or not.

I thought so from the day that I saw you on Match, then on our phone conversation, then in our meeting at the restaurant. What I found was you were always consistent. I found that we shared values. We learned about each other, that we shared a lot of the same interests and that helped in me thinking, “This could be a long-term relationship and the finding of a soul mate.” One thing that I found that happened to me is I constantly thought of you. Whether I was at work, whether I was at home or whatever I was doing, I was thinking of you and of the possibilities.

Do you still think of me all the time?

I do because I text you throughout the day. As the largest privately held builder in San Diego, I am a very busy person, but I always think of you. I take the time to text you and call you every day. It’s important to me and for you.

That’s one of the things I love about you and I appreciate those texts you send me that say, “I’m thinking of you.” What are some of the other qualities? Do you remember any of the experiences that we had in the first couple of dates that stood out to you? The women that are reading this are trying to get a feel for how important it is to use the skills and strategies that all the experts are talking about on this summit. How important they are and how they can convert into a relationship if you apply those on the first couple of dates and interactions in your profile.

I’ll summarize it first and then I’ll tell you some details. You were fun and you’re easy. We are easy.

We have a sense of humor, ladies. You have to know that about us. You have to have a sense of humor in this process, otherwise, it’s too hard. You have to bring some levity to it.

When we don't use boundaries, we feel uncomfortable. Click To Tweet

Yes, you are. I found that being with you was easy. I remember that when we went out on our second date, we had sat down at the table in a nice restaurant in La Jolla. We had ordered a bottle of wine. The wine steward had poured the wine and as we were making a toast to our second date, I started to drink and I had a mouthful of wine. You said, “I decided to give you a second chance.” As you said that, I looked at you and I had a mouthful of wine. It struck me as funny and I spewed an entire mouthful of red wine on your white outfit.

It happened. He totally did that. You can imagine how shocked I was on a second date to have that. I had red wine dripping off my eyelashes.

It was something. I felt sorry and apologetic, but you let it run off your shoulders. I was surprised that you didn’t get upset. You didn’t yell. You didn’t leave. You said, “It’s not a problem,” and I remember the waiter saw it. When he saw it, he was like, “I can’t believe this happened.” He ran over with soda water. You took it. You went to the restroom, dabbed yourself out. You came back and we had a wonderful dinner. That’s one of the things that I immediately registered in my mind. It didn’t take long to realize how sweet you are. It came through clear. You are compassionate and I could feel that. One of the things I liked is that you communicated well. You are the best communicator I have ever met. You tell me what you want. You tell me what you need. You’re open about it in such a loving and sensitive way. You’re the best. I can’t say more.

I liked that you said, “In a sensitive way.” What happens with women is that we do have needs and wants and desires, but we have a hard time articulating those things to the men. A lot of times we don’t say anything and then we start to resent them. We’re not being able to read our mind or we will attempt to share what we want, but in that process use the wrong tone or present it in a more abrasive way which will alienate a man. It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it and always approaching everything with a feather and not hammering it in but inviting him to want to please you by approaching it in a soft way. I know that if I approach you from that way, anybody is more than happy to help. When you’re coming at somebody aggressively or too direct, sometimes people tend to back up and close down, especially with men. That might come from experiences or from not wanting to hurt women that men shut down. I don’t know if you had that experience, but that could be pretty common.

One of the things that I admired about you is that you taught me. I’ve been in business a long time, but this is not just in business. This is in personal life. I saw that you had boundaries and I was impressed with the way that you do that. You do that in your daily life. Let me give you an example of what was eye-opening for me. You and I were dating. It was early. We went to a restaurant. We had run into friends of mine and they were friends of mine for a long time. We spoke for a couple minutes and you and I were having a nice evening catching up with each other after work. Out of the blue, this person reached across and said, “Michael, how is Leslie?” It happens to be my ex-wife. I looked at her and I was stunned that she would say that and I’m with Jaki.

Jaki didn’t even hesitate. She leaned over in front of me and said, “Excuse me, that’s inappropriate. We’re not going to discuss that tonight.” This person sat back and realized that was out of line, that was inappropriate, and it didn’t go anywhere else. That’s only one example but she is so good about setting boundaries at every level. She does it in a compassionate, loving, and sensitive way. She doesn’t get in your face. She doesn’t yell. She doesn’t raise her voice. She just says the right thing. That’s what I love about her and I’ve learned to do and be better myself because I’m not as good as Jaki is.

I don’t know. I might disagree with you but certainly having boundaries is such an important part about relationships because boundaries help us to feel safe. When we don’t use boundaries, we feel uncomfortable. If I had not had the courage to say what I said in a way that woman could receive it, then I would have had to sit there and listen to perhaps them discuss something that would make me uncomfortable. If Michael didn’t have boundaries, he might have felt obligated to share something with the woman, even though it was an inappropriate question because he wanted to be nice. He wanted to be polite.

Boundaries in dating go hand-in-hand. You have to have clear boundaries in dating, but in life especially because they make you feel safe. They give the relationship structure and we need that so we can relax. I know that you’re going to hear a lot about boundaries on this summit and that’s a great example. I’m glad that you remember that and are sharing it with the ladies. Let’s move on to talking about dating. I would love for you to share your experience online. I know you were online looking for me and it took you as long as it took you. Tell us a little bit about your experience, what you went through, and what it was like dating. The things that you saw that women did that would support them and be able to apply something that could make a difference in how they’re showing up.

EAA 13 | Dating

Dating: When you constantly think about a person, that’s where all the possibilities come out.

 

I was on Match and for some reason I thought, “I’m not going to put my photos up there. I’m not going to put my profile out there. I’m going to go out and see what happens.” Nothing happened. I finally said, “I’m going to put my photos out there and I’m going to put my profile.” It’s important to make sure you put a profile that is truthful, honest, and realistic about whom you are. I put the profile out there and all of the sudden I was getting all kinds of contacts and dates. I don’t know how many dates I had, but I had 40 to 50. It was a wonderful experience. I never met someone that I didn’t enjoy, but I had no connection with. It was important for me to get out there and put that profile out there. For me, as busy as I am, it was the best way to meet people or meet women. That’s what I was looking for. I was happy when I finally put my profile and everything out online.

You launched your profile. You started the dating process. You went on many dates. Tell me what that was like? Did you feel you improved over time and the beginning it was awkward? How was it for the women? How often did you see them? Did you have any structure around how you were conducting yourself? Was it always dinner? Tell us a little bit about that?

Me personally, and I don’t know how it is for others, but I always invited the woman to have a drink. We met at a nice restaurant bar, very well-known and showed up no matter what. I knew there was a connection or not within a minute or two and it didn’t matter to me. I thought, “I invited this person out for a drink. I’m going to have dinner tonight as well. I might as well have dinner with them,” and I got to know them a little bit. I bought dinner for them and bought drinks. In some cases, I let them know at that point, “I don’t think this is a relationship that’s going to go anywhere.” Sometimes it happened in an email later, but I never had a second date with anyone that I didn’t think I had a good future with. Jaki was the only one over the course of years.

Let’s go back to the check. Without making any assumptions about paying, but where do you stand with that? How did you feel about the dates going on and what was your position on who pays for the check?

In my opinion, if the man doesn’t offer to pay for the check, you have a big red flag. You need to look for that. Don’t ever offer to pay for the check, period. I don’t care if you sit there for ten minutes and stare at each other. Don’t offer to pay for that check. I don’t feel that a woman can’t ask a man out for a drink or a date, but a first red sign if he’s not willing to pay for that. It’s drinks and dinner. I feel strongly about you as a woman not offering and not paying for that first date drink and dinner.

Why do you feel that way? Why do you feel appropriate that you should pay? Where does that come from?

It’s a real sign of what that man is all about. If he’s not willing to pick up the tab, there are signs of his character already. It tells me he’s not a man’s man. I work in a high-profile industry and have friends and business associates at every level. There is not a man that I respect that would not offer to pick that check up. Please, don’t do it.

That’s solid advice. Sit on your hand, ladies. Listen to Michael. You’re worth it and be open to receiving and being interested and curious about what this man in front of you is offering because that’s going to give you a lot of insight into what’s next. If you’re getting the invitation, he’s asking you out, make the assumption that he’s going to take care of it. Here’s my recommendation if he doesn’t. In case this happens to you, so you’ll know what to do. If the check comes and he doesn’t make a move for it and/or he asks you, “Do you want to split it?” What I recommend doing at that point, being graceful about it and acting a little surprised.

A man that's interested in you is not going to push you or run away just because you don't have sex after the first couple of dates. Click To Tweet

I want you to receive it gracefully and be like, “Sure.” You can hesitate a little bit. Let him know that you weren’t expecting it, but I would definitely go ahead and split it. That’s why I always encourage you to do a coffee or wine. If that’s the approach of the man, then you’re not out for half of the dinner. That does happen. It’s happened to me once. It might happen to you. Go ahead and be graceful and I wouldn’t recommend going out with him again if you want the man to assume that masculine position. Is there anything you recommend that the ladies don’t do on dates or maybe that the women should be doing? What’s the biggest tip you’ll give them that women should be doing?

There are many of them. I’ll try and cover a couple. The do’s you should do, you need to smile and be fun. I’m going to focus on the smile a little bit. This isn’t just about dating. This is about your entire life. If you want to be recognized, if you want to climb in life, you need to smile. You need to smile wherever you are. You need to make it authentic. You need to make it a part of who you are. You need to let people know you’re happy, you’re friendly. You need to know that they can approach you. Smiling is the biggest asset you can ever have. I do it not because I think, “I need to get something.” When I walk down the street, I walk straight and tall. I have my head up and my eyes are open. I look at people that I’m approaching and I give them a smile. You will not believe the number of people and the friends I have made just by smiling in my office building.

I can’t tell you how many people, especially women who have come up to me and said, “I see you at Starbucks all the time,” and I’ll be in a completely different part of town. I oftentimes don’t even recognize them, but they recognize me because I smile and make their day. Always do that because remember this, whether you’re at a party and hoping to meet somebody there or at any occasion, men are looking at you, no matter where you are. You may not even see them, but they can see if you’re smiling, engaging, and they will make a judgment about you from afar. Remember that. You need to show that you’re a happy and fun person. That’s a critical one. Have a sense of humor. Be conversational. Don’t talk, talk, talk. You want to make sure that you’re having a dialogue with somebody on a date. Have a personality, but make sure it’s your personality and be truthful with who you are. Be yourself.

I like that you said be yourself because sometimes what happens is we get nervous and we are being cautious or we’re wanting to be perceived a certain way. The best way to be perceived as an authentic real person and that would include admitting that, “I’m feeling a little nervous on this date. I’m sorry I’m running late. I was having a bad hair day. I’m sorry I couldn’t find parking,” or whatever. Be okay with where you are and who you are in life because that’s going to be received well.

A few of the don’ts is don’t pay. Please don’t do it. You are showing a negative side, in my opinion. I wouldn’t respect a woman that would pay. I don’t think you should and you shouldn’t respect a man that would think that you should be paying. Other attributes, don’t be negative. Don’t be complaining. Don’t be pushy if you’re starting to date somebody. Don’t be controlling if you’re dating for the second, third or fourth time. Insecurity can come out in a lot of different ways. Don’t try to be insecure. Be confident. Be positive.

This may sound obvious to you, but don’t have sex too soon and that’s important. You don’t want to have sex on your first and second date. You don’t know the man well enough. You don’t know his intentions well enough, so don’t do that. Believe it or not, a man that’s interested in you is not going to push you or run away because you don’t have sex after the first couple of dates. He may do you the best thing ever and run away after you don’t and you learn he was not interested in a long-term commitment. He just wanted to have sex. That’s critical.

That’s where the boundaries come in. Be truthful to what it is that you want to attract. If you’re reading this and you wanted a committed relationship, a man is not expecting you to sleep with him. He wants to get to know you as well. Men want to have sex, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to pressure you. If a man is looking for a long-term relationship, he wants to get to know you as well. Would you agree with that?

I wanted to have sex with you from the moment I saw you, I’ll be honest. We didn’t. I took that pressure home. There’s one other thing. Don’t send nude photos of yourself. I say that because I definitely had that experience on quite a few occasions.

EAA 13 | Dating

Dating: If the man doesn’t offer to pay for the check, you have a big red flag.

 

Don’t send pictures that are inappropriate. Keep everything as vanilla as possible until you know what that man’s real intentions are.

This one’s a difficult one but learn to be nonjudgmental. The most nonjudgmental person I know is Jaki. I have learned much from her on how to be more understanding of people. People, especially men on a first date, second date, they will read and realize and determine that you’re being judgmental in a certain way by just what you say, your tone, and your mannerisms. Keep things fun, uplifting, and positive as you get to know the person that you’re dating. You will date them much longer. It may not work out in the long run, but you will make a lot more progress.

Michael said to me about a month into dating, we’d gotten to maybe ten dates, maybe more, maybe less. The point is that we went to a nice restaurant and I don’t remember the exact conversation, but something came up. We were on this topic and he blurts out and he said, “I’m never getting married again.” Do you remember that?

I know right where we were as well.

What did I say when you said that?

I remember saying that to you and you said, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to marry you,” and I thought, “This is great. I’m home free.” Now, look at me. Here I am, married to the most beautiful woman in the world.

What happened for me was when he threw that brick at me, I call it throwing an emotional brick, a lot of women would get up and want to run, shut down the date, and become judgmental. I knew that was coming from fear because everything that Michael had done up to that point, all of his actions had been very supporting of wanting committed relationships. We even discussed it in the beginning. We established that was what we both were interested in. We didn’t know if it was with each other, but we were at least on the same page. Everything that he’d done up to that moment had led me to believe that he was commitment-minded, that he liked a lot about being married, and I could see him married again.

I knew that whatever we had been discussing or something had triggered him and he was having some fears come up. I was able to handle that at the moment with a little humor, but inside I was very disappointed that he said that because it did rock my world a little bit. I handled it with some ease and grace and looked at the overall picture. I wasn’t trying to change Michael. It’s that some things weren’t lining up. We’re married and he came to the realization that he did want that. It’s all about actions. It’s what a man is saying and doing, so you’re watching for that congruency in everything a man says and everything he does if they’re in alignment. I’m not saying don’t listen to a man when he says I’m not going to get married because he might be telling you the truth. In this case, I thought it was a little out of alignment.

When a man is using words and telling you he's going to do something, make sure that there is action behind the words. Click To Tweet

When a man is using words and is telling you he’s going to do something, you need to make sure he follows through and that there is action behind the words. Men will say whatever they think they need to say to get rid of the issue, get rid of the subject. If he says he’s going to do something, he better follow-up. That’s a real good man. If they aren’t following up with what they say they’re going to do, then it’s another red flag.

That’s such sage advice. It’s all about the actions and a man might say something but if he’s not doing it, then there’s definitely something you need to be paying attention to. We could go on and on and keep talking. There’s so much that we can share with the ladies. I want to thank you so much for your time and for the beautiful life that we share together. For you being such a man of integrity, a man of your word, and someone I admire and look up to. I love sharing my life with you and I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate everything that you do for me. Being here to share with the ladies and us modeling for the women that are reading what it looks like and sounds like to have a highly functional, successful, and mature love relationship. Thank you, Michael, for being here. I appreciate your time.

EAA 13 | Dating

Dating: Be truthful to what it is that you want to attract.

 

Likewise, I love you. It’s a great relationship and I hear people say, “Marriage and relationships are so much work.” If you do it right, it’s pretty easy. There are always little things here and there, but it’s pretty easy between Jaki and me. We love and respect each other.

Ladies, you heard it from Michael. Keep going. Take those risks. Never give up on love. Thank you again for being a part of this and I look forward to connecting with you as this unfolds.

I love you.

I have one more thing I want to share. We wanted to say one more thing as we were sitting side by side that we want to encourage you to not give up, no matter how long it takes. It might take two years, five years or ten years. You can never give up because love is at the end of it and it will be so worthwhile. You’ll forget about all the dating blues and all the challenges you had. You’ll be a better person for it and then you’ll have love in your life.

Listen to Jaki. Follow her advice. Take more risks. Get out there and do it. The most important thing is you have to do the work. Never give up on love.

Thank you for being here.

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : Authenticity, Boundaries, dating, Marriage, Match.com, Paying

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· July 16, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 12 | Fastest Way To Turn Men Off

 

A man cannot hold you as the center of his attention indefinitely. In fact, nobody can. In relationships, we tend to find ourselves asking for constant attention from our partner. However, this could pose a lot of major setbacks in your relationship. Without noticing it, you may end up giving over your significance to how he approves and accepts you. This could turn a man off way faster than you would think. Save yourself and your relationship from falling into this mess as Jaki reveals the fastest way to turn men off so you break the cycle.

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Watch the episode here:

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off!

I wanted to talk to you about the fastest way to turn a man off. It’s probably not what you think but I like to go deep. This is going to be a little bit of a deeper topic. What is the fastest way that we turn men off? I’ll give it to you straight right up front. When we turn the keys of your significance over in dating and relationships, you turn a man off. In other words, it’s that whole thing, “If he likes me, then I like me.” What happens when you turn the keys to your significance over to a man, you’re going to turn them off before you turn them on. A man cannot hold you as the center of his attention indefinitely. It’s impossible. Nobody can. What happens is we start to crave approval and acceptance from a man. When we do that, we are avoiding intimacy with him instead of creating more intimacy. You may not realize this, but your need for winning approval and acceptance of a man plays a large role in how you have given your power away to them.

Parental Figure

This is how we give our power away. It also can make you feel you’re being controlled by them, but they’re not controlling you at all. It’s your own need for their approval and acceptance that’s controlling you. When we do that, when we give over the keys to our significance to a man and crave his approval and acceptance, we turn ourselves into powerless subjects. We subject ourselves to, “Whether he likes me or he doesn’t like me.” That can feel bad, especially when you’re dating. One of the biggest tendencies that arise when you’re in the dating process and in relationships is to unconsciously turn the man that we’re dating or in a relationship with into a parental figure. It may be that your father wasn’t there when you were growing up and you’re unconsciously always looking to find that connection to replace that relationship. What we do is we unconsciously bring our unresolved childhood issues to the dating process. This is common. I’ve been there. I’ve done it myself. We’re looking for this form of approval and acceptance.

Consequently, what happens is we end up feeling controlled by them. What happens is we get confused and wonder why this affects us deeply. It’s like when a man doesn’t call you back. It’s interpreted as signs that he’s not approving of you. You feel all this rejection. All that rejection alters your mood. It can affect your feeling of self-worth too. You can get on this emotional rollercoaster and feel manipulated by men. It can hurt you to the core, especially when a man doesn’t call you back and that doesn’t feel good. We’re hoping unconsciously that they’re going to approve of us. “If he likes me, then I like me.” The worst-case scenario ends up happening is that we resent the people that we share our lives with that don’t give us the approval that we want. That weakens our relationships and it destroys a lot of relationships. What happens is we fail to realize that it’s not them, it’s our own need. It’s our own need for approval that is controlling us. We’re going to go on repeating this pattern over and over again in a relationship until we resolve it, until we resolve these unresolved childhood issues. Even if you do attract a man, it could cause problems for you.

When we give over the keys to our significance to a man and crave his approval and acceptance, we turn ourselves into powerless subjects. Click To Tweet

A man cannot hold you as the object of his attention indefinitely. I don’t expect Michael to hold me as that object 24/7. It’s not possible. In the beginning, when you’re dating, things are exciting and it’s easy to focus a lot of your time. Eventually, there needs to be an ebb and flow and you have to get back to your life. When that’s withdrawn, when that shift happens, it can make women feel insecure, especially if you’re dating and he goes on a trip and he withdraws his attention to you. It can cause you to go through that mood swing because you didn’t realize it, but unconsciously, you were looking for some approval that makes you feel worthy and worthwhile. You have to break the cycle. It’s a vicious cycle to be in and you have to break it. You have to step back from the immediate situation and recognize that this is a pattern that you carry from your childhood. If you think about, as children, we want to survive. We need to survive and it’s a coping mechanism. It’s a survival mechanism to want love and approval from our parents or our caretakers. We expect it. We need it to survive.

This goes on and carries over into our adult life, but we never take a moment to recognize that our real approval and recognition and acceptance has to come from our adult self, not that childish part of us. We have to stop confusing other people’s acceptance and approval of us as love. They’re doing the same thing, looking for approval also. You have to take back your power. I visualize it like having this cord that’s coming out of your heart in the dating process. Unconsciously, you’re trying to plug it into different people in your life. The men you’re dating or your friends because you’re looking for them to validate you, give value to you and give you approval. It never works because they’re struggling to find their own approval. You want to take that cord that’s coming out of your heart trying to plug into them and plug it into your belly button.

You’ve got to power back up because as long as that cord’s swinging around, it’s leaking energy and you’re giving up your power and you become disempowered in the dating process. That would explain these highs and lows you get on that are dysfunctional and that caused you to want to quit dating. You want to pull back, shoot down your heart and then blame them for having the audacity to hurt you. In reality, it was you all along. I know that might sound a little harsh but I always want to empower all of you because you hold the keys to your happiness, to your love, to your worth, to your value. If you can recognize that, that is the first step in healing. Healing accompanies awareness and you have this awareness. Hopefully, that will be a catalyst to start to recognize when you go into that looking for approval, just plug that cord back into yourself.

EAA 12 | Fastest Way To Turn Men Off

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off: You hold the keys to your happiness, your love, your worth, and your value.

Don’t Seek For Approval And Acceptance

To summarize, the fastest way to create emotional intimacy with a man is to not seek his approval or his acceptance. We want to check in and see if we’re a match, if we’re resonating together and if we’re enjoying each other. You’re always holding that approval to yourself because a man finds that confident too. He’s going to be attracted to you when you’re that whole. It’s integrating into being a solid, emotionally-mature, highly-functional woman. You can show up with all your power and that’s what’s most interesting with a man. That’s going to be a way that you create more intimacy because he’s going to recognize that you have a high value. You temper that high value with vulnerability and then you’ve got a lot of intimacy there.

When you do seek approval and acceptance, you do turn yourself into a victim because you hand over your power and your significance to him. A man doesn’t want you to hand over your power and your significance to him. He’s going to be attracted to you because you are significant to yourself. You have to start putting yourself first and from that place go into the dating game. Continue to observe men and see who they show up to be in your life. If you stay in your position and don’t try to give up your power, you’ll quickly discover who they are. It will make your dating process a lot easier, a lot more enjoyable and a lot more fun.

Crash And Burn

I do have a comment from one of my subscribers. I’m always asking you to send me your comments and your questions so that I can answer them. I had one of the gals write me and she said, “One of the two things happen when I’m dating, either I never let my guard down or I jump in feet first and crash and burn. There doesn’t seem to be an in between.” After a crash and burn, she says she’ll go a couple years without dating at all. She said she’s 45 and it keeps getting harder and harder to find someone that she’s attracted to. She even is struggling with having a hard time even talking to men. She feels awkward about the awkwardness about talking to men. She also asked if she’s putting out this vibe. I would say you’re putting out a vibe and it goes with what I’m talking about turning over the keys to your significance. Men will lose interest in that quickly. What you’re seeing is you’re handing over your worth to him and he felt comfortable with that. That’s what creates that awkwardness. He bails because he wants a woman who regards herself in a higher way and holds herself in higher regard.

Our real approval, recognition, and acceptance has to come from our adult self, not that childish part of us. Click To Tweet

You’re in this vicious cycle. If you can recognize it, you hold the key to changing that by starting to love and accept yourself. You have to accept yourself for all the so-called mistakes, for all the experiences you’ve ever had. They’re making you the woman that you’re in the process of becoming. Nothing that I’ve ever done in my life has been a mistake. They’ve all been lessons. A lot of them have been painful. Humbling? Absolutely. Without those experiences, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am now. I see this silver lining. The more and more that I accept myself and approve of myself, the better I feel and the safer I feel. The more relaxed I am in my life and the less I care about what other people think of me. Something that you might want to embrace saying is what other people think of me is none of my business. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you. The only person that matters is what you think of you.

If you think you’re amazing and if you think you’re wonderful because you are, then others will too. Not everybody’s going to like you and not everybody’s going to resonate with me. I do what I do and I lob it out there. Hopefully, some of it sticks and some of you are getting some wisdom and gleaning some nuggets that are helping you. Those of you that don’t resonate, that’s okay too. I’m not trying to please everyone. I’m doing what I feel is right by my values, what I’ve experienced and sharing that. Whether or not that’s received, that’s entirely up to the other person. I disconnect from that. That’s how I can do this is not looking for approval. I follow the feeling. It feels good to share what I’m sharing. It feels good to hold my own sense of self-worth. The gal that wrote me that, I recommend that you start to unconditionally love yourself and unconditionally accept yourself and start to practice that. The simple way you can do that, what I do is I put my hand over my heart and I say, “I love you,” and I mean it.

Looking into the mirror is powerful. You say, “I love you,” and you keep saying it over and over again. You’re going to feel a softening inside. You’re going to feel much safer, much more secure and much more understood. You have to show up and be your own best friend. This is not an easy process. You’ve got to be your own best friend and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself what you want someone else to give you and you will feel much better about this dating process. Empower with awareness. Remember that every day, check in with yourself. Give yourself the love that you need and deserve. You deserve to have everything you want out of life. You have to believe that you deserve and you’ll have that. It starts with your belief system, believing that you are even worthy. The more you check in with yourself, connect with yourself in that intimate way by looking in the mirror. Getting close to the mirror and looking right into your eyes and saying, “I love you so much.” The more you do that, the better you feel. It’s very powerful and it’s intimate. You want to become more intimate with yourself because the more comfortable and more intimate you are with yourself, the easier it is for you to go out and date these men that are virtually strangers. Inside there’s calmness. You have to root in yourself a whole lot more.

EAA 12 | Fastest Way To Turn Men Off

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off: A woman that knows her worth knows her value and doesn’t need a man to define her or approve of her.

 

Another visualization I’ll give you and I love this visualization is to imagine yourself as a tree. Imagine your body as having roots that are going all the way down to the center of the earth. They’re wrapping the roots down to the core of the center of the Earth. I like to visualize it that it’s a dense, pink, red vibrating light of energy at the center of the Earth. I visualize my tree trunk shooting all the way down to the center of the Earth. I’m wrapping my roots around Mother Nature and gaining all this beautiful energy from our beautiful planet and pulling that all back up from the center of the Earth. All the way through my feet coming up my legs to the top of my head, then shooting this beautiful beam of white light right out to the top to the central sun. That’s such a powerful visualization. That anchors you between the sun and the center of the Earth. There is so much beautiful energy here on our beautiful planet. Use that energy to empower you to stay grounded and rooted in the be here now, because that’s where your body is and you can use that as your grounding tool.

Busy Energy

I have one more question, “How do you break it? Refocus on our self, staying busy with our lives and validate oneself?” It’s not necessarily so much about staying busy. Staying in that busy energy is avoiding yourself. What you want to do is to validate yourself. Validation means to give value. Give value to your feelings. When you’re feeling a little insecure and little needy, that’s that cord that’s coming out of you that is used to getting external validation from your parents, from people in your life. Constantly redirect that cord back to your belly button and giving yourself what you’re craving from others so that you can feel better faster. You’re not suppressing that. You don’t want to push it down. What happens when you try to push those colorful beach balls that the kids play with at the beach or the water? When they jump on them and they try to push them down, what happens to those beach balls? They pop back up. That’s going to keep popping back up until you finally give yourself what you’re needing, which is your own acceptance and your own approval.

Notice when you’re feeling that vulnerability when you’re feeling a little fragile and then redirect that to yourself. Recognize that you’re the only one who knows you and you’re the only one who will never ever leave you. You will always have you on your side. That’s showing up as your own best friend. I love that because it feels good. When you come from that place that you’re your own best friend, making your needs and wants the priority and not looking for external sources for validation, you feel better faster. Every time you’re doing that, you’re leaking energy. It’s like you’re floating around in a space suit and there are bubbles coming out of your space suit. You’re leaking energy. As soon as you plug that hole, you power back up, you take your power back. That’s what a man is looking for. A woman that knows her worth knows her value and doesn’t need him to define her or approve of her. When you come from that place, then they respect you. They love you. They admire you. That’s something that we all appreciate is that admiration. The admiration comes from the fact that you are taking care of you.

Give yourself what you want someone else to give you. Click To Tweet

I have this saying with my husband, “I’ll take care of me for you if you take care of you for me.” That’s a healthy functional motto that we have in our relationship. We don’t depend on each other emotionally too much. We are two trees standing side by side, not shading each other but two strengths so that we could support each other. That feels so much better because at any given moment during my day, I can take care of my needs. I don’t have to wait until I get home at night to get a need met. I can always go within. Please send me your questions. Anything that’s coming up for you, I won’t use your name if you don’t want me to because I want to help you process and address anything that’s coming up for you to help you move forward so you can get engaged at any age as I did. I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

 

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : Acceptance, Approval, relationships, Self-worth, Turn A Man Off
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