If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a situation and sat back to analyze why you’ve probably realized that fear lies at the heart of the problem, fear can keep us from moving forward with a job, a move, a new idea, and especially a relationship. Fear can also keep us in the wrong situation for far too long!  

 I don’t want you to live in fear any longer because I KNOW that you want to get out there and find the one for you! Yes, it can be scary, but you know what? It can REALLY be fun too!  

Here are 3 fears that can keep you stuck and single (or with the wrong guy)  AND how to get over them!  

1. Fear of vulnerability: To make a heart connection with a man, you must be willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to building a heart-centered connection with a man.  Being vulnerable can be scary, but it also the most rewarding part of a relationship. Remember, you are the heartbeat of a relationship: you have got to open yourself up first.   

What to do: •You can stop trying to control situations with men and stop trying to lead situations with men.  You are responsible for the feelings of the relationship. A masculine man will not be able to open up his feelings until you expose your feelings. When you do this, the right man will honor your feelings and worship your vulnerability.  Love is risky, and being vulnerable is even riskier.   But if you are not vulnerable, you will never experience true love. 

2. Fear of Rejection—This fear is just a way to avoid yourself and try to make another responsible for giving you the love, acceptance, approval, and worth you crave. Or you deny yourself those things because you do not know how to give those things to yourself so that you can hide in rejection. It’s easy, and it’s also lazy.  

What to do: Try thinking of rejection as “re-direction” and give yourself the love and acceptance you need to feel safe enough inside to step out of your comfort zone and take more risks that include men. When you don’t take responsibility for how you feel the only person who rejects you is you.     

3. Fear of Being Hurt—When you fear being hurt, you are unconsciously giving your power to those who have hurt you before and letting them determine FOR you whether you have WORTH after something painful has occurred. The truth is that you NEED to have someone dispense forgiveness, approval, and acceptance to you that is controlling you and keeping you from letting go and moving on.  

What to do: It’s time to empower yourself with this healing paradox:  

It’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to heal.   

When you take the reins of your life back into your own hands, you will discover how amazing you truly are, and when you do that, a man will too!  

Have you ever considered just how important setting strong boundaries is for dating? Sound counterintuitive? After all, we want the men to come CLOSER, right? Well….sort of! 

Boundaries are vital because boundaries – what you will and won’t accept from a relationship – keep you feeling safe and confident in your own values and preferences. THEY MATTER!

When we don’t have any parameters, and instead acquiesce to whatever requests come our way, despite how we might feel, we become uncomfortable and even resentful, right? And is that good for the relationship? No way! It isn’t good for your mental well-being, either, and that is a critical point to remember. 

Remember, men aren’t mind readers. You need to teach them how to treat you, and boundary setting can help. When you have firm, healthy boundaries, you show that you have a strong and healthy self-esteem. Trust me. Men respect women who communicate healthy boundaries early, and often – quality men do not want to date a doormat! 

The key, though, is in HOW you establish those boundaries. Time to get out your “feather,” ladies! You want to gently and consistently present what makes you comfortable as opposed to going on the defensive and withdrawing or acting out when he oversteps his bounds (especially when he may not even realize that he has!). He’ll be much more receptive if things are made clear ahead of time, lovingly and honestly.  

It’s not always just in what you say, but how you say it! 

I want you to take some time and think about where you are with your boundaries – in setting them, communicating them, and reacting when you feel they’ve been violated. Are you forthright or wishy-washy? Do you react viscerally, or do you withdraw? Unless your answers make you feel content and proud, you have some work to do. Future partners will thank you. It’s as much for his sake as it is for yours.

Remember, boundaries give a relationship structure and help you attract and keep the kind of man you want. If you find yourself with a man who doesn’t respect yours after you’ve made them clear, it’s time to move on to someone who does!   

-Jaki Sabourin  

We’ve all been living differently for about three months now, and for many people, spending a lot more time on one’s own can dredge up emotional issues that were long suppressed. Did you experience that? If so, that can be a tough thing to carry as you attempt to date online during this time.

Coronavirus dating is all about a new brand of digital intimacy, and maybe now, a couple of months in, you’re finding that you struggle to make real connections because of all the blocks that have resurfaced! You’re afraid to speak up and speak your truth.

You’re not alone!

There are thousands of people who have turned SO inward in the face of isolation, that they’ve all but forgotten how to meet new people!

But you MUST overcome this and put yourself out there! Learning to tip-toe your way into intimacy and truth with a man even when social restrictions seem to make it difficult, is KEY to manifesting the love you want.

One of the most creative dating profiles I’ve seen lately was 100% real. She wasn’t trying to be anything but herself. It went something like this:

“Empty nest mom quarantined with two crazy dogs in dire need of adult contact (wine) but hesitant to date (because, you know, pandemic death risk). Let me know if you’re interested in getting to know a sassy (sarcastic), and free-spirited (up for pretty much any adventure) professional woman with a penchant for overpriced coffee! P.S. I like my space, and I’ll respect yours too! So, you can rest easy knowing you won’t get any crazy texts from me if it takes you more than ten minutes to reply. We both have lives. 😉  “

I guess that she was BOMBARDED with messages and the good news? She is in charge. She can respond or not! She was honest; she set boundaries. And the same can be true for you.

If you’re too afraid to speak up about your truth and set boundaries, your self-esteem suffers, AND your partner will lose respect for you. What’s worse, you’ll feel doubly betrayed – by yourself for not speaking up, and by your partner for overstepping!  This just leads to a spiral of confusion and hard feelings.  

Another way staying silent can hurt is that it causes many women to distance themselves emotionally. And in this age of social distancing, the emotional bond is more important than ever! This is a time for truth and not settling for anything that doesn’t make you feel fulfilled and happy, because there are enough things in the world that drain you. Staying emotionally connected to a partner can help get you through the tough days.

And think about it- it’s never been easier to protect yourself! You are separated by a computer screen and possibly thousands of miles and new social distancing regulations. If you’re not vibing with someone, just cut ties and move on! The silver lining of this pandemic is that you have more space than ever to really zero in on what you want and release the rest without fear of awkward in-person run-ins!

Usually, not being able to find and use your voice springs from one thing -FEAR. Fear of rejection, fear of being seen, fear of not being good enough…they can all render you speechless (believe me, I have been there). But being fear driven is no way to live and love. It isn’t until you can overcome that fear that you’ll truly be able to present your authentic self and use your voice to the utmost.

What fears are you struggling with most right now? I’m sure you’re not alone. Let’s get a discussion going in the comments!

-Jaki Sabourin