A man cannot hold you as the center of his attention indefinitely. In fact, nobody can. In relationships, we tend to find ourselves asking for constant attention from our partner. However, this could pose a lot of major setbacks in your relationship. Without noticing it, you may end up giving over your significance to how he approves and accepts you. This could turn a man off way faster than you would think. Save yourself and your relationship from falling into this mess as Jaki reveals the fastest way to turn men off so you break the cycle.
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Fastest Way To Turn Men Off!
I wanted to talk to you about the fastest way to turn a man off. It’s probably not what you think but I like to go deep. This is going to be a little bit of a deeper topic. What is the fastest way that we turn men off? I’ll give it to you straight right up front. When we turn the keys of your significance over in dating and relationships, you turn a man off. In other words, it’s that whole thing, “If he likes me, then I like me.” What happens when you turn the keys to your significance over to a man, you’re going to turn them off before you turn them on. A man cannot hold you as the center of his attention indefinitely. It’s impossible. Nobody can. What happens is we start to crave approval and acceptance from a man. When we do that, we are avoiding intimacy with him instead of creating more intimacy. You may not realize this, but your need for winning approval and acceptance of a man plays a large role in how you have given your power away to them.
This is how we give our power away. It also can make you feel you’re being controlled by them, but they’re not controlling you at all. It’s your own need for their approval and acceptance that’s controlling you. When we do that, when we give over the keys to our significance to a man and crave his approval and acceptance, we turn ourselves into powerless subjects. We subject ourselves to, “Whether he likes me or he doesn’t like me.” That can feel bad, especially when you’re dating. One of the biggest tendencies that arise when you’re in the dating process and in relationships is to unconsciously turn the man that we’re dating or in a relationship with into a parental figure. It may be that your father wasn’t there when you were growing up and you’re unconsciously always looking to find that connection to replace that relationship. What we do is we unconsciously bring our unresolved childhood issues to the dating process. This is common. I’ve been there. I’ve done it myself. We’re looking for this form of approval and acceptance.
Consequently, what happens is we end up feeling controlled by them. What happens is we get confused and wonder why this affects us deeply. It’s like when a man doesn’t call you back. It’s interpreted as signs that he’s not approving of you. You feel all this rejection. All that rejection alters your mood. It can affect your feeling of self-worth too. You can get on this emotional rollercoaster and feel manipulated by men. It can hurt you to the core, especially when a man doesn’t call you back and that doesn’t feel good. We’re hoping unconsciously that they’re going to approve of us. “If he likes me, then I like me.” The worst-case scenario ends up happening is that we resent the people that we share our lives with that don’t give us the approval that we want. That weakens our relationships and it destroys a lot of relationships. What happens is we fail to realize that it’s not them, it’s our own need. It’s our own need for approval that is controlling us. We’re going to go on repeating this pattern over and over again in a relationship until we resolve it, until we resolve these unresolved childhood issues. Even if you do attract a man, it could cause problems for you.When we give over the keys to our significance to a man and crave his approval and acceptance, we turn ourselves into powerless subjects. Click To Tweet
A man cannot hold you as the object of his attention indefinitely. I don’t expect Michael to hold me as that object 24/7. It’s not possible. In the beginning, when you’re dating, things are exciting and it’s easy to focus a lot of your time. Eventually, there needs to be an ebb and flow and you have to get back to your life. When that’s withdrawn, when that shift happens, it can make women feel insecure, especially if you’re dating and he goes on a trip and he withdraws his attention to you. It can cause you to go through that mood swing because you didn’t realize it, but unconsciously, you were looking for some approval that makes you feel worthy and worthwhile. You have to break the cycle. It’s a vicious cycle to be in and you have to break it. You have to step back from the immediate situation and recognize that this is a pattern that you carry from your childhood. If you think about, as children, we want to survive. We need to survive and it’s a coping mechanism. It’s a survival mechanism to want love and approval from our parents or our caretakers. We expect it. We need it to survive.
This goes on and carries over into our adult life, but we never take a moment to recognize that our real approval and recognition and acceptance has to come from our adult self, not that childish part of us. We have to stop confusing other people’s acceptance and approval of us as love. They’re doing the same thing, looking for approval also. You have to take back your power. I visualize it like having this cord that’s coming out of your heart in the dating process. Unconsciously, you’re trying to plug it into different people in your life. The men you’re dating or your friends because you’re looking for them to validate you, give value to you and give you approval. It never works because they’re struggling to find their own approval. You want to take that cord that’s coming out of your heart trying to plug into them and plug it into your belly button.
You’ve got to power back up because as long as that cord’s swinging around, it’s leaking energy and you’re giving up your power and you become disempowered in the dating process. That would explain these highs and lows you get on that are dysfunctional and that caused you to want to quit dating. You want to pull back, shoot down your heart and then blame them for having the audacity to hurt you. In reality, it was you all along. I know that might sound a little harsh but I always want to empower all of you because you hold the keys to your happiness, to your love, to your worth, to your value. If you can recognize that, that is the first step in healing. Healing accompanies awareness and you have this awareness. Hopefully, that will be a catalyst to start to recognize when you go into that looking for approval, just plug that cord back into yourself.
Don’t Seek For Approval And Acceptance
To summarize, the fastest way to create emotional intimacy with a man is to not seek his approval or his acceptance. We want to check in and see if we’re a match, if we’re resonating together and if we’re enjoying each other. You’re always holding that approval to yourself because a man finds that confident too. He’s going to be attracted to you when you’re that whole. It’s integrating into being a solid, emotionally-mature, highly-functional woman. You can show up with all your power and that’s what’s most interesting with a man. That’s going to be a way that you create more intimacy because he’s going to recognize that you have a high value. You temper that high value with vulnerability and then you’ve got a lot of intimacy there.
When you do seek approval and acceptance, you do turn yourself into a victim because you hand over your power and your significance to him. A man doesn’t want you to hand over your power and your significance to him. He’s going to be attracted to you because you are significant to yourself. You have to start putting yourself first and from that place go into the dating game. Continue to observe men and see who they show up to be in your life. If you stay in your position and don’t try to give up your power, you’ll quickly discover who they are. It will make your dating process a lot easier, a lot more enjoyable and a lot more fun.
Crash And Burn
I do have a comment from one of my subscribers. I’m always asking you to send me your comments and your questions so that I can answer them. I had one of the gals write me and she said, “One of the two things happen when I’m dating, either I never let my guard down or I jump in feet first and crash and burn. There doesn’t seem to be an in between.” After a crash and burn, she says she’ll go a couple years without dating at all. She said she’s 45 and it keeps getting harder and harder to find someone that she’s attracted to. She even is struggling with having a hard time even talking to men. She feels awkward about the awkwardness about talking to men. She also asked if she’s putting out this vibe. I would say you’re putting out a vibe and it goes with what I’m talking about turning over the keys to your significance. Men will lose interest in that quickly. What you’re seeing is you’re handing over your worth to him and he felt comfortable with that. That’s what creates that awkwardness. He bails because he wants a woman who regards herself in a higher way and holds herself in higher regard.Our real approval, recognition, and acceptance has to come from our adult self, not that childish part of us. Click To Tweet
You’re in this vicious cycle. If you can recognize it, you hold the key to changing that by starting to love and accept yourself. You have to accept yourself for all the so-called mistakes, for all the experiences you’ve ever had. They’re making you the woman that you’re in the process of becoming. Nothing that I’ve ever done in my life has been a mistake. They’ve all been lessons. A lot of them have been painful. Humbling? Absolutely. Without those experiences, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am now. I see this silver lining. The more and more that I accept myself and approve of myself, the better I feel and the safer I feel. The more relaxed I am in my life and the less I care about what other people think of me. Something that you might want to embrace saying is what other people think of me is none of my business. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you. The only person that matters is what you think of you.
If you think you’re amazing and if you think you’re wonderful because you are, then others will too. Not everybody’s going to like you and not everybody’s going to resonate with me. I do what I do and I lob it out there. Hopefully, some of it sticks and some of you are getting some wisdom and gleaning some nuggets that are helping you. Those of you that don’t resonate, that’s okay too. I’m not trying to please everyone. I’m doing what I feel is right by my values, what I’ve experienced and sharing that. Whether or not that’s received, that’s entirely up to the other person. I disconnect from that. That’s how I can do this is not looking for approval. I follow the feeling. It feels good to share what I’m sharing. It feels good to hold my own sense of self-worth. The gal that wrote me that, I recommend that you start to unconditionally love yourself and unconditionally accept yourself and start to practice that. The simple way you can do that, what I do is I put my hand over my heart and I say, “I love you,” and I mean it.
Looking into the mirror is powerful. You say, “I love you,” and you keep saying it over and over again. You’re going to feel a softening inside. You’re going to feel much safer, much more secure and much more understood. You have to show up and be your own best friend. This is not an easy process. You’ve got to be your own best friend and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself what you want someone else to give you and you will feel much better about this dating process. Empower with awareness. Remember that every day, check in with yourself. Give yourself the love that you need and deserve. You deserve to have everything you want out of life. You have to believe that you deserve and you’ll have that. It starts with your belief system, believing that you are even worthy. The more you check in with yourself, connect with yourself in that intimate way by looking in the mirror. Getting close to the mirror and looking right into your eyes and saying, “I love you so much.” The more you do that, the better you feel. It’s very powerful and it’s intimate. You want to become more intimate with yourself because the more comfortable and more intimate you are with yourself, the easier it is for you to go out and date these men that are virtually strangers. Inside there’s calmness. You have to root in yourself a whole lot more.
Another visualization I’ll give you and I love this visualization is to imagine yourself as a tree. Imagine your body as having roots that are going all the way down to the center of the earth. They’re wrapping the roots down to the core of the center of the Earth. I like to visualize it that it’s a dense, pink, red vibrating light of energy at the center of the Earth. I visualize my tree trunk shooting all the way down to the center of the Earth. I’m wrapping my roots around Mother Nature and gaining all this beautiful energy from our beautiful planet and pulling that all back up from the center of the Earth. All the way through my feet coming up my legs to the top of my head, then shooting this beautiful beam of white light right out to the top to the central sun. That’s such a powerful visualization. That anchors you between the sun and the center of the Earth. There is so much beautiful energy here on our beautiful planet. Use that energy to empower you to stay grounded and rooted in the be here now, because that’s where your body is and you can use that as your grounding tool.
I have one more question, “How do you break it? Refocus on our self, staying busy with our lives and validate oneself?” It’s not necessarily so much about staying busy. Staying in that busy energy is avoiding yourself. What you want to do is to validate yourself. Validation means to give value. Give value to your feelings. When you’re feeling a little insecure and little needy, that’s that cord that’s coming out of you that is used to getting external validation from your parents, from people in your life. Constantly redirect that cord back to your belly button and giving yourself what you’re craving from others so that you can feel better faster. You’re not suppressing that. You don’t want to push it down. What happens when you try to push those colorful beach balls that the kids play with at the beach or the water? When they jump on them and they try to push them down, what happens to those beach balls? They pop back up. That’s going to keep popping back up until you finally give yourself what you’re needing, which is your own acceptance and your own approval.
Notice when you’re feeling that vulnerability when you’re feeling a little fragile and then redirect that to yourself. Recognize that you’re the only one who knows you and you’re the only one who will never ever leave you. You will always have you on your side. That’s showing up as your own best friend. I love that because it feels good. When you come from that place that you’re your own best friend, making your needs and wants the priority and not looking for external sources for validation, you feel better faster. Every time you’re doing that, you’re leaking energy. It’s like you’re floating around in a space suit and there are bubbles coming out of your space suit. You’re leaking energy. As soon as you plug that hole, you power back up, you take your power back. That’s what a man is looking for. A woman that knows her worth knows her value and doesn’t need him to define her or approve of her. When you come from that place, then they respect you. They love you. They admire you. That’s something that we all appreciate is that admiration. The admiration comes from the fact that you are taking care of you.Give yourself what you want someone else to give you. Click To Tweet
I have this saying with my husband, “I’ll take care of me for you if you take care of you for me.” That’s a healthy functional motto that we have in our relationship. We don’t depend on each other emotionally too much. We are two trees standing side by side, not shading each other but two strengths so that we could support each other. That feels so much better because at any given moment during my day, I can take care of my needs. I don’t have to wait until I get home at night to get a need met. I can always go within. Please send me your questions. Anything that’s coming up for you, I won’t use your name if you don’t want me to because I want to help you process and address anything that’s coming up for you to help you move forward so you can get engaged at any age as I did. I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.