One day he comes on strong and totally into you. The next day, he becomes cold and confusing. How do you keep on playing this game when dating or in a relationship, or maybe, how do you stop the game? Sometimes, this kind of set-up only leads us at the losing end. We start to question ourselves in the process when the problem tends to not be our fault. Jaki hands us the key to understanding what is happening so we can free ourselves from the cycle of control and fear.
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Watch the episode here:
He’s HOT/COLD
I wanted to talk about when a guy comes on strong, he’s into you and then he goes cold and it causes a lot of confusion. I know you may have experienced this and it certainly is a game that gets played when you’re dating and in relationships and it’s dysfunctional. Let’s just go over what it is. One minute, things are going along. You’ve got this band here, you’re going back and forth and you feel something’s happening and you start enjoying the attention that you’re receiving from a man. The next thing you know, he pulls back and he withdraws into his cave and you’re left wondering, “What did I do?” You start to question yourself and think that you did something wrong. You start to go into thinking about what you said and what you did. This behavior is extreme when a man withdraws like that and it’s about power play whether you call it push and pull and hot or cold, it’s all the same. What it does is it leaves you feeling frustrated and confused.
Control
The key is to understand what’s happening so that if you feel caught into this cycle because it’s a pattern in a cycle, all about control and fear, then you can quickly recognize it for what it is. There are a couple of things you can do. You can use the skills and tools that I teach in my program to become more intimate about what’s happening and invite a conversation. That person that’s doing this, the man that’s doing this, is incapable or interested in having this conversation because he’s using this behavior as a way to control you. Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously, what happens is it creates a longing and it creates a pursuit. As soon as he pulls away, it activates this feeling like, “I have to have him.” What you want to do is reach out and pursue. That’s usually what you do. You go, “I’m just going to send him a quick little text and see what he’s up to.” You might make up some excuse like, “He’s just busy at work.” Some of these rational lies that we tell ourselves to try to justify this emotional unavailability.
If you're in this tug of war with the man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Click To TweetYou might say that he’s sorting out his last relationship or he’s busy at work. He’s got a big project or his kids need him right now. Those are all rational lies that your mind tells you in order to prevent you from seeing what’s going on because your mind is trying to protect you from any painful experiences. In a way, what happens is your mind is protecting you but it’s keeping out some valuable information. I know you’re going to remember this and it’s going to help you in the future. There’s that saying, “Flee and they follow, follow and they flee.” This is what happens. There is this push and pull that happens. What happens is when you start to get close to somebody and things are going well and there are some mutual affection and some attention, you enjoy that and it feels good and you want more of that. It starts to make you long for some relationship stability. You do want that. You start to move in that direction.
What happens is when a man pulls away, it creates an automatic response in you to chase him because you want to get back into this feeling. You want to be the object of his affection and his attention that felt good. This phase is like a corral. It’s the hot phase and it’s designed to get you in the gate that leads to the corral where later you’ll be harnessed. I read that on the internet. It’s created to get the hook in your mouth and you win. That’s the hot phase. The cold phase is designed to make you long for more attention so that you’ll pursue. Both of the phases are dysfunctional. When you get into this phase with a man, you may not realize it but what you’ve done by pursuing a man is you’ve submitted to a man’s emotional and psychological need to control you. A lot of that comes from needing to control to feel safe. I’m not necessarily saying it’s bad, it’s just definitely something you need to be aware of so that you can cope with it. It’s a dance and it has a cycle. It’s like this push and pull.
Comfort And Discomfort; Power And Intimacy
He’ll pull away, you’ll pursue him and then he’ll back up. You’ll back up and then he’ll come towards you and it goes on and on until you become aware of the pattern. There is a difference between when a relationship has a little hiccup, when you’re first seeing each other and you like each other and you’re starting to feel vulnerable. Those are normal healthy feelings. It’s natural to feel for a man to maybe withdraw and maybe consider his position and consider his feelings. When that happens and you have a certain level of intimacy, then you want to invite a conversation and ask that man to talk to you about the pulling away. You want to create more intimacy in that moment and not more distance because if there’s distance then it’s just a game. When you’re in a relationship and a man is emotionally invested in you, then he’s going to want to have that conversation with you even though it’s an awkward conversation.
What happens is you’ll go from a phase of comfort and then you’ll get closer and then you go through a phase of discomfort because your zone is growing. You’re out of your comfort zone. You’ll go from comfort to discomfort back to comfort again, only your zone has grown and that’s called a paradigm shift. If you go from comfort to discomfort and you don’t go back to that zone again, then that means that the relationship is not going to develop. A man that’s playing that hot and cold game has burst of hot but it doesn’t result in any forward momentum. That’s the problem. It’s a game. It’s hot and cold and that’s exciting for them because they have this control over you, but the root cause of this behavior is it’s a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable and it’s love. He is trying to gain control over the uncontrollable which is love.
A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love. He’s going to dip his toe into that pool and he’s going to toy around with it, but he’s never going to commit to it because he’s too afraid of getting hurt. He has trust issues. He has fear of intimacy and you can’t continue to pursue him because you just push them further away. It makes us feel that a man has all the power, but the real power is in the intimacy. Real power is in intimacy and your ability to maintain contact in an intimate way. That’s where the real power comes. If you have that inner strength and confidence, you don’t have any fear of being open and honest with him when he pulls away because you know and you recognize that this is an opportunity to get closer. If he doesn’t take that opportunity, that’s a sure sign that he’s playing the game. He’s exerting that control so that he cannot get hurt, not get his feet wet, not jumping into the pool with you and go swimming into the deep end.
He’s going to play it safe and that’s dysfunctional especially if you’re looking for a relationship and a life partner. Just having an awareness about this game is going to help you because when it happens to you, you’re going to recognize it for what it is. That’s how you turn the table in your favor is by recognizing it. I talked to one of my clients and she reached out to me and I wanted to give her some support. She’s working in my program and she said that she’s dating a man. They’ve got close and she talked to him about what she was looking for and what she wants in long-term. She wants to get married and have children. He said that he didn’t think he would be ready for that and she said, “That’s what I want. Now that you know, you can reach out to me or not but I’m not going to pursue you.” He said, “Okay, fair enough.” A couple of days went by and he called her and she’s at dinner, so she answers the phone. She has a quick chat with him. He just called to say hi and that’s when she called me and she’s like, “What should I do?” She goes, “I think I’m going to send him a text tomorrow morning.” I’m like, “No, this is exactly what’s going on. He’s doing this hot and cold behavior.”
He waits three days, he calls her and then it initiates that yearning and that longing to be the center of his attention again where she’s giving up her own ability to nurture and take care of her emotional needs. She’s looking for another person, some external source for that so she gets back into the game. The system kicks in again and there goes the pattern. She’s going to send him a text and now they’re back in this dance. Another two weeks will go by and that’s what happens. You lose time and that’s why you want to be aware of this and make sure that you don’t get stuck in it. If you are, know that this awareness of reading to this blog, if it’s resonating with you, this is your first step in changing and shifting that pattern and stepping into something more functional for yourself.
Once you recognize the pattern, you gain freedom from it. If you are in this pattern, know that all you have to do is stop contacting him and wait long enough for him to come back around if he’s going to and you’ll have your answer or you can simply set an appointment to talk to him. That’s what I think is the most functional. Say, “Do you have a few minutes tomorrow night? I’d love to sit down and talk to you a little bit about what’s going on.” If he makes that appointment, then you have something. You have someone that’s not afraid to be intimate and real because that’s what it’s all about. This person doesn’t want to be real. He just wants to play a game. It’s important that you ask these questions and that’s why it’s important and I encourage all of you to ask as many questions as you can before you get emotionally invested. It’s so much easier from that place to be curious about somebody and why they do what they do.
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Playing Tug-Of-War
I’m going to be offering tons of support answering these questions and creating a lot of training about all these different scenarios in my program, my Engaged at Any Age year-long program that I am sending out emails and creating training and create this invitation so that we can work together. I’m very passionate about helping all of you become more intimate in your relationship so that you can have that deep, juicy, soulful relationship that all of you are reaching out to me and telling me you want. It’s going to require a little work. You’re going to have to shift out of your comfort zone and step out of that fearful place that you’re at and take some emotional risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the game.
If you’re in this tug of war with a man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Cut your losses. Your time is better spent with someone who’s more functional. If you ask for that conversation and you get a reaction of anger or defensiveness or they’re giving you a guilt trip saying, “I’m working a lot.” This is revealing a lot to you so you want to ask those questions and take note of their response. If he doesn’t respond to you or shuts down, there’s information in that that you need to look at. Make sure you go ahead and ask the question. Have the courage to ask the question. If you don’t get a response, then that’s your answer. That person doesn’t have the skill set to have the type of relationship that you want because you just use a lot of emotional courage to ask these questions in the first place. You’re making yourself vulnerable to him so that you can go deeper. If he doesn’t respond to that, then that lets you know something that you need to know about that man.
Extended Travel Experiences
Anybody that’s straightforward and honest is somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. Anybody that is playing games in lieu of the ability to be real is not somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. I have some questions here, “He stopped calling. I was reaching out and still being open. I offered to talk but he’s avoided it repeatedly. I want a man who wants me and is clear that he wants me. He’s the one who brought all the commitment talks at day one that’s why I opened it up in the beginning?” There’s nothing you can do and there’s nothing you should do because he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in going deeper. He’s in fear. He got triggered and he’s afraid. That’s what you know for sure.
What is he going to do with that fear? He’s either going to remain out of contact with you or he’s going to step forward. You need to know that information about him. That’s telling you a lot about how he’s going to be in a relationship with you. As painful as it is when someone does this, it lets you know the level of intimacy that they’re capable of at the moment. I would say you got close with him but your timing’s off. Don’t get discouraged. Look at this as like, “I attracted somebody and we got close. I’m one step closer because I made myself vulnerable and I know how to do that.” I want you to continue to practice that level of vulnerability because when you do that, there’s strength in it. Because you’re being honest and you’re speaking your truth of what you want. The universe will rise up and meet you with the match to that vibration. That’s why you don’t want to pull back and shut your heart down. You will have to let this one go so the next one can come in. That’s what I want you to do.
Here’s the question that I want to answer. A gal wants to know, she has photos of extended travel experiences in India, Iceland, Italy, walking through Portugal, a month-long stay in the Netherlands. Is that too much?” I would say yes. That’s too much to put on your profile because you could trigger the scammers. It would trigger a scammer so I wouldn’t put all of that. One or two pictures of travel. You want to create enough intrigue for them to reach out to you but not give them the whole story. If you’re oversharing in your profile, it could intimidate men or invite those scammers to pursue you and you don’t want that. That’s an overshare. That information is what you want to leave your date. Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama and you don’t want that.
Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It's not a man's job to make you feel better. Click To TweetThe other question that she had, someone writes on your photos and they comment on them and she responds back with a pleasant manner and then that’s it. Here’s the problem with that, when somebody makes a comment on your pictures, on your profile, that’s an awesome opportunity for you to ask a question back. I had this I woman I talked to and she said that there was a man with a picture of his dogs. She commented on his dogs and I said, “What did you say?” She said, “I love that breed. That’s one of my favorite breed of dogs.” I’m like, “That’s it?” She didn’t ask a question that begs for an answer. I’m like, “You missed an opportunity.” Make sure you’re asking questions. If he makes a comment on your profile like, “Nice dress or great legs or whatever.” You can say, “That dress brings back a lot of great memories. I was up in San Francisco when I bought it. Have you been to the city?” or something like that. Lead it into a conversation so that he has to respond to you and answer your question. Use those comments on your pictures to create more banter that will hopefully lead to a date. It’s always questions. Ask a lot of questions and that’s how you’ll get answers and connection.
Reaching Out To A Man
The next question is, “Is it okay to reach out to a man on a dating site?” “Absolutely.” That’s what it’s all about. You’ve got to get good at this banter. When you’re reaching out to a man on a dating site, it’s not a date it’s like flirting with a man on a networking event. You’re just saying, “How are you? What’s Your Business? What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” You strike up conversations with strangers. You’re not getting courted until they ask you out but you can tee it up. You can let them know that you’re interested by engaging them on instant messaging and by sending an email. You send an email and it’s just a little note. It’s a question and a comment. You look at their profile and comment. Maybe they’re leaning up against a cool car. It seems that men love to put pictures of them leaning up against a cool car. You can say something about the car and then ask him a question. Ask him a question like, “How fast does that car can go?” Ask questions and be playful about it.
These questions need to be lighthearted and fun and almost teasing a little bit. A little mischievous. A little good banter goes a long way because it’s already awkward enough. You are flirting with a perfect stranger but what you’ll do is intrigue them enough to reach out and continue the conversation. I recommend doing this on instant message. It’s a good way to practice if you’re feeling sensitive, shy, and nervous about doing that. A good place to practice is instant messaging on your dating sites. What you do is you’ll just practice sending little notes to men that are online at the same time you are. With the intention of going back and forth a little bit and then saying, “I’ve got to run. Nice talking to you.” Get off the call, get off the instant messenger and then leave it up to them to contact you. They looked at your profile, they know how to get ahold of you. I would do this three or four times when you’re online, but the key is to only do it with men that are online at the same time that you’re online.
Power In Triggers
You don’t want to send emails to people that aren’t online. I recommend you do that as well but this is a strategy to help you get out of your comfort zone to create engagement and to have fun with it and you’re not looking for them to ask you out. You’re saying, “I’ve got to run. Great connecting.” Give him a little wink and then that’s it. It’s up to them to pursue you but you’ve set it up. I recommend this because it will help you to desensitize yourself about this whole dating process. I know it triggers a lot of fear and a lot of fear of rejection. That’s what it triggers and bring it on. Let those triggers come up because there’s power in those triggers. There’s information in those triggers. Your emotional triggers tell you something about you that you need to look at. You want to ask yourself this question, “What do my emotional triggers tell me about me?” If you’re triggered, then it’s something that’s going on inside of you. Usually, it’s a fear of rejection. Don’t reject yourself in the process. When you feel that, you want to look and ask yourself, “What is going on with me? What is my emotional trigger trying to tell me about me?” Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”
Follow it to its source. Get to the bottom of it. Get to the root cause of what makes you feel that way because it can be very disempowering. If you don’t take action to feel better, then it’s on you. That is your responsibility. Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It’s not a man’s job to make you feel better, it’s yours. What Michael and I have is I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me and that’s a highly functional way to look at dating. Your emotional needs are just that. They’re your emotional needs so when you feel those needs come up, make sure you meet them and don’t abandon yourself in the dating process and then have the audacity to blame men for your emotional instability. The dating process is a fabulous way to do a lot of deep emotional work because it brings up a lot of things that you need to clear up anyway. You’re becoming a highly functional and emotionally mature woman and you’re getting a man at the same time. I say that that’s fantastic and it’s going to take as long as it takes.
Practice Receiving
The sooner you start working through these emotional triggers and understanding the game of hot and cold, the better you’re going to be in a relationship and the more space you can hold for that relationship. Let me answer this one last question. “I let a guy open the door for me this week. I felt proud because you popped into my mind while your voice was always saying, practice receiving and let men do things for you.” Yes, receive, “I receive. I receive. I receive.” That’s the mantra. Let a man come to you. You can drop the hanky, do that online flirting, but make sure that you are allowing what you’re asking for to come in by not pursuing men because they will pursue. They love a good chase. Give him one. Give them a run for their money and they’ll love that. The more you do that, the more fun it is for everybody and the more potential for a relationship. Because men love a challenge and they want to win you. When you don’t stay in receiving mode, they can lose interest.
It feels good to have a man step into his power. They want to step into their power and if we don’t hold that space, then we disempower them by acting on opening our doors and getting things that they can get for us. You want to keep that balance in the feminine-masculine energy moving along beautifully by staying in your receiving mode. I’m going to leave you with the mantra, “I receive,” because you’re worth it and you deserve it. You deserve to have everything you want. There is nothing that you should or shouldn’t want. You should expect to get what you want. That’s what I want you to hear. Expect to get what you want but you have to ask for it. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for being here. Please send me your questions so that I can make more training videos for you. Lots of love.
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