How to Ask For What You Want from a Man – Jaki Sabourin – Engaged at Any Age

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How to Ask For What You Want from a Man

How to ask a man for what you want is a major conundrum for most women. The burning questions touch on the long-term goals of the man you are dating or planning to date, where he sees himself in the next five years or what his plans are for the future, and his intentions in dating you. Sometimes this can be hard because we are not ready to risk rejection. As a result, we hesitate to ask for what we want. We end up feeling resentful down the road because we have not established from the very beginning what it is that we want in the process of not asking and not being transparent and upfront. In this blog, I give you some guidelines and tips so that you can have these courageous conversations, as I like to call them.

I recommend that people be clear right up front when they are dating or planning to date, which should be the first thing. How can you go out with somebody and get into a relationship with them when you both don’t know what you want? There are two reasons why I am asking this question: first, be clear about what you want, the second reason is that you don’t to make compromises about what you want.

If you desire to be in a relationship and marry, then you should not waive that for anyone. No matter how good-looking or successful he is or how perfect he seems to you. If he does not want what you want, then he is not ideal for you because he will end up making you feel resentful or, worse of all, feel like you have to start pretzeling yourself in an attempt to get him to like you more or win him over. You may find yourself compromising more of your values or beliefs to get him to see your point of view. I have been in such a situation before, and I would not say I liked it.

For instance, you may try all the methods on the internet on how to be thinner or more beautiful to please the man and get him to love what you want or for him to agree with your point of view. Sometimes, women struggle to win over a man they are already dating, probably because they did not specify what they want upfront.

Of course, there are some compromises that we may be forced to make but make sure that they are not too much and that they do not affect the beliefs that you have. One of the benefits of being clear upfront is that no matter the outcome of the conversations that you are having, you are prepared to move on because you know what you want, and it is non-negotiable. The other important reason you are supposed to be clear in a relationship is that such clarity inspires the man.

Relationships are mirrors where you are always mirroring the behavior of people you surround yourself with.  Let’s use an example, your boyfriend gets audited. He comes home really stressed out and afraid. You may then start to project some of that fear and think, “Oh, my goodness, he’s going through this. That means we’re not going to have money for this.” You may then face scarcity and lack because you are mirroring what he is going through. You are picking up on his fear, and it is starting to affect you because our mind is prone to fear.

It is easier to get into the cycle of fear because both of you are resonating fear and are fearful. You might find it hard to make hard decisions in such a circumstance, and you may start to doubt your relationship and your future with him. This is why it is always essential to be crystal clear about what we want. Once you set yourself up as a person who knows what she wants and that you are ready to follow it, the man will fear that you may leave him for another, and as a result, he will be prepared to listen to what you want, and he may line up with it.

The man you are dating needs to know what you want and what you believe in and that you will do your best to achieve it and that if he hesitates, you are willing to get someone who will. That is the point where I want you to come from to define your relationship. If he does not want to give you what you want, you can attract another man. That is the best mindset to have and make sure that the man you are dating has the same mentality. I had such a mentality with Michael. We had a serious conversation when we got closer to making that commitment; I will share the details right now because I know that it will help you. I told him clearly that I don’t want to stay being single after being single for eight years.

It was so clear that I wanted a man who was ready to be in a relationship. I was upfront on those two points. The other important things to me were somehow moved down from the list, such as looking for a loyal man, a successful man, and an active man. However, I really wanted an emotionally available man and ready to be in a committed relationship. That was the priority, and I made sure that Michael was aware of it.

Some of the pains and disappointments that we face in relationships are not supposed to pull us down. Instead, they are supposed to push us into making our relationships more transparent.

I know that I have shared the story of the man I dated for a while who ghosted me and was not emotionally available. The pain from the relationship was a catalyst that propelled me to be clear in my relationship and not to make exceptions and not go out with emotionally unavailable men. Some men do not want to be emotionally available because they do not want the same thing, so they avoid being emotionally available.

In my relationship with Michael, there came a time when the relationship was eight months old. I wanted to commit, and I was so eager and excited to know when we were going to get married! I kept asking him about it, and he noted that he was all in. Such assurances were crucial because they made me know that I was dating someone serious about our relationship and who cares about my feelings.

I was sure that we were not wasting our time but getting somewhere. Words have magic, and when you hear a man say “I am all in,” such terms lighten your heart and make you feel appreciated. I would say, “what’s your vision for us, baby?” I recommend that you write this down because it is a way to ask about his vision for your relationship and his plans without pressuring him. Ensure that you let him know that you are not happy with any indecision on his part as far as your relationship is concerned.

Some men tend to change the subject when you ask hard questions about your relationship. In such a case, make sure that you stick to the topic persistently but respectfully until he gives the answers that you want. Maintain your persistence in the relationship and make sure you are as patient as possible because that is the best way of getting the answers you are looking for is through the questions you are asking.

How do you deal with a man that changes the topic when you want to know his plan for your relationship?

I have faced such a problem in my relationship in the past. I would ask the man about his plan with the relationship. But he would change the topic altogether. He reached a point where he did not change the subject. But went into deep thinking. In such a case, I could figure out that he was not ready to answer me. I would ask again, patiently but respectfully. I continued asking until I reached a moment when I could not take it anymore.

I expected to have a clear answer from the person I loved. But he could not answer me, which made me furious. When he failed to answer the questions, I could develop several conclusions about the questions that I had asked. I could say to myself, “Well, he is not ready to answer my question; he is not prepared for that. That is why he is not responding. After careful soul searching, I realized that I needed an emotionally available man who was willing to walk this path with me, speak to me when I wanted someone willing to sit down and work through things.

Another thing about asking what you want is to make sure that you come from wanting to understand him instead of demanding. There is a big difference between wanting to understand and demanding to know. How you ask the questions will determine the kind of answers you will get and the quality of your relationship. Make sure that you get to the point gradually instead of confronting the man or dumping it on him unexpectedly. Give him a chance to think about the issue. Let me give you my example of how I addressed the issues in my relationship with Michael. I talked to him about our relationship. But it was just an overview the next night after work.

I went to his place with a reason: to get an answer about what he wanted out of our relationship. If you’re going to ask a man about what he wants out of a relationship. I recommend that you do it in a place where you can leave. You should not be in a place where you will have to ask him to leave if things do not go according to plan. In his place,  you will not feel trapped. You can leave when you need to so you can regroup and think things over if needed.

In the case of my relationship with Michael, we had a conversation, and I expected him to be more forthright with me. He then replied, “I am all in,” but I was not satisfied, so I told him that it was not acceptable because I wanted to know the level of intimacy that we shared. With intimacy, I meant sexual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. I mean, we were going there. He was close with my children, and I was very close with his, and we had a high level of intimacy; I was part of his family now.

Always expect a response when you ask a question. When Michael failed to answer me, the conversation was why he was stuck and could not answer me. I made it clear that not getting an answer to the questions that I asked was unacceptable and wanted someone willing to answer the questions. I made it clear that he was supposed to be forthright. When he could not answer the questions, I offered to answer the question and told him, “I know you are all in because I can see by your behavior that is, we go on these fabulous weekend trips.

We have, and I went through all the things that we’d experienced, and that was his “all in.”. I mirrored all that he said back to him in the conversation, and I made it clear to him that we were reading from a different page; that was when his face dropped, and he was willing to listen to me. I then set out on a trip to Maui and made it known that I was going, thinking about what he had said looks like to him. We talked and I told him that I was not breaking up with him. But my all-in is different. I then told him that I was going to figure out what is going to happen next. I left, and we hugged each other.

Having serious conversations with your man about the future of your relationship can be very interesting and exciting at the same time.

I recall the conversation that I had with Michael, and I must say that it was beautiful but very strained because I was clear about what I wanted.I knew that there was a possibility of getting a “yes” or a “no.” It is always important to be ready for the two outcomes. Do not always put your hopes high because you will be providing a chance for disappointment. You can only be prepared for the conversation to go either way if you are clear on what you want and not willing to compromise.

In my case, I was not ready to spend one more month with Michael without him clearing up things because we tend to open up to our men when we feel safe in a relationship that is well defined. We feel confident when we are sure that our man has our back, is committed to us, is showing up for us, and will be there for us in the long run. When a man is there for us, we feel relaxed in our lives, and we can open up and relax with him even more.

Your relationship can be very strained when a man won’t declare what he wants. You will feel that the level of commitment is deficient. You may end up playing games that you did not intend to. Because he is not giving you what you need for you to feel safe. So that you can be open with him in the best way possible.

In my case, the little tug-of-war happened. I knew without a doubt that I was going to leave the relationship if I couldn’t get the commitment. That time I was sure that I would resent him and could not open up to him anymore, which is why I was okay with a “yes” or a “no.” The truth is that if he said that he did not want a relationship with me could hurt me, but the beautiful thing about it is that it could free me up to move on and find a man who is ready to be in a relationship.

I did not want to waste any more time, and I do not wish you, ladies, to waste more time. It is crucial that you get crystal clear on what you want and not make exceptions or compromise to your bottom line because it will not make you happy, and you may pressure your man.

It is essential to define your relationship from the start when you are starting dating. That is the best time to ask your man what he is looking for in a relationship. That is the time when you do not have any attachment to outcomes. Because, at that time, he will still be a stranger to you.

Let us take the example of when you are on a plan.  You end up talking to the person sitting next to you and tell them the story about your life. You do not know the person in such a case, and the chances are that you may not see him again once you disembark from the plane, but you end up telling him so much. That is how your relationship with the new man is at the start; when he leaves at that point, there is less you have to lose.

The ideal time to have courageous conversations is when you are meeting the man for the first time from a place of genuine curiosity. You are not asking him to marry you. You are just holding a conversation about what you want and trying to understand what he wants in life, especially in a relationship. That is the time when you should let him know that you are looking for your forever guy.

Say what feels comfortable to you, including the fact that you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. You may tell him, “I’m in a new chapter in my life. And I’m excited about this next chapter. I’m looking for somebody to go on this great adventure with me. What are you looking for?” When you come from excitement and passion, that can be very enticing to men.

I urge you to be courageous from the beginning to lay the groundwork to get what you want from a relationship. You do not need to be at a loss concerning what you will talk about in the conversation. Set your objectives and dare to fulfill them. Note that it’s harder to ask the tough questions after having some chemistry with him. When you don’t even know what he wants. Men are more likely to tell you at the beginning of what they want than later. Because they start to get feelings for you and begin to have a little fear, and they have to process that.

It is essential to take risks when dating. It helps you get clear about what you want. Then if it turns out that both of you are not on the same page. It gets to the point where you do not have common goals in the relationship, you can leave before you’ve invested too much time. The only way you can know if you have common goals is by having serious conversations about your relationship. If you want a serious and long-lasting relationship and he doesn’t, it’s time to call it quits to avoid wasting time and future disappointments. You should be ready to leave if your relationship is not working.

When you have this conversation, make sure that you are in a good environment and feel grounded. Timing is critical because it could determine the outcome of the conversation. For instance, you should not talk to a man when he is in the middle of watching sports [it’s really distracting!] because the chances are that the conversation will not end well. Just set an appointment by finding out when to talk with him and when the right time is for you. If he asks about what you want to talk about, tell him, “we are going to talk about us.”. Please do not make him worry.

Tell him you want to check in with him. That you want to do it at a time when both of you can hold good and effective conversations with undivided attention. Make it clear to him that it is important to have this conversation. He needs time to prepare for the conversation. He may have to muster the courage for the conversation. Men cannot read our minds. Sometimes women want men to pull information out of us instead of telling them what we want. Do yourself a favor by being direct in the conversations about your relationship. Just lob it out there and go from there because in that process, when you’re not direct, you may become insecure.

When you spend months in the relationship, but you are not clear about where it is going. Then it means that you have not talked about it in the course of the relationship. You need to find the best way to find out what your man thinks about you and his plans for the future.

The best approach is to say, I just loved the last two months, four months, whatever it is, months that we spent together, and I guess it never came up. We’ve been dating, but I think this is a good time, as any, to check in with you and ask you what your long-term goals are? I mean, where do you see yourself in five years? Go ahead and courageously speak into what you want for me. I want to marry again. I was divorced for eight year. There were so many things about being married that I love. That’s really what my heart is longing for. What about you? What are you looking for? I mean, that’s just what you have to do.

Be patient and listen to the reply that he gives regarding the questions you have asked. You have to do it because, as I said, the consequences when you don’t do it really stack up against you and affect your relationship. You can have a breakdown in your relationship because of it.

I, therefore, reiterate that it is important to have such conversations before you spend too much time with a man. If you have been in a relationship and have yet to do this, it’s okay because it is not too late. Now is the time to hold such conversations. Do not fear rejection [rejection is just a redirection] because it is vital to address the issue now rather than waiting for the future.

Our fears sometimes prevent us from making progress in our relationships and life as a whole. Sometimes we are afraid to get too serious and scare them away. Your guy should be responsible and clearly talk about your role in the relationship. If your man cannot step up and step into that role. You know that he is not your guy anyway. You are not scaring anybody away, and you should expect to get what you want. We have the right to want what we want and to expect to get it. By that, I do not mean having a sense of entitlement. I am talking about our lives and dreams. We should expect to have the things we want in our lives, especially when we are willing to work for them.

It is important to be in the power position in your relationship. But make sure you do not disrespect your man or bruise his ego. I applied the concepts in my relationship with Michael. I came back from Hawaii, and I was not eager to meet him. Or even talk to him because I had made up my mind to move on if he could not commit.

When I arrived at his house, he gave me a warm and tight hug, saying that he had missed me. We sat down to talk, and he requested to talk first. He told me that he was very fearful and he had a hard time with his divorce. Michael was married for twenty-five years and he’s afraid to  get married again out of fear of being hurt. He assured me that he loves me. He then said, “I am not asking you to marry me right now. But I am going to do that at the right time.

Do you want to get married?” I then replied with a happy “yes,” and suddenly, my heart was at peace.

Michael had enough time to think about our relationship when I was away . If you want to ask the hard questions, make sure you give the man some time. Time to reflect on your concerns and the relationship as a whole. So that he can see how his life is going to be without you. He will think about what he will miss without the color. Without joy, passion, sensuality, and femininity that you bring in the relationship. First of all, you need to know your value. And remember that you bring something that cannot be quantified with money. That your contribution is much bigger than you think. You need to know your value to take the emotional risks required to have all your heart desires!

I’d love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment below.

I hope this helps. Remember, I’m just sending you so much love!