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How To Take Back Your Power When He’s Pulling Away
I want to talk to you about how to take your power back when he’s pulling away. This is so hard to do because we tend to get attached very quickly, especially if we like a guy. That’s the worst thing you can do in dating is to get attached. You need to know how to take your power back when you feel him pulling away. We want to examine why we do this to begin with. We have to start to look at why we have this neurotic need for men to respond to us, to reach out to us, to constantly reassure us that they’re into us, that they like us. The thing with this is that it pushes men away in that process when we have this unconscious neurotic need for their approval and their attention. Don’t get me wrong, it feels good to have a man into you, chasing you and wanting you. Until you have that feeling, until you know that he’s chasing you, going after you and wanting you, then you need to remain detached because otherwise, we get a little crazy. What happens is we become powerless in that process because we give up our power. We’re pretty much putting all of our power or all of our self-worth or self-esteem into whether or not they’re getting back to us or they’re pursuing us. When they start to pull away, you need to do nothing.
Doing nothing is something. Believe me, it is. It takes a lot of mastery to do nothing. When a man starts to pull away, what I do is I let him and see how far he’ll go. In that process of whatever he’s doing, if he’s feeling fear or if he’s not sure about you, whatever is going on, the worst thing you can do is start to go towards him. It seems like that’s what you should do. You want to reach out and touch base, make up some excuse why you should get in touch with him so that you can reestablish that connection. You’re trying to reestablish that connection. In the process of doing that, you end up chasing him. You give your power away and you start to feel powerless. He’s got the upper hand. What happens is your emotion starts to come into play. You’re not in the driver’s seat anymore. Your emotions are in the driver’s seat. It makes you feel worthless. You want to show up more confidently. It comes down to detaching from the relationship, unless it’s a committed occlusive relationship and you’re dating. You need to keep dating other men. You need to keep fostering relationships with your girlfriend. You need to continue to go out and do things for yourself. To train yourself away from constantly looking at your phone and trying to establish some connection with him.Don't make it easy for them. Men like to work for it. Click To Tweet
Have you ever done this? Have you ever been sitting there and you’re like, “I’m not even going to bother. I’m done with this.” You put your phone down and you go out and then you come back and boom, there it is. There’s a text from him or he called you. It’s uncanny because it’s energy. If he pulls away and you move towards him, he’s going to sense it and back up even more. You need to inspire him to reach back out to you by doing nothing for one. Also when you’re with him, you’re wanting to notice things about him that makes him feel special. When my husband does things for me, I make a big deal out of it because I want him to keep doing those things. You don’t want to make it easy for them. You want them to work for it. Men do like to work for it. Do things on dates, especially when you first start dating. You want to make sure that you are allowing him to lead. You’re leaning back and you’re inviting him into your beautiful, wonderful space where he can do for you. When he does things for you like pull out your chair or notice something about you or get the car door or pick up the tab, that’s when you gush. That’s when you say, “Thank you so much. You’re such a gentleman.” Men love to hear that. It’s how you make him feel that’s going to want to bring him back.
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When he senses that you are overly into him or you already like him and you’re showing him. If you say I love you before he does, or if you’re asking him out or asking him questions that might indicate to him that you’re a little jealous or you don’t trust him or anything like that, it’s definitely going to push him away. He’s going to feel like he’s losing his freedom with you already. You haven’t even gotten started. You have to remember that he’s the one who is the doer and you’re the receiver. As long as you stay in that receiving end, you’ll be fine. Believe me, there’s a lot of information that you need to know about when he isn’t reaching out to you or it could mean several things. One, it could mean that he’s interested in somebody else and he’s dating other women, which is likely because you’re dating also. You have to remember that he’s dating other women.
Two, when he pulls away and he doesn’t come back around, that’s the information you need to see. You need to know whether he’s into you or not. That’s why if you reach out to him before he comes back around, you will never have that information because you’re the one who instigated that. You’re the one who you got that ball rolling again and he’ll respond to you. He’s like, “It’s nice to hear from you, Linda.” He’ll be like, “That’s nice.” He didn’t initiate it. It’s going to feel like you’re pursuing him. He’s fizzling. It’s going to make him less interested in you. It’s the dynamics that are between men and women. You have to get on board with the way men and women interact with each other. Not caring about whether he likes you or not, not caring whether anybody likes you or not, that’s what it comes down to. Stop being so concerned if he likes you or not. You’re out there to win it. You’re out there to meet an amazing man, to get into a relationship. Until that man shows you that he’s interested in you and that he wants to make plans with you and be with you, you need to not show so much concern and not take anything personal. You got to stay neutral because it’s in that space that he senses and that’s what creates the tension. That’s what keeps the tension on is your lack of concern.
It’s not that you don’t care about him or dating or being in a relationship. It’s that you don’t care about whether or not he gets back to you because until he proves and he’s worked for it, then you don’t want to be with him anyway. That’s going to show you a lot about what he’s going to be like in a relationship with you. He’s not going to pursue it. He’s going to get lazy. He’s going to not step up and that’s going to drive you crazy. I know it’s hard to do this and it’s easier said than done. I can sit here and tell you all day to not text him and not call him and not care. The truth is that dating can be challenging. It can be hard. It is so worth it because there’s love at the end of it. You master this skillset and that’s what it is, this is a skillset. Practice by going out to a bar and flirt with reckless abandon and don’t care if they like you or not. Don’t care if the man is not interested in you. Wink at him. Wave at him and say hi. Who cares? “Who cares” is such a powerful word in dating. You’ve got to use the, “Who cares?” There’s so much freedom in it. He sees it. You’re not attached to an outcome. When you do that, he’s going to come back around. He’s going to be more interested in trying to win you over. It feels so much better when you’re in that, “Who cares if you like me?” mode versus, “I hope you like me.” Do you see how that energy feels different?
Men can feel that. That’s why it’s so important that you practice this. I recommend that you go out and go to a busy bar and not to pick up a man or anything like that. Go and be flirtatious, fun, smile and laugh and banter with the waiters and the wait staff and the people that are there, men or women. Don’t worry about it. Stop worrying about how you look and how you’re coming across to people. Stop caring about what everybody thinks about you. Only care what you think about you because when you care about what you think about you, others can sense it. Men can sense that vibe. It’s very attractive. It’s very confident. It’s like, “I love me, I accept me, and here I am.” Men love that. You see women out there and then you’re like, “What does she have that I don’t have?” They had these amazing men because they have that. They know the key to keep a man interested in them is developing their own interests, having their own lives, and not placing their emotional wholeness in a man’s hands. He cannot be everything all that to you.
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My husband isn’t. I’m there for me. He knows that. It keeps the tension on after seven years. We have a healthy, a lot of tension relationship. He can’t wait to come home at night to see me. It’s because I don’t place my happiness in his hand. He knows that. A lot of times I’m like, “Go ahead. I don’t care because I have my own life to live and it’s a great life because I created it.” If you don’t feel happy about your life, then you can change that because you’re the creator of your life. You can change your life. It’s one step at a time.When he starts to pull away, do nothing. Doing nothing is actually something, and it takes a lot of mastery to do. Click To Tweet
What do you think lawyers do when they get their law degree? Do they stop practicing? No, they open a law practice. You have to keep practicing this skillset until you become a master at it. That’s why I have mastery in the level. All they do is talk about it. I also live and I embody it. Just fake it until you make it, ladies. Go out tonight, get off your couch, get out of your house and go down. Take a walk through town or drive to a local place. Men love to congregate after work in steakhouses or restaurants. When they get off work, men go and meet up. Go right after work, make it on your way home. You make this stop or find Meetup groups. You’ve got to get out there and be more social so you can practice your social skills so you can feel confident when you meet a guy that you really like. You don’t attach to an outcome and go into this whole leaning towards him and he starts to back up.
I hope this helped you. Take your power back and don’t worry about if he’s pulling away. Do nothing. That was the whole point of this talk. There’s nothing you can do. You have to hold space. If he comes back, great. If he doesn’t, then you know that he wasn’t that into you and you can move on to the next man that doesn’t pull away because they don’t all pull away. I promise you, not all men do that. The man that’s into you will not pull away. He will come towards you and keep pursuing you until he scoops you up, not that you want. We want a man that has confidence, he knows what he wants and he’s ready to move forward. There are men out there. My clients get into relationships every day. It can happen to you. You need the support, the container, the structure, and needs some accountability so that you can start making this a part of your embodying what I teach. Thank you for being here. Stop worrying about what anybody thinks about you and do it. Take more risks and have fun. Dating can be fun if you change your point of view and wrap your mindset around what I’m sharing with you.
Jackie, I so enjoyed reading your articlel. It is so true,I know it as well, but SO hard to do…..SO hard!!!! Reading that,i felt Just like you were talking only to me. I have just gone through an ideal like that with the man I’m seeing. I have tried to do that, but find I can only do it for so long, then I give in. I’m really going to try harder and follow your “who cares” attitude.
Thank you, Jackie!!!
You’re doing great! keep going!
Hi Jackie,thank you so much,you really encouraging me.
You’re so welcome! Hugs!
OMG!!! Jaki, Thank You so much for this. I am currently going through this. It has been a week now and I’m fighting to gain my power back. I so wanted to reach out to him and thankful I came across this article. Reading this gave me the strength I needed to NOT CARE!!!!
Thank You Again So Much!!!
You’re so welcome!!
Thank you, so are you!!
This is the best explanation I’ve read on this topic and I’m taking every word of it to heart. I’m actually a guy haha dating a guy and he is pulling away at a critical time in our relationship. And I want to know every detail about why, when will you be back, how much to you like me, all the things that honestly don’t matter. And they certainly won’t help resolve anything, or even make me feel better. So who cares if he reengages again? All I can do is work on being the best version of myself and maybe he will come back or maybe I will meet a guy who won’t pull away. Thanks for this, I really like your perspective, it has really calmed me down and put my head in the right place. Much appreciated!
I’m so glad you are finding your way to your amazing self!
That’s all well and good.
What about when they come on super, super strong in the beginning and pursue you like crazy and when they think they have you they turn into distant, cold assbags and make sure to hit you everywhere it hurts and end up leaving you?
How do we know that if they are so great to begin with that they won’t end up eventually disappointing us just like all the rest?
I recommend you work on learning how to hold healthy boundaries. If a man comes on strong in the beginning it’s up to the woman to set the pace. After she sets the pace there’s a different energy that can develop. A man will either respect the boundaries that have been established or he will fall away. If he stick around and potentially you are off to a good start because he’s respecting you. If he leaves then you know right up front he was not interested in something more lasting.
Just a random guy
Have you ever considered the fact that when they pull back they might actually be feeling the exact same way? In which case this turns relationships with human beings into a “game”. Cat and mouse where the one being chased holds power. This is not actually great advice, if you want a real relationship just be straight forward about what you want and need and communicate with no reservations about the outcome. Some men come on strong in the beginning to make it apparent they want you and when they pull back and become “cold, distant, Assbags” maybe just maybe they are seeing if you are willing to put in the effort back. This idea of making yourself the “prize” just screams entitlement (applies to men and women) and pedestalizes yourself. You want a real relationship, find someone who has no interest in the game.
This is the best explanation I have seen about pulling back…thank you so much. I am going through this at the moment with a new guy. I am trying so hard not to initiate communication! What I find difficult is not reaching out to him in case he thinks I’ve lost interest in him!
This article really hits home. Like some other ladies commenting here I got ahead of myself dating a new guy. He was doing everything right, showing high interest in all areas, but was pushing my boundaries sexually on the third date. I was like, ‘oh what the hell’ and was intimate with him on the 4th date. Big mistake as immediately afterwards he pulled right back. Mind you his father passed just a month ago so I’m not sure about this guy’s emotional state. I hadn’t been intimate in a few years, and was feeling embarrassed and devastated that after finally being intimate with someone (had it in my mind that this had to be going somewhere) he must have not liked something about it or lost interest. Although I’m an anxious attachment style, I do not pursue and am leaning back. He has sent me a few short texts over the past week, but have that ‘gut feeling’ that us women have- the whole vibe has changed. I think if you haven’t dated in a long time, you can get a bit swept up in the moment. Feeling very sad and stupid that I let my boundary down too early
Thank you for this blog. It has helped me tremendously.
Thank you for this blog. It has helped me tremendously. I have learned a new lesson today. If he is yours, No one take that away
Omg I am SO glad I found this. I am currently going through the same with a guy I met a month ago. We have so much in common, and we both said we feel like we’re soulmates. I soon became attached and started to get insecure and a bit “crazy’, so of course, he started to pull away. We have long conversations, and he’s always been open about his situation, crazy busy schedule, his teenage son, just months out of a relationship. I just hope it’s not too late, I hope I didn’t sabotage this. My last text to him was this morning. I basically said I appreciate his honesty and that I am going to retract and give him his space. I saw he read it, but he hasn’t responded. I came upon this article and now I know that all I need to do now is “nothing’. Thank you so so much! xx
I have dated him for two years but now he’s pulling back. He’snt taking the relationship to the next level, he’s pulling away. Thanks for the advice I am going to sit back and watch