Sometimes in dating, we end up ruining great opportunities ourselves. When we see that special person who we have chemistry with, our mind tends to go overdrive that we sabotage the great thing going on. It’s time to overcome this and learn how to talk to men that we have chemistry with. Jaki gives out some tools that will help calm ourselves so that we can move forward and feel more confident to talk to men that we have chemistry with.
Watch the episode here:
How To Talk To Men!
I’m excited to talk to you about how to talk to men that you have chemistry with. This is an exciting topic because what happens is when you see that special guy, you’re heart starts pounding. Your mind goes into overdrive. You end up sabotaging yourself or running off or not knowing what to do so you do nothing at all. I want to talk to you about this topic because it happens. It’s happened to me. I’m sure it’s happened to you. It’s perfectly natural for your mind to go into overdrive, especially when you are meeting somebody in real life, but it happens so much when you’re online dating. Because as soon as you see that little picture, it’s a teeny tiny picture of a man that you think is interesting, your heart starts to race and you get all nervous. It’s like, “What do I say?” Sometimes that makes you back off. I want to give you a couple of tools to calm yourself so that you can move forward and feel more confident. Pretty soon when you practice this enough, you’ll be able to turn to dialogue with ease. You’ll have a positive mindset. You start to connect much quicker and more effort effortlessly. Also, you’ll be able to make that deeper emotional connection with a man, which is what the objective is. It’s hard to do that when you’re nervous at or you think he’s hot.
This applies to not just to women that are single. It applies to women that are in relationships, and even married. What happens is, if you aren’t comfortable or haven’t practiced sharing your truth, how you feel, especially when you’re in a relationship, you still have the nervous energy around having to talk to your husband, and having to talk to your boyfriend about something that’s important to you. You haven’t practiced enough speaking your truth. Speaking your truth is so important because when you don’t speak your truth, it creates disease. You have this discomfort inside because you know that you’re not honoring how you feel. You’re not articulating it in a situation that calls for it. You start to feel some dis-ease inside and that’s what causes disease. It causes sickness. It makes you sick because you’re suppressing what it is you want to say. When you suppress anything, it builds up. What happens is it ends up coming out, exploding at a time when it’s inappropriate. That’s why it’s important to master this skillset of being able to talk to men when you’re uncomfortable, men that you think are hot and also to your partner or spouse.
Breathe And Concentrate Outside
Let’s go back to how to talk to a man that you have chemistry with. First of all, what happens is your heart starts racing. Your mouth might go dry. That’s the worst. You’re sitting there. There’s this guy, you know you want to talk to him or maybe he’s come up to you and your mouth goes dry and your heart is pounding. The best thing you can do is breathe. We don’t realize it, but we tend to hold our breath when we’re nervous. We’re worried about what somebody’s thinking about us or if we’re nervous. That’s a number one thing, is holding your breath. All you have to do is focus on your breath and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. What this is going to do is it’s going to slow down your respiration. When you slow down your respiration, your mind slows down in the process. Definitely focus on your breathing. Breathing in through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. It does work.
I want you to concentrate in this process. If you see a hot guy and you’re in the elevator or you’re in the grocery store, you’re at a bar or a restaurant, the movies, the mall or wherever you find yourself, if the opportunity presents itself, I want you to concentrate on him. This will help you get out of your own head. Concentrate on what’s happening. Keep your focus on everything that’s happening outside of you rather than what’s happening inside of you. What’s happening outside of you when you are in these situations is listening to him talk and looking him directly in the eye. Do not deviate and move your eyes around. I know that’s hard to do. That is one of the key pieces in intimacy. You’re looking at him. You’re listening to what he’s saying. Focus on that. Focus on what he’s saying because otherwise what you’re doing is going to be thinking about what you’re going to say and respond and it’s not going to come out authentically. Don’t think about what you’re going to say. Think about what he’s saying, and then you’ll come up with an authentic response. Whatever that is in the moment, it’s certainly going to transfer when you’re pre-thinking what you’re saying. They disconnect you from what he’s saying and you’re not paying attention.When you suppress anything, it builds up and ends up coming out, exploding at a time when it's inappropriate. Click To Tweet
The goal is to quiet your mind and listen to the immediate conversation. Listen what he’s saying and respond with whatever is authentic for you. Don’t worry about what that’s going to be. If you stay in the moment, it’ll present itself naturally. If he asked you your opinion on something like, for example, your taste in music. I want you to speak from your heart. Speak from your gut. If you’re into punk, say you’re into punk. If you’re into jazz, classical, rock and roll, adult, try to follow what you think he’s going to like. Say what you like because men like a woman who has individual tastes and it’s unique. What is unique about you? The fact that you know how to speak your truth. That is something that can be unique about you. You have to practice it. Stay away from those hot topics like religion and politics. Those definitely cause discomfort, misunderstandings and a huge disconnect right away. It’s not a power struggle. You’re interested in him. You feel some kind of zing, chemistry whether it’s on or offline. Pay attention to that and stay away from those topics that can ultimately lead to an abrupt end of conversations. Don’t worry about how he’s reacting to you. Focus on how you’re showing up, on being present, on your breath, and the things that are outside of you.
Start A Conversation
Another thing is to go ahead and start a conversation. I asked him about what he was holding, his fruit. I’m like, “You came to work prepared.” I started the conversation based on what was available to me. If he’s holding an iPhone and it’s a new phone, you can say, “Is that the new iPhone?” or whatever. Ask him to show you something or ask him why he liked it and what feature drew him to purchase the phone. Men are usually carrying something that is usually the weather, something they’re holding. Maybe they’re in a hurry. Find something and start the conversation. Don’t be afraid to wait for him to say something to you. If he talks about something that lights up, then he lights up, then go ahead and follow that. Ask him more questions about that topic. When you ask a man questions about something that he’s interested in, he’s going to open up. He’s going to start to share with you more details than he would normally share. You’re trying to poke around and look for something that makes him light up and then you follow that. I’m not saying that it’s not all about you and what you’re saying isn’t important.
The purpose of this training call is to help you to navigate those feelings of nervousness when you were talking to somebody that you feel you might have chemistry with. It happens so easily online because there’s a little picture and the guy’s good looking. His profile looks pretty decent. All of a sudden you’re too nervous to even send him an email that says, “I liked your profile and I love the fact that you got back from Hawaii. Where did you go? How was that?” If you’re high, go for the best looking guys, the most successful men because they’re looking for you. Don’t set your bar low and practice on them. Practice on the successful, good looking men because it’ll help you get over this fear of engagement, this nervousness and all of that. It will demonstrate how confident you are. Even though right away, you might be faking it until you make it. They don’t know that you’re nervous unless you tell him.
Keep It Casual
Another thing that’s important is always to keep it casual. You don’t want to go for something serious. Keep it lighthearted. Like in the elevator when I said, “You’ve got your apple and you’re orange. You’re prepared for your day.” He’s like, “Yes, I got to make sure I get my fruit in.” I said, “What I’ve discovered is applesauce.” I said, “I buy that little carton of six little applesauce’s and I keep those in my office.” They do the trick. He said, “Those would only last me for fifteen minutes. I’d burn right through those.” The other man in the elevator, all three of us had a good laugh. I created the engagement based on the fruits. I noticed that he looked at my ring and saw that I was married. I know that if he didn’t see that ring, he would have continued the conversation with me. One of the key components to that was that I was looking directly at him. I was looking right in his eye. I wasn’t looking away and shifting around. I wasn’t looking at my phone in between talking to him. I was giving him my full attention. He sensed that and because of that, he kept engaging me. You have to give him eye contact. Don’t look around even if you want to. I know it’s hard to do that, especially in real life.
If you’re online, keep the banter going back and forth. Don’t take a break and go check on something. If you have a man you’re talking to in a text or an email or online, go back and forth many times as a conversation allows. Sometimes you can get into a little rant and little roll. It’s a little fun, sexy, playful banter. At the end of that banter, you can say something like, “How do you suggest we proceed or would you like to hear my voice on the phone?” You can say things like that. That indicates that you’re done with this banter and you want to move it to a more personal. That’s a good tip. I’m going to share more of those tips in my Hook & Reel webinar. I cannot stress the eye contact. While you’re looking at him, make sure you’re smiling. Remember, I talked to you in videos about smiling. Smiling while you’re talking is a skill set that you need to develop. It’s not something that comes naturally. It feels awkward, but you want to show your teeth. When you do that, you light up. It gives you a little twinkle in your eye. It makes you come across as a friendly, open and a happy, content woman. Make sure you’re using your smile and you’re using it while you’re talking. Keep smiling the whole time.Detach from outcomes. That's a key to dating. Click To Tweet
Let Him Talk About Himself First
What else do I want to share with you? I always think it’s great to let him talk about himself first. Once you started a dialogue with a man and he’s opening up about something that he likes, then you’re having a conversation because he doesn’t know anything about you. You can set the tone for that. Get him to open up so that you have a basis to go from there. He can start to ask about you. Remember, don’t switch to work. Don’t talk about your work too much. Talk about what he’s doing. The more you stroke him and he’s going to think that you’re so interesting because he feels so good talking to you. The next obvious thing for him to do would be to say, “Do you want to grab a cup of coffee sometime?” and then you say, “I’d love to. Let me give you my number.” If he says, “Let me give you my number,” say “Great, here’s mine.” Make sure you give him your number so that he can call you because you want him to initiate that. If a man says online, “I want to talk. Here’s my number. Text me,” There’s no problem with you. Go ahead and say, “I’ll text you. Here’s my number.” You’ve given your number so he knows that’s you and writes that in there. Get offline and text him and say, “Bob, it’s Jaki from Bumble, from Match, from OkCupid, from Starbucks. Smiley face,” and that’s it. You’re not asking him out. Get into his phone and then you’re right there. From then, you’re not pursuing him. Don’t do anything else after that.
He asked you to text your number, you did that. It’s up to him to take the ball and run with it at that point. If he doesn’t respond after you send them one text, literally that’s it. Your phone number and your name, then you’re done. Move on. It’s a next because you want him to ask you out. If he doesn’t, then you don’t know why. It doesn’t matter. He’s not interested. He’s not available. He saved you a lot of time remember that. Detach from outcomes. That’s a key to dating. Keep your tone light. We don’t want to get into these heavy conversations. You have to be fun and playful. At this point in life, we have enough stressors. We have enough pressure on our plate. The last thing you want to do is to complain about anything that’s going on in your life. Keep it positive. It’s all about mindset. Men want to be with women like you want to be with a man who has a positive mindset. First impressions are huge. It’s everything. Don’t worry about what you’re wearing. Some of the men that I’ve met, I’ve been sweaty at the gym. You’ve heard this before, men say that they love a woman who looks natural. A man that I met that I ended up going out with for a couple of months I met at a gym.
I was doing sit-ups. I’m lying down. I’m in shorts, sweaty. No makeup, no hairdo. I could care less. I was at a hotel gym. I’m not going to meet a guy in a million years. In fact, I was so not wanting to talk to a man. I was doing the sit-ups behind what are the machines over by the spin bike so that nobody would see me. I’m down there. I’m going to do 100 crunches because that’s my routine. While I’m down there, some guy comes in around the other side, sit down on the spin bike, one of those recumbent bikes. He starts pedaling. I’m literally lying down on the ground doing sit-ups. If that isn’t the rudest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life, I literally thought that. I looked up at him and he looked over at me. He was surprised to see me there. I looked at him and I was like, “He’s gorgeous.” I panicked, holding my breath, “What am I going to say?” I quickly got up and went downstairs to the weight room. About twenty minutes later he came down, but thank goodness I had a few minutes to compose myself. He came down and started talking to me. We had a banter. I was very aware of how I looked, which was no makeup, no hairdo but I’m like, “Who cares?” Be confident in your looks. It’s you. Your inner beauty is going to come through with your smile and that happy lighthearted banter that you have.
It’s not about what you’re wearing. It’s about what’s going on inside is being projected from the outside. I decided I was going to engage him in conversation. We had a great, fun, flirty banter. In the end, he did offer his phone number. I remember saying, “I’m a little old fashioned. I’m sorry. I’m not going to call you, but you can have my number.” He said, “Great, give it to me.” I gave him my number. He didn’t have anything to write down with, so I told him what my phone number was and he remembered it. He texted me the next day. He didn’t text me that day. I hope that helps you. You do meet men in real life. You want to be prepared with the breathing, with a positive attitude, with staying out of your head. Keep your mind open to all possibilities. There are men everywhere. Men in the elevators, men in the parking lots. If you have your head up and not on your phone and you’re smiling, it’s more than likely that you’re going to engage one.
Cancel For A First Date
I’m going to answer one of the questions, “You got canceled for a first date with less than an hour to go until your meeting time.” I’m sorry to hear that. That’s disappointing. “I texted the guy to reconfirm the time because I hadn’t heard from him all day. He answered and said, ‘Gorgeous, give me a call. Something came up.’ What would you do?” I’m inclined not to contact him. It seems disrespectful. I wouldn’t reply. I wouldn’t respond because here’s why. Right now, you’re triggered. That’s upsetting. You’re disappointed. As long as you’re in that energy of disappointment, you don’t have clarity. It’s normal to feel disappointed. Anybody that gets canceled on an hour before, after you’ve done your hair, your makeup and you’re excited, is disappointing. Allow yourself to feel those natural feelings of disappointment for a moment. Be like, “That’s disappointing.” Once you’ve released that disappointment, that’s called validation. You want to give value to your feelings because your feelings are just that. They’re your feelings and you have a right to feel them.Your inner beauty is going to come through with your smile. Click To Tweet
What you don’t want to do is project those feelings onto other people, to him, to anything because then you are coming from the wrong place. You’re not coming from a place of boundaries. You’re coming from a place of anger. You’re lashing out so you’re reacting. You don’t want to get into reacting. You want to respond. I would wait or not respond at all. He’s not respecting you. He’s not respecting your time. He’s not taking it seriously. I wouldn’t respond. I would delete and block him because what can you say. We can go over a couple of scenarios. You can say, “I would have appreciated notice,” but that sounds bitchy. “I don’t appreciate the late cancel,” it sounds that you’re resentful. Nothing that you can say isn’t going to sound defensive. Say nothing is saying a lot. Doing nothing is doing a lot. You could say something like, “Thank you for revealing who you are to me so that I don’t waste any more time with you. Best to you.” Block and delete them so you could say something like, “Thank you for revealing who you are, not someone that I feel is a match for me. Best,” and end it up like that. Do not give him another chance. He didn’t deserve another chance. I’m sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad that you’re here.
What you can do to prevent that from happening, follow up the day before. If you haven’t heard from a man, go ahead and send him a text. Say, “Bob, checking in with you. I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. What time are we meeting and where?” If he doesn’t respond, then you know that it’s off. Try to firm that up the day before instead of an hour. Don’t wait. You deserve to know when and where you’re going to meet. If he doesn’t give you notice, then he’s not taking this whole process very seriously and you won’t waste your time. She decided to stay silent. “That’s okay, Colin, but I’m not calling.” No, I wouldn’t say that’s okay. Do not let him off the hook. It’s not okay. That’s not speaking your truth. It’s not okay that he did that. It’s absolutely not okay.
Iif a man cancels with a good amount of notice, you can say, “Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate that. Sure. We can reschedule.” Only one time. The next time if he says, “Something came up, I’m sorry. Something happened to a family member, family comes first. I hope you understand.” I don’t understand. I’m sorry. You don’t have a phone. You can’t call. No, that that’s BS. I wouldn’t respond to him either. I block and delete them because he’s shown you who he is. Two cancellations in a row, it’s going to keep getting worse. He’s already been disrespectful. He’s not the caliber of man that you’re looking for. In a way, you could look at that was a test. You passed it with flying colors. I’m so proud of you. You deserved someone who treats you better than that.
Maybe since you got all dressed up, this is a good time for you to take a couple of selfies and update your profile. That’s what I would do. Get your phone out. Get some good lighting on your face. Take a couple pictures because you look fabulous. Call one of your girlfriends and see if she wants to join you. Make sure you take advantage of this outfit and your look and post something to your profile. Get back online if you were online. You never know when you’re going to meet him like I met my husband. You don’t get to know. We have to stay in the unknown, but the attitude is important. Moving the energy of the disappointment, detaching from an outcome clears that space out. Get him out of your energy field and get back into the now. That’s where all of your possibility is. There’s that Law of Vibration.
Running Out Of Time
One of the ladies also wrote to me about feeling like she’s running out of time. I wanted to talk about that. She said, “I don’t know if I’m giving out the energy of feeling like I’m running out of time, but I do feel like I’m running out of time.” I’m like, you’re definitely giving off that energy because the energy is vibration. Google it. Look at the Law of Vibration. It’s a wavelength that goes out. If you feel like you’re sending that vibration off, then you are because you’re thinking about it a lot. There’s no such thing as running out of time. Basically, if you’re spending a lot of time worrying about you’re getting older, you’re not going to meet anybody, you’re definitely getting that back as a reflection of needing to change that mindset, change that thought process. You don’t know how long it’s going to take. That’s certainly going to take much longer if you continue to allow your mind to dictate what it thinks.Saying nothing is saying a lot. Click To Tweet
You need to be the master of your mind, not the other way around. Don’t let your mind use you. You need to use your mind. It’s a tool. One of the superpowers that you possess is you possess far greater superpowers and that’s your ability to connect with your source, your innate wisdom. You need to hone that muscle. That muscle atrophies if you don’t use it. That’s your connection to in infinite wisdom. That’s why I can talk at the moment. I can connect. I’m out of my head. I’m not even thinking about what I’m saying. I can source directly from my wisdom. It’s like a muscle atrophies if you don’t use it. You can develop that in meditation. You can develop that by learning how to be the witness of your mind and learning to hear your thoughts so you can hear what your mind is doing.
You can tell it to go sit in the corner when it’s subvocalizing, saying things in the background like, “You’re never going to meet him. There are no good men out there.” Those are all minds of vocalizations. You need to be able to hear those so that you can change the channel when that’s happening. The indicator that that’s happening is how you feel. If you don’t feel good, you’re definitely in your mind thinking negative thoughts that aren’t serving you. That is causing more of what you don’t want to come to you. Use how you feel as your guidance system. Your feelings are your guide. Your feelings tell you what you’re thinking. All you have to do is think a sad thought. Think about something that brings you sorrow and watch how quickly you can become sad.
It’s not a real feeling. Feelings are only in the moment that would be thought about a feeling. You’re going to be thinking about something that makes you sad. On the other hand, think about something that makes you happy. You can get so happy. You do have control over your thoughts and how you feel. Choose your thoughts wisely. Thoughts become things, so pick the best ones. I hope this was helpful. I sure love making these trainings for you. Remember to go to my YouTube channel, Engaged at Any Age, and subscribe to the channel.
I do have one more question. “How do you handle a man calling and wanting to meet for the first time at the last minute?” Maybe I came home from work and I’m online and a guy asked me out. I’m like, “Sure, call me.” If I talk on the phone with him and I’m feeling like it’s legitimate, I might Google him real quick. You do a little background check by googling his name, asked him for his last name. Check in with your intuition if he seems like a nice guy. You like the sound of his voice say, “Sure. I’m not doing anything. I would love to meet you.” Make it convenient for you. Make him come to you. Go to a place that you’re familiar with and you feel safe. Be spontaneous. Don’t make all these rules about meeting men. You limit yourself in that process. I say, go for it. I do those things. Follow those rules so that you feel safe and you do a little vetting on him. Have fun with it. Practice your banter. It doesn’t mean anything because he called you last minute, it means that he doesn’t want to be at home alone like you. That’s what it means. Don’t read more into it. That’s all it means.
- Engaged at Any Age – YouTube Channel
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