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Quickly Create An Emotional Connection!
I wanted to make a little blog for you about how to make an emotional connection that leads to more dates. I hear from my community of women that some of you women have no problem getting on these first dates, second dates, but how do we get to the third and fourth date? The third and fourth date indicates that this man is interested in you and he sees you as having the potential to be something more in his life. How do we get to the third and fourth date? That’s the big question. What you want to do is create more emotional intimacy in that first and second date and there’s a way to do that. I call it tenderizing a man to create a more emotional connection. You want to find ways to create some warmth, create some silliness and tenderness on his part. It’s like tenderizing the steak. You’re creating this juicy filet mignon in the oven. You’re creating this beautiful space of love that you’re inviting him into that a man needs.
A man needs a place. It’s essential for a man to find a woman who has this beautiful space of love, where he feels safe and can come into and be vulnerable and share who he is. Men are looking for that and it’s up to you to create this space for them, then you will get asked out on third and fourth dates. One of the things that you can do is to stay neutral about things that he shares. You have to watch your judging. He might share something about his ex-wife to you. Maybe he shares that he’s still angry at her or maybe he doesn’t have a great relationship with his children. It’s important for you to remain detached and nonjudgmental about what he’s sharing because he can see that in your eyes. You want to stay curious. If you come from a place of genuine curiosity, he’s going to sense that you’re not judging him. The more that you come from that place, the easier it’s going to be for him to tell you how he feels.
If he says something that’s painful about his divorce or how his life is going, instead of reacting you respond. You say things that are more empathetic and with more compassion. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you unless you make it about you. You would say things like, “I’m sure that was hard for you. I can relate to some of the experiences that you share. It took me quite some time to process those feelings.” You can empathize with him and be compassionate about what he’s going through. In that moment, he’s going to feel understood by you. I’m not suggesting that you go out with men that are abusive or that are emotionally not together. Sometimes when you create this space, you inspire a man to want to be more and do more and have more in his life. In that moment with that reflection from you, he has an opportunity to change, to shift, to grow and to let go of this victim story about being hurt by his ex-wife or his last girlfriend. You create this nonjudgmental space where he has the potential to let his guard down and show you the things that have caused him pain and then you’re going to show up and be empathetic.
This is a beautiful tool to use with a man. I’ve had that experience myself with Michael sharing some intimate details about what we were both going through on the first conversation that we had, which created a lot of intimacy. I would use a very soft voice when I was talking to him about those things. I recommend that you make sure you check in with your voices. The tone of your voice, what you say and how you say it can be interpreted either as nonjudgmental and inviting or it can be interpreted as a defense and have that man’s guard go up and not create that space for him to step into. Don’t be judging, be more curious and ask good questions. Don’t be afraid to ask real questions. It’s how you ask them that is most important, “Why did your divorce take so long? Why did it take so long for you to get through your divorce?” If he said it was a few years, “That must have been hard for you.” Validate him by giving value to his feelings and what he’s feeling as if you understand him and are not judging the things that he’s saying.Not everything is about you unless you make it about you. Click To Tweet
Whatever he shares with you, you want to make sure that you don’t use those things against him. If he does lower his guard and he is sharing with you that he was angry in his first marriage and he has some anger still. Instead of taking that personally and going, “I’m dealing with him, this guy who needs anger management.” Nothing has been decided yet. Come from a place of genuine curiosity and be like, “That must be hard. You must have experienced quite a bit of pain to feel angry like that.” I know for me it wasn’t until I was able to forgive that I could move on from my past. This might be a good time to look at inviting a little more forgiveness in your life. You share it as a matter of fact, but don’t be afraid to say that. Sometimes when somebody says something to you, it can cause a jolt. A little reality that you needed to hear, but it’s how the person delivered it to you. Don’t be afraid to ask those important questions.
How You See Your Life Going
Another question that creates intimacy is, “How do you see your life going? How do you think your life’s going right now?” Some men might say, “It’s going horrible,” and you’d be like, “I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me about it.” In that moment, you created some intimacy. See what he says. Be open to what he’s going to tell you and not judging it, stay curious. We all want to grow and relationships are designed for our personal growth. We grow with people and that’s what’s going to happen. It’s never going to be perfect. If a person’s willing to grow, then you have something there. Another thing to do to create more intimacy and an emotional connection on this first couple of dates is let him know that you like him. You don’t want to go overboard with this, but you can be I like, “I like the sound of your voice. That’s something that’s important to me and you have a nice voice.” Say something like that. When you’re on a first date you can touch his arm, putting a reassuring hand on his arm. Maybe he handed you something and you’re like, “Thank you,” so you’re letting him know through physical contact that you’re enjoying being with him and you him and you like him.
Don’t Take Everything Seriously
Another thing and this is important is not taking everything seriously. We tend to get serious when we like someone and it’s hard not to. You’re like, “This could be something,” but what happens when you go into that serious mode is you start to project an end result. You have to have that Law of Detachment. You have to embody it. Basically, the Law of Detachment is detaching from outcomes. When you go into a date, you don’t have an attachment to the end result, because honestly, you don’t know what the end result is. You’re not to confuse that with letting go of the things you want out of a relationship. You want a soul mate. You want to be in a committed relationship, but you don’t know if he’s the one. Detach from an end result and how it’s going to unfold. Don’t “should” on yourself about it. If you’re not taking things seriously, whatever he says like, “I’m never getting married again,” or, “I don’t see myself settling down.” Take it with a grain of salt. Don’t take that seriously. I’m not saying you shouldn’t listen to him, but you should look at what’s driving that. What’s causing him to say those things?The boundary rule-of-thumb is you share a little bit of the truth at a time and see how it's received. Click To Tweet
Maybe he got hurt and you can show up with a little more empathy and compassion. It’s like, “This sounds a little bitter. You must have had something happen that caused you to feel that way. Do you want to talk about it? I’d love to hear about that.” You’re getting him to open up some more. These are all opportunities to hear a little bit about his struggles and create that emotional connection with him as you create the space that’s coming from this nonjudgmental space, where he’s more likely to share more with you. The more you know about him, the more you can find out about the things that have hurt him. You want to be careful not to intentionally aggravate those things because that’s an important component of respecting each other’s painful experiences. Know what they are and be careful not to trigger them in your relationships.
Another thing that you can do is open up to him. You want him to open up to you and how you can get him to open up to you more and create that emotional connection is if you open up to him. You have to be vulnerable with him. You have to be willing to share a little bit about you that create this intimacy. Intimacy means, “Into me, I see.” Let me give you an example of things that you could share that would create a little vulnerability. The biggest question I already asked is, “Why are you still single? Why have you never been married? You’ve been married three times? What happened with that?” If you want to create more intimacy, you want to go beyond that initial answer and go a little deeper and do share something about why it is. You could say, “It’s been hard.”
In that moment, open up and be vulnerable and say, “It’s been hard being single all these years. Lord knows I want a relationship, but I needed to grow through some things that were holding me back. Some of them were hard to look at. I guess it took me longer than I thought it was going to. There was a time in my life where I didn’t believe that love was possible for me. I’ve probably sabotaged it a couple times here and there, which unfortunately took a decade out of my life to recover from a big breakup. The beautiful thing that happened in that process is that I learned a lot about myself that I definitely have a capacity to hold more. I’m using that in the way that I’m dating and even talking to you. As much as I’ve been lonely, I’ve also had an opportunity to grow into the woman I am now. It’s a bittersweet thing. “What about you?” Then you turn it back to him.
In that moment, you get real and raw and share something so that he sees the real you. You’re not this perfect person that you’re presenting to him, which is what we want to do. We want to present some perfect woman that’s got it all together. The truth is we don’t all have it together. You’re still single. You want a man. So there are some parts in your life that haven’t worked that you’re starting to put together, so that you have a more functional way to show up. Go ahead and share that with him. Another lighter-hearted thing to share with him is like, “You won’t believe what I did. I called the woman in my office, Ashley, five different times when her name’s Alicia. I’m beating myself up because I can’t believe I did that.” Little things like, “I tripped coming out of the elevator and fell down and skinned my palms and knees. I’m sitting here with Band-Aids on my knees,” share that. That’s something that’s a little lighthearted, but it gives him a moment and an opportunity to comfort you which creates a lot of intimacy when you allow a man to comfort you.
If you do share something vulnerable with him, make sure you pause and listen for his response. If he does want to comfort you, thank him for that. Say, “Thank you for saying that. That felt good. I appreciate that.” Just pause and make sure you recognize that. He’s giving to you, you want to receive what he’s giving. That’s a key. On dates, you’ve got to stay in that receiving mode. Another thing is you want to reveal intimate details. Let me give you another example. A client of mine went on a trip and she went to a beautiful place for a wedding. The truth was that she got there and it was a beautiful event. She was surrounded by people, but she felt lonely. She was longing for her beloved, to call it her soul mate. I’m like, “Stories are a great thing to share.” You can say, “I went to Bali and it was an amazing place to go. I’d always wanted to go there. An interesting thing happened to me when I was there. I was surrounded by a lot of my friends and family, but I felt alone. It made me realize how much I want to share my life with someone.” That’s bold to share with someone. You accomplish two things. You share a little bit about your lifestyle. You traveled to Bali and you’re adventurous. You were vulnerable and admitted that you do want a relationship.You've have to make mistakes to achieve to mastery. Click To Tweet
It’s easy to do this with strangers. That’s like sitting on an airplane telling the person next to you, pouring out your heart to him or her, then you get up and leave the plane and you never see this person again. It’s the same type of thing. Share but you want to have a little boundary there with your sharing. You don’t want to overshare your private matters, because you don’t want to violate your own boundary and overshare and push that person away because that can be a little bit of a turnoff. It’s a little bit of a boundary dance of openness. The boundary rule of thumb is you share a little bit of the truth at a time and see how it’s received. Then evaluate how it’s received and then decide as you go to share a little bit more. If it’s received well and the man you’re sharing it with is sharing a little bit back to you, then you can keep sharing. If he doesn’t share anything, then that’s when you would stop sharing and wait until the next time you have an interaction to share a little bit more.
You’re always adjusting that boundary according to if it’s being received or if it’s reciprocal. Trust and intimacy are going to expand in direct proportion to the degree that each person can trust each other. You share a little, check in and see how it’s received. He shares a little and then you keep moving forward. That’s how you prevent yourself from oversharing. When you first meet a man, you don’t want to tell them your whole life story. For one, you don’t know him well enough to do that. It’s a boundary violation against yourself. Two, you want to see how intimate he’s going to be with you and then they’re going to match that level of intimacy. That’s the rule of thumb that I want you to keep in mind when you’re on dates because it’s easy to get into oversharing. You don’t want to share your whole life story, just a little bit at a time.
Have fun. Dates are supposed to be fun. You want to create some laughter, a sense of humor, be a little silly even and be real. Don’t be guarded on your dates. Be the real you from the get-go and that will give a man permission to be the real him. Then you move forward much faster than pretending to be someone that you’re not, wearing a mask, being who you think they want you to be. Be yourself. All the other roles are taken and you will be much more received by a man. Create that space. Tenderizing him gives him permission to lower his defense and share with you something intimate. When he does, make sure you reward him by that. Reward him for that by being empathetic, compassionate, smiling and being gentle. Creating this gentle place where he can relax, because men wear that tough exterior all day long. They need a soft place to land and that’s what you want to create even on those first and second dates.
Even if you’re not that into him, I challenge you to practice this creating this space of love, this tenderizing with a man that you’re dating to see how quickly you can create this emotional connection. Even if you’re not interested in him for the long-term, it’s a great opportunity for you to practice. It’s a skillset for you to be nonjudgmental, invite more intimacy and to share more intimacy. Practice and be willing to throw a couple of gutter balls. You got to make a couple of mistakes to get to mastery in this area. I hope this was helpful and that you’ll apply these little tools and tidbits and let me know. If you have any questions, please post them in my thread or shoot me an email. If you aren’t sure about how much to share and you have a story that you want to share with me, definitely send me that email or post in the comment box. I will let you know if it’s appropriate or not if you’re not sure about how much to share and what to share. Sharing and storytelling are great tools for getting intimate.
Come up with a couple of stories that you’ll share that tell a little bit about your lifestyle, a little bit about things that you’ve gone through and talking about your childhood is another one. Sharing something about what happened to you as a child will give this man little insights into what created the woman you are now. Ask him about his childhood is another great way to create an emotional connection. When he shares something with you, go into it. Ask him a lot more questions about it because men love to talk about themselves. The more you can get him to open up and share with you things about his past, he will link you with those. Because he sees that you get him and you understand him. That’s what we all want. We all want to be understood by each other, especially men. As soon as a man feels that you understand him and get him, he’s going to ask you out for more dates. He’s going to want to be around somebody that gets him, who understands him and is not judging him. Lots of love.
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