Sometimes in the course of a relationship there comes what I call the point of no return. Maybe it’s yet another canceled date. Maybe he listened with half an ear yet again after he asked you about your day. Maybe he didn’t ask about your day at ALL! Whatever “it” is, your gut knows it and will tell you in no uncertain terms that it’s time to move on.
When I work with a client, I encourage her to be attuned to how a man “shows up” for her. Does he, for example, make plans and keep them (as opposed to saying he doesn’t care what restaurant she picks)? Remember how she hates mushrooms? Listen to her and ask follow-up questions when they talk? The definition of showing up is different for every woman, but if your man doesn’t do it early and often, it’s almost always better to break things off sooner rather than later!
“Easy for you to say, Jaki!” I know, I know. Hear me out.
Of course, it’s hard to let go of the “known,” but remember that your pangs of regret and hesitancy are coming from a place of fear, not love. And we always, always want to operate from a place of love and acceptance. It’s best to pause and breathe and reframe an ended relationship, not as a waste of time but rather a lesson in which you gained clarity about what you don’t want. When you think of things that way, you reinforce your self-love and will resolve to go after what you really deserve next time! Let go of who isn’t for you, and you’ll have space and freedom to make room for someone better. It is that simple.
Are you still not sure it’s better to get out sooner? Here’s some perspective from one of my clients!
“I decided to end the relationship about a week ago. I found N. to be too intense and needy. He wanted my undivided attention and for us to be together ALL the time. He was controlling and jealous of my other relationships with friends and family. I became less attracted to him the more I got to know him. I discussed the issues and my concerns with him. Rather than working together on a solution, he told me he “needed more” from me! At that point, I knew there was no point in continuing the relationship. Yet, I am so thankful for having dated him, as I learned a lot about myself and what I do and don’t want in a relationship.”
This is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Instead of wallowing in fear and feeling uncertain if she did the right thing, my client now has clarity and feels HOPEFUL about what’s possible. She’s not clinging to N. as if he’s the only man on Earth – she knows he isn’t!
Besides, in this era of internet dating, your new possibilities are right there in a simple click or swipe – you just need to be open to them!
If you feel stuck and unhappy with who you’re dating, time to take stock, ask yourself if this is how you’ve dreamed a relationship would be…and if not, time to move on!