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STOP SELLING YOURSELF SHORT!

· February 4, 2020

Something has been puzzling me. Why do I know so many women who won’t settle for less than the best in everything they do – caring for their family, their career, how they present themselves to the world – yet will continue to make excuses for the men they date who continually disappoint them?

I had a friend who, in her 20’s, had a boyfriend who would call her on the spur of the moment, and she would jump at the chance to spend time with him even though he hadn’t given her any notice. His birthday gift to her one year was a collection of stuffed animals from a smoky bar’s “claw machine,” and they smelled like it too. She explained away this kind of thoughtlessness by saying he was so busy; he was saving his money for a house, etc. etc. etc. Mind you, and this was a woman who had a graduate degree, a good job, great looks – the whole package. She was (is!) thoughtful and kind and would never treat anyone the way this guy treated her. Yet she hung on for several years, thinking she would be the one to change his behavior. Spoiler alert – she didn’t.

(Click here to take the 2020 Love Forecast and find out what’s in store for your Love Life and who your celebrity Soul Sisters are!)

No matter how many times her friends and family told her he was not good for her, it wasn’t until she finally realized she was worth more than that she finally cut him loose.

It’s one thing to put up with that kind of behavior from a man when you’re young and naïve. Quite another to be in your 40’s or beyond, mature, successful, and accomplished!

I want to challenge you this year to honor the woman you are today!

Raise both your standards and your self-esteem by refusing to spend your precious time on men who clearly aren’t interested in a long-term, mutually beneficial, and authentic relationship. Look closely at your dating pattern. Does any of this behavior sound familiar in your partners, past or present? If so…time to re-examine!

He always wants you to come to him – meeting at the restaurant near him or driving his way for the evening.
He has no interest in planning anything to delight or surprises you, let alone impress you, with a date (in fact, often says, “Whatever you feel like doing is fine”)
He sees you when it’s convenient – for HIM
He is hesitant to introduce you to his friends, let alone his family
Your last “gift” was purchased thoughtlessly, and at the last minute (or worse, your birthday/anniversary/big promotion was forgotten altogether!)

If you saw a friend dealing with this kind of garbage in her relationship, wouldn’t you be fed up for her? Wouldn’t you tell her to move on? Of course, you would.

Be a friend to yourself, and repeat that you deserve nothing less than the best. Then start working on finding it!

(Click here to take the 2020 Love Forecast and find out what’s in store for your Love Life and who your celebrity Soul Sisters are!)

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Categories : All About You

Tags : Boundaries, communication, confidence, connection, dating, Emotionally Unavailable Men, Men, relationships, Self-worth

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· September 24, 2019

· No Comments

Nothing makes a relationship better than to be able to connect with the person you are with on a deeper and intimate level. To those who are not as fortunate to come by with this connection, we may find ourselves going around attracting emotionally unavailable men. Go past this and start attracting those that are truly available emotionally as Jaki leads you to find that intimacy within yourself first. As the saying goes, we attract what we are. Deep dive within and self-examine as you reclaim self-love and eventually attract the right person.

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

I want to talk to you about how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men because it’s a big topic. A lot of women complain that there are no emotionally available men. I want to have a candid discussion about it. I love talking about emotional availability because it is like heaven on Earth when you meet with a man and you can connect with him on a deeper intimate level. Let’s start out with defining what is intimacy? What is real intimacy? Intimacy is into me I see. It is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. What I mean by that is no matter what you’ve done or what you say or what you did in the past or you’re doing now, you’re not afraid to self-examine. You’re not afraid to ask those deep questions of yourself so that you get the answers. You can become more intimate with yourself and stop listening to your mind’s rationalizations about situations that happened.

Intimacy is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. Click To Tweet

It’s you being completely emotionally honest and open with yourself about what’s going on without rationalizing. You can only be emotionally intimate with a man to the degree that you are emotionally intimate with your own self because you can’t give away what you don’t have inside. If you haven’t done that deep inner work to go in and explore the blocks you have or the painful experiences you’ve had and heal them, you’re not meeting a man from that authentic place. You’re meeting him from the place of those painful experiences because those painful experiences act as blocks and barriers. They are protecting you from experiencing any more pain, but they’re also keeping you from being intimate because they act as a barrier. That’s why it’s important to self-examine and self-inquire. Ask yourself a lot of questions, “What am I feeling? What is this anchored to? Why am I feeling this way,” so you can understand yourself. When you are intimate with yourself and you can understand yourself, then that’s when you have the ability to be in a relationship with an emotionally available man.

If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable men, then it’s a sign. Don’t take this the wrong way please because you know I love you. It’s a sign that you are not being emotionally available on some level. Here’s the good part about this. You’re getting instant feedback from the men that you’re dating because dating provides a mirror. It’s like looking in the mirror. However, he’s acting is a response to how you’re acting. Likes attract likes. We attract men into our lives to help us grow, to help us see how we’re showing up. That’s why this is so exciting. It’s such a beautiful work. Look at dating as an opportunity to grow yourself and through that process, you will attract an emotionally available man. I want to mention what happens when a man withdraws his emotional intimacy. You’re dating a man and he doesn’t call you back and you’ve been seeing him for a couple of weeks or a month or longer. He doesn’t get back to you or he doesn’t answer your questions when you ask him or he avoids topics.

Take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

Those are all signs of emotional unavailability and that he’s distancing himself. He’s demonstrating to you that he’s emotionally not available. I don’t know why that is, but I can speculate. How I can speculate is I would look at his past. It’s important when you get involved with a man, especially if you want a long-term relationship with him, that you discover what experiences he’s had in his history that has caused him pain. Those are going to be clues into why he withdraws because he might be triggered. Men go through painful experiences like we do and they hide it. They hide it from not only you but they hide it from themselves. They may not even be aware that they’re doing that. That’s why it’s so important for you to do the inner work on yourself and become more emotionally intimate with yourself. You have the capacity to signal your man when he drifts, when he withdraws emotionally. You can signal him in a way that he can respond to you without feeling defensive or withdrawing even further.

How do you do that? Very carefully, for one. You use responsible communication. That’s how you do it. Responsible communication is a communication technique that is based on sharing from a place, coming from love, but also with the utmost respect and conscious listening and also being able to share how you feel and being heard by both parties. I recommend you set an appointment. If something occurs and you want to create more intimacy, you need to reach out and set an appointment. It sounds something like this, “On Friday, you said something to me that I didn’t quite understand,” and you would always mention what it was because you don’t want your man to worry about what it is you want to talk to him about it. Because anytime you tell them and you want to talk, his red flag goes up and he starts to retreat. You want to put him at ease right away by explaining to him what it is you want to share with him.

Emotionally Unavailable Men: The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate to how much you’re willing to share with how you feel.

You say, “When we were out Friday night, you said something about the trip. I was wondering if we can talk about that more on Sunday.” You’re not putting him on the spot right now. You’re giving him a heads-up notice that you want to have a deeper discussion about a comment he made and what the comment is and the topic is and when you want to talk about it. Then he’ll say, “That will be fine.” At least he’s set up so that he can think about what he said and he’s prepared to talk to you so he doesn’t feel sabotaged. He doesn’t feel attacked. He doesn’t feel taken off guard. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt. You’re also showing respect by not dumping that on him like, “I want to talk to you,” and maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe you’re in the car going to someplace. If you start that conversation, it’s going to result in an argument. That’s why you want to use responsible communication, to create more intimacy, to create more emotional availability.

You can do this together, you can build this relationship together. Even if you start off with a little emotional unavailability, you can build it together, but you need to know the signs. If he withdraws, it’s a sign that something’s going on and you can signal him by asking him for an appointment to talk about it so that he can share what’s going on with him. When he does that, you want to be careful not to interrupt him, not to take it personal, and not to make any assumptions. You need to let him talk until he’s done talking. I always recommend repeating back what he shared with you until he feels that he was heard. When you do that, you’re going to develop so much intimacy that he’s going to be reluctant to withdraw again. You’ve made it safe for him to stay in the relationship and share how he feels because you are going to become defensive or accusatory. You’re not going to interrupt him. You’re going to make it safe for him to share. That’s how you create intimacy fast.

Take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

What you don’t want to do is withdraw or retaliate using childish ego-based defensive reaction, like not talking to him for a couple of days. That’s called a violation of emotional distance. That’s very harmful. When somebody withdraws their affection or their attention from you, for the level of intimacy you share. If you’re in a relationship, it’s very painful. It’s like giving somebody the cold shoulder. It’s dysfunctional, it’s immature and it has to stop. You cannot do that in a relationship if you want it to last. You need to respect each other’s boundaries by asking for those appointments when you feel that he’s withdrawing. Another way to tell if a man’s emotionally unavailable is if he’s reluctant to share on a deeper level about anything at all. If he wants to keep things on the surface. If he avoids talking about things that are important to you, then that would be a sign that he’s choosing not to be emotionally available or he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available.

If he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available, you can go first by making yourself more available. I’ll tell you how to do that right now. The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate by how much you’re willing to share with how you feel, about your feelings. If you want to experience more emotional intimacy with the man, you need to be more emotionally honest and intimate with him. That means sharing things that are scary for you to share like your fears around whatever is coming up for you. Your fears about moving in together. Your fears around the future or maybe some insecurities you’re feeling. It’s highly functional to share intimate details about how you’re feeling so that he can see that vulnerable side of you and so that you can bond and get closer.

It's healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you're in a relationship. Click To Tweet

Another piece of that is if you don’t share those things, he’s going to see you like a cold fish. He’s going to see you as not having any warmth and not having any depth. Men are looking for warmth. They are looking for depth. Don’t look at that as a weakness. That’s a strength. Being vulnerable has so much strength in it. Make sure that you don’t hesitate to share those vulnerable feelings because it will endear him to you. The more you want emotional intimacy, the more truth you must be willing to share. Which is why it’s very emotionally mature to agree to disagree because you’re not going to agree on everything. You don’t want to hold back because you don’t agree with him. You certainly don’t want to argue about it, but you can say things like, “That’s an interesting perspective. I don’t have that same perspective at all. I think very differently about that, but I respect where you’re coming from.” You’re agreeing to disagree with him. You don’t have to agree with everything he says, but you don’t want to suppress your true feelings and be a doormat and turn yourself into a pretzel and be so agreeable that you don’t even have an opinion. It’s how you do it, how you say things and how you express yourself is the most important part that I want you to hear.

Using a soft tone when you’re saying that or even a playful fun tone like, “I don’t know about that. I am not buying into that. I think that’s more your way of thinking but not mine. I respect your opinion but this is the way I feel.” You say that not needing them to approve of you and not needing them to accept your opinion, but definitely needing them to hear you out. If you use the right tone in the right way, they will hear you out and they will respect you for it. It’s healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you’re in a relationship because you’re not these two halves coming together to make a whole. That’s a dysfunctional relationship paradigm. What you are is two holes coming together, standing side by side like the infinity symbol. That’s what we’re going for. Two holes side by side, not overlapping, not being codependent, not meshing with each other, but having a lot of emotional intimacy right next to each other. I want to close with this. It takes a lot of courage to be emotionally intimate and you have plenty of courage. You have to use enough of it and it takes practice. Practice leads to mastery in any area of your life. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out because the worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to learn something and you’re going to grow and expand because of it.

Thank you for tuning in. If you like the content, please like, share and subscribe to my channel. Share it with your friends so that they can get in on the information as well and you can create a tribe of emotionally available women and practice that intimacy with them.

Be sure to take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

Jaki

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : connection, Emotionally Unavailable Men, intimacy, relationship, self-love

He’s HOT/COLD

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· September 17, 2019

· No Comments

One day he comes on strong and totally into you. The next day, he becomes cold and confusing. How do you keep on playing this game when dating or in a relationship, or maybe, how do you stop the game? Sometimes, this kind of set-up only leads us at the losing end. We start to question ourselves in the process when the problem tends to not be our fault. Jaki hands us the key to understanding what is happening so we can free ourselves from the cycle of control and fear.

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Watch the episode here:

He’s HOT/COLD

I wanted to talk about when a guy comes on strong, he’s into you and then he goes cold and it causes a lot of confusion. I know you may have experienced this and it certainly is a game that gets played when you’re dating and in relationships and it’s dysfunctional. Let’s just go over what it is. One minute, things are going along. You’ve got this band here, you’re going back and forth and you feel something’s happening and you start enjoying the attention that you’re receiving from a man. The next thing you know, he pulls back and he withdraws into his cave and you’re left wondering, “What did I do?” You start to question yourself and think that you did something wrong. You start to go into thinking about what you said and what you did. This behavior is extreme when a man withdraws like that and it’s about power play whether you call it push and pull and hot or cold, it’s all the same. What it does is it leaves you feeling frustrated and confused.

Control

The key is to understand what’s happening so that if you feel caught into this cycle because it’s a pattern in a cycle, all about control and fear, then you can quickly recognize it for what it is. There are a couple of things you can do. You can use the skills and tools that I teach in my program to become more intimate about what’s happening and invite a conversation. That person that’s doing this, the man that’s doing this, is incapable or interested in having this conversation because he’s using this behavior as a way to control you. Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously, what happens is it creates a longing and it creates a pursuit. As soon as he pulls away, it activates this feeling like, “I have to have him.” What you want to do is reach out and pursue. That’s usually what you do. You go, “I’m just going to send him a quick little text and see what he’s up to.” You might make up some excuse like, “He’s just busy at work.” Some of these rational lies that we tell ourselves to try to justify this emotional unavailability.

If you're in this tug of war with the man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Click To Tweet

You might say that he’s sorting out his last relationship or he’s busy at work. He’s got a big project or his kids need him right now. Those are all rational lies that your mind tells you in order to prevent you from seeing what’s going on because your mind is trying to protect you from any painful experiences. In a way, what happens is your mind is protecting you but it’s keeping out some valuable information. I know you’re going to remember this and it’s going to help you in the future. There’s that saying, “Flee and they follow, follow and they flee.” This is what happens. There is this push and pull that happens. What happens is when you start to get close to somebody and things are going well and there are some mutual affection and some attention, you enjoy that and it feels good and you want more of that. It starts to make you long for some relationship stability. You do want that. You start to move in that direction.

What happens is when a man pulls away, it creates an automatic response in you to chase him because you want to get back into this feeling. You want to be the object of his affection and his attention that felt good. This phase is like a corral. It’s the hot phase and it’s designed to get you in the gate that leads to the corral where later you’ll be harnessed. I read that on the internet. It’s created to get the hook in your mouth and you win. That’s the hot phase. The cold phase is designed to make you long for more attention so that you’ll pursue. Both of the phases are dysfunctional. When you get into this phase with a man, you may not realize it but what you’ve done by pursuing a man is you’ve submitted to a man’s emotional and psychological need to control you. A lot of that comes from needing to control to feel safe. I’m not necessarily saying it’s bad, it’s just definitely something you need to be aware of so that you can cope with it. It’s a dance and it has a cycle. It’s like this push and pull.

Comfort And Discomfort; Power And Intimacy

He’ll pull away, you’ll pursue him and then he’ll back up. You’ll back up and then he’ll come towards you and it goes on and on until you become aware of the pattern. There is a difference between when a relationship has a little hiccup, when you’re first seeing each other and you like each other and you’re starting to feel vulnerable. Those are normal healthy feelings. It’s natural to feel for a man to maybe withdraw and maybe consider his position and consider his feelings. When that happens and you have a certain level of intimacy, then you want to invite a conversation and ask that man to talk to you about the pulling away. You want to create more intimacy in that moment and not more distance because if there’s distance then it’s just a game. When you’re in a relationship and a man is emotionally invested in you, then he’s going to want to have that conversation with you even though it’s an awkward conversation.

What happens is you’ll go from a phase of comfort and then you’ll get closer and then you go through a phase of discomfort because your zone is growing. You’re out of your comfort zone. You’ll go from comfort to discomfort back to comfort again, only your zone has grown and that’s called a paradigm shift. If you go from comfort to discomfort and you don’t go back to that zone again, then that means that the relationship is not going to develop. A man that’s playing that hot and cold game has burst of hot but it doesn’t result in any forward momentum. That’s the problem. It’s a game. It’s hot and cold and that’s exciting for them because they have this control over you, but the root cause of this behavior is it’s a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable and it’s love. He is trying to gain control over the uncontrollable which is love.

A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love. He’s going to dip his toe into that pool and he’s going to toy around with it, but he’s never going to commit to it because he’s too afraid of getting hurt. He has trust issues. He has fear of intimacy and you can’t continue to pursue him because you just push them further away. It makes us feel that a man has all the power, but the real power is in the intimacy. Real power is in intimacy and your ability to maintain contact in an intimate way. That’s where the real power comes. If you have that inner strength and confidence, you don’t have any fear of being open and honest with him when he pulls away because you know and you recognize that this is an opportunity to get closer. If he doesn’t take that opportunity, that’s a sure sign that he’s playing the game. He’s exerting that control so that he cannot get hurt, not get his feet wet, not jumping into the pool with you and go swimming into the deep end.

He’s going to play it safe and that’s dysfunctional especially if you’re looking for a relationship and a life partner. Just having an awareness about this game is going to help you because when it happens to you, you’re going to recognize it for what it is. That’s how you turn the table in your favor is by recognizing it. I talked to one of my clients and she reached out to me and I wanted to give her some support. She’s working in my program and she said that she’s dating a man. They’ve got close and she talked to him about what she was looking for and what she wants in long-term. She wants to get married and have children. He said that he didn’t think he would be ready for that and she said, “That’s what I want. Now that you know, you can reach out to me or not but I’m not going to pursue you.” He said, “Okay, fair enough.” A couple of days went by and he called her and she’s at dinner, so she answers the phone. She has a quick chat with him. He just called to say hi and that’s when she called me and she’s like, “What should I do?” She goes, “I think I’m going to send him a text tomorrow morning.” I’m like, “No, this is exactly what’s going on. He’s doing this hot and cold behavior.”

Hot And Cold: A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love.

He waits three days, he calls her and then it initiates that yearning and that longing to be the center of his attention again where she’s giving up her own ability to nurture and take care of her emotional needs. She’s looking for another person, some external source for that so she gets back into the game. The system kicks in again and there goes the pattern. She’s going to send him a text and now they’re back in this dance. Another two weeks will go by and that’s what happens. You lose time and that’s why you want to be aware of this and make sure that you don’t get stuck in it. If you are, know that this awareness of reading to this blog, if it’s resonating with you, this is your first step in changing and shifting that pattern and stepping into something more functional for yourself.

Once you recognize the pattern, you gain freedom from it. If you are in this pattern, know that all you have to do is stop contacting him and wait long enough for him to come back around if he’s going to and you’ll have your answer or you can simply set an appointment to talk to him. That’s what I think is the most functional. Say, “Do you have a few minutes tomorrow night? I’d love to sit down and talk to you a little bit about what’s going on.” If he makes that appointment, then you have something. You have someone that’s not afraid to be intimate and real because that’s what it’s all about. This person doesn’t want to be real. He just wants to play a game. It’s important that you ask these questions and that’s why it’s important and I encourage all of you to ask as many questions as you can before you get emotionally invested. It’s so much easier from that place to be curious about somebody and why they do what they do.

Playing Tug-Of-War

I’m going to be offering tons of support answering these questions and creating a lot of training about all these different scenarios in my program, my Engaged at Any Age year-long program that I am sending out emails and creating training and create this invitation so that we can work together. I’m very passionate about helping all of you become more intimate in your relationship so that you can have that deep, juicy, soulful relationship that all of you are reaching out to me and telling me you want. It’s going to require a little work. You’re going to have to shift out of your comfort zone and step out of that fearful place that you’re at and take some emotional risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the game.

If you’re in this tug of war with a man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Cut your losses. Your time is better spent with someone who’s more functional. If you ask for that conversation and you get a reaction of anger or defensiveness or they’re giving you a guilt trip saying, “I’m working a lot.” This is revealing a lot to you so you want to ask those questions and take note of their response. If he doesn’t respond to you or shuts down, there’s information in that that you need to look at. Make sure you go ahead and ask the question. Have the courage to ask the question. If you don’t get a response, then that’s your answer. That person doesn’t have the skill set to have the type of relationship that you want because you just use a lot of emotional courage to ask these questions in the first place. You’re making yourself vulnerable to him so that you can go deeper. If he doesn’t respond to that, then that lets you know something that you need to know about that man.

Extended Travel Experiences

Anybody that’s straightforward and honest is somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. Anybody that is playing games in lieu of the ability to be real is not somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. I have some questions here, “He stopped calling. I was reaching out and still being open. I offered to talk but he’s avoided it repeatedly. I want a man who wants me and is clear that he wants me. He’s the one who brought all the commitment talks at day one that’s why I opened it up in the beginning?” There’s nothing you can do and there’s nothing you should do because he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in going deeper. He’s in fear. He got triggered and he’s afraid. That’s what you know for sure.

What is he going to do with that fear? He’s either going to remain out of contact with you or he’s going to step forward. You need to know that information about him. That’s telling you a lot about how he’s going to be in a relationship with you. As painful as it is when someone does this, it lets you know the level of intimacy that they’re capable of at the moment. I would say you got close with him but your timing’s off. Don’t get discouraged. Look at this as like, “I attracted somebody and we got close. I’m one step closer because I made myself vulnerable and I know how to do that.” I want you to continue to practice that level of vulnerability because when you do that, there’s strength in it. Because you’re being honest and you’re speaking your truth of what you want. The universe will rise up and meet you with the match to that vibration. That’s why you don’t want to pull back and shut your heart down. You will have to let this one go so the next one can come in. That’s what I want you to do.

Here’s the question that I want to answer. A gal wants to know, she has photos of extended travel experiences in India, Iceland, Italy, walking through Portugal, a month-long stay in the Netherlands. Is that too much?” I would say yes. That’s too much to put on your profile because you could trigger the scammers. It would trigger a scammer so I wouldn’t put all of that. One or two pictures of travel. You want to create enough intrigue for them to reach out to you but not give them the whole story. If you’re oversharing in your profile, it could intimidate men or invite those scammers to pursue you and you don’t want that. That’s an overshare. That information is what you want to leave your date. Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama and you don’t want that.

Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It's not a man's job to make you feel better. Click To Tweet

The other question that she had, someone writes on your photos and they comment on them and she responds back with a pleasant manner and then that’s it. Here’s the problem with that, when somebody makes a comment on your pictures, on your profile, that’s an awesome opportunity for you to ask a question back. I had this I woman I talked to and she said that there was a man with a picture of his dogs. She commented on his dogs and I said, “What did you say?” She said, “I love that breed. That’s one of my favorite breed of dogs.” I’m like, “That’s it?” She didn’t ask a question that begs for an answer. I’m like, “You missed an opportunity.” Make sure you’re asking questions. If he makes a comment on your profile like, “Nice dress or great legs or whatever.” You can say, “That dress brings back a lot of great memories. I was up in San Francisco when I bought it. Have you been to the city?” or something like that. Lead it into a conversation so that he has to respond to you and answer your question. Use those comments on your pictures to create more banter that will hopefully lead to a date. It’s always questions. Ask a lot of questions and that’s how you’ll get answers and connection.

Reaching Out To A Man

The next question is, “Is it okay to reach out to a man on a dating site?” “Absolutely.” That’s what it’s all about. You’ve got to get good at this banter. When you’re reaching out to a man on a dating site, it’s not a date it’s like flirting with a man on a networking event. You’re just saying, “How are you? What’s Your Business? What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” You strike up conversations with strangers. You’re not getting courted until they ask you out but you can tee it up. You can let them know that you’re interested by engaging them on instant messaging and by sending an email. You send an email and it’s just a little note. It’s a question and a comment. You look at their profile and comment. Maybe they’re leaning up against a cool car. It seems that men love to put pictures of them leaning up against a cool car. You can say something about the car and then ask him a question. Ask him a question like, “How fast does that car can go?” Ask questions and be playful about it.

These questions need to be lighthearted and fun and almost teasing a little bit. A little mischievous. A little good banter goes a long way because it’s already awkward enough. You are flirting with a perfect stranger but what you’ll do is intrigue them enough to reach out and continue the conversation. I recommend doing this on instant message. It’s a good way to practice if you’re feeling sensitive, shy, and nervous about doing that. A good place to practice is instant messaging on your dating sites. What you do is you’ll just practice sending little notes to men that are online at the same time you are. With the intention of going back and forth a little bit and then saying, “I’ve got to run. Nice talking to you.” Get off the call, get off the instant messenger and then leave it up to them to contact you. They looked at your profile, they know how to get ahold of you. I would do this three or four times when you’re online, but the key is to only do it with men that are online at the same time that you’re online.

Hot And Cold: Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama you would not want.

Power In Triggers

You don’t want to send emails to people that aren’t online. I recommend you do that as well but this is a strategy to help you get out of your comfort zone to create engagement and to have fun with it and you’re not looking for them to ask you out. You’re saying, “I’ve got to run. Great connecting.” Give him a little wink and then that’s it. It’s up to them to pursue you but you’ve set it up. I recommend this because it will help you to desensitize yourself about this whole dating process. I know it triggers a lot of fear and a lot of fear of rejection. That’s what it triggers and bring it on. Let those triggers come up because there’s power in those triggers. There’s information in those triggers. Your emotional triggers tell you something about you that you need to look at. You want to ask yourself this question, “What do my emotional triggers tell me about me?” If you’re triggered, then it’s something that’s going on inside of you. Usually, it’s a fear of rejection. Don’t reject yourself in the process. When you feel that, you want to look and ask yourself, “What is going on with me? What is my emotional trigger trying to tell me about me?” Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”

Follow it to its source. Get to the bottom of it. Get to the root cause of what makes you feel that way because it can be very disempowering. If you don’t take action to feel better, then it’s on you. That is your responsibility. Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It’s not a man’s job to make you feel better, it’s yours. What Michael and I have is I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me and that’s a highly functional way to look at dating. Your emotional needs are just that. They’re your emotional needs so when you feel those needs come up, make sure you meet them and don’t abandon yourself in the dating process and then have the audacity to blame men for your emotional instability. The dating process is a fabulous way to do a lot of deep emotional work because it brings up a lot of things that you need to clear up anyway. You’re becoming a highly functional and emotionally mature woman and you’re getting a man at the same time. I say that that’s fantastic and it’s going to take as long as it takes.

Practice Receiving

The sooner you start working through these emotional triggers and understanding the game of hot and cold, the better you’re going to be in a relationship and the more space you can hold for that relationship. Let me answer this one last question. “I let a guy open the door for me this week. I felt proud because you popped into my mind while your voice was always saying, practice receiving and let men do things for you.” Yes, receive, “I receive. I receive. I receive.” That’s the mantra. Let a man come to you. You can drop the hanky, do that online flirting, but make sure that you are allowing what you’re asking for to come in by not pursuing men because they will pursue. They love a good chase. Give him one. Give them a run for their money and they’ll love that. The more you do that, the more fun it is for everybody and the more potential for a relationship. Because men love a challenge and they want to win you. When you don’t stay in receiving mode, they can lose interest.

It feels good to have a man step into his power. They want to step into their power and if we don’t hold that space, then we disempower them by acting on opening our doors and getting things that they can get for us. You want to keep that balance in the feminine-masculine energy moving along beautifully by staying in your receiving mode. I’m going to leave you with the mantra, “I receive,” because you’re worth it and you deserve it. You deserve to have everything you want. There is nothing that you should or shouldn’t want. You should expect to get what you want. That’s what I want you to hear. Expect to get what you want but you have to ask for it. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for being here. Please send me your questions so that I can make more training videos for you. Lots of love.

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : connection, Control, dating, Hot And Cold, intimacy, relationship

Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· May 28, 2019

· No Comments

Nothing is more thrilling in life than having a man chase you. It can be exciting, fun, mysterious, and scary. It just gets all the juices flowing. You definitely want to give a man a good chase for his money because men want to win. They want to win and they want to win you, and you can’t make it too easy for them because they’ll lose interest and find somebody else. Jaki shares some real-life skills that you need to learn and understand so you can stop chasing men and have them chase you instead.

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

I’m creating these series for you to support you to calling in your soul mate. This is my favorite topic. I say that about everything I talk about, but I love this topic, how to stop chasing men and have them chasing you. Nothing is more thrilling in life than having a man chase you. It can be exciting, fun, mysterious, and scary. It just gets all the juices flowing, that’s for sure. You definitely want to give a man a good chase for his money because men want to win. They want to win and they want to win you, and you can’t make it too easy for them because then they’ll lose interest and they’ll find somebody else who will. It’s not a game. Nothing that I teach or the strategies that I talk about are games. These are real-life skills that you need to learn and understand how men aren’t much different than we are. If we cultivate our own feminine qualities in ourselves, then we can show up in a way that is a compliment to the man and that’s what he is looking for. He’s looking for that compliment.

Engage Them A Little Bit

I want to start off with a story. I’ll tell you about one of my clients and this is a great story. You’re going to love it. She was just newly divorced. Literally, the divorce papers came and she was very distraught and she had called me up and said, “I want to do a VIP weekend.” It was snowing and it was ski season and I knew that she skied and I said, “Why don’t we go up to Mammoth for a ski weekend so that I can support you?” I did that. I flew into where she was. We drove up to Mammoth and had a weekend skiing. She was newly single and I was her wing woman. We went out to a bar that night and it was packed full of men. The mountain was full. There were men everywhere and a couple of men came right up to us and started talking to both of us. This one man was interested in her. He was talking to her. I had already coached her on what to do. She was talking to him, but then what I told her to do is go ahead and engage them a little bit, but make sure you turn back and talk to me. Don’t just keep talking to him because that’s what she used to do.

She did that. She was talking to him. Then she turned her back and started talking to me. What happened was in that moment he started talking to his friend, but he was also looking over at us. What I want you to know here, if you’re out in a social setting, this can help. It’s okay to approach men or be approached by men. That’s okay, but you don’t want to overly engage them. This little strategy is if they come up to you or you go up to them, that’s okay. You can say, “I noticed that you guys came in with that big group. Are you here as a part of the convention?” or whatever is applicable. Then after you get a little connected, then you turn back to your friend and you re-engage her. What this does is it creates a little tension because you connected and then you did a takeaway, now you disconnect.

The way to really know if a man is interested in you is to see how much he pursues you. Click To Tweet

What this does and why this is important for you to know is that at that moment, this man now feels that disconnect. He feels that takeaway and men do not like that. They want to win. You just created a little challenge for him to re-engage you. If he doesn’t reengage you, then he’s either intimidated or he’s not interested or you didn’t give them enough of the signal. You definitely want to give them enough of a conversation where you talk a little bit and then turn back to your friend. This is what she did. She did it perfectly. She turned back to me, we were talking and then they re-engaged us. Then I knew it was game on. I knew the tension was gone. They were interested. They engaged us. They asked us to join them for dinner and it was snowing out. We went and sat down and had a little bite to eat with them. The long story short, by the end of the weekend, this man was smitten with my friend. I remember on the way driving back home, he was calling her cell phone and I said, “Don’t get the phone.”

She’s like, “What do you mean? I need to answer this phone. I like him. I want to see him again.” He lived in the same city that she did. I said, “That’s the whole thing. If you want to see him again, don’t answer the phone.” She was dying. She was like, “I have to answer this.” I’m like, “Don’t do it. You’ll kill the deal,” so she didn’t answer the phone. She’s like, “I just can’t believe anybody would do this.” I’m like, “That’s why I’m your coach.” Sure enough, it was a two-and-a-half-hour drive. By the time we got home, there was a voicemail from him saying that he wanted to talk with her. That he was going on a trip. He wants her to go with him. He had all these plans for her. That created a lot of tension.

The fact that she didn’t take his call, she was busy in the car with me and then she listened to the voicemail. The tension was on because not only did she not take the call, she didn’t call him back for several hours. Then she did return his call later that night and they had a great conversation. They ended up dating for about a year. It was good that she was following the coaching because what she wanted to do was engage them. She’s like, “These guys talk like us. Let’s continue to talk to them.” She would have made all those mistakes that maybe you’ve made in the past. I hope that little insight helps when you’re out and about. If you want to engage a man, follow that little tip.

Stop Chasing Men: The key is to stay in a receiving mode. Lean back and let him come to you.

Some Things You Could Be Doing Without Even Realizing You’re Chasing Men

Some things that are not so subtle is when we’re chasing men, you might say, “I don’t chase men.” I might say, “I think you do.” Here are some things that are subtler that you could be doing without even realizing that you’re chasing men. If you’re out on a date or you work with somebody, you may offer to do something for him. You’re out on a date. Things are going well, you’re having a great conversation. He’s interested in knowing more about this meditation or a hobby that you have that is intriguing to him. You might say, “I’d be happy to send you the link for that or send you that information.” That is chasing right there. You just took the tension off. You’re now setting up to do something for him. You’re providing something for him. You’d taken away his job. He is the provider. At that moment, he wants to provide for you/ By you offering to do something for him, you’ve made it so that he can’t win. That’s a subtle thing that women do to chase men. It pushes men away. They don’t need you to send them a link. They’re interested because you’re passionate about it, not necessarily that they want to want to do it as well. That’s a big mistake that women make that think that they’re not chasing men.

Another thing that you can do that’s very subtle that doesn’t feel like chasing is unintentionally and accidentally inviting yourself to do things with him. Say you’re on a date again or you’re on the phone. This could happen on the phone easily. He’s talking about how much he loves sports and he’s going to the Padres game and you’re just in conversation. You’re not even aware that this comes out of your mouth. You might say, “I would love to go to the Padres game.” You’re chasing. He’s backing up now because now you’re chasing him. That’s the thing with backing up. There’s body language. When you lean in like that, he backs up. The key is to stay in this receiving mode that I’ve been talking about, leaning back, and letting him come to you. The answer to that question, if he’s talking about this game and he loves sports and he’s going on about the Padres or whatever, you say, “I love how passionate you are about sports. That is amazing. That’s interesting to me.” That’s it. You just show interest in it and then leave that question mark hanging there. You gave him a green light to ask you to go to a Padres game without inviting yourself. That’s how you get invited.

Another way that’s not so obvious is overstaying phone calls, texts, and in person. I have another client that made this fatal error and you might’ve done it yourself and I know we’ve all made these mistakes. She was asked out. It was the first date. It went extremely well. They went to a beautiful restaurant overlooking the ocean. It was a wonderful date with him at the restaurant and she was excited. She got home and emailed me and said, “I had such a fantastic time. He’s incredible.” Guess what? He didn’t call her back. As soon as she told me that she had spent five or six hours at this restaurant and they had an amazing time, 85% of me was saying he’s not going to call her back. Why didn’t he call her back if they had such an amazing time? He was having a good time and they connected. It’s because she was just too available. She had no place to go so she just stayed with him all day. Her stock went down at that moment. You had like all this stock when you show up in the date and increment by increment, your stock is dropping by your behavior and you unintentionally sabotage yourself because you don’t know this.

The big mistake that women make is not engaging in those instant messages in a more intimate way. Click To Tweet

Why Women Don’t Get Asked Out On Second Dates

What would have been a better scenario for her? Even if she was enjoying herself and he’s an amazing man is after two and a half hours, if it was amazing, after that say, “It’s been lovely. I’ve enjoyed this time. Thank you for the wonderful meal and I’ve got to get running. It was great. I’d love to do it again.” You’re letting him know that if he asks you out again, you would say yes. Then you get up and you leave and you let him watch you leave if it’s appropriate. Sometimes they’ll walk you to the door, walk you to the car and walk out to the valet. If you do walk out together and you’re going to the valet, even these little things, men pick up on all these little things. When your car comes, you just wave to him. “Bye. Thanks,” and you hop in your car and you don’t look back and you drive away. You need to keep the tension on. You need to keep him guessing just a little.

You’ve made it clear during the course of your time with him that you’re interested in him by your whole demeanor. By just getting in your car and driving away and not looking back, you’re keeping that tension on. Now, he’s interested in seeing you again. He’s excited about you because you remained a little bit mysterious. He wonders where you’re going and what you’re doing at that moment, but if you overstay on those dates or in phone conversations, you’ve answered so many questions for him. He loses interest. You’ve told them the whole story. There’s no reason to ask you out on a second date. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons that women don’t get asked out on second dates. There’s another reason why you don’t get asked on second dates and that’s because you lack boundaries. Boundaries are gold. They are gold and they’re hot. Men love a woman with healthy boundaries and it means having a little bit of sass. It doesn’t mean being cocky. That’s too strong of a word, but it’s being a little sassy.

Where that’s sass can come from? It’s from you knowing what you like and what you don’t like and not settling for doing something that you don’t want to do. In other words, it’s not being a yes woman, saying yes to everything. If you’re sitting there on a date and you’re saying, “Yes, that’s great. Yes, I agree with that. Sure. That’s fine. Order that”, yes to everything, he’s over there yawning. He can’t wait to get out of there. It’s boring and you’re not showing any individuality. You want to be agreeable. You think you’re being nice, but where you’re doing is shutting him down because he wants to know what your feelings are about things he’s interested in you.

Stop Chasing Men: Give him the opportunity to like you. Don’t close the gap too soon that you’re not leaving any tension.

For example, you go into a restaurant and maybe he’s waiting there for you and he’s sitting at a table, but you noticed that there’s a booth available. I’ve done this before and you’d rather sit in the booth. It’s okay to go up and greet him, do your greeting and then say to him, “It’s kind of loud in here.” You can lean in a little and say, “If we moved over to that booth, do you think that would be okay?” At that moment, he gets to win. He gets to go out and find out if that booth is available and get that booth for you and if it is available, he’s going to get that booth for you. He just won and he’s your hero now and now you’re in the booth. You’re like, “This is much better. I can hear you so much better. Thank you so much.” It’s okay to do that. What’s not okay is to walk in and be like, “I don’t want to sit here. It’s not very comfortable,” and start complaining about it.

You want to involve him into your vision in a gentle way, but you can certainly redirect that table. That’s having a little confidence. It’s having a little sass. It’s definitely working on your boundaries and not being afraid to share your opinions. Stay away from politics and religion on dates. Let me give you some other examples. If you want a man to chase you, there are certain qualities that a woman possessed that all men find irresistible. They’re naturally going to chase you if you can cultivate these qualities in yourself. You already have all of these qualities. They’re just muscles that have atrophied because you haven’t been using them and maybe it’s because you’ve been spending too much time in your masculine energy and maybe it’s because you just haven’t practiced enough. It does work and it’s a more natural way for men and women to connect.

Lean Back Like A Queen On A Throne

I was saying just lean back. What we’re doing is we’re creating a space of love for a man to come into. Men love to come into a woman’s space of love, but you have to stay in that space because once you lean forward or try to take the lead, there’s no space because that blocks him from coming in. What that looks like is just leaning back in your chair with your body language, not leaning forward in the conversation. You could sit up and be animated like I am, but make sure that for the most part, your posture is relaxed and you’re leaning back and you’re smiling and it’s just being graceful. It’s having a grace about you. It’s showing qualities of unconditional love and acceptance. A man is looking for a woman who’s accepting especially with him. Men can tell when we’re judging. Say the guy shows up and he’s shorter than you thought he was going to be, or he has less hair or whatever is going on. It wasn’t something that you were prepared for. A woman who’s in her feminine energy is going to roll with that. It’s not going to bother her at all. She’s going to look at him and accept him because he’s another human being and you want to focus on the being, not necessarily the behaviors. You’re looking to show up in a more accepting way, a more loved-based approach to everything, leaning back and showing your intelligence, not leading with your intellect but you’re not dimming that light at all.

All of your mistakes in life have been lessons. If you learn from them, that can be the short path. Click To Tweet

It’s like a queen that sits on a throne. She’s gentle, she’s kind, and she’s empathetic. She’s listening. She’s a skilled communicator. It’s just a building up that inner queen that we all have in us. You just have to practice this by going on dates. I know a lot of women say, “I don’t want to do any practice dates,” but these men are willing to show up and give you the opportunity to practice on them. What if you make a couple of mistakes the first time? As soon as you notice you’re taking over, you can just lean back. I would recommend going on a couple of practice dates and practicing that skill. I do have a couple of questions that I wanted to answer. The first question is playing games. She said, “I hate playing games, but I feel like because I’m strong, confident, and know my own mind, I come on too strong. I’ve been told to let the guy do the chasing, play hard to get, but if I know what and who I want, I go for it and then scare them off. I need a better approach with guys that I’m interested in.” We already covered that. You do need a better approach because what you’re doing isn’t working. Men want to engage you. They want to do the chasing.

If you know you like a man, all the better. It isn’t a game, but if you like him, now you have to see if he likes you. That’s the thing. To answer this question, the problem is that you’re not giving him the opportunity to like you because you’re closing the gap too soon. You’re not leaving any tension. If you decide you like a guy, then you go for it. He hasn’t made up his mind if he likes you or not, and then you’re pursuing him and I can see why that would be a dead end for you. You’re definitely leading with that pursuit energy. If you like a guy, that’s great. Lean back and see what he does because, in that moment of watching in the unknown, I know it’s uncomfortable because you’re out of your comfort zone and you feel vulnerable. In those moments, you will discover how he feels about you. That is the information that you need to know. You need to know how he feels about you, but you’re not going to find out if you pursue him because he’s going to run away. You’ll never know.

How To Know If He’s Interested In You

The way to know if a man is interested in you is to see how much he pursues you. Just like my client who turned away and then didn’t answer the call, these are all tests to see how interested he was. Men respond to no contact. I know that sounds crazy, but at the beginning of dating, you need to know right up front because I don’t want you to waste any time because I want you to get engaged at any age and time is precious. You need to know right up front where he stands. He will reveal who he is in the very first couple of hours, a couple of days right away if you give him that opportunity. What happens with women is we get afraid that we’re going to lose them or they’re going to get away. As soon as we think that they like us, then our impulse kicks in and now we’re leaning forward and we’re chasing and that’s how we sabotage it.

Stop Chasing Men: If you’re serious about having a committed relationship, make that internal commitment to yourself to not have casual sex because you’re choosing something bigger for yourself.

Even if a guy starts out liking you, just like the woman at brunch, by the end of the day, she sabotaged the whole process because she had him on the hook, but then she left too much line. She didn’t create that tension so that she can reel him in. It’s an art. It’s a skill set that you can teach yourself, but you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone to do it. You have to be willing to do things that you haven’t done before in order for you to have what you want. Let’s look at another question. “If I’m messaging someone on Match, is it too forward for me to ask him to meet if he seems to just want to message?” “No.” In modern dating, it’s wonderful for you to tee it up. You’re not on a date. It’s totally acceptable, especially online to go ahead and say something because you don’t want to be in an instant message relationship. You don’t want an email or text relationship. What that would look like is if you notice something in his profile. He said, “I like walking on the beach as well.” You go share a couple of intimate details. If you want him to call you, the part about that instant message, it’s important that you reveal more intimacy so that he’s intrigued.

If he says, “I’ve been to the beach,” you’re instant messaging. He writes about himself, he’s been to this beach and he loves the sunset. I want you to write back, “I love the beach because I love to put my feet in the sand and I love the way that feels. It relaxes me.” At that moment it just gives me the feeling that everything in life is okay. At that moment, everything just seemed to gel for me. If you could just get real with him in an instant message and get more descriptive, paint a vision of what you’re like and the essence of who you are, he’s going to be very captivated by that. He might respond one more time, three back and forth, and then you can say, “I’d love to hear more about that. How do you suggest we move forward?” You just pass the ball over to him. You’re not asking them out, but you’re indirectly letting him know that you’d like to talk to him. Now, it’s up to him to respond to you. If he does not say, “Let’s jump on the phone,” you walk away. You just move on to the next one because you’ve put it all in his court and you’ve done it in a graceful way.

You only need the one and the right man. Click To Tweet

It’s not taking the masculine but you’re not on there to have an instant message relationship. You need to create the boundary that this is all you’re going to get. Create that intimacy. The tension is you need to call me now and set it up and then he’s going to get on the phone with you. Was that helpful? That’s confusing for women. The big mistake that women make is not engaging in those instant messages in a more intimate way. I’m not talking sexually. Be very careful here. Playful, sassy, and more intimate in terms of the details. How you’re feeling. Describe it. Describe food you like or why you like it and how it makes you feel and what turns you on. I’m not talking about sexual. I’m just talking about what lights you up, what you’re passionate about. Let that spill over to those instant messages that he’ll be intrigued by you that he’ll want to meet you.

Instant Gratification Versus The Law Of Germination

Let’s take one more question. “I find that intimacy develops too soon and that it’s a huge factor in my chasing a guy. He often backs off and become disinterested while I’m emotionally hooked. Often, a long time ago after a relationship ended, I’m still getting over an ex from a year ago. Even though I know it’s over, whenever I run into him, I still look to see if he misses me. I’m trying to detach, but it’s hard. Chasing stops when a woman is not interested. It’s hard to do when sex has already happened between them.” Absolutely it is because men don’t bond sexually when they have sex with a woman, but women do. That chemical bonding happens when we have sex with a man. That’s why I recommend, if you’re serious about having a committed relationship, then it’s time for you to make that internal commitment to yourself to not have casual sex because you’re choosing something bigger for yourself. It’s foregoing the instant gratification and invoking the law of germination. You’ve got to plant that seed and give it time to grow.

You need to abstain from that initially when you’re dating so that you can see the signals that he’s sending you because you’re giving her a lot of information before you sleep with him. The moment you sleep with him, you go unconscious, you don’t see the signals. You don’t see the flag flying because now you’ve emotionally bonded. It’s a whole different playing field. In her case, she never let him go because she doesn’t believe this is a belief that she’s going to meet anybody else. It comes down to your belief system. You have to look and see, “Because I don’t let go of this man, what do I do?” You look at all the consequences that are stacking up for not letting go. It’s anchored to a belief that somewhere along the line you picked up a belief that you’re not going to meet anybody else and you need to examine that. Stop that belief from continuing to perpetuate itself in your life. Because as long as you don’t release yourself from that belief system, you’re continuing to attract men by the law of attraction to highlight, to trigger that belief so that you can heal it.

That’s why we continue to attract men that aren’t emotionally available, that aren’t going to commit to us because it’s doing that in an attempt to get us to heal that belief system that’s not serving us. What we think is it all men are cheaters. All men leave, all men abandon us, but it’s the reflection of what we believe. This is exactly what I’m going to be teaching in my Bridge to Love Program. You need to get to the core, the root, or the origin of the problem. It is the short path to meeting your soul mate. It’s not the long path. The long path is going to continue to do what you’ve done and get the same result. That’s the long path. The long path that is also for you to look at your mistakes as mistakes. All of your mistakes in life have been lessons. If you learn from them, that can be the short path. Just give yourself a break right now. If you’re listening to this and you recognize that you’ve made some mistakes because when you beat yourself up about these mistakes, it drains your energy and you need that energy.

You need that energy because you need to unconditionally love and accept yourself more than you ever have before in this dating process because the more you love and accept yourself, the more a man will. As soon as you make a mistake, I want you to quickly forgive yourself, accept yourself, and move on. Do not let your mind beat you up because it’s a waste of time that drains energy and it and it will continue to perpetuate the cycle until you learn to stop doing that. This is all that I’m teaching you in the Bridge to Love program. There are incredible bonuses. We’ve got five weeks of jam-packed tools and information. I’m going to help you to take all of the knowledge that you’ve learned. The big problem I see with women is there are amazing women. You’re all are deep. You’ve read every book. You’ve watched every events, these interviews and you’ve done a lot of work. What can happen is you have a lot of intellectual knowledge, but without being able to apply that knowledge, it’s useless. Knowledge without action is useless. I’m all about the action. I’m an Aries, I’m a dragon, and I’ve always been about the action.

I love to take action. It’s easy for me because this part comes naturally for me and that’s why I’m the perfect mentor for you. I want you to just look at that. Think about what I’ve just said. Intellectual knowledge is useless unless you take action. This course is all about helping you to finally use all the information that you’ve gathered over the years. Some incredible wisdom that you have and help you to start to apply it in your life so that you can see the results you want. It’s instantaneous. This is called the fast track program. It is. That’s what I should have called it because I don’t want you to waste another moment going on dates that aren’t producing a relationship. I don’t want to spend any more time swiping or any more time sending out notes. There is a Law of Least Effort that you can invoke right now, and that’s learning these life skills. They’re universal laws of the universe. It’s like gravity. Gravity applies to all of us. If you step off the floor of the second building, we’re all going down.

The Law Of Cause And Effect

The Law of Cause and Effect, you reap what you sow. These Universal Laws, you need to understand what they are because they apply to you. Even if you don’t believe it, then you’re right, but they still apply to you. If you don’t believe in karma, karma still believes in you because it’s science. It’s energy. Likes attract likes. Whatever energy you’re vibrating out, “I’m never going to need a man. All men are jerks,” whatever that energy is, you’re going to be attracting those men in order to confirm that you’re right. There are no good men out there. All men are jerks. Once you heal that part of you, those belief systems, you raise your vibration. You raise your stock. You show up as a sassy queen who knows her worth and knows how to lean back because she trusts that the man is going to come to her. If he doesn’t, then he’s not your guy.

Believe me, you only need one and the right man and you may have been on this treadmill for years and I do not want you to give up because the right man will come along and you won’t have to guess. He will scoop you up so fast as soon as you can stay in the receiving position because that’s what he wants. What comes with the receiving position? What comes with that position is all this incredible juiciness, a lovely essence of who you are. That’s what a man wants to connect with. He doesn’t need to connect to your intellect. He wants to connect to your heart and that’s where he wants to live and he’s out there in the world slaying the dragons. You’ve got to stay in your castle and be the queen so he can be your hero. I know that sounds airy-fairy, but it is simple. It is a skill set that you need to learn and I’m just the girl to teach you.

I hope you’ll take a look at the Bridge to Love. You’ve got an amazing group of team of love coaches that are dying to help you, to guide you and to see you get exactly what you want and get engaged at any age. I worked with women in their 50s, 60s, or 70s. We never stopped wanting love in our life. That yearning is never going to go away. Take the plunge, take the chance, and step out of your comfort zone. The energy of commitment is what you need right now. When you make a commitment to do something, the universe will rise up to meet you. The energy of committing to doing this work with me is making a statement. You’re making a declaration that I’m ready and I’m going to do whatever it takes so that I can have what I want. I hope this was helpful. Don’t chase men. Ladies, you’re all so amazing. Your value cannot be quantified in jobs, in degrees, in titles, and in material possessions. Your value resides in you knowing who you are and when you understand that, you become powerful beyond belief and you will become irresistible. Thank you so much.

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Categories : Attraction, Beliefs, Confidence, Create the Life You Want, Episodes, Relationships

Tags : committed relationship, connection, dating, engagement, intimacy, stop chasing men

Dating After 60: Three Tips To Give You Confidence

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· March 5, 2019

· No Comments

Bette Davis once said that getting old is not for sissies. Many also would like to believe that this applies to dating, most especially when you are dating after 60. As they say, age is just a number. That is why you should never lose the confidence to give yourself that opportunity to find other human connection. While life may have given you enough reasons in the past never to date again, there is still hope that you can move past it. Jaki gives you three great tips to regain that confidence and date even after 60.

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Watch the episode here:

Dating After 60: Three Tips To Give You Confidence

I’m going to talk about dating after 60 and the three tips to give you confidence. As an older woman, you have the power to make the connection that turns into dating opportunity on and offline. Dating after 60 can be fun, but it does require a fundamental shift in thinking. You have to be willing to make the first move. I know that’s awkward for a lot of you women, but hear me out. Betty Davis once said that getting old is not for sissies. Many women would argue that the same comment applies for dating after 60. Not only are there statistically fewer men, but the dynamic of human engagement and style of personal connection has changed dramatically since we were dating in our twenties. Then throw in a lifetime of love and loss that has made you distrustful and unwilling to get back into the dating game. Dating after 60 can be fun and a change in mindset is essential if you want to find romance over 60. This applies for women of all ages so I want you to listen up ladies. You may not realize it but men are often the ones who lack confidence and suffer fear of rejection. Take that into consideration along with these tips for dating after 60. The three tips to give you confidence.

Smile Genuinely

As an older woman, you have the power to make a connection that turns into a dating opportunity on and offline. Tip number one is smiling genuinely. That’s it. I know it sounds so obvious. You’re just looking to make a friendly connection here. You’re not looking for anything more. When you smile friendly at a man, especially a man over 60, you’re sending him a signal that you’re approachable and that you’re easy going. It doesn’t imply that you’re looking for anything. It doesn’t imply you’re hitting on him. You’re just being friendly and it’s so important to establish this friendliness because that sends a signal to a man, especially men over 60 that are experiencing the same challenges. In their lack of confidence, you send them a signal that you’re approachable and you’re friendly and it’s safe to approach you and talk to you.

One of the biggest regrets that we have in life is that we didn't have enough love in our life. Click To Tweet

Ladies, open up. Look around, make sure your head’s up and you’re looking around. If you see a man, make eye contact and give them a friendly, genuine smile. This works standing in line at Starbucks. It works when you go in the elevator. It works when you’re at a doctor’s office. It works when you’re at the valet. Practice it everywhere you go and soon it will be automatic because it opens doors. It opens doors that are closed if you don’t look up and make eye contact and give them that genuine smile. I want you to start practicing that genuine smile wherever you go. If you’re too nervous to start off with men, start off with women. They’re always going to give you a beautiful, warm, receptive smile in return. Then start to do it with men as well and you’re going to see magic happen.

Approach Men First

Tip number two, approaching men first. Strike up a conversation and start asking them things. It can happen effortlessly if you practice it. You’re going to strike up a conversation by saying something in the Starbucks line like, “I’m just going to get plain old coffee, but I know the drinks here are fantastic. What are you getting? What do you recommend? What’s your favorite drink?” If you hear somebody order something, a man, you can say, “What’s that like? I’ve always considered trying it. What do you like about it?” Maybe you’re at the grocery store and you see a man and he has groceries in his cart and you see an item that he has and you can say, “I’ve seen that before and I’ve always wanted to try it. What is it like?” Ask a question because a question begs for an answer. When you approach men first and you start up a conversation, you also opened the door for him to respond to you and then who knows where that’s going to lead?

I want to tell you a fantastic story about a client of mine that did this and now, her whole life has changed. The trajectory of her whole life has changed because of this one skill that she’s been practicing working with me. She went overseas for a month on a beautiful trip and on her way home at the airport, she was standing in the baggage line to check her baggage. There was a man standing behind her and because she’s been practicing these skills, starting with tip number one, which is engaging with a warm smile and tip number two, approaching men first by striking up a conversation, she turned around to the man behind her and just simply said, “How’s your day going?” That’s it. That’s all she said and long story short, they ended up talking and he asked her for coffee. They each had a two hour layover, so they moved over to another area in the airport. They had a cup of coffee. They ended up hitting it off and the next thing you know fast forward to now, they are making plans for a future together. She found her life partner standing in the baggage line at the airport. Love happens fast! I’m so thrilled for her.

She’s 63 years old and he’s the same age. They live in different countries. She doesn’t have a lot of ties here. She’s going to be moving over to join him. Everything just unfolded effortlessly and seamlessly because she is practicing my tools that work. She was ready. She wants romance in her life. She believes in love. She is showing up emotionally and more courageous than ever before and what did it bring her? Everything she’s ever wanted. This man is incredible man. He’s looking for her and he told her, “I’d been looking for you for so long.” Ladies, don’t underestimate the power in this. Men are looking for you. They’re looking for their soul mates too and all you have to do is turn around in a line and strike up a conversation. The next thing you know, you can be on your way to living the life of your dreams. I promise you this works, but you have to work it.

Learn The Art Of Flirting

If you like what I’m sharing, make sure you share, comment and like my page and subscribe to my Engaged at Any Age YouTube channel so that you’ll never miss another episode. Also, share it with your single friends who need these valuable tips so they can get in on the action. The last and final tip I have for you is a great one. Ladies, you have to learn the art of flirting. I know what happens as we get older. We get a little more withdrawn. We get a little more in our own head because of all the experiences we’ve had. Some of them haven’t been very pleasant and so we usually are thinking so much. We’re in our head and we’re not really present to what’s going on around us. We’ve lost our confidence, our mojo when it comes to flirting, but men love being flirted with. It’s really fun once you get the hang of it. What is the art of flirting? It is having the emotional courage to compliment men. You can start with compliment men. Compliment him on his shoes. I saw a man that had these cool shoes on. I was at Nordstrom buying a pair of shoes and he was waiting on me, the shoe salesman. He had these incredible pair of shoes on. I wasn’t flirting with him, but this is a great example that you can use.

I said, “I love your shoes.” They were these classic old-style loafers that I haven’t seen in a long time. I just simply said, “I like your shoes. Those are great.” He responded positively to that and he started telling me about the story of the shoes. There was this whole backstory around his shoes. We began a dialogue and it made the interaction much more enjoyable for both of us. We became friends in that moment. He’s helping me find shoes. He’s telling me stories. Now, we have a little connection going and that’s what you’re looking for. You’re not looking to meet your soulmate in one moment, but you might. You’re just looking to make that connection. Complimenting a man on something he’s wearing, his clothes, his hair or something he says or does. You’re like, “I admire that. That’s great. Where did you learn how to do that?”

Another thing you can do is ask for help simply by saying, “Excuse me, will you help me? Can you hand that to me? Can you pick this up? Would you do this for me?” Men love to help women. Asking for help is a really great one. Asking for directions or asking for a restaurant or a recommendation for a restaurant. Opening up and asking for help and complimenting men everywhere you go. Notice something about a man and bring it to his attention. That will strike up a conversation and open a dialogue. From there, who knows where it’s going to go. It might go nowhere and it doesn’t really matter. Your intention is just to become more open and present to what’s happening so that you can make dating fun over 60. Like one of my clients did, it could lead to meeting your soulmate and you never know unless you try.

These tips are so easy. I want you to go out and commit to yourself that you’re going to start applying these three tips. I’m going to give you just a couple of bonus suggestions on where to meet men. I go to the gym a lot and down at the gym before 9:00, between 6:00 and 9:00, it is crawling with men over 60. Men over 60 love to work out first thing in the morning. I’ve noticed that because I go to the gym at different times during the day and there is a large amount of men that are working out over the age of 60. Some of them are retired, some of them are still working and they’re getting in there to get their workout before they go to the office. They are everywhere and they’re friendly and they are open and they are talking and a lot of is very social for them.

Dating After 60: Men are looking for their soul mates, too ,and all you have to do is turn around in a line and strike up a conversation.

Join your local gym and show up early and start meeting these men that are there during that time. Also, coffee shops especially on the weekends, where there’s outdoor seating and summer’s coming. This is a great opportunity for you to start making a regular daily visit to a coffee shop to find out when the men of your age group, the men in the age group that you want to date are there. Showing up consistently every day and making friends. We go to the little Brick & Bell coffee shop here in La Jolla and we know everybody that’s there during the time that we’re there. It’s interesting. There’s always a different group of people throughout the day, but we like to go right after we work out and we always see the same people. Now, we’re friends with those people and it’s really fantastic. You can create your own little community of people by getting out there and coffee shops are a great place to do that.

The most important guideline that I want to leave you with to build your confidence in dating over 60 is to simply do the things you love. Doing the things you love puts you out and about in places that you’re likely to cross paths with men where you can apply these three tips. Going to museums, going to book readings, going to meetups or going to restaurants that you want to go to. Don’t wait for somebody to go along with you. Go by yourself. Put yourself out there more and more and more. Go to early movie screenings. They have those at 5:00 or 4:30. Go there early. Make sure you get there early so you can talk to the ladies that run those screenings and those are a great resource for you or ways for you to meet men. Those ladies that are in your age group that are running those volunteer roles or handling those movie premiers or early showings, they know who the single men are in their community. They are more than happy to provide you with that information.

Women always love to help other women especially me. That’s why I’m here making this video for you. You strike up a conversation with those women. Ask them if they know any single, available men. You are single and you love to meet them. If you’re a widow and you’ve lost your husband, you can say, “I lost my husband a couple of years ago and so I’m looking to meet somebody new.” That’s perfectly fine. In fact, you’re going to create some compassion there and they’re going to take you under their wing and help you out. Anything that you say, just being honest and letting people know that you are single and you are looking to meet someone special. Put the word out. What do you have to lose? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Make sure you’re vocal about your desire to have romance in your life, to have a committed relationship and even marriage to put yourself out there.

One of the biggest regrets that we have in life is that we didn’t have enough love in our life. We didn’t put ourselves out there. We didn’t take enough risks and why? Because of fear, because of what people think of us. It’s way past time to get over that. Get over what people think of you. What people think of you is none of your business. I want you to start taking that attitude. I hope this was helpful. I’m going to tell you about my freebie. I want you to go to SoulmateIQ.com and take my Soulmate Assessment. It’s a short quiz that will give you the vibration that you’re sending out, the frequency that you’re sending out, and how close you are to attracting love. You’re always sending out a vibration. I want to help you to recognize what the vibration is you’re sending out and if you’re sending out the right vibration or the right frequency. Whatever you’re sending out, you’re getting back by the Law of Attraction because likes attract likes. I’m going to also send you a feminine exercise along with your frequency to help you get you further into alignment, which is going to help you speed things up and fast track your ability to manifest your soulmate.

What people think of you is none of your business. Click To Tweet

I am so passionate about helping women to learn to deliberately date and consciously create the man of their dreams and I’m very successful at doing that. The woman that I was speaking about is now 63, her whole life is starting anew. She’s in a whole new book. Her life has just taken off in ways that she’s been dreaming of for years and it happened very fast. I have other ladies in their 60s that are getting married and they’re having all this romance, but they had to take a risk. They had to learn the tools and the skill set and get the support and learn the formula and the strategy for success.

That’s what I teach in my program and especially geared for women over 40s, 50s, and 60s. Ladies, step out of your comfort zone and claim your dreams. Do not go quietly into that good night or whatever that saying is. I know that you want love in your life and I know that I can get you there much faster than you can on your own. Check out the program and get ahold of me before it’s too late, before another year passes you by and you wished you would have taken action. This is what it’s all about. It’s taking action so that you can start living the life that you came here to live. I hope this was helpful and I want you to know, I’m sending you so much love.

Important Links:

SoulmateIQ.com

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Like these videos! You can find more by joining my Engaged at Any Age YouTube channel now!

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : confidence, connection, Dating After 60, love, Romance, Soulmates

What A Man Needs From A Woman Like You!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· February 19, 2019

· 1 Comment

It is so easy to give up when you find that what you have is not what the other person wanted. For us at the other end, we sometimes do not mean to show off an image that seems off-putting to someone. As a result, we unconsciously sabotage our opportunity with a man. Jaki shares some great insights and advice on finding out how to attract a man that can show up in your life and offer you what he can according to who you are. She guides you into showing off an image that represents who you are, which ultimately attracts the right man for a woman like you. Learn what Jaki has to say as she teaches how you can find the connection in all areas of your life.

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Watch the episode here:

What A Man Needs From A Woman Like You!

I hope you enjoyed the interviews with Alison Armstrong and Cherry Norris. They are amazing. Here are a couple of the takeaways that I got from Alison. I liked when she shared about talking about a prince versus a king and a prince is looking for someone to partner with and a king is interested in sharing what he can provide. If you want your king you need to be stepping more into being a queen. What stood out for me the most was that if you want what I’ve got, I’ll give you all I can. Why those stood out to me the most is because sometimes we unconsciously and not meaning to sabotage our opportunity with a man, we present in a way that’s not in alignment with what the man has to offer. I do believe that she’s correct in saying, “If you want what I’ve got? I will give you all I can.”

I’ll use my own life as a real-world example. I want to share that with you because on my dating profile, I had three pictures that were professionally done. One of them was me in a pretty red top. The second one was me in a pair of jeans with a pretty pink blouse sitting on a stool. The third one was me in a long black evening dress standing by a nice red velvet chair. They were nice pictures. The pictures were showing my lifestyle to the man that was looking at them. I was successful at doing that. The long black dress was like, “I can go to formal events and I enjoy dressing up and I’m also casual. I wear jeans. I’ve got this playful top on.” I had a couple of lifestyle shots. That’s what I recommend for you in terms of your online dating profile is five or six pictures.

We unconsciously sabotage our opportunity with a man because we present ourselves in a way that’s not in alignment with what he can offer. Click To Tweet

Why I’m sharing this with you is because when I met Michael, he was asking me about my photos. He wanted to know about that image of me in the long black dress. I didn’t understand why he was asking me at the time, but now this all makes perfect sense and he explained it. He said that after he started dating me, he was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted with the long black dress that was on my dating profile. When he looked at that, what he saw was a woman who probably wanted to go and expected to go to black tie events, to charity balls, to functions that would support that dress. It’s interesting how he interpreted that photo and how I was interpreting it. He was willing to give me what he had, but he didn’t think that what he had was what I wanted because it looked like that picture I wanted to be escorted to black tie events. Maybe I wanted to live a certain lifestyle and he had already done those things and he wasn’t interested in attending any more charity events. He wasn’t interested in going to any more black tie events per se.

I thought that was fascinating and I’m glad that we had that discussion. Why I’m telling you this is I want you to take a look at your profile pictures and to step into being the queen and being the receiver. The most important thing is to be able to hold that space to receive everything that a man is offering you. You want to make sure your profile pictures are in alignment with what you want to receive. I would say that mine was pretty close. It demonstrated that I could accompany him to a black tie event, but he was definitely concerned that I was still in a space in my life where that was important to me. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t. I wasn’t in a space in my life because I’d already done those things as well. I’d done the charity events at the school functions and the black-tie fundraisers and all of those things that I don’t necessarily feel the need to attend those anymore. I have other philanthropic endeavors that I would rather pursue like a sporting event, Standup for the Cure or the Breast Cancer Walk for Awareness. Those are things that I would enjoy over a black-tie event.

I’m encouraging you to take another look at your profile pictures and make sure that they’re connected to what it is that you want from a man that you’re willing to receive. If you have some images there that don’t represent your lifestyle, then I would go ahead and take those down or swap them out for something that does. The man that has something to offer, your king, if he’s ready to give it to you, it’s a match for what those images are portraying because those images do send a big message all on their own. Without your ability to verbally articulate what the image represents, he is not going to be able to make that connection unless you have the opportunity to talk with him in person like I did with Michael. That’s a connection that I made with Alison’s interview that would be relevant to those of you who are online dating or even being out in the world. Be true to who you are, to what you love to do. Be authentic and the right man for you will show up and offer you what he can provide in terms of your lifestyle.

Attracting The Right Man: Be authentic and the right man for you will show up and offer you what he can provide in terms of your lifestyle.

The other thing is I love Cherry Norris. She is single now after being married. She went through a divorce and she’s incredible the way that she’s done her work. She’s walking her walk. She’s dating, using all of her own tools to show up. The biggest thing that stood out is what she said is to be receiving what he’s offering and how she shares little on a first date because she’s holding that space to see how he’s going to show up. That is exactly what I teach and that’s what I recommend all of you do. The keys to a successful first date is engage in the present moment. Stay in the moment. Here’s a tip and a tool on how you can do that. I use all my senses in the now to help me stay present in the moment. When I was on a date and what I recommend that you do when you’re on dates is to anchor yourself in your chair. Draw your attention to your body. Feel it pressing down into your chair. Feel your arms as they sit on the arms or in your lap. Feel the weight of your clothes. Notice what you smell in the restaurant. If you’re having wine or coffee, tune into that.

Tune into the sounds of the other people that are talking around you. Tune into what’s on the table, what your date is wearing, what he’s saying specifically. Tune in and listen to him not that you’re waiting for your turn to talk, but just so you’re listening to him. He’s going to pick up on that. There’s a big difference between waiting for your turn to talk and listening to what a man is saying. If you’re able to hold that space in that present moment using all of your faculties to do that, you will bring much more presence to the date. It’s incredible when you use these tools to stay self-aware and in the moment. That’s where all your power is. You have an opportunity to make a deep connection with another person, with a man, if you can stay rooted in your body and in the be here now. That’s why we use our body. Our body is our anchor. It’s our guidance system to the present moment and I think you’re going to have a lot of success with that.

There was one question that one of the ladies sent me. I wanted to talk about it. This woman was dating a man for about nine months and she said he was a real gentleman the entire time. He’d been honest, forthright, kind to her, desiring to be married, and consistently very much a gentleman. She said that she wasn’t physically attracted to him at all and that he enjoyed intimacy. She couldn’t get past it and she broke up with him so that he could find someone else and be truly happy. She wanted to know if I’d experienced that or have you known other women that have experienced that? Absolutely. What I wanted to turn that around at the end that she said that she wanted to let him go so that he could find happiness. What about you? What about you finding happiness? That was great that you were thinking of him, but thinking of yourself as well. Ultimately, you need that compatibility in and out of the bedroom. It’s important to have that connection in all areas. It is a huge factor in a relationship. It’s good that you have this experience because it’s giving you the opportunity to know how important it is and to not make those sacrifices for nine months again in your next relationship.

I always say the more you know what you don’t want, the more you know what you do want. There was a real meaningful purpose that nine-month relationship served in her life. The only thing that I would recommend is to shorten that gap. Don’t take nine months to honor yourself and recognize that it’s not working on all levels. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, you were just not connecting on that level. You’re not going to connect with everyone on that level and you don’t need to. You only need to connect with one. Ending that relationship as soon as you know that it’s not a fit. Sometimes we do get into intimate sexual relationships after dating and courting for several months and we have to test the waters and see if that’s going to be a full package, a full fit. Sometimes, unfortunately it’s not.

The important thing though is to give you permission to not beat yourself up for that and to acknowledge that you’ve learned a lot about yourself in that process and that a lot of good has come into your life because of those lessons. Jack Canfield says, “Tell the truth fast and hard.” As soon as you know your personal truth, you want to share that with someone. You want to share it with a feather. As soon as she knew that wasn’t going to be something for the bigger picture, the next step would be to set that responsible communication with him. Come from the heart. Share with him that it wasn’t a fit for you and wish him well and be on your way. Tomorrow’s not promised so we have this moment and we want to make the most of it.

The more you know what you don't want, the more you know what you do want. Click To Tweet

As soon as you know your truth, you want to be able to articulate that to the people you’re sharing your life with, especially in the dating process. It’s okay to text a man after a date saying, “Thank you so much. I don’t feel we’re a match. Good luck on your journey,” and go ahead and block him. You’re not obligated to even do that, but it’s a courtesy that you will extend to these men and hopes to get that in return. Sometimes they won’t get back to you and let you know that you’re not a match, but no response is a response. If you don’t hear from a man, it’s his way of saying, “It’s not a match,” and I know that seems unfair and it’s not kind, but men are wired to not hurt our feelings. Don’t take it personally. Move on. The important thing is to not give up. Don’t take a break. Don’t take a timeout. It’s not a sprint, it’s more of a marathon. You’ve got to keep momentum to your dating process. You don’t have to run full out, you want to keep up a steady pace, discovering the information on your dates and starting to apply the information. That’s the key.

The application of the information you’re discovering on the interviews is the key because you’ve probably heard a lot of these amazing speakers before. Maybe you’ve heard me say the same thing as before and you’ve heard other people say it and you’ve read it and you’ve acquired a lot of intellectual knowledge. The key to your success and to getting Engaged at Any Age^® is the application of what you’re learning here. Make sure that you take these nuggets and apply them where they’re appropriate so that you can start seeing the results. These experts are speaking from experience and the strategies do work, but you have to work them. You have to take those steps. I’m sending you all a big kiss, a whole lot of love, to never give up on your dreams and never give up on love because you never know when it’s going to happen to you. It could be tomorrow. Join my community on Facebook by joining my Bridge to Love Group!

Important Links:

Standup for the Cure

Please join our Bridge to Love Facebook community to be a part of the conversation and receive support!” Click here to receive support now!

Like these videos! You can find more by joining my Engaged at Any Age® YouTube channel now!

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : A Woman Like You, Attracting The Right Man, Authenticity, connection, dating, relationship

4 Signs He’s Stringing You Along

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· May 6, 2018

· No Comments

Jaki dives a little bit deeper into the four signs that a man is stringing you along. This happens a lot to ladies where they’re not recognizing when they’re being strung along. Jaki shines some light on this topic so that you can free yourself from these situations that are disempowering. They’re all about boundaries and how to see the signs right away so that you can avoid getting into relationships with men that have no intention of committing to you.

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Watch the episode here:

4 Signs He’s Stringing You Along

I want to talk to you about the four signs that he’s stringing you along. This is something I spoke about but I wanted to dive into it a little bit deeper, so I wanted to run this training again. This happens a lot to ladies out there you’re not recognizing when you’re being strung along. Let’s shine some light on this topic so that you can free yourself from any kind of these situations that are disempowering. They’re all about boundaries and how to see the signs right away so that you can avoid getting into relationships with men that have no intention of committing to you.

He Hasn’t Shared A Part Of His Life With You

There are some obvious signs and not so obvious ones. The first one is a big one. A big red flag is when you’re dating a man and he hasn’t shared a part of his life with you. This is something you want to pay attention to in the beginning of your relationship, so this does not happen to you. It’s happened to several women that I’ve talked to and there were signs all along, but they didn’t want to rock the boat. They’re afraid to say anything because they don’t want to lose the relationship.

When you’re afraid to say anything in a relationship, you’re avoiding intimacy. When you avoid intimacy, you don’t have a relationship because relationships are all about intimacy. Intimacy means that you aren’t afraid to show up more courageously to communicate what your needs are and why you need them to the man you’re with so that he can also reciprocate and you can meet each other’s needs. If you’re not having a relationship where it’s based on truth and honesty and you’re wanting to meet each other’s needs, you don’t have a relationship. The first thing that you want to look for is if he’s reciprocating in terms of doing things at his house. Sometimes you’ll date a man that you’d never been to his house but he’s showing up. He’s doing a lot of things for you. He’s taking you to dinner and maybe you’re getting together on the weekends at your house. This is what’s happening to a woman that I was speaking with and everything seems to be going great. You are having a great time together. Months go by but you haven’t been to his house and you haven’t met anybody in his family but he knows your family.

I would say that’s a big red flag because why would he be withholding an important part of his life or his home or whatever it is and not sharing that with you? I would definitely be asking him about it. I would never let things go to four months when you should be asking within the first couple of weeks like, “I live here.” Getting together and going out and after three or four or five dates, you can invite him to your home and make him dinner. That’s a great way to reciprocate and thank him for all the lovely meals he’s provided for you. In that process, he’s going to invite you to his house. Maybe on your way somewhere, you can stop there and have a glass of wine then you move to a restaurant. If you’re not going over to his home and you’re not meeting the people in his family and he’s compartmentalizing the relationship, then that tells you that he’s stringing you along. He’s getting a lot of the benefits out of the relationship, but he doesn’t have to make any real lasting commitment. You’re having such a great time, he’s taking you to dinner, he may be buying you little gifts, he’s telling you how much he cares about you and he’s showing up. You’re like, “This could lead to something. I don’t want to rock the boat.”

It's so important to ask questions upfront and be curious. The key is to come from curiosity, and not from fear but from love. Click To Tweet

There’s a glaring piece that’s missing and that’s the piece like, “Why haven’t I met anybody in his family? Why haven’t I had been to his house after four months? There’s something going on.” Make sure that this doesn’t happen to you. I want you to vet men more carefully and I hope men are reading this because we are going to be vetting you more carefully. What I mean by that is go and do background checks on men. I recommend this to all my clients and men should do it on women too. You can even run a background check on yourself to see what somebody can find out. There’s nothing wrong with this. In this day and age, meeting men online, it’s totally okay to do. There’s nothing wrong with it. You’re just using wisdom. What you’re going to find is maybe some issues around finances which I don’t think is a big deal. A lot of people go through financial upsets and recover from them. That’s what makes us all even stronger when we go through a hard time.

I wouldn’t focus as much on a foreclosure or bankruptcy, but I would focus more on any criminal activity and divorces. What I think that’s going on with this woman is that he’s legally still married to his first wife. They’re probably separated for years but they don’t want to get a divorce because of the money. It’s a very common scenario on why men string women along. They don’t want to divorce legally on paper their wife because they have to split up their assets. The wife and the husband have agreed to move on with their lives but they’re going to hang onto the assets and then you come along. You’re amazing and he thinks you’re great but he’s got this little problem. He still legally married to her. It’s less about dating separated men, it’s more about the fact that he can’t be with you in the way you want to and he’s stringing you along because he’s getting all of the benefits. You’re not getting anything. You have nothing to gain from being with him except superficial things at the moment.

It’s so important to ask questions upfront and be curious. The key is to come from curiosity and not from fear but from love. When you come from curiosity, you are coming from love and you’re curious. You do want to know because why wouldn’t you want to know those things? When you hold back and you walk around on eggshells, you’re teaching the man how to treat you. You’re saying to him, “It’s okay that you’re not being intimate with me because I don’t deserve intimacy. It’s okay that you’re not being forthright with me because I don’t feel that I deserved someone to be forthright with me.” The way we show up at the beginning is we’re teaching them how we want to be treated and that’s why it’s so important to ask questions. As soon as there’s something that you’re not sure about, instead of coming from fear and being like, “He might dump me.” You come from curiosity. Maybe you’re getting dumped because it’s the way you’re saying it. That’s a big part of this conversation.

Signs A Man Strings You Along: Men are stringing women along because a woman hasn’t crossed their path that they’re inspired to give up their single life for.

He’s Only Available During The Week

Let’s move onto another sign. He’s only available during the week and not available on the weekends. That’s a sign that he’s got something else going on. We don’t know what it is so let’s not make assumptions. What you want to do is just ask questions and ask him right away. Say, “I’m just curious as to what you spend your time on the weekends doing? I have this weekend free and I would love to see you. What do you have going?” He says, “I’m busy. I’m working.” You say, “Tell me about your work that’s keeping you so busy. I would love to hear about it.” Really come from a place from being sincere. Maybe he does need to work weekends because he trying to pay off a mortgage on a home or maybe he’s paying his college tuition for his kids. Don’t think the worst but ask the question because that situation begs for an answer. You’re dying to know and through that not knowing, you start to get frustrated and you start to become a little desperate. Maybe you behave extra nice so that he sees your value. You’re like, “I’ll be good and then you’ll see how amazing I am. He will love me even more and then he will tell me the truth.” That thinking has got to go.

That’s how children think and we are grown women. You don’t want to tolerate that behavior. If you allow it, you’re enabling the behavior and it’s going to keep going and then it is going to result in heartbreak for you. Men are stringing you along. Why do men do that? Men do it for a variety of reasons. I’m going to go straight to the biggest one that I see. It’s because they haven’t seen a woman that has come across their path that they’re inspired to give up their single life. Let’s just look at it as a real positive thing. Men are stringing women along not necessarily intentionally, but because they’re having a good time. Women are more than happy to create such an amazing experience for a man because we all want to be in a relationship. You’re being so amazing upfront but then you’re not laying down any boundaries. You’re not clear on what you want and you’re afraid to speak your truth and express yourself and men lose respect for you. That’s why they move on to the next woman. They’re like, “You’re great but you don’t know who you are. You’re a pushover. You’re a bit of a doormat. You don’t speak up. You’re letting me get away with everything and I don’t respect you. I’ll find another woman that will.”

In a way, you’re shooting yourself in the foot by even tolerating this. It’s not that you want to be hard on a man, but from the beginning, he needs to know that he’s dealing with a high-quality woman and that’s what you are. You’re not going to even spend any time with a man who doesn’t get that from the beginning. Your self-worth and your value is a perception that you have to create. You have to create that perception for a man so that he buys into it. He sees, “If I don’t treat her right, she’s going to be gone.” That’s exactly the impression he needs to get from you but it doesn’t need to come from a place of threatening or a place of fear. That would be fear like, “If you treat me right, I’m out of here.” That’s coming from insecurity because you’re desperate to the point where you’re making these veiled threats that you don’t have any intention to carry out.

If you don't stand for something now, you're going to fall for everything later. Click To Tweet

Here’s the problem with that. If you say something like that to a man and then you don’t carry it out, he’s never going to see you as a partner because he knows he can get away with it. You might ask him five times like, “What do you do on the weekends?” After the first time and you didn’t get the answer you wanted and you asked him again, he already had lost respect for you because he sees that you’re not going to do anything about it. You’re not going to call him on it and you’re not going to put yourself in a place where you feel you deserved to know that. If you’re seeing a guy, you do deserve to know what he’s doing on the weekends. For the level of intimacy that you want with a man, which is amazing intimacy, intimacy means that it’s safe to show a man who you are. It’s safe for him to show you who he is, all of his lies and his shortcomings. It’s safe because you’ve made it safe. You’ve set the relationship up in a way and you created this space of love for him where he feels safe to tell you things about himself where you’re not going to judge him. You’re not going to put him down or you’re not going to use those things later and bring them back up in conversation. A lot of women don’t know how to do that. When a man might tell a woman something, she might make a judgment about it and then close that opportunity for intimacy.

He Makes A Lot Of Promises But Never Acts On Them

Another sign that he’s stringing you along is by making a lot of promises but never acting on them. There’s a lot of talk that they can do like, “Someday I want to take you here. That dress would look great on you. We should do this. I can’t wait for my children to meet you. Maybe we should do that for the holidays.” Men could say everything we want to hear and it’s so good and it sounds so true and real that we believe them and then we want to hang in there. “How long do we hang in there before any of this starts to become reality for you?” I would say that it’s incremental. You start dating and he says he’s going to pick you up and he does. You go out and then you naturally grow closer together. This is if you’re wanting a committed relationship that leads to marriage or a long-term commitment and companionship. Right away, a man already knows if he’s going to want to spend more time with you or not.

Flushing him out in the beginning is the safest thing for you so you don’t invest too much time. If he’s not being consistent right up front and he’s not following through with the things he says, you can ask him about it. You can just say, “You mentioned getting together and driving up to the coast and stay in Big Sur. I’m free this weekend. Let’s do that.” Assuming that he’s going to do it and if he starts making excuses, then that’s when you know that he’s starting to string you along and he never takes you to that place. That’s why you want to date more than one man at a time until one man takes the lead and is following through on what he says. The minute a man doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, I would start to get curious about it. You can approach your conversations with these men like that. The more you do it, the more empowered you will feel and the better you’ll get at it.

Signs A Man Strings You Along: You want more than things. You want a real relationship and a genuine connection with a man. Anything less than that is settling.

Never be afraid to risk a relationship by just simply asking a question. If you’re afraid to ask a question that you feel is valid, then that tells me something. That tells me that your relationship is already on rocky grounds because you don’t feel safe enough to ask questions. You feel that he might break up with you. That’s the sign that the relationship wasn’t set up in the right way from the beginning. Being curious so saying things like, “I’m just curious. I’m just wondering.” Coming from that place and using that tone, you’re curious. You just want to know. You’re not going to punish him with the truth but you deserve an answer. Your attitude is like, “I didn’t hear from you for a couple of days, where were you? What was going on? You couldn’t reach out to me.” See what he says. Maybe he’ll come up with some great excuses that you’ll believe.

You need to ask those questions. You need to ask them sooner than later so that he recognizes that you’re a high-value woman. You value your time and that you’re serious about the contribution that you do bring to your relationship which is a lot and it’s not a monetary contribution. It’s your self-worth. It’s your feminine energy. It’s your beauty. It’s your wisdom. It’s your ability to have these conversations. Men want to have an intimate conversation with you. Men want and long very much for intimacy. It’s up to you to create that intimacy. If you would learn to go first and create this intimacy, a man will respond to you. They’re used to women being suspicious, making accusations, becoming defensive and looking jealous or desperate. That’s why men withdraw. Men pull back because they’re like, “That’s such uncomfortable energy, to begin with.” They don’t know how to handle that. They just keep moving through the women and in a way, we’re contributing to this bad behavior. A man only wanted to be single until he finds the woman that he feels he can call his wife and that he respects.

He Doesn’t Answer His Phone

Some men are playing the field because maybe they just got divorced or whatever, but I do believe that everyone wants to have a soulmate. We all are destined for that. Men especially do not like to be alone and they’re just in between finding that right woman. Another sign that he’s stringing you along is he doesn’t answer his phone and it goes straight to voicemail especially over a couple of day period. That means there’s something up. When’s the last time you didn’t answer your phone outside of the fact that you’re on a date? Trust your instincts. All of these things are signs that he’s stringing you along. If he starts telling you that he wants to be exclusive and he loves you and he’s into you, but his actions don’t match his word, he’s stringing you along. I had a client that I started working with. He had been telling her he’s going to get a divorce. He gave her an engagement ring, but he hasn’t gotten divorced four years later. She believed him because he gave her this beautiful engagement ring.

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That’s a tough one but at four years, I would say cut your losses. Give the ring back and get your life back because you’ve disempowered yourself in that process. All you have is a piece of jewelry. It’s just a rock. It’s nothing compared to a life of the man, a life of happiness and fulfillment, of travel, of sharing humor or something to witness your life. It’s nothing. Who cares about all this stuff? All the things are just that, they are things. You want more than things. You want a real relationship. You want a genuine connection with a man. Anything less than that is you are settling. What you want right now aren’t things, they’re connection, fulfillment and communication. Those are the things that are lasting. Those are the things that you want to spend your life with someone doing. It’s not necessarily acquiring more assets because we all know that money buys a lot of nice things, but it doesn’t buy happiness.

We have a question, “What about a guy that emails and wants to know more about you and then doesn’t answer your email reply two days passed. Do I come out and ask what happened to you?” Absolutely not. The thing with online is it does move fast or moves at a snail’s pace but either way, you can’t control that. It’s out of your control. The only thing you can control is you. You have to learn to date with more detachment. Be detached from an outcome. The minute you turn away from looking at that email, he’s going to reach out to you. We can’t know if he’s on a trip, if he is seeing someone else, if he found somebody else and he’s now dating her. We don’t get to know what’s on the other side of it. What you do have control over is how you feel and not attaching to an outcome. The most important thing in deliberate dating is to stay detached but involved. You’re involved in your process of wanting you to attract your soulmate. You’re involved in maintaining your high standards. You’re involved in responsible communication, but you’re not attached to the outcome.

As soon as you attach to that outcome, it takes you out of the moment and you start to obsess on the outcome. When you’re over here obsessing, looking over here at the outcome that you want and you’re clinging to that, you’re not in the present. You’re not over here anymore and you might meet a guy when you’re over here. You plant all these seeds, you toss out all these emails and two days pass, move on. If you’re not attached to an outcome, then it doesn’t matter if you hear from him or not. If he’s interested in you, he will get back to you. Make sure you send out more than one email. I would send out ten emails at a time if you’re online. Send ten questions and comments out so that you get one date by the weekend. That’s the numbers game that you have to play online. One of those guys is going to pick up on it and he’s going to respond to you and you can get on a date with him. I would not even respond to his unless he circles back around and then don’t say anything. Just say, “It’s nice to hear from you.”

Signs A Man Strings You Along: Somebody who’s not willing to have those honest, heartfelt, emotional conversations with you is not worthy of a relationship with you.

Let’s say you’re at a bar and you’re having a nice conversation and you like him and you’re like, “Maybe this is something.” His friend comes over and they start talking. What do you do? There’s not much you can do. You can’t say, “Excuse me, I was talking to him.” You move on, you detach. You have never attached anyways. He’s just a stranger. You have to have that same mentality when you’re online, not attaching to the end results. You’re not attaching to a storyline that he was for you, he was the one or you felt something. You don’t feel anything. You don’t even know him. You have to be detached. It’s detached involvement. It’s the Law of Detachment. It’s so powerful and it keeps you from suffering. It’s a self-protection mechanism. Plus, you don’t know what’s going to happen. That’s the exciting part of dating. One date can be your last date.

Going into the next question, “I’m curious how from the perspective of the other is a mirror. What does stringing a woman along means about the woman herself and her relationship to her worth from a self-growth and accountability perspective?” It means that you’re ignoring your inner urgings. You’re not listening to your intuition. You are doubting yourself. You have some unconscious beliefs that you might not meet anybody better. You don’t feel that you’re worthy. You don’t feel good enough. You’re not lovable. All of these unconscious beliefs are getting triggered so he’s pressing the boundaries. He’s not calling you back and you’re not doing anything because in that not calling back, it’s triggering all of your emotional blocks like you’re not good enough, not worthy, unlovable, been left or been single for eight years.

When he doesn’t call you back, those beliefs start to surface. They surface and they make you feel that it’s real. You’re like, “I need to give him a chance.” You don’t want to feel not worthy, not lovable and not good enough. It doesn’t feel good to let those beliefs surface if you can get a good look at them. The only way to release those beliefs is to walk through them. It’s to look at them for what they are and question some of your incorrect thinking. What he is seeing though is he seeing that he’s going to have his way with you. He can get away with that and you’re allowing that treatment. He sees a woman of low self-worth and low self-esteem because weak boundaries equal weak self-esteem. He sees a woman who has weak boundaries and he’s going to prey on you. Maybe he is not doing it intentionally, maybe he’s always treated women this way because he attracts women that have weak boundaries until he gets to get his way.

Timing is everything. Maybe the best looking guy at the time isn't right. Click To Tweet

A lot of women have gone along with that but I’m here to tell you that it’s extremely dysfunctional and it’s not setting yourself up for a healthy relationship. That’s the mirror. That’s what they’re seeing. That’s why they move on because unconsciously even without a man thinking about it, he registers you as less than him. Without him even consciously sitting there making notes about it, he just doesn’t see you as somebody he could spend his life with. He sees the way that you’re letting him treat you. It’s not even conscious. They pick up on this. They have a radar for it because men are looking for the best woman and you’re looking for the best man. This is on their radar even if it’s unconscious. When you allow a man to treat you that way, you’re saying, “It’s okay. I’ll wait at home for you while you go out and do whatever you want. That’s okay with me.” They go, “I don’t want a woman that does that. I want a woman that calls me all my stuff.” Because you’ll make a man a better man. When you talk to your man about what he’s doing that’s not okay, you make him a better person.

The truth is we are not being honest with these men that we feel have a potential to be a real-life partner for us. What is it in you that you don’t have the courage to be honest with your lover? If I can’t tell Michael the truth about what I feel he’s doing, if he’s doing something, then I’m not being a friend to him. I’m being fake because if my husband is doing something that I don’t like or that I feel could maybe be improved, I owe it to him as his wife to tell him that. I need to do it in a way that it doesn’t hurt him and doesn’t attack him. If he’s doing something then you say, “Can we talk about this? I see this happening and I feel that in the long run, this is not going to be a good thing for you. I just want to know if you see it too.” You’re not even coming from a place about you, you’re coming from a place that it’s about him and you care about him and you want to bring it to his awareness because he’s not aware of it. You have to show up with a higher level of emotional honesty. You do that by working on yourself and by building up internally your ability to be emotionally honest.

You can only be emotionally honest with a man to the degree that you’re emotionally honest with yourself. When you do all of that work on becoming more emotionally intimate with yourself, you clear out all that incorrect thinking about you’re not good enough and you’re not worthy. Once that’s cleared out, you can be transparent and vulnerable for a man because you have nothing to hide because you are worthy and you know that. You can drop your guard and be real and you can risk him breaking up with you because you’d rather be with somebody who is willing to have those honest, heartfelt, emotional conversation than somebody who isn’t. Somebody who’s not willing to go there with you is not worthy of a relationship with you. I would not want to be in that relationship. I already had that in my first marriage. Who wants to do that again? Who wants to repeat that pattern? He’s stringing you along because you’re letting him, I would say.

Signs A Man Strings You Along: Look at your beliefs around having physical intimacy and make sure you’re going into it with your eyes wide open.

Get Your Power Back

All of my teaching that I do is all about women taking responsibility for ourselves first because when we do that, then we have so much power. We get our power back. We become empowered and that’s what makes you stand out from other women. Here in California, there are so many beautiful women. There are beautiful women everywhere. What’s going to make you stand out even if you’re the most beautiful woman in the world from all those other women is your ability to speak in a way to make a man feel understood. Also, it’s to demonstrate a level of maturity that is so fascinating to a man and so enticing and the grace and the compassion and empathy that you can show with clear boundaries for a man. He’s going to choose you over the most beautiful woman in the world because you get him and you know how to have those conversations. I know that we are all here on this planet because we want some fulfillment out of life. Men want that too and not just women. We want our life to have meaning beyond being in a relationship. If you don’t stand for something now, you’re going to fall for everything later.

This is a call to action, ladies. I want you to look at my program because these are the skill set that I teach that you need so that you can recognize the signs if he’s stringing you along. I know I had been talking about my program over and over because I want you to hear me. I want to work with you because I want to see you successful. I want you to not only be my next success story but it’s way beyond that. I want you to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship like me. I want you to feel powerful like I feel. I want you to feel empowered. I want your relationships with your family to be harmonious. I want your relationships in your community to be harmonious because when you have love in your life, the whole world benefits. This is not just about you. It’s about everybody around you and your children will respect you. I know a lot of you that have children are wishing, “I wish mom would just get into a great relationship,” because they don’t want to see you alone.

Co-Create You Relationships With Him

There are so many reasons why to do the work to improve yourself, to do self-development and self-improvement so you can have the relationship that you want. You create those relationships. Those relationships are not just out there and they’re going to plop into your lap. They’re created. You’re the creator. You co-create them with men but if you don’t have the skill set and the tools right up front to even begin that process, it’s a trial and error long haul and it doesn’t end well. I know that because I was in that trial and error for eight years. It didn’t end well for me. I met a lot of great guys but I didn’t have the skill set that I have now. That’s what ended up landing my big fish, Michael. I had that ability to create that space and inspire him to want to be more intimate. Even lead the way a little bit and what intimacy is by me being intimate first and be willing to stand for one thing and not fall for anything else. He knew that about me.

Men love to help women out but you don't need to be rescued. You're not a damsel in distress. Click To Tweet

When a man knows that about you, he will not let you go because he knows that you will walk and he doesn’t want to risk losing you. That’s where you want to get a man where he doesn’t want to risk losing you. He doesn’t want to risk any bad behavior because he knows that you have value and you have boundaries. You will act on those instantly and you will not give him a second chance especially in things that are big grievances. There was a question, “Do you give a man a second chance?” Let me go back to these questions here, “Men seem interested until I communicate that I would like to wait for physical intimacy until we are in a committed relationship. Am I killing the vibe by communicating that?” Yes, and no. Yes, you’re killing it by the way you’re doing it. I wouldn’t say you’re killing it. I say it’s a way that you’re asking for that. You have to define a committed relationship. A committed relationship is being exclusive. That is a committed relationship. When you get into an exclusive relationship, you’re getting into that relationship with the intention and understanding on both parties that you’re in it because you have the same goals in mind for your future.

You have those discussions. For example, when I was talking to Michael. We were on the phone and the first conversation is like, “What are you looking for? How’s it going online and what is it you’re looking for?” He said, “I’m looking for a committed relationship.” He said that. It was on his profile and all men will say that even if they’re not looking for it. I said, “Me too. I was married and here’s my deal and this is what I’m looking for.” From that place, I agreed to go out with him because at least we had a starting point. I didn’t know if he’s going to be in a committed relationship with me and vice versa, but we started off that way. The way that I showed up on that first date and everything I did demonstrated that I was not interested in a casual relationship. The things that I would say, the things that I would do and the things that we’re all congruent. What I said to Michael and my behavior, all demonstrated a woman that was clear on she was going to get what she wanted whether it was with him or not and he knew that. Show up in a way that you are congruent. You’re kind but you’re clear and you have your boundaries.

Take Emotional Risks

I’m a big believer in exploring a sexual relationship with a man who’s demonstrated that he’s treating you well. He’s saying all the things and you are making plans for the future. It’s important to then take that next step to see if that’s a compatibility with the intention that you’re in it because you’re building something for the future. I can’t tell you when your timeline is for that. Two months, three months, four months or at least a month, but you’re going to have to take those risks. Relationships require you to take emotional risks. If you have a foundation built inside, if you feel safe inside, no matter what happens to that after you take that exploration, you try the sexual piece. After you have the other pieces in place and it’s not a fit, you are safe inside because you have the tools emotionally speaking to move on without being hurt. Why should that hurt you? It’d be like, “We explored it. It’s not a fit and I’m glad I know now so I can go find somebody that it is a fit with.” That is the most highly functional thing you can do.

Signs A Man Strings You Along: Don’t nix men too fast. Be a little more playful and flexible. The feminine energy is about flexibility.

Holding a man out for sex is a little old fashioned in my opinion because we’re sexual beings. Sex is good for us and to withhold sex, it’s not a very healthy thing to do to yourself especially if you’re in love and you’re professing a future together. You want to take the risks and explore if that’s a total package and then that beautiful thing can happen. If it’s not a package, maybe it doesn’t fit for you. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea and you don’t enjoy it. You want to move on. You can quickly do exercises that I teach in my program to clear the energy and get back in balance. Release him so another man can come in. I wasn’t a virgin when I met my husband. I’m being transparent with you. I wasn’t. I’ve had other lovers. I was married before. I have two kids. How do I have my self-worth intact after exploring, after I was divorced? It’s because I have a value system. I give myself permission to have those experiences because I grew from them and I feel good about myself. I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s a belief system that I have.

Look at your beliefs around having physical intimacy and make sure you’re going into it with your eyes wide open. Give yourself permission to explore that part of your relationship with him to see if it’s a fit for the long haul. A lot of times it might not be and you’ll be glad that you did so that you can move on and find somebody that is a fit. That’s just my feelings on that and the way you do that and the way you want to put him off. I’ve demonstrated this before somebody demonstrated it. I like to make sure that it’s an intimate moment when you’re letting a man know that you’re going to put the brakes on sexually. You can put your hand up behind his neck and look at him and pull him close and you’ve got your hand on his chest so you’re intimate. You’ve got them right there and you’re just loving him up. You’re just letting him know, “I would love to go there with you. I think about you day and night, but I am not ready to do that. I would love it more than anything if you can be patient with me and wait until I’m ready. I think about it all the time and I’m just not there yet.” Smile at him and then he’s going to wait for you until you are ready.

The Law Of Germination

If he doesn’t, then there’s your sign. In fact, it’s a great test to do to a man to see if he is willing to respect your boundaries and wait until you’re ready. Men don’t need sex that bad. They can masturbate. I’m being blunt for a reason, but men don’t need to have sex constantly. That’s an immature man. That’s a boyish behavior. That’s what boys do. Boys need constant sex and attention when they’re younger but when they’re more mature, they can sow the seed of germination and forego the instant gratification. If a man is not willing to forego instant gratification, he’s not your guy. The Law of Germination is you plant a seed and you watch it grow. When it grows into something and you’re comfortable and you feel safe that he’s authentic, then you can explore the next level and that’s when I recommend to do that.

Don’t kill the vibe by how you say it but say it so you can test him to see if he’s willing to be patient with you and respect your boundaries. Why would a man want to have sex with you before you’re ready? That’s interesting. You want to think about. You can even say, “Let me get this straight. You want me to sleep with you before I’m ready because that’ll be good for you, but it’s not going to be good for me. You’re going to benefit but I’m not going to. How do I win in that scenario?” You can even talk to him like that because I have a smile on my face and I’m like, “I’m sorry. That’s a one-way street that I don’t want to be on because it’s ahead in a collision and I’m the one who’s getting run over.” Light it up and have fun with those conversations. Tease him a little bit. Say, “You’re a man. You’re not a boy. You can take care of yourself until I’m ready.” You can say things like that and flush him out knowing that you’re ready to walk if he doesn’t wait for because you are. You’re not going to have relationship sexually with a man until you’re ready.

Any men that’s pressuring you to do that is interested in having sex with you. Now, you know. You have your answer and you can move on. The value of doing this is that you become so clear internally that that internal clarity and that compass is pointing due North. That’s where you want to be. You always want to be very clear on what you want and what you’re willing to do and won’t do. It’s in that vacillation that you’re causing yourself a lot of confusion and a lot of heartaches. It’s taking much longer than it should because you have all these fears, doubts and insecurities about your worth, your value and not feeling lovable but you haven’t done the work around to release. Until you do, you can’t fully power up because you’re leaking energy in those places and that’s the work that I do in my program. I’ll help you power up and help you show up as a quality woman because you are. Because you believe it and not because I’m just telling you that you are and you say you are. Intellectually, you know that you are but internally there’s a little voice inside of you that says you’re not. That voice gets loud especially when you’ve been alone for a long time. That’s why you need support and accountability and structure for somebody who has more perspective than you do and that’s what I bring.

I bring perspective, ladies. I have been there but more importantly, I’m over here and I can see what’s happening. I can be over here going, “Nope, don’t do that. Do this.” Pretty soon you can trust that I’m going to pull you over to where I am. If you get enough support for a long enough time, you can make these permanent behavior changes. It helps you stop allowing men to string you along. I am doing a call to action for those of you who have not booked a call with me to talk to me about it. I want to just offer you this opportunity. My calendar is already full but I’ll make room for you if you’re very interested. The program is for women who have been successful in their life but just haven’t got this piece of love figured out. It’s for women who are coachable and who recognize having support is a way to grow. The most successful people in the world did not get there by themselves. I’ve always had a coach and that’s why I’m so successful. I have support. I’m not doing this on my own. I get support and I give support and then you get support and you can give support. That’s how it works. If you are investing in yourself, you love personal growth and you want to be in a relationship this year, you want to stop this replicating. If unconscious patterns are keeping you stuck and discouraged, then the program is for you.

It’s not for is women who feel that everything just happens to them, the victim mode. I don’t work with women in that mentality because that’s me pulling you along and I just don’t want to pull you along. I want you to be like, “I’m all in,” because I’m all in. I’m 100% committed to the women in my program and I’m not going to convince somebody that they need to do something so you can’t be in victim mode. You have to be at least willing to recognize that I am a victim mode that I need help being pull out of it. I want to get out of it. If you’re there and if you’ve got one foot out and you want to get out of it, then I can help you. It’s not for women that don’t see the value in investing in their personal growth and don’t have the money to invest in their personal growth. I’m offering so much free advice. On my YouTube channel, I’m going to keep making amazing videos for you. I’m going to keep teaching and training. I don’t know how long that’ll go but as long as I’m passionate about it, I’ll do it. I’m feeling fulfilled in my life by doing this because I know I’m empowering women and I love doing that.

I love seeing women getting engaged and happy and going on to make a family, especially in their forties. They’re getting engaged, getting married and having babies in their forties. I love being a part of that. I’m going to answer one last question, “How long is a reasonable delay in a reply from a guy to text if you have been on a date or two? What length of the time should we next them?” Women sometimes next men too soon because we take things so personally. We’re sensitive especially when we’ve been single for a long time. That’s an avoidance like, “I don’t want to get rejected so I’m going to next you.” That’s just avoidance pattern because you don’t have the skill set to stay in the game. The reasonable is 24 hours, I would say. He doesn’t have to get right back to you. You’re not his girlfriend and he doesn’t owe you an answer. Keep this in mind. It does tell you a lot about him when he doesn’t answer you right away and you need that information. In the beginning, you’re gathering information. You’ve got your little basket and you’re putting information in like you’re picking berries like, “He doesn’t text right away. He takes two days to respond.” You’re gathering all this information, so you want to see what he’s going to do.

You’re welcoming it so that you can make a good choice for yourself on what to do. If he isn’t responding to you right away, that’s like, “Duly noted.” What’s a reasonable time? It’s up to two days. If you don’t hear from him after three days, then he’s got other things going. He’s seeing other women. He’s juggling and you’re not at the top of the list. You have to take that into consideration, “Is he a next?” Not necessarily. You’re dating as well so go out with another guy. If he circles back around, then you’re like, “How you’ve been?” Don’t be bitter. Be like, “What’s up? Long time no hear from. What’s going on? You want to get together?” See if he wants to keep it going. Come from that place and after a little bit of that and then you’ll see what he’s about. He may think, “I was seeing somebody else but I like you better.” That’s what it’s all about. It’s a process of elimination. Don’t next men too fast. Be a little more playful and a little more flexible. The feminine energy is about flexibility. We’re like water. We go downstream and round rocks and made flow. We’re guided to the path of least resistance.

However, there are boundaries in that. If you don’t hear from a guy and he completely ghosts you and he reaches out to you, I wouldn’t bother responding to him. Let’s give him a taste of his own medicine like, “I’m sorry but I’m busy with my next guy.” Wait a couple days and date other men so that the one that’s most interested pulls out ahead. The one that’s most interested may not be the best-looking guy, but I’d say he’s the one that’s most interested and I would look carefully at him. There’s something to say about timing in life. Everything is timing. Maybe the best-looking guy at the time isn’t right. Just let him go because then the guy that comes along that is ready and is right for you. Maybe it’s not as good looking but if he shows up for you and treat you right and make you his queen. I say that’s the man you want to marry. The man that’s going to put you on a pedestal and keep you there.

We have another question, “Do you think about a future before there is a present?” Don’t think in terms of future tense. You think about that when you’re setting your intention. That’s what you want and you’re clear on that. You don’t need to think about that. That’s over here. Anything that takes you over here is taking you out of the present. Until the man demonstrates all of these things to you, you stay right there in the moment and don’t fall for that. That’s again stringing you along. Your mind will string you along with thoughts about the future and the past too. You have to be careful of the own mind traps that your mind plays on you. This magical thinking pretending that things are different from how they are. Staying in the present, to what’s happening instead of getting into that magical and mystical thinking that he’s going to come up on a horse and rescue you. You don’t want to be rescued by men and men don’t to want to rescue you. They want a partner. It doesn’t mean they’re not going to help you out. Men love to help women out, but you don’t need to be rescued. You’re not a damsel in distress.

I hope this was helpful. Make sure you like my Facebook page and subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you’re resonating with the work, go ahead and give me a five-star rating. I would love that because that inspires me to keep going. When I see those little compliments, they mean the world to me. They do because I put a lot of effort and energy into dressing up for you. I get dressed up for you. You know how they say women dress up for each other. I do that. I get all dolled up because I want to set an example on how you want to be with men but also it’s fun. That’s what we women do. That’s why I love women. Don’t forget about what I said about the Engaged at Any Age Program. Do not miss out.

This is your opportunity to finally put your dating life behind you and get into a serious relationship. It’ll lead you to a commitment so that you can settle down and live happily ever after because it’s wonderful. There’s nothing better than having a man in your life who loves and adores you and that’s what I want for all of you. Life isn’t all about having a man in your life, but it sure is nicer with one in it. We’re fine without a man but we sure want one and it sure makes life more colorful, more exciting, more interesting and more fulfilling. I am so grateful you’re here. Thank you for always showing up here. I’m sending you lots of love.

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : committed relationships, connection, conversations, emotional risks, signs men are stringing you along, The Law of Germination