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Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

· September 24, 2019

Nothing makes a relationship better than to be able to connect with the person you are with on a deeper and intimate level. To those who are not as fortunate to come by with this connection, we may find ourselves going around attracting emotionally unavailable men. Go past this and start attracting those that are truly available emotionally as Jaki leads you to find that intimacy within yourself first. As the saying goes, we attract what we are. Deep dive within and self-examine as you reclaim self-love and eventually attract the right person.

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

I want to talk to you about how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men because it’s a big topic. A lot of women complain that there are no emotionally available men. I want to have a candid discussion about it. I love talking about emotional availability because it is like heaven on Earth when you meet with a man and you can connect with him on a deeper intimate level. Let’s start out with defining what is intimacy? What is real intimacy? Intimacy is into me I see. It is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. What I mean by that is no matter what you’ve done or what you say or what you did in the past or you’re doing now, you’re not afraid to self-examine. You’re not afraid to ask those deep questions of yourself so that you get the answers. You can become more intimate with yourself and stop listening to your mind’s rationalizations about situations that happened.

Intimacy is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. Click To Tweet

It’s you being completely emotionally honest and open with yourself about what’s going on without rationalizing. You can only be emotionally intimate with a man to the degree that you are emotionally intimate with your own self because you can’t give away what you don’t have inside. If you haven’t done that deep inner work to go in and explore the blocks you have or the painful experiences you’ve had and heal them, you’re not meeting a man from that authentic place. You’re meeting him from the place of those painful experiences because those painful experiences act as blocks and barriers. They are protecting you from experiencing any more pain, but they’re also keeping you from being intimate because they act as a barrier. That’s why it’s important to self-examine and self-inquire. Ask yourself a lot of questions, “What am I feeling? What is this anchored to? Why am I feeling this way,” so you can understand yourself. When you are intimate with yourself and you can understand yourself, then that’s when you have the ability to be in a relationship with an emotionally available man.

If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable men, then it’s a sign. Don’t take this the wrong way please because you know I love you. It’s a sign that you are not being emotionally available on some level. Here’s the good part about this. You’re getting instant feedback from the men that you’re dating because dating provides a mirror. It’s like looking in the mirror. However, he’s acting is a response to how you’re acting. Likes attract likes. We attract men into our lives to help us grow, to help us see how we’re showing up. That’s why this is so exciting. It’s such a beautiful work. Look at dating as an opportunity to grow yourself and through that process, you will attract an emotionally available man. I want to mention what happens when a man withdraws his emotional intimacy. You’re dating a man and he doesn’t call you back and you’ve been seeing him for a couple of weeks or a month or longer. He doesn’t get back to you or he doesn’t answer your questions when you ask him or he avoids topics.

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Those are all signs of emotional unavailability and that he’s distancing himself. He’s demonstrating to you that he’s emotionally not available. I don’t know why that is, but I can speculate. How I can speculate is I would look at his past. It’s important when you get involved with a man, especially if you want a long-term relationship with him, that you discover what experiences he’s had in his history that has caused him pain. Those are going to be clues into why he withdraws because he might be triggered. Men go through painful experiences like we do and they hide it. They hide it from not only you but they hide it from themselves. They may not even be aware that they’re doing that. That’s why it’s so important for you to do the inner work on yourself and become more emotionally intimate with yourself. You have the capacity to signal your man when he drifts, when he withdraws emotionally. You can signal him in a way that he can respond to you without feeling defensive or withdrawing even further.

How do you do that? Very carefully, for one. You use responsible communication. That’s how you do it. Responsible communication is a communication technique that is based on sharing from a place, coming from love, but also with the utmost respect and conscious listening and also being able to share how you feel and being heard by both parties. I recommend you set an appointment. If something occurs and you want to create more intimacy, you need to reach out and set an appointment. It sounds something like this, “On Friday, you said something to me that I didn’t quite understand,” and you would always mention what it was because you don’t want your man to worry about what it is you want to talk to him about it. Because anytime you tell them and you want to talk, his red flag goes up and he starts to retreat. You want to put him at ease right away by explaining to him what it is you want to share with him.

Emotionally Unavailable Men: The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate to how much you’re willing to share with how you feel.

You say, “When we were out Friday night, you said something about the trip. I was wondering if we can talk about that more on Sunday.” You’re not putting him on the spot right now. You’re giving him a heads-up notice that you want to have a deeper discussion about a comment he made and what the comment is and the topic is and when you want to talk about it. Then he’ll say, “That will be fine.” At least he’s set up so that he can think about what he said and he’s prepared to talk to you so he doesn’t feel sabotaged. He doesn’t feel attacked. He doesn’t feel taken off guard. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt. You’re also showing respect by not dumping that on him like, “I want to talk to you,” and maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe you’re in the car going to someplace. If you start that conversation, it’s going to result in an argument. That’s why you want to use responsible communication, to create more intimacy, to create more emotional availability.

You can do this together, you can build this relationship together. Even if you start off with a little emotional unavailability, you can build it together, but you need to know the signs. If he withdraws, it’s a sign that something’s going on and you can signal him by asking him for an appointment to talk about it so that he can share what’s going on with him. When he does that, you want to be careful not to interrupt him, not to take it personal, and not to make any assumptions. You need to let him talk until he’s done talking. I always recommend repeating back what he shared with you until he feels that he was heard. When you do that, you’re going to develop so much intimacy that he’s going to be reluctant to withdraw again. You’ve made it safe for him to stay in the relationship and share how he feels because you are going to become defensive or accusatory. You’re not going to interrupt him. You’re going to make it safe for him to share. That’s how you create intimacy fast.

Take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

What you don’t want to do is withdraw or retaliate using childish ego-based defensive reaction, like not talking to him for a couple of days. That’s called a violation of emotional distance. That’s very harmful. When somebody withdraws their affection or their attention from you, for the level of intimacy you share. If you’re in a relationship, it’s very painful. It’s like giving somebody the cold shoulder. It’s dysfunctional, it’s immature and it has to stop. You cannot do that in a relationship if you want it to last. You need to respect each other’s boundaries by asking for those appointments when you feel that he’s withdrawing. Another way to tell if a man’s emotionally unavailable is if he’s reluctant to share on a deeper level about anything at all. If he wants to keep things on the surface. If he avoids talking about things that are important to you, then that would be a sign that he’s choosing not to be emotionally available or he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available.

If he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available, you can go first by making yourself more available. I’ll tell you how to do that right now. The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate by how much you’re willing to share with how you feel, about your feelings. If you want to experience more emotional intimacy with the man, you need to be more emotionally honest and intimate with him. That means sharing things that are scary for you to share like your fears around whatever is coming up for you. Your fears about moving in together. Your fears around the future or maybe some insecurities you’re feeling. It’s highly functional to share intimate details about how you’re feeling so that he can see that vulnerable side of you and so that you can bond and get closer.

It's healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you're in a relationship. Click To Tweet

Another piece of that is if you don’t share those things, he’s going to see you like a cold fish. He’s going to see you as not having any warmth and not having any depth. Men are looking for warmth. They are looking for depth. Don’t look at that as a weakness. That’s a strength. Being vulnerable has so much strength in it. Make sure that you don’t hesitate to share those vulnerable feelings because it will endear him to you. The more you want emotional intimacy, the more truth you must be willing to share. Which is why it’s very emotionally mature to agree to disagree because you’re not going to agree on everything. You don’t want to hold back because you don’t agree with him. You certainly don’t want to argue about it, but you can say things like, “That’s an interesting perspective. I don’t have that same perspective at all. I think very differently about that, but I respect where you’re coming from.” You’re agreeing to disagree with him. You don’t have to agree with everything he says, but you don’t want to suppress your true feelings and be a doormat and turn yourself into a pretzel and be so agreeable that you don’t even have an opinion. It’s how you do it, how you say things and how you express yourself is the most important part that I want you to hear.

Using a soft tone when you’re saying that or even a playful fun tone like, “I don’t know about that. I am not buying into that. I think that’s more your way of thinking but not mine. I respect your opinion but this is the way I feel.” You say that not needing them to approve of you and not needing them to accept your opinion, but definitely needing them to hear you out. If you use the right tone in the right way, they will hear you out and they will respect you for it. It’s healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you’re in a relationship because you’re not these two halves coming together to make a whole. That’s a dysfunctional relationship paradigm. What you are is two holes coming together, standing side by side like the infinity symbol. That’s what we’re going for. Two holes side by side, not overlapping, not being codependent, not meshing with each other, but having a lot of emotional intimacy right next to each other. I want to close with this. It takes a lot of courage to be emotionally intimate and you have plenty of courage. You have to use enough of it and it takes practice. Practice leads to mastery in any area of your life. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out because the worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to learn something and you’re going to grow and expand because of it.

Thank you for tuning in. If you like the content, please like, share and subscribe to my channel. Share it with your friends so that they can get in on the information as well and you can create a tribe of emotionally available women and practice that intimacy with them.

Be sure to take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

Jaki

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : connection, Emotionally Unavailable Men, intimacy, relationship, self-love

He’s HOT/COLD

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· September 17, 2019

· No Comments

One day he comes on strong and totally into you. The next day, he becomes cold and confusing. How do you keep on playing this game when dating or in a relationship, or maybe, how do you stop the game? Sometimes, this kind of set-up only leads us at the losing end. We start to question ourselves in the process when the problem tends to not be our fault. Jaki hands us the key to understanding what is happening so we can free ourselves from the cycle of control and fear.

Get Your Soulmate Assessment right here and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

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Watch the episode here:

He’s HOT/COLD

I wanted to talk about when a guy comes on strong, he’s into you and then he goes cold and it causes a lot of confusion. I know you may have experienced this and it certainly is a game that gets played when you’re dating and in relationships and it’s dysfunctional. Let’s just go over what it is. One minute, things are going along. You’ve got this band here, you’re going back and forth and you feel something’s happening and you start enjoying the attention that you’re receiving from a man. The next thing you know, he pulls back and he withdraws into his cave and you’re left wondering, “What did I do?” You start to question yourself and think that you did something wrong. You start to go into thinking about what you said and what you did. This behavior is extreme when a man withdraws like that and it’s about power play whether you call it push and pull and hot or cold, it’s all the same. What it does is it leaves you feeling frustrated and confused.

Control

The key is to understand what’s happening so that if you feel caught into this cycle because it’s a pattern in a cycle, all about control and fear, then you can quickly recognize it for what it is. There are a couple of things you can do. You can use the skills and tools that I teach in my program to become more intimate about what’s happening and invite a conversation. That person that’s doing this, the man that’s doing this, is incapable or interested in having this conversation because he’s using this behavior as a way to control you. Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously, what happens is it creates a longing and it creates a pursuit. As soon as he pulls away, it activates this feeling like, “I have to have him.” What you want to do is reach out and pursue. That’s usually what you do. You go, “I’m just going to send him a quick little text and see what he’s up to.” You might make up some excuse like, “He’s just busy at work.” Some of these rational lies that we tell ourselves to try to justify this emotional unavailability.

If you're in this tug of war with the man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Click To Tweet

You might say that he’s sorting out his last relationship or he’s busy at work. He’s got a big project or his kids need him right now. Those are all rational lies that your mind tells you in order to prevent you from seeing what’s going on because your mind is trying to protect you from any painful experiences. In a way, what happens is your mind is protecting you but it’s keeping out some valuable information. I know you’re going to remember this and it’s going to help you in the future. There’s that saying, “Flee and they follow, follow and they flee.” This is what happens. There is this push and pull that happens. What happens is when you start to get close to somebody and things are going well and there are some mutual affection and some attention, you enjoy that and it feels good and you want more of that. It starts to make you long for some relationship stability. You do want that. You start to move in that direction.

What happens is when a man pulls away, it creates an automatic response in you to chase him because you want to get back into this feeling. You want to be the object of his affection and his attention that felt good. This phase is like a corral. It’s the hot phase and it’s designed to get you in the gate that leads to the corral where later you’ll be harnessed. I read that on the internet. It’s created to get the hook in your mouth and you win. That’s the hot phase. The cold phase is designed to make you long for more attention so that you’ll pursue. Both of the phases are dysfunctional. When you get into this phase with a man, you may not realize it but what you’ve done by pursuing a man is you’ve submitted to a man’s emotional and psychological need to control you. A lot of that comes from needing to control to feel safe. I’m not necessarily saying it’s bad, it’s just definitely something you need to be aware of so that you can cope with it. It’s a dance and it has a cycle. It’s like this push and pull.

Comfort And Discomfort; Power And Intimacy

He’ll pull away, you’ll pursue him and then he’ll back up. You’ll back up and then he’ll come towards you and it goes on and on until you become aware of the pattern. There is a difference between when a relationship has a little hiccup, when you’re first seeing each other and you like each other and you’re starting to feel vulnerable. Those are normal healthy feelings. It’s natural to feel for a man to maybe withdraw and maybe consider his position and consider his feelings. When that happens and you have a certain level of intimacy, then you want to invite a conversation and ask that man to talk to you about the pulling away. You want to create more intimacy in that moment and not more distance because if there’s distance then it’s just a game. When you’re in a relationship and a man is emotionally invested in you, then he’s going to want to have that conversation with you even though it’s an awkward conversation.

What happens is you’ll go from a phase of comfort and then you’ll get closer and then you go through a phase of discomfort because your zone is growing. You’re out of your comfort zone. You’ll go from comfort to discomfort back to comfort again, only your zone has grown and that’s called a paradigm shift. If you go from comfort to discomfort and you don’t go back to that zone again, then that means that the relationship is not going to develop. A man that’s playing that hot and cold game has burst of hot but it doesn’t result in any forward momentum. That’s the problem. It’s a game. It’s hot and cold and that’s exciting for them because they have this control over you, but the root cause of this behavior is it’s a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable and it’s love. He is trying to gain control over the uncontrollable which is love.

A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love. He’s going to dip his toe into that pool and he’s going to toy around with it, but he’s never going to commit to it because he’s too afraid of getting hurt. He has trust issues. He has fear of intimacy and you can’t continue to pursue him because you just push them further away. It makes us feel that a man has all the power, but the real power is in the intimacy. Real power is in intimacy and your ability to maintain contact in an intimate way. That’s where the real power comes. If you have that inner strength and confidence, you don’t have any fear of being open and honest with him when he pulls away because you know and you recognize that this is an opportunity to get closer. If he doesn’t take that opportunity, that’s a sure sign that he’s playing the game. He’s exerting that control so that he cannot get hurt, not get his feet wet, not jumping into the pool with you and go swimming into the deep end.

He’s going to play it safe and that’s dysfunctional especially if you’re looking for a relationship and a life partner. Just having an awareness about this game is going to help you because when it happens to you, you’re going to recognize it for what it is. That’s how you turn the table in your favor is by recognizing it. I talked to one of my clients and she reached out to me and I wanted to give her some support. She’s working in my program and she said that she’s dating a man. They’ve got close and she talked to him about what she was looking for and what she wants in long-term. She wants to get married and have children. He said that he didn’t think he would be ready for that and she said, “That’s what I want. Now that you know, you can reach out to me or not but I’m not going to pursue you.” He said, “Okay, fair enough.” A couple of days went by and he called her and she’s at dinner, so she answers the phone. She has a quick chat with him. He just called to say hi and that’s when she called me and she’s like, “What should I do?” She goes, “I think I’m going to send him a text tomorrow morning.” I’m like, “No, this is exactly what’s going on. He’s doing this hot and cold behavior.”

Hot And Cold: A man that’s wanting to play it safe is never going to allow himself to experience love.

He waits three days, he calls her and then it initiates that yearning and that longing to be the center of his attention again where she’s giving up her own ability to nurture and take care of her emotional needs. She’s looking for another person, some external source for that so she gets back into the game. The system kicks in again and there goes the pattern. She’s going to send him a text and now they’re back in this dance. Another two weeks will go by and that’s what happens. You lose time and that’s why you want to be aware of this and make sure that you don’t get stuck in it. If you are, know that this awareness of reading to this blog, if it’s resonating with you, this is your first step in changing and shifting that pattern and stepping into something more functional for yourself.

Once you recognize the pattern, you gain freedom from it. If you are in this pattern, know that all you have to do is stop contacting him and wait long enough for him to come back around if he’s going to and you’ll have your answer or you can simply set an appointment to talk to him. That’s what I think is the most functional. Say, “Do you have a few minutes tomorrow night? I’d love to sit down and talk to you a little bit about what’s going on.” If he makes that appointment, then you have something. You have someone that’s not afraid to be intimate and real because that’s what it’s all about. This person doesn’t want to be real. He just wants to play a game. It’s important that you ask these questions and that’s why it’s important and I encourage all of you to ask as many questions as you can before you get emotionally invested. It’s so much easier from that place to be curious about somebody and why they do what they do.

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Playing Tug-Of-War

I’m going to be offering tons of support answering these questions and creating a lot of training about all these different scenarios in my program, my Engaged at Any Age year-long program that I am sending out emails and creating training and create this invitation so that we can work together. I’m very passionate about helping all of you become more intimate in your relationship so that you can have that deep, juicy, soulful relationship that all of you are reaching out to me and telling me you want. It’s going to require a little work. You’re going to have to shift out of your comfort zone and step out of that fearful place that you’re at and take some emotional risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the game.

If you’re in this tug of war with a man, the best thing you can do is walk away. Cut your losses. Your time is better spent with someone who’s more functional. If you ask for that conversation and you get a reaction of anger or defensiveness or they’re giving you a guilt trip saying, “I’m working a lot.” This is revealing a lot to you so you want to ask those questions and take note of their response. If he doesn’t respond to you or shuts down, there’s information in that that you need to look at. Make sure you go ahead and ask the question. Have the courage to ask the question. If you don’t get a response, then that’s your answer. That person doesn’t have the skill set to have the type of relationship that you want because you just use a lot of emotional courage to ask these questions in the first place. You’re making yourself vulnerable to him so that you can go deeper. If he doesn’t respond to that, then that lets you know something that you need to know about that man.

Extended Travel Experiences

Anybody that’s straightforward and honest is somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. Anybody that is playing games in lieu of the ability to be real is not somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. I have some questions here, “He stopped calling. I was reaching out and still being open. I offered to talk but he’s avoided it repeatedly. I want a man who wants me and is clear that he wants me. He’s the one who brought all the commitment talks at day one that’s why I opened it up in the beginning?” There’s nothing you can do and there’s nothing you should do because he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in going deeper. He’s in fear. He got triggered and he’s afraid. That’s what you know for sure.

What is he going to do with that fear? He’s either going to remain out of contact with you or he’s going to step forward. You need to know that information about him. That’s telling you a lot about how he’s going to be in a relationship with you. As painful as it is when someone does this, it lets you know the level of intimacy that they’re capable of at the moment. I would say you got close with him but your timing’s off. Don’t get discouraged. Look at this as like, “I attracted somebody and we got close. I’m one step closer because I made myself vulnerable and I know how to do that.” I want you to continue to practice that level of vulnerability because when you do that, there’s strength in it. Because you’re being honest and you’re speaking your truth of what you want. The universe will rise up and meet you with the match to that vibration. That’s why you don’t want to pull back and shut your heart down. You will have to let this one go so the next one can come in. That’s what I want you to do.

Here’s the question that I want to answer. A gal wants to know, she has photos of extended travel experiences in India, Iceland, Italy, walking through Portugal, a month-long stay in the Netherlands. Is that too much?” I would say yes. That’s too much to put on your profile because you could trigger the scammers. It would trigger a scammer so I wouldn’t put all of that. One or two pictures of travel. You want to create enough intrigue for them to reach out to you but not give them the whole story. If you’re oversharing in your profile, it could intimidate men or invite those scammers to pursue you and you don’t want that. That’s an overshare. That information is what you want to leave your date. Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama and you don’t want that.

Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It's not a man's job to make you feel better. Click To Tweet

The other question that she had, someone writes on your photos and they comment on them and she responds back with a pleasant manner and then that’s it. Here’s the problem with that, when somebody makes a comment on your pictures, on your profile, that’s an awesome opportunity for you to ask a question back. I had this I woman I talked to and she said that there was a man with a picture of his dogs. She commented on his dogs and I said, “What did you say?” She said, “I love that breed. That’s one of my favorite breed of dogs.” I’m like, “That’s it?” She didn’t ask a question that begs for an answer. I’m like, “You missed an opportunity.” Make sure you’re asking questions. If he makes a comment on your profile like, “Nice dress or great legs or whatever.” You can say, “That dress brings back a lot of great memories. I was up in San Francisco when I bought it. Have you been to the city?” or something like that. Lead it into a conversation so that he has to respond to you and answer your question. Use those comments on your pictures to create more banter that will hopefully lead to a date. It’s always questions. Ask a lot of questions and that’s how you’ll get answers and connection.

Reaching Out To A Man

The next question is, “Is it okay to reach out to a man on a dating site?” “Absolutely.” That’s what it’s all about. You’ve got to get good at this banter. When you’re reaching out to a man on a dating site, it’s not a date it’s like flirting with a man on a networking event. You’re just saying, “How are you? What’s Your Business? What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” You strike up conversations with strangers. You’re not getting courted until they ask you out but you can tee it up. You can let them know that you’re interested by engaging them on instant messaging and by sending an email. You send an email and it’s just a little note. It’s a question and a comment. You look at their profile and comment. Maybe they’re leaning up against a cool car. It seems that men love to put pictures of them leaning up against a cool car. You can say something about the car and then ask him a question. Ask him a question like, “How fast does that car can go?” Ask questions and be playful about it.

These questions need to be lighthearted and fun and almost teasing a little bit. A little mischievous. A little good banter goes a long way because it’s already awkward enough. You are flirting with a perfect stranger but what you’ll do is intrigue them enough to reach out and continue the conversation. I recommend doing this on instant message. It’s a good way to practice if you’re feeling sensitive, shy, and nervous about doing that. A good place to practice is instant messaging on your dating sites. What you do is you’ll just practice sending little notes to men that are online at the same time you are. With the intention of going back and forth a little bit and then saying, “I’ve got to run. Nice talking to you.” Get off the call, get off the instant messenger and then leave it up to them to contact you. They looked at your profile, they know how to get ahold of you. I would do this three or four times when you’re online, but the key is to only do it with men that are online at the same time that you’re online.

Hot And Cold: Don’t overshare on your profiles because you’ll invite some drama you would not want.

Power In Triggers

You don’t want to send emails to people that aren’t online. I recommend you do that as well but this is a strategy to help you get out of your comfort zone to create engagement and to have fun with it and you’re not looking for them to ask you out. You’re saying, “I’ve got to run. Great connecting.” Give him a little wink and then that’s it. It’s up to them to pursue you but you’ve set it up. I recommend this because it will help you to desensitize yourself about this whole dating process. I know it triggers a lot of fear and a lot of fear of rejection. That’s what it triggers and bring it on. Let those triggers come up because there’s power in those triggers. There’s information in those triggers. Your emotional triggers tell you something about you that you need to look at. You want to ask yourself this question, “What do my emotional triggers tell me about me?” If you’re triggered, then it’s something that’s going on inside of you. Usually, it’s a fear of rejection. Don’t reject yourself in the process. When you feel that, you want to look and ask yourself, “What is going on with me? What is my emotional trigger trying to tell me about me?” Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”

Follow it to its source. Get to the bottom of it. Get to the root cause of what makes you feel that way because it can be very disempowering. If you don’t take action to feel better, then it’s on you. That is your responsibility. Your emotional health and wellness is your responsibility. It’s not a man’s job to make you feel better, it’s yours. What Michael and I have is I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me and that’s a highly functional way to look at dating. Your emotional needs are just that. They’re your emotional needs so when you feel those needs come up, make sure you meet them and don’t abandon yourself in the dating process and then have the audacity to blame men for your emotional instability. The dating process is a fabulous way to do a lot of deep emotional work because it brings up a lot of things that you need to clear up anyway. You’re becoming a highly functional and emotionally mature woman and you’re getting a man at the same time. I say that that’s fantastic and it’s going to take as long as it takes.

Practice Receiving

The sooner you start working through these emotional triggers and understanding the game of hot and cold, the better you’re going to be in a relationship and the more space you can hold for that relationship. Let me answer this one last question. “I let a guy open the door for me this week. I felt proud because you popped into my mind while your voice was always saying, practice receiving and let men do things for you.” Yes, receive, “I receive. I receive. I receive.” That’s the mantra. Let a man come to you. You can drop the hanky, do that online flirting, but make sure that you are allowing what you’re asking for to come in by not pursuing men because they will pursue. They love a good chase. Give him one. Give them a run for their money and they’ll love that. The more you do that, the more fun it is for everybody and the more potential for a relationship. Because men love a challenge and they want to win you. When you don’t stay in receiving mode, they can lose interest.

It feels good to have a man step into his power. They want to step into their power and if we don’t hold that space, then we disempower them by acting on opening our doors and getting things that they can get for us. You want to keep that balance in the feminine-masculine energy moving along beautifully by staying in your receiving mode. I’m going to leave you with the mantra, “I receive,” because you’re worth it and you deserve it. You deserve to have everything you want. There is nothing that you should or shouldn’t want. You should expect to get what you want. That’s what I want you to hear. Expect to get what you want but you have to ask for it. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for being here. Please send me your questions so that I can make more training videos for you. Lots of love.

Go here to read about joining my Inner Circle Program. Get coaching and get the man!

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : connection, Control, dating, Hot And Cold, intimacy, relationship

5 Things That Turn Men On

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· June 4, 2019

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When you think that you’ve found the right man that you’re into, you may find yourself looking for ways to keep him turned on and by your side. There are actually ways that you can do that. Jaki shares her five tips for keeping your man turned on.

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Watch the episode here:

5 Things That Turn Men On

I’m going to teach you about the five things that turn a man on. I love talking about this. This is so powerful. The first thing that turns a man on is you being happy. That’s what turns a man on. His happiness is based on your happiness. If a man doesn’t feel that he can make you happy, then he’s technically be turned on by you. When you’re happy, a man is turned on by that. It creates a ripple effect and it makes him happy because he’s here to make you happy. The key to his happiness is your happiness so make sure that you’re doing the things that you need to do to keep yourself in that happy place in your life.

Feeling your feelings, releasing your feelings, holding your boundaries and speaking up when you need to. Everything that you need to do to be authentic and genuine in your relationship is going to make you happy. When you’re in a great relationship, you can expand and just relax in life. When you’re relaxed in life, you’re already naturally happy. Make sure that your happiness is a priority. When you’re happy, your man’s happy and it turns him on. How you’re going to attract a man by being a happy woman. The second thing that turns the men on is you have to be interested in his passion. Get into his passions. You have to show interest because when you bond with him over what he’s interested in, he sees you as a part of that equation. Whether it’s sports, whether it’s travel, whether it’s wine, whether it’s cooking, whether it’s gardening. Anything that he’s interested in like writing or movies, you want to show interest. This is obvious but I’d like to get into it because it turns a man to notice that you’re paying attention to what’s important to him because that shows a sign of respect. You respect what’s important to him. It’s going to create a bond between the two of you and then you’re going to become closer and closer.

Start to learn about the things that he's passionate about and watch your relationship grow. Click To Tweet

I know if you’re following me, you want to be in a committed relationship or married this year. Show interest and get excited about it because it’s what makes him who he is. Start to learn about the things that he’s passionate about and watch your relationship grow. Watch his attraction for you grow much faster. The third thing is to initiate intimacy. This is after you’ve decided that you’re exclusive and you’re working on a future together. You’ve had those conversations. Go ahead and initiate that intimacy. Men love this and it turns them on when you’re hugging them and you whisper something in his ear like, “Maybe when we get home tonight.” Maybe you have a special candle that you get for him or you have a pretty little outfit you’re going to share with him. Whenever you initiate a sexual intimacy or physical intimacy, men really love it. It turns them on. A lot of men complain about women not initiating and wanting the men to take charge in all cases. When the woman does, that excites them. If you want to reel him in and if you want to have a committed, juicy and deep relationship, then you want to be initiating as much as he is. We all like to be the one that’s being pursued and men love it.

Number four, appreciate and validate him. This is so important. Men love appreciation. They love to be validated. What does validation mean? It means giving value. Give value to him by noticing and respecting him and appreciating him because men crave this and they will never ask for it. They’re not going to say, “Excuse me, would you please show more respect and appreciation for the things that I do for you?” They don’t say that. Just notice the things they do. Thank him for opening your car door. Thank him for dinner and tell him how much you appreciate it. Admire the work that he does. Ask him for help and then make sure you lavish him with your compliments and praise.

Men do thrive on this because it lets them know that they’re doing a good job and they’re making you happy. If his happiness is your happiness and vice versa, then you need to lay this on thick. Life can be hard. When we don’t hear from the person that we’re dating that we’re appreciated, it starts to affect us. If you reverse it and a man doesn’t give you compliments a lot and you’re like, “I just dressed up and spent all this time and energy to look fabulous for him. He hasn’t even been noticed.” Maybe he noticed but he never said anything. It’s reverse psychology. You’ve got to use this on men because they love it. He’s just going to continue to see you as the one which is what you want him to see you because you notice and appreciate him.

Things That Turn Men On: Men are totally afraid that they’re going to lose their freedom in a relationship.

This is a big one for women. I don’t think they realize how important this is, but you want to encourage him to do things that he wants to do. Men are totally afraid that they’re going to lose their freedom in a relationship. If you establish right up front that you’re not there to take away his freedom, you’re there to support him in all the things that he wants to do knowing that he has you to come home too. You need to call after he’s done. Men that go off and do things with their guy friends, they’re thinking about you. They’re talking about you especially when you make it okay. Women that are jealous or controlling, that is a deal-breaker for men. They don’t want to commit to a woman who they feel is going to take their freedom away. That’s a huge fear for men.

Encourage him to do the things that he wants to do and what he’s going to do is fall more in love with you than he already is. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be needy. Go make plans with your girlfriends. Encourage him to make plans with his guy friends so that you can have this time apart. Then what happens is it creates a lot more intimacy when you’re together because it gives you an opportunity to expand as an individual. When you come back together, you have something interesting to talk about. You have more closeness because you had that trust. Give them a long leash. You’re not trying to control your men. Men hate that and it’s the fastest way to turn him off. This is all about how to turn your man on because you want a commitment and you want to keep him turned on in your relationship. I love giving my husband freedom. When I met Michael, I was very clear with him. You have all the freedom you need. He likes to ride his street bike. I love that he does that. I’m frankly turned on to see him on his bike and cruising around with his friend.

Trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. Click To Tweet

I enjoy watching him watch sports. I love the things that he does and I’m interested in those things because he’s passionate about them. It helps our relationship so much to be okay with him doing things on his own. I don’t have any problem with that. I think it’s fabulous because I have my own life too and I want my time to myself as well. We have tons of freedom in our relationship and that’s all based on trust and trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. Follow these five tips. It turns a man on and it will get you closer to a committed relationship and hopefully engaged by the end of the year.

My freebie is I want you to go to SoulmateIQ.com and take my Soulmate Assessment. This is going to tell you what frequency you’re vibrating at and how close you are to attracting your soulmate. I’m going to send you your results and then a feminine exercise. It’s related to the frequency you’re vibrating at so you can get further into alignment and fast track your ability to manifest your soulmate. I’m all about fast-tracking. It doesn’t need to take as much time as you think it does. If you follow these tips and you start paying attention to what I’m teaching you, I know that I can help you get to the finish line because I want you to be a finisher. I want you to be in an amazing relationship like I am. I hope this was helpful and I’m just sending you a ton of love.

Important Links:

SoulmateIQ.com

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : appreciation, intimacy, relationships, trust, turning men on, validation

Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· May 28, 2019

· No Comments

Nothing is more thrilling in life than having a man chase you. It can be exciting, fun, mysterious, and scary. It just gets all the juices flowing. You definitely want to give a man a good chase for his money because men want to win. They want to win and they want to win you, and you can’t make it too easy for them because they’ll lose interest and find somebody else. Jaki shares some real-life skills that you need to learn and understand so you can stop chasing men and have them chase you instead.

Get Your Soulmate Assessment right here and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

I’m creating these series for you to support you to calling in your soul mate. This is my favorite topic. I say that about everything I talk about, but I love this topic, how to stop chasing men and have them chasing you. Nothing is more thrilling in life than having a man chase you. It can be exciting, fun, mysterious, and scary. It just gets all the juices flowing, that’s for sure. You definitely want to give a man a good chase for his money because men want to win. They want to win and they want to win you, and you can’t make it too easy for them because then they’ll lose interest and they’ll find somebody else who will. It’s not a game. Nothing that I teach or the strategies that I talk about are games. These are real-life skills that you need to learn and understand how men aren’t much different than we are. If we cultivate our own feminine qualities in ourselves, then we can show up in a way that is a compliment to the man and that’s what he is looking for. He’s looking for that compliment.

Engage Them A Little Bit

I want to start off with a story. I’ll tell you about one of my clients and this is a great story. You’re going to love it. She was just newly divorced. Literally, the divorce papers came and she was very distraught and she had called me up and said, “I want to do a VIP weekend.” It was snowing and it was ski season and I knew that she skied and I said, “Why don’t we go up to Mammoth for a ski weekend so that I can support you?” I did that. I flew into where she was. We drove up to Mammoth and had a weekend skiing. She was newly single and I was her wing woman. We went out to a bar that night and it was packed full of men. The mountain was full. There were men everywhere and a couple of men came right up to us and started talking to both of us. This one man was interested in her. He was talking to her. I had already coached her on what to do. She was talking to him, but then what I told her to do is go ahead and engage them a little bit, but make sure you turn back and talk to me. Don’t just keep talking to him because that’s what she used to do.

She did that. She was talking to him. Then she turned her back and started talking to me. What happened was in that moment he started talking to his friend, but he was also looking over at us. What I want you to know here, if you’re out in a social setting, this can help. It’s okay to approach men or be approached by men. That’s okay, but you don’t want to overly engage them. This little strategy is if they come up to you or you go up to them, that’s okay. You can say, “I noticed that you guys came in with that big group. Are you here as a part of the convention?” or whatever is applicable. Then after you get a little connected, then you turn back to your friend and you re-engage her. What this does is it creates a little tension because you connected and then you did a takeaway, now you disconnect.

The way to really know if a man is interested in you is to see how much he pursues you. Click To Tweet

What this does and why this is important for you to know is that at that moment, this man now feels that disconnect. He feels that takeaway and men do not like that. They want to win. You just created a little challenge for him to re-engage you. If he doesn’t reengage you, then he’s either intimidated or he’s not interested or you didn’t give them enough of the signal. You definitely want to give them enough of a conversation where you talk a little bit and then turn back to your friend. This is what she did. She did it perfectly. She turned back to me, we were talking and then they re-engaged us. Then I knew it was game on. I knew the tension was gone. They were interested. They engaged us. They asked us to join them for dinner and it was snowing out. We went and sat down and had a little bite to eat with them. The long story short, by the end of the weekend, this man was smitten with my friend. I remember on the way driving back home, he was calling her cell phone and I said, “Don’t get the phone.”

She’s like, “What do you mean? I need to answer this phone. I like him. I want to see him again.” He lived in the same city that she did. I said, “That’s the whole thing. If you want to see him again, don’t answer the phone.” She was dying. She was like, “I have to answer this.” I’m like, “Don’t do it. You’ll kill the deal,” so she didn’t answer the phone. She’s like, “I just can’t believe anybody would do this.” I’m like, “That’s why I’m your coach.” Sure enough, it was a two-and-a-half-hour drive. By the time we got home, there was a voicemail from him saying that he wanted to talk with her. That he was going on a trip. He wants her to go with him. He had all these plans for her. That created a lot of tension.

The fact that she didn’t take his call, she was busy in the car with me and then she listened to the voicemail. The tension was on because not only did she not take the call, she didn’t call him back for several hours. Then she did return his call later that night and they had a great conversation. They ended up dating for about a year. It was good that she was following the coaching because what she wanted to do was engage them. She’s like, “These guys talk like us. Let’s continue to talk to them.” She would have made all those mistakes that maybe you’ve made in the past. I hope that little insight helps when you’re out and about. If you want to engage a man, follow that little tip.

Stop Chasing Men: The key is to stay in a receiving mode. Lean back and let him come to you.

Some Things You Could Be Doing Without Even Realizing You’re Chasing Men

Some things that are not so subtle is when we’re chasing men, you might say, “I don’t chase men.” I might say, “I think you do.” Here are some things that are subtler that you could be doing without even realizing that you’re chasing men. If you’re out on a date or you work with somebody, you may offer to do something for him. You’re out on a date. Things are going well, you’re having a great conversation. He’s interested in knowing more about this meditation or a hobby that you have that is intriguing to him. You might say, “I’d be happy to send you the link for that or send you that information.” That is chasing right there. You just took the tension off. You’re now setting up to do something for him. You’re providing something for him. You’d taken away his job. He is the provider. At that moment, he wants to provide for you/ By you offering to do something for him, you’ve made it so that he can’t win. That’s a subtle thing that women do to chase men. It pushes men away. They don’t need you to send them a link. They’re interested because you’re passionate about it, not necessarily that they want to want to do it as well. That’s a big mistake that women make that think that they’re not chasing men.

Another thing that you can do that’s very subtle that doesn’t feel like chasing is unintentionally and accidentally inviting yourself to do things with him. Say you’re on a date again or you’re on the phone. This could happen on the phone easily. He’s talking about how much he loves sports and he’s going to the Padres game and you’re just in conversation. You’re not even aware that this comes out of your mouth. You might say, “I would love to go to the Padres game.” You’re chasing. He’s backing up now because now you’re chasing him. That’s the thing with backing up. There’s body language. When you lean in like that, he backs up. The key is to stay in this receiving mode that I’ve been talking about, leaning back, and letting him come to you. The answer to that question, if he’s talking about this game and he loves sports and he’s going on about the Padres or whatever, you say, “I love how passionate you are about sports. That is amazing. That’s interesting to me.” That’s it. You just show interest in it and then leave that question mark hanging there. You gave him a green light to ask you to go to a Padres game without inviting yourself. That’s how you get invited.

Another way that’s not so obvious is overstaying phone calls, texts, and in person. I have another client that made this fatal error and you might’ve done it yourself and I know we’ve all made these mistakes. She was asked out. It was the first date. It went extremely well. They went to a beautiful restaurant overlooking the ocean. It was a wonderful date with him at the restaurant and she was excited. She got home and emailed me and said, “I had such a fantastic time. He’s incredible.” Guess what? He didn’t call her back. As soon as she told me that she had spent five or six hours at this restaurant and they had an amazing time, 85% of me was saying he’s not going to call her back. Why didn’t he call her back if they had such an amazing time? He was having a good time and they connected. It’s because she was just too available. She had no place to go so she just stayed with him all day. Her stock went down at that moment. You had like all this stock when you show up in the date and increment by increment, your stock is dropping by your behavior and you unintentionally sabotage yourself because you don’t know this.

The big mistake that women make is not engaging in those instant messages in a more intimate way. Click To Tweet

Why Women Don’t Get Asked Out On Second Dates

What would have been a better scenario for her? Even if she was enjoying herself and he’s an amazing man is after two and a half hours, if it was amazing, after that say, “It’s been lovely. I’ve enjoyed this time. Thank you for the wonderful meal and I’ve got to get running. It was great. I’d love to do it again.” You’re letting him know that if he asks you out again, you would say yes. Then you get up and you leave and you let him watch you leave if it’s appropriate. Sometimes they’ll walk you to the door, walk you to the car and walk out to the valet. If you do walk out together and you’re going to the valet, even these little things, men pick up on all these little things. When your car comes, you just wave to him. “Bye. Thanks,” and you hop in your car and you don’t look back and you drive away. You need to keep the tension on. You need to keep him guessing just a little.

You’ve made it clear during the course of your time with him that you’re interested in him by your whole demeanor. By just getting in your car and driving away and not looking back, you’re keeping that tension on. Now, he’s interested in seeing you again. He’s excited about you because you remained a little bit mysterious. He wonders where you’re going and what you’re doing at that moment, but if you overstay on those dates or in phone conversations, you’ve answered so many questions for him. He loses interest. You’ve told them the whole story. There’s no reason to ask you out on a second date. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons that women don’t get asked out on second dates. There’s another reason why you don’t get asked on second dates and that’s because you lack boundaries. Boundaries are gold. They are gold and they’re hot. Men love a woman with healthy boundaries and it means having a little bit of sass. It doesn’t mean being cocky. That’s too strong of a word, but it’s being a little sassy.

Where that’s sass can come from? It’s from you knowing what you like and what you don’t like and not settling for doing something that you don’t want to do. In other words, it’s not being a yes woman, saying yes to everything. If you’re sitting there on a date and you’re saying, “Yes, that’s great. Yes, I agree with that. Sure. That’s fine. Order that”, yes to everything, he’s over there yawning. He can’t wait to get out of there. It’s boring and you’re not showing any individuality. You want to be agreeable. You think you’re being nice, but where you’re doing is shutting him down because he wants to know what your feelings are about things he’s interested in you.

Stop Chasing Men: Give him the opportunity to like you. Don’t close the gap too soon that you’re not leaving any tension.

For example, you go into a restaurant and maybe he’s waiting there for you and he’s sitting at a table, but you noticed that there’s a booth available. I’ve done this before and you’d rather sit in the booth. It’s okay to go up and greet him, do your greeting and then say to him, “It’s kind of loud in here.” You can lean in a little and say, “If we moved over to that booth, do you think that would be okay?” At that moment, he gets to win. He gets to go out and find out if that booth is available and get that booth for you and if it is available, he’s going to get that booth for you. He just won and he’s your hero now and now you’re in the booth. You’re like, “This is much better. I can hear you so much better. Thank you so much.” It’s okay to do that. What’s not okay is to walk in and be like, “I don’t want to sit here. It’s not very comfortable,” and start complaining about it.

You want to involve him into your vision in a gentle way, but you can certainly redirect that table. That’s having a little confidence. It’s having a little sass. It’s definitely working on your boundaries and not being afraid to share your opinions. Stay away from politics and religion on dates. Let me give you some other examples. If you want a man to chase you, there are certain qualities that a woman possessed that all men find irresistible. They’re naturally going to chase you if you can cultivate these qualities in yourself. You already have all of these qualities. They’re just muscles that have atrophied because you haven’t been using them and maybe it’s because you’ve been spending too much time in your masculine energy and maybe it’s because you just haven’t practiced enough. It does work and it’s a more natural way for men and women to connect.

Lean Back Like A Queen On A Throne

I was saying just lean back. What we’re doing is we’re creating a space of love for a man to come into. Men love to come into a woman’s space of love, but you have to stay in that space because once you lean forward or try to take the lead, there’s no space because that blocks him from coming in. What that looks like is just leaning back in your chair with your body language, not leaning forward in the conversation. You could sit up and be animated like I am, but make sure that for the most part, your posture is relaxed and you’re leaning back and you’re smiling and it’s just being graceful. It’s having a grace about you. It’s showing qualities of unconditional love and acceptance. A man is looking for a woman who’s accepting especially with him. Men can tell when we’re judging. Say the guy shows up and he’s shorter than you thought he was going to be, or he has less hair or whatever is going on. It wasn’t something that you were prepared for. A woman who’s in her feminine energy is going to roll with that. It’s not going to bother her at all. She’s going to look at him and accept him because he’s another human being and you want to focus on the being, not necessarily the behaviors. You’re looking to show up in a more accepting way, a more loved-based approach to everything, leaning back and showing your intelligence, not leading with your intellect but you’re not dimming that light at all.

All of your mistakes in life have been lessons. If you learn from them, that can be the short path. Click To Tweet

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It’s like a queen that sits on a throne. She’s gentle, she’s kind, and she’s empathetic. She’s listening. She’s a skilled communicator. It’s just a building up that inner queen that we all have in us. You just have to practice this by going on dates. I know a lot of women say, “I don’t want to do any practice dates,” but these men are willing to show up and give you the opportunity to practice on them. What if you make a couple of mistakes the first time? As soon as you notice you’re taking over, you can just lean back. I would recommend going on a couple of practice dates and practicing that skill. I do have a couple of questions that I wanted to answer. The first question is playing games. She said, “I hate playing games, but I feel like because I’m strong, confident, and know my own mind, I come on too strong. I’ve been told to let the guy do the chasing, play hard to get, but if I know what and who I want, I go for it and then scare them off. I need a better approach with guys that I’m interested in.” We already covered that. You do need a better approach because what you’re doing isn’t working. Men want to engage you. They want to do the chasing.

If you know you like a man, all the better. It isn’t a game, but if you like him, now you have to see if he likes you. That’s the thing. To answer this question, the problem is that you’re not giving him the opportunity to like you because you’re closing the gap too soon. You’re not leaving any tension. If you decide you like a guy, then you go for it. He hasn’t made up his mind if he likes you or not, and then you’re pursuing him and I can see why that would be a dead-end for you. You’re definitely leading with that pursuit energy. If you like a guy, that’s great. Lean back and see what he does because, in that moment of watching in the unknown, I know it’s uncomfortable because you’re out of your comfort zone and you feel vulnerable. In those moments, you will discover how he feels about you. That is the information that you need to know. You need to know how he feels about you, but you’re not going to find out if you pursue him because he’s going to run away. You’ll never know.

How To Know If He’s Interested In You

The way to know if a man is interested in you is to see how much he pursues you. Just like my client who turned away and then didn’t answer the call, these are all tests to see how interested he was. Men respond to no contact. I know that sounds crazy, but at the beginning of dating, you need to know right up front because I don’t want you to waste any time because I want you to get engaged at any age and time is precious. You need to know right up front where he stands. He will reveal who he is in the very first couple of hours, a couple of days right away if you give him that opportunity. What happens with women is we get afraid that we’re going to lose them or they’re going to get away. As soon as we think that they like us, then our impulse kicks in and now we’re leaning forward and we’re chasing and that’s how we sabotage it.

Stop Chasing Men: If you’re serious about having a committed relationship, make that internal commitment to yourself to not have casual sex because you’re choosing something bigger for yourself.

Even if a guy starts out liking you, just like the woman at brunch, by the end of the day, she sabotaged the whole process because she had him on the hook, but then she left too much line. She didn’t create that tension so that she can reel him in. It’s an art. It’s a skill set that you can teach yourself, but you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone to do it. You have to be willing to do things that you haven’t done before in order for you to have what you want. Let’s look at another question. “If I’m messaging someone on Match, is it too forward for me to ask him to meet if he seems to just want to message?” “No.” In modern dating, it’s wonderful for you to tee it up. You’re not on a date. It’s totally acceptable, especially online to go ahead and say something because you don’t want to be in an instant message relationship. You don’t want an email or text relationship. What that would look like is if you notice something in his profile. He said, “I like walking on the beach as well.” You go share a couple of intimate details. If you want him to call you, the part about that instant message, it’s important that you reveal more intimacy so that he’s intrigued.

If he says, “I’ve been to the beach,” you’re instant messaging. He writes about himself, he’s been to this beach and he loves the sunset. I want you to write back, “I love the beach because I love to put my feet in the sand and I love the way that feels. It relaxes me.” At that moment it just gives me the feeling that everything in life is okay. At that moment, everything just seemed to gel for me. If you could just get real with him in an instant message and get more descriptive, paint a vision of what you’re like and the essence of who you are, he’s going to be very captivated by that. He might respond one more time, three back and forth, and then you can say, “I’d love to hear more about that. How do you suggest we move forward?” You just pass the ball over to him. You’re not asking them out, but you’re indirectly letting him know that you’d like to talk to him. Now, it’s up to him to respond to you. If he does not say, “Let’s jump on the phone,” you walk away. You just move on to the next one because you’ve put it all in his court and you’ve done it in a graceful way.

You only need the one and the right man. Click To Tweet

It’s not taking the masculine but you’re not on there to have an instant message relationship. You need to create the boundary that this is all you’re going to get. Create that intimacy. The tension is you need to call me now and set it up and then he’s going to get on the phone with you. Was that helpful? That’s confusing for women. The big mistake that women make is not engaging in those instant messages in a more intimate way. I’m not talking sexually. Be very careful here. Playful, sassy, and more intimate in terms of the details. How you’re feeling. Describe it. Describe food you like or why you like it and how it makes you feel and what turns you on. I’m not talking about sexual. I’m just talking about what lights you up, what you’re passionate about. Let that spill over to those instant messages that he’ll be intrigued by you that he’ll want to meet you.

Instant Gratification Versus The Law Of Germination

Let’s take one more question. “I find that intimacy develops too soon and that it’s a huge factor in my chasing a guy. He often backs off and become disinterested while I’m emotionally hooked. Often, a long time ago after a relationship ended, I’m still getting over an ex from a year ago. Even though I know it’s over, whenever I run into him, I still look to see if he misses me. I’m trying to detach, but it’s hard. Chasing stops when a woman is not interested. It’s hard to do when sex has already happened between them.” Absolutely it is because men don’t bond sexually when they have sex with a woman, but women do. That chemical bonding happens when we have sex with a man. That’s why I recommend, if you’re serious about having a committed relationship, then it’s time for you to make that internal commitment to yourself to not have casual sex because you’re choosing something bigger for yourself. It’s foregoing the instant gratification and invoking the law of germination. You’ve got to plant that seed and give it time to grow.

You need to abstain from that initially when you’re dating so that you can see the signals that he’s sending you because you’re giving her a lot of information before you sleep with him. The moment you sleep with him, you go unconscious, you don’t see the signals. You don’t see the flag flying because now you’ve emotionally bonded. It’s a whole different playing field. In her case, she never let him go because she doesn’t believe this is a belief that she’s going to meet anybody else. It comes down to your belief system. You have to look and see, “Because I don’t let go of this man, what do I do?” You look at all the consequences that are stacking up for not letting go. It’s anchored to a belief that somewhere along the line you picked up a belief that you’re not going to meet anybody else and you need to examine that. Stop that belief from continuing to perpetuate itself in your life. Because as long as you don’t release yourself from that belief system, you’re continuing to attract men by the law of attraction to highlight, to trigger that belief so that you can heal it.

That’s why we continue to attract men that aren’t emotionally available, that aren’t going to commit to us because it’s doing that in an attempt to get us to heal that belief system that’s not serving us. What we think is it all men are cheaters. All men leave, all men abandon us, but it’s the reflection of what we believe. This is exactly what I’m going to be teaching in my Bridge to Love Program. You need to get to the core, the root, or the origin of the problem. It is the short path to meeting your soul mate. It’s not the long path. The long path is going to continue to do what you’ve done and get the same result. That’s the long path. The long path that is also for you to look at your mistakes as mistakes. All of your mistakes in life have been lessons. If you learn from them, that can be the short path. Just give yourself a break right now. If you’re listening to this and you recognize that you’ve made some mistakes because when you beat yourself up about these mistakes, it drains your energy and you need that energy.

You need that energy because you need to unconditionally love and accept yourself more than you ever have before in this dating process because the more you love and accept yourself, the more a man will. As soon as you make a mistake, I want you to quickly forgive yourself, accept yourself, and move on. Do not let your mind beat you up because it’s a waste of time that drains energy and it and it will continue to perpetuate the cycle until you learn to stop doing that. This is all that I’m teaching you in the Bridge to Love program. There are incredible bonuses. We’ve got five weeks of jam-packed tools and information. I’m going to help you to take all of the knowledge that you’ve learned. The big problem I see with women is there are amazing women. You’re all are deep. You’ve read every book. You’ve watched every events, these interviews and you’ve done a lot of work. What can happen is you have a lot of intellectual knowledge, but without being able to apply that knowledge, it’s useless. Knowledge without action is useless. I’m all about the action. I’m an Aries, I’m a dragon, and I’ve always been about the action.

I love to take action. It’s easy for me because this part comes naturally for me and that’s why I’m the perfect mentor for you. I want you to just look at that. Think about what I’ve just said. Intellectual knowledge is useless unless you take action. This course is all about helping you to finally use all the information that you’ve gathered over the years. Some incredible wisdom that you have and help you to start to apply it in your life so that you can see the results you want. It’s instantaneous. This is called the fast track program. It is. That’s what I should have called it because I don’t want you to waste another moment going on dates that aren’t producing a relationship. I don’t want to spend any more time swiping or any more time sending out notes. There is a Law of Least Effort that you can invoke right now, and that’s learning these life skills. They’re universal laws of the universe. It’s like gravity. Gravity applies to all of us. If you step off the floor of the second building, we’re all going down.

The Law Of Cause And Effect

The Law of Cause and Effect, you reap what you sow. These Universal Laws, you need to understand what they are because they apply to you. Even if you don’t believe it, then you’re right, but they still apply to you. If you don’t believe in karma, karma still believes in you because it’s science. It’s energy. Likes attract likes. Whatever energy you’re vibrating out, “I’m never going to need a man. All men are jerks,” whatever that energy is, you’re going to be attracting those men in order to confirm that you’re right. There are no good men out there. All men are jerks. Once you heal that part of you, those belief systems, you raise your vibration. You raise your stock. You show up as a sassy queen who knows her worth and knows how to lean back because she trusts that the man is going to come to her. If he doesn’t, then he’s not your guy.

Believe me, you only need one and the right man and you may have been on this treadmill for years and I do not want you to give up because the right man will come along and you won’t have to guess. He will scoop you up so fast as soon as you can stay in the receiving position because that’s what he wants. What comes with the receiving position? What comes with that position is all this incredible juiciness, a lovely essence of who you are. That’s what a man wants to connect with. He doesn’t need to connect to your intellect. He wants to connect to your heart and that’s where he wants to live and he’s out there in the world slaying the dragons. You’ve got to stay in your castle and be the queen so he can be your hero. I know that sounds airy-fairy, but it is simple. It is a skill set that you need to learn and I’m just the girl to teach you.

Take a look at my Inner Circle Experience . This program will help you, to guide you and to see you get exactly what you want and get engaged at any age. I worked with women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, or 70s. We never stopped wanting love in our life. That yearning is never going to go away. Take the plunge, take the chance, and step out of your comfort zone. The energy of commitment is what you need right now. When you make a commitment to do something, the universe will rise up to meet you. The energy of committing to doing this work with me is making a statement. You’re making a declaration that I’m ready, and I’m going to do whatever it takes so that I can have what I want. I hope this was helpful. Don’t chase men. Ladies, you’re all so amazing. Your value cannot be quantified in jobs, degrees, titles, and in material possessions. Your value resides in you knowing who you are and when you understand that, you become powerful beyond belief and you will become irresistible. Thank you so much.

Go here to read about joining my Inner Circle Program. Get coaching and get the man!

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Categories : Attraction, Beliefs, Confidence, Create the Life You Want, Episodes, Relationships

Tags : committed relationship, connection, dating, engagement, intimacy, stop chasing men

Quickly Create An Emotional Connection!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin

· February 5, 2019

· 3 Comments

It is easy to date these days, but how can you make something last? Going for a first and second date is not unusual anymore. However, when you feel like you could make something work with someone, can you keep them engaged for a couple more dates? Jaki shares this answer: make an emotional connection. To emotionally connect with someone means reaching that third, fourth, and even more dates. It tells you that this man is interested in you to become a part of his life. Find out how you can create that intimacy and emotional connection.

Watch the episode here:

Quickly Create An Emotional Connection!

I wanted to make a little blog for you about how to make an emotional connection that leads to more dates. I hear from my community of women that some of you women have no problem getting on these first dates, second dates, but how do we get to the third and fourth date? The third and fourth date indicates that this man is interested in you and he sees you as having the potential to be something more in his life. How do we get to the third and fourth date? That’s the big question. What you want to do is create more emotional intimacy in that first and second date and there’s a way to do that. I call it tenderizing a man to create a more emotional connection. You want to find ways to create some warmth, create some silliness and tenderness on his part. It’s like tenderizing the steak. You’re creating this juicy filet mignon in the oven. You’re creating this beautiful space of love that you’re inviting him into that a man needs.

Stay Neutral

A man needs a place. It’s essential for a man to find a woman who has this beautiful space of love, where he feels safe and can come into and be vulnerable and share who he is. Men are looking for that and it’s up to you to create this space for them, then you will get asked out on third and fourth dates. One of the things that you can do is to stay neutral about things that he shares. You have to watch your judging. He might share something about his ex-wife to you. Maybe he shares that he’s still angry at her or maybe he doesn’t have a great relationship with his children. It’s important for you to remain detached and nonjudgmental about what he’s sharing because he can see that in your eyes. You want to stay curious. If you come from a place of genuine curiosity, he’s going to sense that you’re not judging him. The more that you come from that place, the easier it’s going to be for him to tell you how he feels.

If he says something that’s painful about his divorce or how his life is going, instead of reacting you respond. You say things that are more empathetic and with more compassion. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you unless you make it about you. You would say things like, “I’m sure that was hard for you. I can relate to some of the experiences that you share. It took me quite some time to process those feelings.” You can empathize with him and be compassionate about what he’s going through. In that moment, he’s going to feel understood by you. I’m not suggesting that you go out with men that are abusive or that are emotionally not together. Sometimes when you create this space, you inspire a man to want to be more and do more and have more in his life. In that moment with that reflection from you, he has an opportunity to change, to shift, to grow and to let go of this victim story about being hurt by his ex-wife or his last girlfriend. You create this nonjudgmental space where he has the potential to let his guard down and show you the things that have caused him pain and then you’re going to show up and be empathetic.

This is a beautiful tool to use with a man. I’ve had that experience myself with Michael sharing some intimate details about what we were both going through on the first conversation that we had, which created a lot of intimacy. I would use a very soft voice when I was talking to him about those things. I recommend that you make sure you check in with your voices. The tone of your voice, what you say and how you say it can be interpreted either as nonjudgmental and inviting or it can be interpreted as a defense and have that man’s guard go up and not create that space for him to step into. Don’t be judging, be more curious and ask good questions. Don’t be afraid to ask real questions. It’s how you ask them that is most important, “Why did your divorce take so long? Why did it take so long for you to get through your divorce?” If he said it was a few years, “That must have been hard for you.” Validate him by giving value to his feelings and what he’s feeling as if you understand him and are not judging the things that he’s saying.

Not everything is about you unless you make it about you. Click To Tweet

Whatever he shares with you, you want to make sure that you don’t use those things against him. If he does lower his guard and he is sharing with you that he was angry in his first marriage and he has some anger still. Instead of taking that personally and going, “I’m dealing with him, this guy who needs anger management.” Nothing has been decided yet. Come from a place of genuine curiosity and be like, “That must be hard. You must have experienced quite a bit of pain to feel angry like that.” I know for me it wasn’t until I was able to forgive that I could move on from my past. This might be a good time to look at inviting a little more forgiveness in your life. You share it as a matter of fact, but don’t be afraid to say that. Sometimes when somebody says something to you, it can cause a jolt. A little reality that you needed to hear, but it’s how the person delivered it to you. Don’t be afraid to ask those important questions.

How You See Your Life Going

Another question that creates intimacy is, “How do you see your life going? How do you think your life’s going right now?” Some men might say, “It’s going horrible,” and you’d be like, “I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me about it.” In that moment, you created some intimacy. See what he says. Be open to what he’s going to tell you and not judging it, stay curious. We all want to grow and relationships are designed for our personal growth. We grow with people and that’s what’s going to happen. It’s never going to be perfect. If a person’s willing to grow, then you have something there. Another thing to do to create more intimacy and an emotional connection on this first couple of dates is let him know that you like him. You don’t want to go overboard with this, but you can be I like, “I like the sound of your voice. That’s something that’s important to me and you have a nice voice.” Say something like that. When you’re on a first date you can touch his arm, putting a reassuring hand on his arm. Maybe he handed you something and you’re like, “Thank you,” so you’re letting him know through physical contact that you’re enjoying being with him and you him and you like him.

Don’t Take Everything Seriously

Another thing and this is important is not taking everything seriously. We tend to get serious when we like someone and it’s hard not to. You’re like, “This could be something,” but what happens when you go into that serious mode is you start to project an end result. You have to have that Law of Detachment. You have to embody it. Basically, the Law of Detachment is detaching from outcomes. When you go into a date, you don’t have an attachment to the end result, because honestly, you don’t know what the end result is. You’re not to confuse that with letting go of the things you want out of a relationship. You want a soul mate. You want to be in a committed relationship, but you don’t know if he’s the one. Detach from an end result and how it’s going to unfold. Don’t “should” on yourself about it. If you’re not taking things seriously, whatever he says like, “I’m never getting married again,” or, “I don’t see myself settling down.” Take it with a grain of salt. Don’t take that seriously. I’m not saying you shouldn’t listen to him, but you should look at what’s driving that. What’s causing him to say those things?

The boundary rule-of-thumb is you share a little bit of the truth at a time and see how it's received. Click To Tweet

Maybe he got hurt and you can show up with a little more empathy and compassion. It’s like, “This sounds a little bitter. You must have had something happen that caused you to feel that way. Do you want to talk about it? I’d love to hear about that.” You’re getting him to open up some more. These are all opportunities to hear a little bit about his struggles and create that emotional connection with him as you create the space that’s coming from this nonjudgmental space, where he’s more likely to share more with you. The more you know about him, the more you can find out about the things that have hurt him. You want to be careful not to intentionally aggravate those things because that’s an important component of respecting each other’s painful experiences. Know what they are and be careful not to trigger them in your relationships.

Open Up

Another thing that you can do is open up to him. You want him to open up to you and how you can get him to open up to you more and create that emotional connection is if you open up to him. You have to be vulnerable with him. You have to be willing to share a little bit about you that create this intimacy. Intimacy means, “Into me, I see.” Let me give you an example of things that you could share that would create a little vulnerability. The biggest question I already asked is, “Why are you still single? Why have you never been married? You’ve been married three times? What happened with that?” If you want to create more intimacy, you want to go beyond that initial answer and go a little deeper and do share something about why it is. You could say, “It’s been hard.”

In that moment, open up and be vulnerable and say, “It’s been hard being single all these years. Lord knows I want a relationship, but I needed to grow through some things that were holding me back. Some of them were hard to look at. I guess it took me longer than I thought it was going to. There was a time in my life where I didn’t believe that love was possible for me. I’ve probably sabotaged it a couple times here and there, which unfortunately took a decade out of my life to recover from a big breakup. The beautiful thing that happened in that process is that I learned a lot about myself that I definitely have a capacity to hold more. I’m using that in the way that I’m dating and even talking to you. As much as I’ve been lonely, I’ve also had an opportunity to grow into the woman I am now. It’s a bittersweet thing. “What about you?” Then you turn it back to him.

In that moment, you get real and raw and share something so that he sees the real you. You’re not this perfect person that you’re presenting to him, which is what we want to do. We want to present some perfect woman that’s got it all together. The truth is we don’t all have it together. You’re still single. You want a man. So there are some parts in your life that haven’t worked that you’re starting to put together, so that you have a more functional way to show up. Go ahead and share that with him. Another lighter-hearted thing to share with him is like, “You won’t believe what I did. I called the woman in my office, Ashley, five different times when her name’s Alicia. I’m beating myself up because I can’t believe I did that.” Little things like, “I tripped coming out of the elevator and fell down and skinned my palms and knees. I’m sitting here with Band-Aids on my knees,” share that. That’s something that’s a little lighthearted, but it gives him a moment and an opportunity to comfort you which creates a lot of intimacy when you allow a man to comfort you.

Intimate Details

If you do share something vulnerable with him, make sure you pause and listen for his response. If he does want to comfort you, thank him for that. Say, “Thank you for saying that. That felt good. I appreciate that.” Just pause and make sure you recognize that. He’s giving to you, you want to receive what he’s giving. That’s a key. On dates, you’ve got to stay in that receiving mode. Another thing is you want to reveal intimate details. Let me give you another example. A client of mine went on a trip and she went to a beautiful place for a wedding. The truth was that she got there and it was a beautiful event. She was surrounded by people, but she felt lonely. She was longing for her beloved, to call it her soul mate. I’m like, “Stories are a great thing to share.” You can say, “I went to Bali and it was an amazing place to go. I’d always wanted to go there. An interesting thing happened to me when I was there. I was surrounded by a lot of my friends and family, but I felt alone. It made me realize how much I want to share my life with someone.” That’s bold to share with someone. You accomplish two things. You share a little bit about your lifestyle. You traveled to Bali and you’re adventurous. You were vulnerable and admitted that you do want a relationship.

You've have to make mistakes to achieve to mastery. Click To Tweet

It’s easy to do this with strangers. That’s like sitting on an airplane telling the person next to you, pouring out your heart to him or her, then you get up and leave the plane and you never see this person again. It’s the same type of thing. Share but you want to have a little boundary there with your sharing. You don’t want to overshare your private matters, because you don’t want to violate your own boundary and overshare and push that person away because that can be a little bit of a turnoff. It’s a little bit of a boundary dance of openness. The boundary rule of thumb is you share a little bit of the truth at a time and see how it’s received. Then evaluate how it’s received and then decide as you go to share a little bit more. If it’s received well and the man you’re sharing it with is sharing a little bit back to you, then you can keep sharing. If he doesn’t share anything, then that’s when you would stop sharing and wait until the next time you have an interaction to share a little bit more.

You’re always adjusting that boundary according to if it’s being received or if it’s reciprocal. Trust and intimacy are going to expand in direct proportion to the degree that each person can trust each other. You share a little, check in and see how it’s received. He shares a little and then you keep moving forward. That’s how you prevent yourself from oversharing. When you first meet a man, you don’t want to tell them your whole life story. For one, you don’t know him well enough to do that. It’s a boundary violation against yourself. Two, you want to see how intimate he’s going to be with you and then they’re going to match that level of intimacy. That’s the rule of thumb that I want you to keep in mind when you’re on dates because it’s easy to get into oversharing. You don’t want to share your whole life story, just a little bit at a time.

Have fun. Dates are supposed to be fun. You want to create some laughter, a sense of humor, be a little silly even and be real. Don’t be guarded on your dates. Be the real you from the get-go and that will give a man permission to be the real him. Then you move forward much faster than pretending to be someone that you’re not, wearing a mask, being who you think they want you to be. Be yourself. All the other roles are taken and you will be much more received by a man. Create that space. Tenderizing him gives him permission to lower his defense and share with you something intimate. When he does, make sure you reward him by that. Reward him for that by being empathetic, compassionate, smiling and being gentle. Creating this gentle place where he can relax, because men wear that tough exterior all day long. They need a soft place to land and that’s what you want to create even on those first and second dates.

Even if you’re not that into him, I challenge you to practice this creating this space of love, this tenderizing with a man that you’re dating to see how quickly you can create this emotional connection. Even if you’re not interested in him for the long-term, it’s a great opportunity for you to practice. It’s a skillset for you to be nonjudgmental, invite more intimacy and to share more intimacy. Practice and be willing to throw a couple of gutter balls. You got to make a couple of mistakes to get to mastery in this area. I hope this was helpful and that you’ll apply these little tools and tidbits and let me know. If you have any questions, please post them in my thread or shoot me an email. If you aren’t sure about how much to share and you have a story that you want to share with me, definitely send me that email or post in the comment box. I will let you know if it’s appropriate or not if you’re not sure about how much to share and what to share. Sharing and storytelling are great tools for getting intimate.

Come up with a couple of stories that you’ll share that tell a little bit about your lifestyle, a little bit about things that you’ve gone through and talking about your childhood is another one. Sharing something about what happened to you as a child will give this man little insights into what created the woman you are now. Ask him about his childhood is another great way to create an emotional connection. When he shares something with you, go into it. Ask him a lot more questions about it because men love to talk about themselves. The more you can get him to open up and share with you things about his past, he will link you with those. Because he sees that you get him and you understand him. That’s what we all want. We all want to be understood by each other, especially men. As soon as a man feels that you understand him and get him, he’s going to ask you out for more dates. He’s going to want to be around somebody that gets him, who understands him and is not judging him. Lots of love.

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Categories : Episodes

Tags : Boundaries, building trust, dating, emotional connection, intimacy, keeping them engaged

Archive for intimacy

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

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Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

He’s HOT/COLD

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He’s HOT/COLD

Control

Comfort And Discomfort; Power And Intimacy

Playing Tug-Of-War

Extended Travel Experiences

Reaching Out To A Man

Power In Triggers

Practice Receiving

5 Things That Turn Men On

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5 Things That Turn Men On

Important Links:

Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

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Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

Engage Them A Little Bit

Some Things You Could Be Doing Without Even Realizing You’re Chasing Men

Why Women Don’t Get Asked Out On Second Dates

Lean Back Like A Queen On A Throne

How To Know If He’s Interested In You

Instant Gratification Versus The Law Of Germination

The Law Of Cause And Effect

Quickly Create An Emotional Connection!

Watch the episode here:

Quickly Create An Emotional Connection!

Stay Neutral

How You See Your Life Going

Don’t Take Everything Seriously

Open Up

Intimate Details

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