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Archive for self-love

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 24, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

 

Nothing makes a relationship better than to be able to connect with the person you are with on a deeper and intimate level. To those who are not as fortunate to come by with this connection, we may find ourselves going around attracting emotionally unavailable men. Go past this and start attracting those that are truly available emotionally as Jaki leads you to find that intimacy within yourself first. As the saying goes, we attract what we are. Deep dive within and self-examine as you reclaim self-love and eventually attract the right person.

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

I want to talk to you about how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men because it’s a big topic. A lot of women complain that there are no emotionally available men. I want to have a candid discussion about it. I love talking about emotional availability because it is like heaven on Earth when you meet with a man and you can connect with him on a deeper intimate level. Let’s start out with defining what is intimacy? What is real intimacy? Intimacy is into me I see. It is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. What I mean by that is no matter what you’ve done or what you say or what you did in the past or you’re doing now, you’re not afraid to self-examine. You’re not afraid to ask those deep questions of yourself so that you get the answers. You can become more intimate with yourself and stop listening to your mind’s rationalizations about situations that happened.

Intimacy is your ability to see and look deep within yourself regardless of whether you display less than perfect behavior. Click To Tweet

It’s you being completely emotionally honest and open with yourself about what’s going on without rationalizing. You can only be emotionally intimate with a man to the degree that you are emotionally intimate with your own self because you can’t give away what you don’t have inside. If you haven’t done that deep inner work to go in and explore the blocks you have or the painful experiences you’ve had and heal them, you’re not meeting a man from that authentic place. You’re meeting him from the place of those painful experiences because those painful experiences act as blocks and barriers. They are protecting you from experiencing any more pain, but they’re also keeping you from being intimate because they act as a barrier. That’s why it’s important to self-examine and self-inquire. Ask yourself a lot of questions, “What am I feeling? What is this anchored to? Why am I feeling this way,” so you can understand yourself. When you are intimate with yourself and you can understand yourself, then that’s when you have the ability to be in a relationship with an emotionally available man.

If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable men, then it’s a sign. Don’t take this the wrong way please because you know I love you. It’s a sign that you are not being emotionally available on some level. Here’s the good part about this. You’re getting instant feedback from the men that you’re dating because dating provides a mirror. It’s like looking in the mirror. However, he’s acting is a response to how you’re acting. Likes attract likes. We attract men into our lives to help us grow, to help us see how we’re showing up. That’s why this is so exciting. It’s such a beautiful work. Look at dating as an opportunity to grow yourself and through that process, you will attract an emotionally available man. I want to mention what happens when a man withdraws his emotional intimacy. You’re dating a man and he doesn’t call you back and you’ve been seeing him for a couple of weeks or a month or longer. He doesn’t get back to you or he doesn’t answer your questions when you ask him or he avoids topics.

Take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

Those are all signs of emotional unavailability and that he’s distancing himself. He’s demonstrating to you that he’s emotionally not available. I don’t know why that is, but I can speculate. How I can speculate is I would look at his past. It’s important when you get involved with a man, especially if you want a long-term relationship with him, that you discover what experiences he’s had in his history that has caused him pain. Those are going to be clues into why he withdraws because he might be triggered. Men go through painful experiences like we do and they hide it. They hide it from not only you but they hide it from themselves. They may not even be aware that they’re doing that. That’s why it’s so important for you to do the inner work on yourself and become more emotionally intimate with yourself. You have the capacity to signal your man when he drifts, when he withdraws emotionally. You can signal him in a way that he can respond to you without feeling defensive or withdrawing even further.

How do you do that? Very carefully, for one. You use responsible communication. That’s how you do it. Responsible communication is a communication technique that is based on sharing from a place, coming from love, but also with the utmost respect and conscious listening and also being able to share how you feel and being heard by both parties. I recommend you set an appointment. If something occurs and you want to create more intimacy, you need to reach out and set an appointment. It sounds something like this, “On Friday, you said something to me that I didn’t quite understand,” and you would always mention what it was because you don’t want your man to worry about what it is you want to talk to him about it. Because anytime you tell them and you want to talk, his red flag goes up and he starts to retreat. You want to put him at ease right away by explaining to him what it is you want to share with him.

EAA 20 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Emotionally Unavailable Men: The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate to how much you’re willing to share with how you feel.

 

You say, “When we were out Friday night, you said something about the trip. I was wondering if we can talk about that more on Sunday.” You’re not putting him on the spot right now. You’re giving him a heads-up notice that you want to have a deeper discussion about a comment he made and what the comment is and the topic is and when you want to talk about it. Then he’ll say, “That will be fine.” At least he’s set up so that he can think about what he said and he’s prepared to talk to you so he doesn’t feel sabotaged. He doesn’t feel attacked. He doesn’t feel taken off guard. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt. You’re also showing respect by not dumping that on him like, “I want to talk to you,” and maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe you’re in the car going to someplace. If you start that conversation, it’s going to result in an argument. That’s why you want to use responsible communication, to create more intimacy, to create more emotional availability.

You can do this together, you can build this relationship together. Even if you start off with a little emotional unavailability, you can build it together, but you need to know the signs. If he withdraws, it’s a sign that something’s going on and you can signal him by asking him for an appointment to talk about it so that he can share what’s going on with him. When he does that, you want to be careful not to interrupt him, not to take it personal, and not to make any assumptions. You need to let him talk until he’s done talking. I always recommend repeating back what he shared with you until he feels that he was heard. When you do that, you’re going to develop so much intimacy that he’s going to be reluctant to withdraw again. You’ve made it safe for him to stay in the relationship and share how he feels because you are going to become defensive or accusatory. You’re not going to interrupt him. You’re going to make it safe for him to share. That’s how you create intimacy fast.

Take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

What you don’t want to do is withdraw or retaliate using childish ego-based defensive reaction, like not talking to him for a couple of days. That’s called a violation of emotional distance. That’s very harmful. When somebody withdraws their affection or their attention from you, for the level of intimacy you share. If you’re in a relationship, it’s very painful. It’s like giving somebody the cold shoulder. It’s dysfunctional, it’s immature and it has to stop. You cannot do that in a relationship if you want it to last. You need to respect each other’s boundaries by asking for those appointments when you feel that he’s withdrawing. Another way to tell if a man’s emotionally unavailable is if he’s reluctant to share on a deeper level about anything at all. If he wants to keep things on the surface. If he avoids talking about things that are important to you, then that would be a sign that he’s choosing not to be emotionally available or he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available.

If he doesn’t know how to be emotionally available, you can go first by making yourself more available. I’ll tell you how to do that right now. The amount of emotional honesty and truth that you want from a man is directly proportionate by how much you’re willing to share with how you feel, about your feelings. If you want to experience more emotional intimacy with the man, you need to be more emotionally honest and intimate with him. That means sharing things that are scary for you to share like your fears around whatever is coming up for you. Your fears about moving in together. Your fears around the future or maybe some insecurities you’re feeling. It’s highly functional to share intimate details about how you’re feeling so that he can see that vulnerable side of you and so that you can bond and get closer.

It's healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you're in a relationship. Click To Tweet

Another piece of that is if you don’t share those things, he’s going to see you like a cold fish. He’s going to see you as not having any warmth and not having any depth. Men are looking for warmth. They are looking for depth. Don’t look at that as a weakness. That’s a strength. Being vulnerable has so much strength in it. Make sure that you don’t hesitate to share those vulnerable feelings because it will endear him to you. The more you want emotional intimacy, the more truth you must be willing to share. Which is why it’s very emotionally mature to agree to disagree because you’re not going to agree on everything. You don’t want to hold back because you don’t agree with him. You certainly don’t want to argue about it, but you can say things like, “That’s an interesting perspective. I don’t have that same perspective at all. I think very differently about that, but I respect where you’re coming from.” You’re agreeing to disagree with him. You don’t have to agree with everything he says, but you don’t want to suppress your true feelings and be a doormat and turn yourself into a pretzel and be so agreeable that you don’t even have an opinion. It’s how you do it, how you say things and how you express yourself is the most important part that I want you to hear.

Using a soft tone when you’re saying that or even a playful fun tone like, “I don’t know about that. I am not buying into that. I think that’s more your way of thinking but not mine. I respect your opinion but this is the way I feel.” You say that not needing them to approve of you and not needing them to accept your opinion, but definitely needing them to hear you out. If you use the right tone in the right way, they will hear you out and they will respect you for it. It’s healthy to agree to disagree, especially if you’re in a relationship because you’re not these two halves coming together to make a whole. That’s a dysfunctional relationship paradigm. What you are is two holes coming together, standing side by side like the infinity symbol. That’s what we’re going for. Two holes side by side, not overlapping, not being codependent, not meshing with each other, but having a lot of emotional intimacy right next to each other. I want to close with this. It takes a lot of courage to be emotionally intimate and you have plenty of courage. You have to use enough of it and it takes practice. Practice leads to mastery in any area of your life. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out because the worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to learn something and you’re going to grow and expand because of it.

Thank you for tuning in. If you like the content, please like, share and subscribe to my channel. Share it with your friends so that they can get in on the information as well and you can create a tribe of emotionally available women and practice that intimacy with them.

Be sure to take the Soulmate Assessment and find out what frequency you are sending out and how close you are to attracting your Soulmate!

I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

Jaki

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : connection, Emotionally Unavailable Men, intimacy, relationship, self-love

Getting Unstuck After a Breakup

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· November 16, 2017 
· 5 Comments

If you are like most women you’ve struggled with (or still are) some of these issues

  • Feeling shell shocked after your last relationship
  • Feeling powerless and invisible
  • Feeling like a looser
  • Holding on which is keeping you from moving forward

When you don’t move on when a relationship ends you grant the relationship the power to consume your life and create misery not to mention the time you waste! Sometimes it can be decades.

In this call I will give you a set of strategies for reclaiming your power, recover yourself, your vitality and self-worth!

I would love to hear from you about what you are struggling with so I can create more videos to support you!

Sending you lots of love!

xoxo

5 Comments
Categories : All About You, Dating, Relationships
Tags : attract a man, attract Mr. Right, attract your ideal man, attract your soulmate, breakups, confidence, dating, fall madly in love, happiness is attractive, relationship, self-love, unstuck
EAA 17 | Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· September 8, 2017 
· No Comments

EAA 17 | Why Men Pull Away

 

Just when you think you have the right person, he steps back and let’s go. How can this happen and when did it start? Jaki tells you the main reason why men pull away, which is your constant search for approval. In some situations, we may not realize how we tend to put our self-worth and value in their hands. We hold them accountable for our own self-love and happiness, and if there is one thing that men do not want to take on, it is that. Jaki explores why men pull away as you also do from experiencing true intimacy within yourself.
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Watch the episode here:

Why Men Pull Away

Craving For Approval

I wanted to talk to you about one of the reasons why men pull away and this is a big one. There are many reasons why men can pull away. One of the biggest reasons, in my opinion, is that we are craving approval from men. That’s the biggie. We want men to approve of us. We’re afraid of rejection and we’re afraid to get hurt. What happens though is we find ourselves being rejected and being hurt because we put much emphasis on our self-worth and approval on external situations and on people, especially on men in the dating process. If you never experienced true intimacy within yourself, you’re always going to be looking for approval externally. That’s what happens. When you’re trying to win approval from another person, it’s the surest way to avoid intimacy from yourself because you’re disconnecting from yourself in that moment and you’re looking to him to tell you who you are. You’re holding him the object of your value and your self-worth. In that process, you objectify him. You turn him into an object. Instead of seeing him for the man that’s sitting across from you, you now see him as an object and a source of your approval and your validation and your sense of self-worth.

You disconnect in that moment. It short-circuits your ability to have a genuine connection because you’re not bringing the authentic you that feel safe and secure inside. You’re bringing a need to him, this neediness that you have because you want him to give you that validation or approval so that you can feel safe inside. From that place, you feel like, “Now, we have a relationship.” That’s why we’re looking to have men like us. When we don’t get the approval and acknowledgment and the text back or the emails back or the looks back, we fall apart and we become disenchanted. It’s because we gave up our power and pretty much hand it over to this man across from us. We’re asking him to define who we are and to give us value so that we can feel good about ourselves so that we can be in a relationship with them. What happens is it completely backfires because when we objectify men like that, we hold them hostage for our happiness. They don’t like that. They can feel that. They can sense it and it doesn’t feel good. It makes them feel uncomfortable. It’s one of the biggest reasons why men pull away. It’s so unconscious. We don’t even realize that we’re doing it.

Holding men responsible for our own love, our own self-worth and acceptance is a massive responsibility and one that men do not want to take on. They can sense this right away because we’re looking at them and immediately, our self-esteem starts to go down. We start to become nervous or insecure and we start to do a certain amount of behaviors that are not the behavior that we started the relationship out with. We’re now in this place where we need their approval constantly to feel good about our self to move through our day. When we don’t get it, we start to question ourselves. When we question ourselves, our confidence dips and then they aren’t attracted to that. They’re not attracted to this insecure, needy person that’s sitting in front of them. In that moment, we’re not even connected to that person in a genuine way because we don’t know how to do that for ourselves. It’s a lack of intimacy with yourself.  If you can’t see that, it’s your blind spot.

You have to learn to give love and acceptance to yourself. You have to learn to give yourself the intimacy that you need. Look at what intimacy is. It’s “into me I see.” It’s easy to remember that. Look at it as a house. You’re building this solid foundation for yourself when you’re beginning the process of becoming self-intimate. Those cornerstones of that foundation are unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, boundary protection, and your ability to nurture yourself. In those moments, when you recognize that you’re looking for approval and you’re looking at your phone and you’re wondering why he hasn’t called you back or if he’s going to call you back and you’re obsessing on that. Right away, I want you to notice that in that moment, you were handing over your approval to another. You’re saying, “If you don’t text me, I’m going to feel bad.” You’re giving up all your power. When you do that, you disconnect yourself from yourself. You have the ability to be intimate with yourself, but you avoid it.

Starting From Childhood

First of all, let’s see where it starts. It starts when we’re children because we look to our parents to tell us who we are. From a young age, our parents are telling us what we are, who we are, and what we’re going to do with our lives. We were trained to move away from our ability to source all of this from within to external sources. It explains why we’re doing it. It also shows you now that you’re an adult, you’re all grown up, how dysfunctional it is to continue to look outside of yourself for external validation. What is validation? What does that mean? Validation is giving value. When you look for another person to validate you, you give away your power and you don’t give yourself value in the process. You devalue yourself when you hold others accountable for your worth and your value. You can see how this process is like a cycle. It’s a pattern. We start the dating process or we’re in relationships and we look to them to show us that they like us and they’re interested and we love it. It’s like a drug, we’re hooked. They give us a little bit more and then that process kicks in that pattern where we’re becoming dependent on them for this feeling, for this high that doesn’t last long at all.

When you're trying to win approval from another person, you avoid intimacy from yourself. Click To Tweet

When we don’t get it right away, we start to doubt if the relationship’s going anywhere or if they’re interested in us. All of that activity, that behavior takes us out of focusing on ourselves and puts it back on that person. We start to project our neediness and these emotional needs. This foundation that we can develop within ourselves, these cornerstones. We start to project those onto a man and we objectify him in that process and holding him hostage for our feelings of self-worth. It’s crazy but that explains this pattern that we get stuck in and then we feel controlled. That’s where the resentment comes from. We can feel controlled by somebody because they are not giving us what we want. We become obsessed. We’re looking at our phone or wondering where they are or why they haven’t called.

Unconditionally Love Yourself

In that process, we become unavailable in that moment to ourselves. We’re not present because we’re distracted about this person because we’re holding them hostage for our sense of wellbeing and wholeness. We become very frustrated with that and disenchanted. The truth is we feel controlled. The truth is it’s your own need for approval from others that’s controlling you. Think about that. If you will take back that control and recognize that you have the ability to create a rich, juicy relationship with yourself by starting to unconditionally love yourself. Unconditionally accept yourself by nurturing yourself and by protecting your boundaries. That is the foundation of your emotional heart that you need to build on so that you can feel safe, sane, and secure.

Safe so you don’t feel if the guy doesn’t call you back your world’s going to collapse. Sane so you don’t go crazy and unconscious, thinking and obsessing on men and on the dating process. Secure because when you take back the control of your happiness, then you will feel safe. You know that you are the source of everything that you need in your life. You are the source of happiness. You are the source of love. You are the source of your approval and validation. When you take responsibility for that, when you have the ability to respond to yourself in that way, you do feel safe. You aren’t dependent on a man to give you those things. From that place, you do have the emotional stealth and ability to have a healthy relationship with a man. He’s going to see you as secure, confident, brave, intimate and authentic because you’re not looking around for him to give you all these things.

EAA 17 | Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away: You devalue yourself when you hold others accountable for your worth.

 

You’re free to explore a relationship with someone. You’re free to see who this person that’s showing up in front of me and allow them to show you who they are, without this expectation that they satisfy these basic fundamental needs that only you can satisfy. It’s powerful and exciting to me when I see women start to make sense of what I’m saying. Visualize you’ve got a cord coming out of your heart and you’re trying to plug it into a man. You’re trying to plug into him because you think that’s what intimacy is, but that’s not what intimacy is. That’s what codependency is. The old relationship paradigm is two circles that come together and make one and that doesn’t work at all. That is extremely dysfunctional. The new relationship paradigm is two circles come together side by side and create that infinity symbol. Two circles are whole and complete and they sit side by side. That is a healthy, functional relationship. You can be free to give yourself value, decide what your worth is, and not leaving it dependent on a man to decide how valuable you are because you value yourself and you recognize that.

Visualize that you have this cord coming out of your heart and you’re trying to connect it to a man. What I want you to do is take the other end of that cord and I want you to plug it into your belly button. The cord that’s coming out, it’s like a hose. It’s on full blast and it’s looking to connect to somebody, but you have to take the end of that hose and plug it into yourself, plug it into your belly button. When you do that, you’re going to power up like crazy because you’re leaking energy. When you have that cord coming out of your heart and it’s flying around looking for somebody else to give you what you can give yourself, you’re leaking all this energy. As soon as you plug it back into yourself, you’ve plugged that hole up essentially where you’re leaking energy and you start to feel safe, sane, and secure in the world. When you feel safe, sane and secure, there is nothing that you can’t do. You can set your goals high because you are the source of everything that you need. Everything else you get in life, the men, the money, the house, the cars, the trips, whatever it is that you want. That’s all a bonus. That’s all the icing on the cake.

You have to learn to give yourself the intimacy that you need. Click To Tweet

Remember, you’re the cupcake. Don’t give your power away to men. First of all, they don’t want it. They want you to be powerful. They want you to be self-empowered. That’s what men are looking for. The biggest thing that turns him off is a woman that’s looking to empower herself through a man. Basically, here’s the thing. They’re in the same position. They need to power themselves up. You can’t hold space for somebody like that. It’s unhealthy. That is the biggest things that sabotage women in dating and in relationships. I hope that you can hear what I’m saying because this will help you. Visualize of you powering up by plugging into yourself. Every time you feel yourself drift into that feeling where you’re thinking about how somebody is responsible for somebody. Something that they’ve done or feeling resentment or feeling like you’re a victim, then notice at that moment that you disconnected yourself from yourself. You have the power to plug back into that moment and turn everything around for yourself.

Trust Issues

How do you resolve your trust issues? Trust is about boundaries. We don’t trust ourselves because we don’t hold healthy boundaries. It’s hard to trust men when we don’t trust ourselves. I feel trust issues start with not trusting yourself that you’ll be okay, that you will hold a healthy boundary. That you’ll say no and you’ll know what your limits are and you’ll vote with your feet. When you don’t know how to hold healthy boundaries for yourself in terms of emotional, physical, and financial you end up over giving. You end up over giving and in over giving, people take because it’s a match. You’re giving and they’re receiving, then there’s a match and people will take advantage of you. You’ll feel like, “I can’t trust anybody.” You have to learn to hold healthy boundaries and recognize that you don’t have to worry about trusting someone else. The person that you need to learn to trust is you. When you’re connected to you and you’re more intimate with yourself, you will notice when things are not going the way they need to be going. You’ll be more alert to the red flags in that moment. You’ll be able to hold a healthy boundary by using good communication.

What happens is when you’re not intimate with yourself, when you’re not being responsible for your emotional independence. You’re nurturing your love, acceptance, and boundaries. If you’re looking for somebody else to do that, then you don’t trust yourself to do it. It’s easy to get hurt because you don’t have any boundaries. You don’t have any skills and tools and a process in play to repair that pain. You continue to stay in that pain because you get stuck in the storyline and you keep thinking about what happened and how he did this and this happened. In the process of thinking about that over and over again, I call that getting stuck in a storyline. You end up unconsciously and involuntarily recreating more untrustworthy scenarios in an attempt to feel better. Why do we this? It’s an attempt for you to heal that place in you that isn’t trusting. It’s about learning to trust yourself and to know that you have the ability. You have the capacity to heal these parts of you that were wounded and pay more attention to when those feelings are arising so that you can see where this pain is sourcing from. “Why am I not trusting? What is it about the situation that I can’t trust?”

EAA 17 | Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away: Be more emotionally intimate with yourself. Stop looking outside of yourself for external approval.

 

Sometimes what happens if we’ve been hurt in the past from painful experience, our mind will send up a warning bell. It’s like a false alarm. It’s like a smoke alarm will go off and we’ll quickly withdraw because that’s been our coping mechanism. The behavior is the warning bell goes off, the fire drill goes off. There’s a fire. You pull back in order to protect yourself, but that’s highly dysfunctional. That’s called withdrawing to feel safe. You pull back to protect yourself, but in the process, you disconnect yourself from you because you never explored why and got curious, “Is there a fire or is that a false alarm?” 99% of the time, it’s a false alarm. The alarm is still there because at one time there was a fire, but the fire is put out. You’re okay but you’re still reliving that painful experience. Your mind wants to keep you safe at all costs. It’s going to continue to sound off that alarm until you get curious about it. Until you start to ask questions like, “What am I feeling and what is this anchored to?”

Those are the questions you need to ask because the truth is there. It’s been there all along. You haven’t had the courage to look at it because somewhere along the way you told yourself that it was your fault or you’re not worthy. We’re back to this not worthy or you’re not good enough and you’re still looking outside of yourself from the source of approval and you get hurt in that process. It’s a cycle that you can’t get out of. Learning to meet these needs from within is critical. It’s how you can heal that hurt and how you’re going to stay more emotionally grounded when you’re dating. It’s how you’re going to have a healthy relationship when you meet a man. You’ll have the skills and tools to not run because I know there are a lot of runners. I used to be a runner. You’ll run off as soon as that fire alarm goes off in your head and you’re out of there. You have to learn to stay the course. You have to show up with more emotional courage and get more curious. It comes down to asking the question, “What am I afraid of?” Ask yourself that question. Track it back to the original source. Track it back to the origin where you first became afraid, then in that moment, show up for yourself. Don’t run. Stay there and give yourself love. Plug that cord back into yourself and give yourself the love and validation that you need so that you can feel safe again, that you can open your heart and trust.

You can be free to give yourself value, decide what your worth is, and not leave it dependent on a man. Click To Tweet

I want to keep myself open to everything. I have boundaries. I don’t have to worry about trusting people. As soon as I see a behavior that is not appropriate to certain degrees, I will adjust what I’m doing. I will adjust my behavior so I’m safe, but I never have to close down my heart in that process unless it’s something that’s unhealthy. In that case, you’ll have to vote with your feet and leave the relationship. A lot of times, it’s a fear that shows up because you’ve had a painful experience in the past and your pattern has been to run. You’re still stuck in that pattern and you have to learn to stay. You have to learn to dig in. Be more emotionally intimate with yourself. Stop looking outside of yourself for external approval. Start giving it to yourself and you’re going to find that your relationships become deeper, juicier, and more interesting because you’re not making that person across from you an object. You’re seeing them for who they are because you’re not expecting something from them that they don’t have the capacity to give at that moment. They’re giving that to themselves.

I hope this was helpful. I want to tell you this cute little story. There is a woman who lives in Northern California who has a farm of thousands and thousands of daffodils. Once a year, the daffodils come up and bloom. She has a big winding driveway that leads up to her home and she lets people come up and look at her thousands of daffodils because it’s a spectacle. People all over Northern California drive up there and have heard of her farm and want to come up and see how beautiful it is. On the way up, she has these signs as you’re driving up this windy driveway that you can drive through, stop, get out, walk around then drive past. She says, “Your questions will be answered.” She has all these cute little signs on the way up. Basically, the signs say, “How long did it take me to plant a thousand daffodils?” She says, “One bulb at a time, one step at a time.” What she’s saying is she planted every single one of those daffodils, but she didn’t do it in one day.

She did it one step at a time, one bulb at a time. Over the course of time, she grew these beautiful, amazing hillsides of these daffodils. Why I’m telling you this is because you are planting these seeds in yourself one seed at a time, one bulb at a time. It’s going to grow and blossom to this beautiful spectacle of self-love, self-acceptance, healthy boundaries, and the ability to nurture yourself. I want you to plant your farm, plant your bulbs so they start growing because a man’s going to look over at you and with that smile. Think about all those daffodils, how beautiful you are going to be. You’re going to be a picture of that. I hope this is inspiring for you. I’m thinking about all of you with lots and lots of love.

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Categories : Episodes
Tags : Acceptance, Approval, relationships, self-love, Why Men Pull Away

Your mind is playing tricks on you!

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· April 3, 2017 
· No Comments

Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. That’s no secret.

It has recorded every mistake or misstep you’ve ever made, and sometimes, like to bring up them up time and time again, sabotaging you in your efforts to find love and making you believe you’re undeserving of it.

This mind trickery is affecting your sense of self-worth, and it plays out in many ways.

For example, you may find that it’s easier to give than to receive. You might be shying away from pursuing really good looking men. You may even be passing up opportunities, or cutting promising ones short because you feel they’re too good to be true and won’t last anyway.

But you can stop this pattern of destructive thinking in its tracks.

First, if you step back and observe your life you will discover that you don’t get what you deserve – you receive no more or no less than you believe you deserve.

Remind yourself that you are NOT your past mistakes! Try repeating this mantra to yourself: “I choose where I am now and I choose something better for myself.”

Say it until that little nagging and negative voice in your head is quiet.

The change in your attitude and self-confidence will be palpable. You’ll be freed from those self-imposed difficulties that are holding you back from true happiness!

Shifting your perception of your own value, and what you deserve out of life, will open you up to receive life’s bounty regardless of any mistakes you made in the past.

And let’s face it – a self-confident woman who believes she deserves the best is way more attractive than one who wallows in self-pity and past mistakes!

I believe in you!

The question is, do you believe in you?

 

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Categories : Confidence
Tags : attract a man, attract Mr. Right, attract your ideal man, confidence, dating, fall madly in love, feminine energy, happiness is attractive, Jaki Ives, Jaki Sabourin, self-love

Why the WORST result can bring the BEST men

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· December 6, 2016 
· No Comments

We’ve all been there.

We’ve all felt the sting of heartbreak. The emptiness. The uncertainty.

If this is how you are feeling now, stuck, unable to heal, I wrote this for you!

First, let me reassure you that you are in my heart and that the feelings you are currently feeling are temporary.

Yes, you are in victim mode – it feels that so much has happened TO you.

You are stuck in the blame/shame/victim game. And it’s ok. It’s a REALLY easy trap to fall into. You have suffered, and because of that, have come to believe that there are no good men out there  – or that if there ARE, they won’t like you, or want you.  You are afraid to take risks.  You feel “less than” or “not good enough,”  “inadequate” and afraid of rejection.

It’s hard for you to try again after previous rejections and heartbreak. You don’t know how to hold boundaries with men, so they treat you poorly – which reinforces that belief that there are no good men out there.  You always pick the wrong men and fear they won’t like you or will leave you. You pick men who are emotionally unavailable, needy or broken. You tend to attract men that don’t step up.

It’s exhausting, and eventually you start to believe that you are better off alone. But you know, deep down, that you are longing to share your life with someone. And you will!

Wow.  You hit the nail on the head.  Can I really fix this – and how?

This is a journey of personal growth and begins with focusing on yourself. Loving yourself as you are is vital. You’ve got to stop looking for someone else to fill the space in you. You are already complete. Repeat that – YOU ARE ALREADY COMPLETE.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.

A man isn’t the answer, he is a compliment. A bonus. The icing on the cake.  When you are in victim mode you send the message that the man is the answer and that’s a heavy burden that most men run from!

Remember, you come to this party already complete and whole and ready to have a real Soulmate connection. Your MAIN goal is self-work, self-love and self-acceptance.  You will need to heal the hurt from the past and release the hold it has on you. This will help you to learn to hold healthy emotional and physical boundaries and start to consider your own feelings and wants first  – which raises your self-esteem and creates more self- respect.   Remember, we allow people to treat us how they treat us, and men will start treating you the way you are treating yourself.  Any time you hear the negative put-downs swirling around your head, think about what you’d say to your best friend or sister or daughter if she were telling you these things about herself. Then rewrite the script with love. Cultivating a positive relationship with yourself is the building block for attracting your Soulmate.   You had given up on the idea that you’ll meet your Soulmate, but now you know that love is your birthright.

Allow that to sink in and look at your life for ways that you already feel love. Appreciate what is already there.  You are embracing new empowering beliefs and attracting your Soulmate is one of them.

And now, here is HOW we are going to remind you of the goddess that you are – and that you don’t NEED a man to be enough, you need a man to compliment the life and being that you are.

We will start with the forgiveness and gratitude circle.  A daily 5-10 minute exercise that will set the foundation for your day, and the rebuilding of your spirit.

What that means, is that you will take a few minutes to repeat the following sequence:

I forgive ______________ for_____________________

I forgive myself for____________________________

I am so grateful for____________________________

I love____________________________________________

Repeat that sequence every day until you run out of things to fill in those blanks!

In doing so, you are releasing pain, inviting pleasure, and sending a powerful message to the Universe that you are READY for love!

So take a few deep breaths, hug yourself for me, and let’s get you out of victim mode, and into victory mode…your Soulmate is waiting on you!

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Categories : Dating
Tags : attract a man, attract Mr. Right, attract your ideal man, confidence, dating, fall madly in love, feminine energy, happiness is attractive, Jaki Ives, Jaki Sabourin, law of attraction, life of your dreams, married, Men, relationship, self-love

Do you want to meet Mr. Right?

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· January 20, 2015 
· No Comments

RosesNot long ago I married my Mr. Right! We are madly in love and living in La Jolla, California. My husband treats me like a queen. When he goes to the grocery store he always comes back and presents me with bushels of flowers. He’s always thinking of ways to make me happy!

It wasn’t always this way. It took time to TEACH him how I wanted to be treated. Because we teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves.

The respect you receive from others is in direct proportion to how much you respect yourself. In other words if you want to attract a man who will respect you, treat you like a queen, bring you flowers and ultimately commit to you in love and life you need to LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS “LOVING WITHOUT CONDITIONS”

It’s fully accepting yourself AS IS. Unconditional love requires you to be emotionally intimate with yourself. Intimacy begins with you knowing you. The better you know yourself, the more comfortable you will feel with others.

Men find women who love themselves irresistible! No man likes a woman who acts like her whole life revolves around him! You can’t sacrifice your needs to become what you think a man wants. That’s pathetic!

IF YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF THE WHOLE WORLD
WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

Heart in the Sand

TIPS TO SELF LOVE

Fall in love with yourself

Completely accept yourself as you are today

Be gentle with yourself

Nurture yourself

Eliminate self-criticism

Let go of worry

Trust yourself

Forgive yourself

Be honest with yourself

Look good to make yourself happy

Build your own life; don’t try to fit into his

Be selfish, put yourself above all others, you come first

Respect yourself

Keep healthy boundaries

Be your own best friend!

Self-love is heart work. Self-love is you fulfilling your own emotional dependency needs. Emotional dependency needs are: intimacy, nurturing, unconditional love and boundary protection that you need to feel safe and secure. If you don’t demonstrate unconditional love for yourself you show people that you are not worthy of receiving it.

If you don’t learn to fulfill your emotional dependency needs you will always look to others to tell you who you are.

(The good news is I can teach you how to apply these empowering tips to SELF LOVE. Because in order to attract Mr. Right you need to become Mrs. Right!)

WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE, NOT WHAT WE WANT.

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Categories : Create the Life You Want
Tags : attract Mr. Right, become Mrs. Right, law of attraction, self-love

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